This week has many milestones that will cause emotional ups and downs. Wednesday will be 4 weeks since Olivia has passed, I have tried to not count the weeks but find myself thinking about it anyway. Saturday, the 12th, will be one month. It is so difficult, there are already so many signs of people around me that expect me to move on. I do not blame them, it's only natural for the rest of the world to move on. Nobody else carried her for 8 months, Greg was the one I made feel my belly that moved nonstop, she is OUR daughter and we are still mourning. I could be partly to blame on this since I am a do'er and since I do not have a newborn to keep me busy, I have figured out how to fill much of my time. Although nobody has openly said so and most people do seem fine when I bring up Olivia, I just want to wear a sign around that says "I just had a baby!" Most mothers that carry a baby, have their baby at home with them, they can go out to eat or to the store with them. I feel like I have to always appear up, especially to strangers, to avoid looking like a rude, grouchy person. When you have a healthy baby, there are no expectations on you. People expect you to be tired with no energy. It's easy to smile when you are tired and people are gushing over your new bundle of joy. What about me? I too am recovering from childbirth, I am also grieving and mourning the loss of my child!
Friday is our anniversary, Greg and I have been married for 5 years! We were married in June of 2005, pregnant with Makayla the next month (or two, I'm bad with keeping track but pretty sure it was late July). We had Makayla May of 2006, celebrated our 1 year anniversary in June. Then found out I was pregnant with Hannah just 3 months later. We were on track to have a baby every year that we were married. I sometimes find myself wondering why we did not keep going, but then remember when the doctor was cleaning me up after having Hannah I asked him if he performed vasectomies. Hmmmm, that be why we took a break from our baby marathon. I loved having my body back, it was so nice to fit into clothes again. I did not have my hormone rollercoater, I was able to go back to work, life was great. Then the magical month of May happened again last year. Hannah was turning 2 and we both had baby fever. Fast forward to May 12th and we have another baby girl to celebrate. May just seems to be our month, we wanted to get married in May but all of the reception halls were already booked (a year and a half in advance!).
We just started a class based from the book "The Faith of a Child" yesterday at church. The class was an answer to my prayers, I was not sure how to talk to my children about becoming a Christian. I know what I know, I know what I believe. Sometimes I can write it out but talking opening about it can be another issue. I truly feel the girls have learned from me but I am more concerned about continuing this as they get older. So, we found a great class to help us along the way. In the introduction, Psalm 127:3-5 is highlighted. We are told that our children are a reward from God. The feeling did not last long but I immediately thought, "then what did I do wrong, my child was taken from me?" I have to remember that we still had Olivia, we were blessed with her life. Because of her, I have changed. In the beginning I did not like it, I am not as carefree as I was before December. The changes are not bad though, at all. I look at my life as a gift, my daughter was not given a long life, but I have one. Because of her, I have chosen to set my life standards higher. As long as I live my life with dignity and respect for God and myself, then Olivia's short life is not trivial. Her life mattered, whether it was for one hour or if it would have been 100 years, she has made a mark on our family.
******This post feels random to me. We had such a great day together as a family but yesterday was just so crappy and I have the feelings/thoughts lingering. Please overlook the jumping around, I thought about editing it but my dear husband of soon to be 5 years, has been wanting me to come to bed for 20 minutes!!!********
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Prayer
I have not blogged for a few days, I'm not sure if it is due to the holiday weekend or I really did not have much to say! We have had a great weekend with friends and family surrounded with a lot of fun and happiness.
The girls seem to be transitioning back into everyday life and routine well, we did have a rough patch with both of them. Hannah is still testing us everyday but I have suspicion that this will continue until she goes off to college (or longer); she is the most strong willed, independent little girl that I have ever met.....EVER!
