Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Mothers Day and First Birthday

I had no idea that Mother's Day would have become so difficult. It was a day that I found myself juggling the feelings of how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful healthy daughters and the pain of missing Olivia. I have found a way, in my daily life, to balance these feelings. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Olivia, she is just part of Greg and me but when I think of her it is not always sad or full of grief. The pain of losing her is so magnified on the special days like Christmas and Mother's Day.

It was difficult to even get out of the house on Sunday but I did it. I am so thankful for Makayla and Hannah, their joy for everything is what helped me survive Mother's Day. They were just excited to celebrate something. We went to church and met my grandma and Greg's parents for lunch. I found myself fighting back tears every time someone told me Happy Mother's Day (unless it was coming from Makayla and Hannah). Of course I did not share that with anyone, it's awkward and I really did not want to hear "At least you still have 2 healthy children." Yes, I have heard it and while I love them and so grateful I have been given the opportunity to raise them, we have had 3 children, not 2. It is not easier that I knew she was going to die or that she lived an hour instead of years, it still hurts.

I hope Mother's Day gets easier in the coming years. I'm sure since it was the first one without Olivia it was so much more difficult and her 1st birthday is the same week. Tomorrow is her birthday and I hope the day is peaceful for us. Greg is taking the day off and we are still not sure what we will be doing. I have ordered some balloons for a balloon release at the cemetery and will probably get an icecream cake because I am addicted to them. I would really love to just go somewhere with the girls and get away so we will see what we can do, weather permitting!