Tuesday, January 24, 2012

When will you get over it?

I was speaking with a friend today about how much of last year I kept my grieving private even though I was struggling so much inside. Of course I let it all out on my blog but in life I just kept it tucked beneath the surface. It was also brought up that some people may expect me to be "over it" by now because they do not understand how I would be so attached to a baby that I never really got a chance to know. Does a mother really need to have a baby for any certain amount of time to know their child? I did not know that a mother's love should or even could be limited to the amount of time they have spent with their child.

I am so grateful I was given the choice to carry my baby, to give her the chance to live her life to her fullest potential. I will never regret pouring all of my heart into her life, no matter how brief. There is no time limit on "getting over" holding my baby until she passed peacefully into the arms of Jesus. She was, is and always will be one of my daughters and that I will never let go of.

This friend does not think this way (as far as I know!) but it was just general discussion. It made me think though, how could I possibly explain myself and my feelings? I have tried a thousand times on here, I could say it until the end of my life but unless someone has walked in this path, there are just NO words to begin to describe the depth of this experience.
I really don't know where I am going with all of this, I'm too tired to even bring the thoughts around and finish the blog! Goodnight!!!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Missing my baby

I find myself wishing again that my baby girl was here with me. What else is new I guess? But tonight it is so much stronger for no huge reason but so many little ones at the same time.
It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life but the longing for her to be one of us is always lingering. I don't know how many more times I can hear "3 girls?" or "still trying for that boy?" before I scream. These comments are not meant to be hurtful, and most people would never think twice but it stings each and everytime. ****SIGH****
I just wish there was an end to this reality, one day I wake up and it never happened to me. I could wake up and get 4 little girls ready for the day, juggle 2 babies while making sure 2 big girls were making it to school, tumbling and cheer.

I had a great visit with my great grandpa this weekend. He is now in a nursing home about 40 minutes away so he will get the best care for his needs. He knows me, Greg and the girls, it's the details and timeline he seems to have the most problems with. His wife, my great grandma, died a couple of years ago. They were blessed with over 60 years of marriage, that's a standard I want to live up to :) In that time together, they had 3 living children and lost 3 also. I sat next to him on his bed while he talked about one baby they lost. A little boy, he talked about how that baby was big and about ready to go and they do not know why he passed away. I asked if it was ever something is he able to get past and he just said "no, no it's not." My great grandpa is 88 years old, he has carried the loss of these babies for over 60 years and still talks about it as if he were in the moment that it all happened.

Tonight I was reading the book "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heavven." Yes it was one of those nights, I needed the outlet and that book gets me everytime. The page that caught me and I reread many times was,
"Someday, Mommy, we will hold eachother tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair....and once again, our hearts will beat together."
As much as I crave to have all of that right now, all over again, I am so glad I had that...even for such a short time. I had her, here in my arms. I felt each and every kick. I heard her heartbeat and held back tears, taking it all in just knowing that she would not be mine forever. I held her in my arms and how perfect she felt. I even had a chance to stroke the little bit of hair, I did not expect her to have any but there was just enough at the base of her neck for me to remember. Just knowing how sweet those memories feel through all the ache and missing my little girl, how glorious it will be to have her in my arms once again. My earthly hopes and dreams are that she is small enough in heaven for me to hold and cradle her again. Until then, I will hold on to that little bit of time that she was all ours and how wonderful it felt.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" Revelation 21:4