We took the girls to the cemetery for the first time last week. I was not sure when this would happen, I just wanted to make sure we were taking flowers for their first visit. We did not tell them that Olivia's body was in the ground, we told them that the cemetery is where we can go to remember her. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it would be for them to try to separate the idea of her body being in the ground but she is in heaven. They do love visiting the cemetery, it really is a pretty place. I have accepted having her buried rather than cremated. Now I really do like going there for short visits. I can cry, pray and just be alone with my feelings without an audience or distraction, it is such a peaceful place (when the landscapers are not there!)
I have been doing a lot of thinking this week. I was so focused on losing Olivia that I had forgotten all of the answered prayers I have received in the last year. I wanted to have a baby so bad. We started trying last May and we were both so excited at the thought of having another baby. There were tears each month that I was not pregnant, doubts that we should even try since it did not happen right away. We wanted this baby, our prayers were answered. Not in the form that I would have dreamed of but we were blessed with Olivia for a short time. I can remember the day I took the pregnancy test. I had never taken one without Greg home but decided to that day. Makayla had just gotten glasses. I shut myself in my bedroom crying and talking to Greg on the phone, telling him that her needing glasses was the worst thing that could happen. I was going to take down all of our pictures because I could not look at them knowing that I cannot see Makayla's face anymore without glasses blocking it. Sounds crazy right? Sounds like a hormonal pregnant woman to me! About ten minutes after hanging up with Greg I decided to take the one test we had in the cabinet. Of course it was positive, why else would I have been so crazy? I wish I could go back to the joy felt at that moment, I called Greg back since he was working. We were so excited but I would not let him tell anyone right away except his family. In that instant, Makayla's need for glasses no longer crushed me, it all made sense!
December 11th is a day that changed our lives forever. We found out that the child we so desperately wanted would not be for us to keep. From that day and through the next month, I would only pray for strength, peace and for us know that we had made the right decision to carry to term. I say the next month because that is how long it took for me to allow any negative feelings. We were crushed, I chose to focus on the thoughts that everything happens for a reason. I focused on the blessings we had in our lives with Makayla and Hannah. I could not allow myself to feel sorry for myself, anger or pity in the beginning. I was given the peace and strength that I had prayed for. I can say now that I did not always feel comfort in carrying Olivia until after she was born. After the initial month, I allowed the flood of emotions that would come with finding out such devastating news. I had moments that felt that we were doing the right thing, I also had moments that felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Not only for me, but for Greg and the girls. That changed once I had given birth to her, I will NEVER question my decision again. It is a hard road either way but I was able to feel her grow inside of me, I was able to hold her, kiss her and tell her how much she was loved. The baby we prayed for, we were able to hold her in our arms. Sending her away after she had passed was the hardest thing I ever had to do but for a short time, she was just our little girl. Now she will forever be our little angel baby.
I now know, more than ever, that prayers are not always answered in the way we want them to be. I can also say with great certainty that I will probably question why this has happened all over again. For tonight, I am thankful for the strength and peace that I have been given through this journey. While it has not been easy, at all, we have had great support group to help us through such a difficult time.
The girls seem to be transitioning back into everyday life and routine well, we did have a rough patch with both of them. Hannah is still testing us everyday but I have suspicion that this will continue until she goes off to college (or longer); she is the most strong willed, independent little girl that I have ever met.....EVER!
We took the girls to the cemetery for the first time last week. I was not sure when this would happen, I just wanted to make sure we were taking flowers for their first visit. We did not tell them that Olivia's body was in the ground, we told them that the cemetery is where we can go to remember her. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it would be for them to try to separate the idea of her body being in the ground but she is in heaven. They do love visiting the cemetery, it really is a pretty place. I have accepted having her buried rather than cremated. Now I really do like going there for short visits. I can cry, pray and just be alone with my feelings without an audience or distraction, it is such a peaceful place (when the landscapers are not there!)
