Thursday, December 23, 2010

First Christmas

With Christmas quickly approaching I thought I should do a quick post. This is going to be far from an emotional post since I am just not in that kind of a mood today, thank God!!!

Olivia would have been 7 months this Christmas, the same age as Makayla and Hannah for their first Christmas. Obviously we have a thing for May babies!! We decorated a Christmas tree for the cemetery and chose to not post pictures because it looks so tacky (smile). It's ok to laugh at that, the girls put their entire hearts into it! It was a small tree with a little package of decorations, the girls decided they wanted more decorations and it is now filled with giant snowflakes. We loved watching them work so hard and of course we told them it was beautiful.

I try to imagine what it would be like with a baby this Christmas and I honestly cannot picture it. I watch Makayla and Hannah bounce all over the place and enjoy that this is the first year they are REALLY into Christmas. They love it all, they love hearing the story of baby Jesus, they love that Santa is coming and the presents under the tree. This might be the funnest Christmas with the 2 of them that we have ever had.

Makayla's first Christmas

Hannah's first Christmas

Another mother, Shannon, who lost her daughter Skylar to anencephaly this year made an angel tree. She sent a picture of an Olivia ornament. Thank you again Shannon, I am always so grateful to "meet" other mothers who have suffered loss, we continue to remember our babies together.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

December 11

Saturday, December 11th, marked the one year anniversary that we found out that our baby would not be coming home with us. It was a day that I allowed to pass without too much thought, the days leading up to it were difficult but we had Christmas parties that day so I pushed it to the back of my mind. The next day, all of the emotions from last year came flooding back.

December 11th will forever be remembered as the most significant day of my life. Before then, my life was going the way I wanted. Greg and I were better than ever, our girls were healthy and beautiful and we were expecting another baby. Life was great. The week before, my doctor scheduled an ultrasound because his heart rate monitor was broken. I remember him telling me, just like it was yesterday, "we'll get an ultrasound, then you can have pictures too." Little did I know that I would be walking out of that ultrasound with only one picture of her hand and have to make a decision that would change our lives forever.

Looking back through my posts I remember each heartache along the way. It still feels like part of our lives is missing. It is impossible to have a baby, go home empty handed then continue life as normal. There are reminders every day, I have just learned to live with them. In many ways my heart is healing. I do not know if it will ever fully heal but there have been blessings in our lives because of Olivia. I would love to say I would give up those blessings to have our daughter here with us but that is not the plan God had for her life or ours. One of the greatest blessings that has come out of the last year is Greg becoming a Christian. He always attended church with the girls and I, did his duty on Sunday morning then went on with his week. Over the last year, he has accepted Jesus as his Savior and his faith has grown immensely. I would love to say this would have happened even if Olivia was healthy but I cannot be sure of that. I have learned through this that faith grows during the darkest points of our lives.