Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I should be sleeping....

Why is it that everytime I get upset about something, it makes me miss Olivia so much more? Even if what I am upset or hurt about has absolutely nothing to do with her or any of our children?

I think part of it is thinking of how the "old me" would have handled the situation. It's not something I'm proud of, not that I was a bad person or mean spirited, just did not think much before I spoke. I knew the power of words but did not care if they could sting someone to their core just so that I could feel better for awhile.

I always have to weigh in the "new me" and remind myself that our family did not go through this, or any of our pain, in vain. My life has been reshaped from that point on. It would be a disservice to the testimony of our lives to fly off the handle and react emotionally, just because I feel like it.

***sigh*** This really has nothing to do with Olivia but when I feel like this I think the devil is playing on my insecurities, "it would all be better, if only.....your baby didn't die...." IF she didn't die we would...[fill in the blank]...we would not _________. I cannot even fill in the blanks because having her here would not change most circumstances, in reality I know I react better because of her, but it always comes full circle to this in my mind.

Tonight I am laying my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and not allowing those terrible thoughts, doubts and insecurities to affect myself or my family. I'm letting it go, knowing that I will feel tons better about it in the morning!!