I have been doing a lot of thinking this week. I was so focused on losing Olivia that I had forgotten all of the answered prayers I have received in the last year. I wanted to have a baby so bad. We started trying last May and we were both so excited at the thought of having another baby. There were tears each month that I was not pregnant, doubts that we should even try since it did not happen right away. We wanted this baby, our prayers were answered. Not in the form that I would have dreamed of but we were blessed with Olivia for a short time. I can remember the day I took the pregnancy test. I had never taken one without Greg home but decided to that day. Makayla had just gotten glasses. I shut myself in my bedroom crying and talking to Greg on the phone, telling him that her needing glasses was the worst thing that could happen. I was going to take down all of our pictures because I could not look at them knowing that I cannot see Makayla's face anymore without glasses blocking it. Sounds crazy right? Sounds like a hormonal pregnant woman to me! About ten minutes after hanging up with Greg I decided to take the one test we had in the cabinet. Of course it was positive, why else would I have been so crazy? I wish I could go back to the joy felt at that moment, I called Greg back since he was working. We were so excited but I would not let him tell anyone right away except his family. In that instant, Makayla's need for glasses no longer crushed me, it all made sense!
December 11th is a day that changed our lives forever. We found out that the child we so desperately wanted would not be for us to keep. From that day and through the next month, I would only pray for strength, peace and for us know that we had made the right decision to carry to term. I say the next month because that is how long it took for me to allow any negative feelings. We were crushed, I chose to focus on the thoughts that everything happens for a reason. I focused on the blessings we had in our lives with Makayla and Hannah. I could not allow myself to feel sorry for myself, anger or pity in the beginning. I was given the peace and strength that I had prayed for. I can say now that I did not always feel comfort in carrying Olivia until after she was born. After the initial month, I allowed the flood of emotions that would come with finding out such devastating news. I had moments that felt that we were doing the right thing, I also had moments that felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Not only for me, but for Greg and the girls. That changed once I had given birth to her, I will NEVER question my decision again. It is a hard road either way but I was able to feel her grow inside of me, I was able to hold her, kiss her and tell her how much she was loved. The baby we prayed for, we were able to hold her in our arms. Sending her away after she had passed was the hardest thing I ever had to do but for a short time, she was just our little girl. Now she will forever be our little angel baby.
I now know, more than ever, that prayers are not always answered in the way we want them to be. I can also say with great certainty that I will probably question why this has happened all over again. For tonight, I am thankful for the strength and peace that I have been given through this journey. While it has not been easy, at all, we have had great support group to help us through such a difficult time.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
What am I supposed to do with myself?
The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of activity which I have loved to keep me busy. This week has been much slower and I have had more time at home. Today has been difficult, I feel fine then I just start crying without warning. I feel trapped in my body right now, I no longer look pregnant. That is fine with me but physically I feel great, I just get tired easier than I would if I did not just give birth 2 weeks ago. I cannot go have a hard workout since I am still technically healing, I dropped alot of weight the first week home and have not since then. I just want a good workout, that is my stress reliever and I cannot do it. I started walking again this week and that has helped a little bit. I am saying all of this because I have all of the normal restrictions but feel like I should do want I want instead of just sitting at home without a baby.
I have to look at pictures to remind myself all of this really happened. I just want my little girl. I see her pictures and cry because I just want to touch her skin again and feel her in my arms. It hurts so much and all I can say is "I want my baby," and that is the one thing I will never get back.
I try to put my extra energy toward cleaning but I have no interest in it. It's just a reminder that I should be taking care of a baby and complaining that I have no time to clean. I threw away all of the dead flowers yesterday for the first time since Olivia was born, that was hard. They are all dying, just like my daughter had to die.
I'm still at a point where I just do not know what to do with myself sometimes. I just keep thinking of right after Olivia is born. I had to ask if my baby was still alive, no parent should ever have to wonder if they will at least get the chance to see their child alive. December 11th, when we found out about the anencephaly, seems so long ago. Back then I thought that I just wanted it all to be over. Now I wish I had more time. Time for what, I do not know. I would have never been ready to say goodbye. There are things that I wanted to do before she was born that I did not get done but in the end, it really does not matter. I had what I needed the most for this situation was time with her inside and to see her alive. She was the most active pregnancy out of the 3 and she kept moving inside until the end. I just wish I could have that 58 minutes back at the hospital. There is nothing I would change that we had done, I just want her back.
