Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I'm not sure what it is about Thanksgiving but the last two years I get very down and go to a very emotionally dark place right before. I have never really looked forward to the holiday. I enjoy getting together with family but it's just a holiday that never meant much to me.

The buildup is always so much worse than the actual day. I don't know if I dread it because it's the change of seasons, for some reason that is always rough for me. Or because the diagnosis day is right after or that we are approaching another Christmas with one less daughter. It could be a combination of all of the above.

I need to keep this short, Claire just woke up and is trying to pound the keyboard! Anyway, once Thanksgiving actually arrived, I truly enjoyed my day. I am so glad to be over that hump and look forward to Christmas. Although I am saddened when I think about what could have been, my heart is so filled up to have a baby during the Christmas season again!

Monday, November 21, 2011


Oh what I wouldn't give to make this aching go away. I keep expecting time to take it away but it's still here. Sometimes more dull than others but this time of year brings it on so strong that my heart just hurts. Holidays and approaching D-day all over again, right in the middle of it all.
Holidays are so difficult, there is so much joy but my mind cannot help but imagine another little girl in the mix of it all. It is not a far stretch of my imagination. We had lived through 2 kids so close in age, Makayla and Hannah are just over 12 1/2 months apart. We were watching home videos of when the older 2 were young and I am reminded of what Claire is cheated out of, what we all are cheated out of. Each time I think of Claire dangling out there without her sister close in age, it crushes me. Yes, I believe all of my girls will be close as they grow up but the special bond the older 2 have will be different than their bond with her.
I see pictures of Makayla and Hannah together as a 1 and 2 year old and wonder why that wasn't enough for us. Why in the world would God give us the desire for another child only to have her die in our arms??
We have a family picture of us I have yet to put up. I want to, and I think I will but with Claire in the picture I see a hole where Olivia should be too. I heard a comment a couple of weeks ago that we "waited awhile before trying again." I bit my tongue, if only this person knew the true waiting we went through. Waiting month after month to become pregnant the 3rd time. Waited to hear a heartbeat only to find out our baby would die the same day we heard and saw her perfect, strong heart. Waiting to meet our daughter while praying she would be born alive. Then after Olivia, waiting all over again to welcome our precious rainbow baby into our family.
Despite all of this aching, I have decided to find joy in the holidays this year and I do believe that is a decision we all have to consciously make. Last year was so difficult and I want to truly enjoy it this year, we have so much to be thankful for.