Sunday, October 30, 2011

Is this your first?

Is this your first? I had been asked this several times today, I want to say at least 4. I know that I have been different this time around but I do not think I realized how frantic I have become about my children.
Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too.
This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.
As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried}
After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God.
I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since.
This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Balloon Release and Baby Dust

It has been a long time since blogging on this blog, not that I have not tried. I have several posts that I started and one even finished but could not publish it. I don't know whether I am tired of sharing my grief or feel like others would be tired of hearing about it. The grief is not fun, some times I feel like it is so easy but then a huge wave comes rushing over me and in the end, I just want my baby here with us.
The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Originally we had planned to go to a big event in Minnesota but adding a new baby with poor planning does not make a big trip happen! Instead we planned a small balloon release at the cemetery which turned out very nice. There were several women that had been touched by miscarraige or infant death that were able to attend while others sent pictures of balloons they had released from other areas. We had gotten 10 balloons and they all ended up traveling together since the cards knotted up!

I had entered a drawing for a free signed copy of the new book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy. Saturday afternoon I came home and it was in the mailbox. I was so excited to get it and opened it to read just a few pages. Before I knew it, I was over 100 pages into it! I had to put it up for awhile to feed my family but after the girls went to bed I jumped right back into it. Greg was watching the Cardinals so he did not mind and I finished the book that evening! Needless to say, I really enjoyed this book. There were so many parts where I was just thinking, "I have totally been there!" It touches on the lives of 5 women who have all been affected by the loss of a baby in some way. All of their situations were different but they were united through the grief of their babies. Thank you to Honoring Our Angels Blog for the wonderful gift :)