I have to look at pictures to remind myself all of this really happened. I just want my little girl. I see her pictures and cry because I just want to touch her skin again and feel her in my arms. It hurts so much and all I can say is "I want my baby," and that is the one thing I will never get back.
I try to put my extra energy toward cleaning but I have no interest in it. It's just a reminder that I should be taking care of a baby and complaining that I have no time to clean. I threw away all of the dead flowers yesterday for the first time since Olivia was born, that was hard. They are all dying, just like my daughter had to die.
I'm still at a point where I just do not know what to do with myself sometimes. I just keep thinking of right after Olivia is born. I had to ask if my baby was still alive, no parent should ever have to wonder if they will at least get the chance to see their child alive. December 11th, when we found out about the anencephaly, seems so long ago. Back then I thought that I just wanted it all to be over. Now I wish I had more time. Time for what, I do not know. I would have never been ready to say goodbye. There are things that I wanted to do before she was born that I did not get done but in the end, it really does not matter. I had what I needed the most for this situation was time with her inside and to see her alive. She was the most active pregnancy out of the 3 and she kept moving inside until the end. I just wish I could have that 58 minutes back at the hospital. There is nothing I would change that we had done, I just want her back.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Week of Firsts
This week has been a very busy week and I had a few firsts to experience. My first first I am very happy to have accomplished. For the first time I have sent out thank you cards! I was an awful bride and first time mommy with no wedding thank you's or thanks for the baby shower gift. I will go ahead and say that I was so thankful for all of our wonderful gifts during these life changing celebrations, I just let life get ahead of me and I never sent them out! So, in honor of Olivia, I am proud to say that I have sent out most of my thank you cards and if I missed anyone, I have REALLY tried this time and I am sorry! ( I should say "we" since Greg did help out )
My second first was going to the cemetery on Wednesday for the first time. We were going to take the girls but decided since I had not been there, Greg and I would go alone. We walked there together and it was a peaceful visit. I have been struggling with the idea that my baby was in the ground right down the road since her burial. And not just a little struggling, haunting my sleep struggling. I know deep down that it is just her body there. She is no longer in that body but all I could think of is her in a tiny little casket covered in rain and mud waiting for us to get her out. I asked Greg after the first night if we could have her pulled out and cremated so that I wouldn't have to go through this forever, he convinced me that it would not be a good idea so I decided against calling the funeral home the next morning. I am so thankful that we did go on Wednesday, since the visit I no longer think of her being stuck in the ground. I can go to the cemetery and remember her and the time we had with her, and decorate with the pinkest flowers that I can find! :)
Makayla is already asking when we will have our "baby baby." She knew that we could not bring Olivia home and she has been patiently waiting. I keep telling her that we might not ever have another baby but she is so persistent anyway. I hope she either gains an understanding if we do not ever try again or it will not matter to her so much.
Overall this week has not been horrible. I miss Olivia everyday, I have cried everyday but the grief is not consuming me. I know that it is possible that it will happen, maybe even when I wake up in the morning. Right now I am focusing on trying to get Makayla and Hannah back into a routine, their lives were also completely turned upside down with this and they do not understand why.
My second first was going to the cemetery on Wednesday for the first time. We were going to take the girls but decided since I had not been there, Greg and I would go alone. We walked there together and it was a peaceful visit. I have been struggling with the idea that my baby was in the ground right down the road since her burial. And not just a little struggling, haunting my sleep struggling. I know deep down that it is just her body there. She is no longer in that body but all I could think of is her in a tiny little casket covered in rain and mud waiting for us to get her out. I asked Greg after the first night if we could have her pulled out and cremated so that I wouldn't have to go through this forever, he convinced me that it would not be a good idea so I decided against calling the funeral home the next morning. I am so thankful that we did go on Wednesday, since the visit I no longer think of her being stuck in the ground. I can go to the cemetery and remember her and the time we had with her, and decorate with the pinkest flowers that I can find! :)
Makayla is already asking when we will have our "baby baby." She knew that we could not bring Olivia home and she has been patiently waiting. I keep telling her that we might not ever have another baby but she is so persistent anyway. I hope she either gains an understanding if we do not ever try again or it will not matter to her so much.
Overall this week has not been horrible. I miss Olivia everyday, I have cried everyday but the grief is not consuming me. I know that it is possible that it will happen, maybe even when I wake up in the morning. Right now I am focusing on trying to get Makayla and Hannah back into a routine, their lives were also completely turned upside down with this and they do not understand why.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
One week
One week ago today we were at the hospital finding out that we were going to meet Olivia that night (or very early the next morning). I have had a week of ups and downs which is to be expected. I am needing a routine back, I feel like I am just floating around wondering what to do with myself when I don't have anything planned out for my day.
I miss my daughter, my heart and body ache for her. How do you tell yourself to go on with your life when every instinct as a mother is to care for your newborn child? I do not sit around and cry all day, I cannot do that for my own sanity. There will be certain moments that just hit me so hard that I just tear up. Makayla asked me one day why I was crying. I told her "Mommy is sad," and she of course wanted to know why. I told her that I miss Olivia, which was followed up with so much hope and faith for a 4 year old. She told me, "I do not miss Olivia because I know she is in heaven and God and Jesus are taking care of her." Both girls are so proud to be a big sisters even though they do not get to see Olivia now.
Thankfully, physically I can get around. I still get up every day and do my hair and makeup, even when I am not going anywhere which is for my own comfort. I have to fight my guilt, I know a lot of mothers feel so much guilt after losing infants. I had a jewelry party scheduled for tonight and went back and forth as to whether I should do it or not. Sunday I decided that I would. It was across the street from my grandma's house so she came to help me set up. I knew that making myself get out to do anything for the first time would be hard so I just jumped right in. I had a great time and do not regret doing it so soon at all. I am struggling with myself now though. I do not want to feel guilty for getting out so soon and I do. I love Olivia and miss her so much but once again, I just do not know what to do with myself. I need to find things to throw myself into because I have more energy than I should. I should be complaining that my baby is up all night or pooping all day. Instead, I'm getting a full night of sleep, have kids that can be self entertaining (not complaining, they have plenty of needy time too!) and the strongest urge to take care of someone or something that is not there.
For now I will try to find new things to look forward to. Yes, I am sitting here trying to tell myself that it is okay to work and enjoy life. I know that it is, I am just so afraid of the guilt that is felt after I do enjoy myself. I'm so afraid of little things. I'm afraid of when Greg is back into the full swing of work and I need him. I'm afraid of having a meltdown and being alone with my kids, I want to be here for them and take care of them. I'm afraid of letting the girls go somewhere with other people, I do not want to lose them too. There is always going to be a part of me missing, I know that these fears will lessen with time. I do not think you can heal fully from losing a baby but the guilt, sadness and fears I hope will become smaller with time.
I miss my daughter, my heart and body ache for her. How do you tell yourself to go on with your life when every instinct as a mother is to care for your newborn child? I do not sit around and cry all day, I cannot do that for my own sanity. There will be certain moments that just hit me so hard that I just tear up. Makayla asked me one day why I was crying. I told her "Mommy is sad," and she of course wanted to know why. I told her that I miss Olivia, which was followed up with so much hope and faith for a 4 year old. She told me, "I do not miss Olivia because I know she is in heaven and God and Jesus are taking care of her." Both girls are so proud to be a big sisters even though they do not get to see Olivia now.
Thankfully, physically I can get around. I still get up every day and do my hair and makeup, even when I am not going anywhere which is for my own comfort. I have to fight my guilt, I know a lot of mothers feel so much guilt after losing infants. I had a jewelry party scheduled for tonight and went back and forth as to whether I should do it or not. Sunday I decided that I would. It was across the street from my grandma's house so she came to help me set up. I knew that making myself get out to do anything for the first time would be hard so I just jumped right in. I had a great time and do not regret doing it so soon at all. I am struggling with myself now though. I do not want to feel guilty for getting out so soon and I do. I love Olivia and miss her so much but once again, I just do not know what to do with myself. I need to find things to throw myself into because I have more energy than I should. I should be complaining that my baby is up all night or pooping all day. Instead, I'm getting a full night of sleep, have kids that can be self entertaining (not complaining, they have plenty of needy time too!) and the strongest urge to take care of someone or something that is not there.
For now I will try to find new things to look forward to. Yes, I am sitting here trying to tell myself that it is okay to work and enjoy life. I know that it is, I am just so afraid of the guilt that is felt after I do enjoy myself. I'm so afraid of little things. I'm afraid of when Greg is back into the full swing of work and I need him. I'm afraid of having a meltdown and being alone with my kids, I want to be here for them and take care of them. I'm afraid of letting the girls go somewhere with other people, I do not want to lose them too. There is always going to be a part of me missing, I know that these fears will lessen with time. I do not think you can heal fully from losing a baby but the guilt, sadness and fears I hope will become smaller with time.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Olivia's Birthday
As many people know, Olivia Ryan was born May 12th at 1:03am. It has taken me awhile to post any details, I have started, stopped...then started again so I'm not sure how much I will actually get into this post but I'm determined to get it posted this time.
After having such a great day Saturday, and really the last 2 weeks before Mother's Day, I knew something was about to change. I was in the bathroom talking to Greg Saturday evening and I told him that the day had been so great that I just knew that I would be going into labor soon. I really had no reason to think that, I was 33/1/2 weeks pregnant and had no extra aches or pains for 2 weeks, everything was great!
On Sunday evening I was having shooting pains and cramping and told Greg that I did not want to go to church and do games for the kids program. He was concerned and did not want me alone so I went and sat with my feet propped up on a chair talking to my grandma for the hour and a half. The pain and discomfort lasted the rest of the evening and we had a doctor appointment Monday morning. I posted in my "Mother's Day" post that everything was normal, maybe the pain was coming from a UTI but nothing else was wrong.
Well, to make a long story short, I was in pain all day Tuesday and ending up sleeping half of the day while my grandma took care of the girls. (Have I mentioned how amazing my grandma is??? She is wonderful!!!) Greg came home that evening to me laying on the couch, covered in sweat literally from my head to my legs. I was miserable but never had a UTI so I thought, "well, this sucks but the antibiotics would kick in." Too bad they do not stop labor pain though because I had started contracting and did not even know it.
Once I was in the hospital and hooked up to monitors, I was told my contractions were about 2 minutes apart. It was the real deal this time and of course had NOTHING packed for the hospital because I just thought I would be going home a couple of hours later. Once I realized that we were not leaving I started crying. I knew that we would soon meet our daughter and say goodbye too quickly. I was not ready, but can you ever really be ready for this?
After a typical labor, Olivia Ryan was born at 1:03am. She weighed 3 lbs and 3 oz and was 15 1/2 inches long. She never took a breath but had a heartbeat when she was born. The only movement I saw was a brief move of her left hand as I was moving her arm. I would have loved to see her breath and kick and be with us so much longer but I prayed and prayed that we would see her alive, and we did receive that blessing. I was able to see that she has brown hair. I was afraid that I would never know her hair color because of the anencephaly but she had hair around her ears and the base of her neck. She had long arms and legs and tiny little shoulders. I had been afraid of what she would look like but she was beautiful. I had heard so many mothers say that they were afraid of how their baby would look and when they were born, they did not care. Greg and I were the same way. Yes, she looked different from our other girls but she was our baby and we just saw her beauty. We were told at 2:01 am that she no longer had a heartbeat. We kept her with us for about 4 more hours before calling to have her taken away.
I wish I had my baby home with me right now, I wish that everything had been perfect in the pregnancy and we could have kept her with us to watch her grow. Even though we only had a short time with her, I love her so much. All she ever knew in her life was the love she had while inside of me and the love of her family's arms. Olivia was only given 58 minutes on this earth but her whole life was love. Although we have this pain to learn to live with, she will never have to suffer in this world. She is safe in the arms of Jesus until we are with her again one day.
I love you Olivia!
After having such a great day Saturday, and really the last 2 weeks before Mother's Day, I knew something was about to change. I was in the bathroom talking to Greg Saturday evening and I told him that the day had been so great that I just knew that I would be going into labor soon. I really had no reason to think that, I was 33/1/2 weeks pregnant and had no extra aches or pains for 2 weeks, everything was great!
On Sunday evening I was having shooting pains and cramping and told Greg that I did not want to go to church and do games for the kids program. He was concerned and did not want me alone so I went and sat with my feet propped up on a chair talking to my grandma for the hour and a half. The pain and discomfort lasted the rest of the evening and we had a doctor appointment Monday morning. I posted in my "Mother's Day" post that everything was normal, maybe the pain was coming from a UTI but nothing else was wrong.
Well, to make a long story short, I was in pain all day Tuesday and ending up sleeping half of the day while my grandma took care of the girls. (Have I mentioned how amazing my grandma is??? She is wonderful!!!) Greg came home that evening to me laying on the couch, covered in sweat literally from my head to my legs. I was miserable but never had a UTI so I thought, "well, this sucks but the antibiotics would kick in." Too bad they do not stop labor pain though because I had started contracting and did not even know it.
Once I was in the hospital and hooked up to monitors, I was told my contractions were about 2 minutes apart. It was the real deal this time and of course had NOTHING packed for the hospital because I just thought I would be going home a couple of hours later. Once I realized that we were not leaving I started crying. I knew that we would soon meet our daughter and say goodbye too quickly. I was not ready, but can you ever really be ready for this?
After a typical labor, Olivia Ryan was born at 1:03am. She weighed 3 lbs and 3 oz and was 15 1/2 inches long. She never took a breath but had a heartbeat when she was born. The only movement I saw was a brief move of her left hand as I was moving her arm. I would have loved to see her breath and kick and be with us so much longer but I prayed and prayed that we would see her alive, and we did receive that blessing. I was able to see that she has brown hair. I was afraid that I would never know her hair color because of the anencephaly but she had hair around her ears and the base of her neck. She had long arms and legs and tiny little shoulders. I had been afraid of what she would look like but she was beautiful. I had heard so many mothers say that they were afraid of how their baby would look and when they were born, they did not care. Greg and I were the same way. Yes, she looked different from our other girls but she was our baby and we just saw her beauty. We were told at 2:01 am that she no longer had a heartbeat. We kept her with us for about 4 more hours before calling to have her taken away.
I wish I had my baby home with me right now, I wish that everything had been perfect in the pregnancy and we could have kept her with us to watch her grow. Even though we only had a short time with her, I love her so much. All she ever knew in her life was the love she had while inside of me and the love of her family's arms. Olivia was only given 58 minutes on this earth but her whole life was love. Although we have this pain to learn to live with, she will never have to suffer in this world. She is safe in the arms of Jesus until we are with her again one day.
I love you Olivia!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day
I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my family. For me, I claim that it started on Saturday. Greg and I woke up about the same time, which never happens. Usually he is out the door as my eyes are opening but since going to bed earlier, I can actually wake up in the morning! We had a dog between our heads, Hannah laying across our feet and Makayla in the middle of all of us. Normally, I am irritated to wake up to so many people in my bed but they snuck in so quietly and slept in! Greg and I had the opportunity to lay in bed and just talk. I cannot tell you what it was about, but it was nice :) Throughout my entire Saturday, the girls were just good. We had a few toddler tiffs but they were just good this weekend. We ended the day with a breakfast style dinner with my grandma. It was just a good day! Sunday was great as well with my family but not as good as MY Mother's Day, haha.
My body is retaliating again though. I will be 34 weeks this week. I have had the most amazing last 2 weeks with pain until Saturday afternoon. The pain I have felt has been the normal pregnancy complaints but now my body is just worn out. I have pain that puts me in tears and leaks that I won't even mention (gross I know). I do not know why this is happening. After a long weekend of it, I called my doctor and went in for my scheduled appointment a day early. I have a wonderful doctor, he has checked everything he could think of and still, everything is normal. I do not understand but keep praying to God to take care of me.
Honestly, I am scared to death. I HATE calling for help, even from my own physician. I know I should not care but I feel like I am wasting so much time, my own included when nothing is wrong. I am the kind of person who likes to be in control of my own life. I feel like I have learned to give up a lot of control with this pregnancy but maybe the lesson has not been learned as I continue to have more unexplained issues that I have to place in God's hands.
Church on Sunday was nice, I was late as usual. (I really wish I could figure this problem out!) The first thing my great grandpa told me after we found out that Olivia has anencephaly was part of the verse Romans 8:28. All things work together for good for God's people. I have tried to think on this verse when I do not know what good can come out of this. I have to believe there is a greater reason for our family to suffer through this or I would have probably lost my mind by now. The sermon yesterday brought this verse up again. It's one that is reoccurring through this pregnancy and will probably be prominent for the rest of my life. When I heard it yesterday though, it made me bitter. How can this be good? How can it be part of the bigger picture? I will probably never understand and if I do it will probably take years to come to terms with it.
Please continue to pray for our family. Please pray for strength for me, both physical and emotional. Some days I think enough is enough but I am cautious when saying that I cannot take too much more, I would hate to find out the hard way that I can.
************Update: I do have an infection, getting antibiotics tonight! I just got a call from the doctor. I am just excited that maybe this will take care of this extra discomfort!***********
My body is retaliating again though. I will be 34 weeks this week. I have had the most amazing last 2 weeks with pain until Saturday afternoon. The pain I have felt has been the normal pregnancy complaints but now my body is just worn out. I have pain that puts me in tears and leaks that I won't even mention (gross I know). I do not know why this is happening. After a long weekend of it, I called my doctor and went in for my scheduled appointment a day early. I have a wonderful doctor, he has checked everything he could think of and still, everything is normal. I do not understand but keep praying to God to take care of me.
Honestly, I am scared to death. I HATE calling for help, even from my own physician. I know I should not care but I feel like I am wasting so much time, my own included when nothing is wrong. I am the kind of person who likes to be in control of my own life. I feel like I have learned to give up a lot of control with this pregnancy but maybe the lesson has not been learned as I continue to have more unexplained issues that I have to place in God's hands.
Church on Sunday was nice, I was late as usual. (I really wish I could figure this problem out!) The first thing my great grandpa told me after we found out that Olivia has anencephaly was part of the verse Romans 8:28. All things work together for good for God's people. I have tried to think on this verse when I do not know what good can come out of this. I have to believe there is a greater reason for our family to suffer through this or I would have probably lost my mind by now. The sermon yesterday brought this verse up again. It's one that is reoccurring through this pregnancy and will probably be prominent for the rest of my life. When I heard it yesterday though, it made me bitter. How can this be good? How can it be part of the bigger picture? I will probably never understand and if I do it will probably take years to come to terms with it.
Please continue to pray for our family. Please pray for strength for me, both physical and emotional. Some days I think enough is enough but I am cautious when saying that I cannot take too much more, I would hate to find out the hard way that I can.
************Update: I do have an infection, getting antibiotics tonight! I just got a call from the doctor. I am just excited that maybe this will take care of this extra discomfort!***********
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