Tuesday, May 1, 2012


It has been awhile since I have posted on here and I honestly have not even felt like it. I am so glad winter is over, I would get the winter blues before Olivia but after her....whoa!!! The darkness settles back in and while I try to fight it, it usually overpowers me no matter how happy I am. Thank God for spring and sunshine to renew myself or I might lose my mind!

I wanted to give an update on something I had struggled with from the time I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Claire until she was about 6 months old. If this is new news to you and you are close to me, it's because I chose to keep it inside for far too long. Even my husband was unaware of this until mid-Janurary (5 months after it began). Although I never had it officially diagnosed, I was suffering from what I believe was a form of PTSD. It started during the L&D of Claire. The labor itself was not bad but when it came time to push I panicked, big time! The last time that I pushed out a baby, I had watched Olivia's lifeless body, waiting for the doctor to tell me if she was alive or dead and it all came flooding back at that very moment. It did not help that my doctor was not at all supportive. I had the same doctor deliver the first 3 girls but this one was new and she was in a pissy mood and not at all afraid to show it in the delivery room.

Obviously I made it through the delivery and I was fine the rest of the time I was in the hospital. Not long after going home I began to have very vivid flashes of Olivia's delivery several times a day. It would come flooding in at any given time with no known trigger.

I would also see Claire as Olivia was while she was still with us. I knew that it was a different baby but the bottom half of their faces are identical. Olivia's tongue was also swollen and filled up her mouth, it just happens that it was the exact same way Claire would hold her mouth while sleeping. When I would walk into a room and she was sleeping I would flash right back to Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love to think about my daughter but these were so far out of my control. I love to remember holding her while she was still alive and taking a nap with her in my arms after she had passed. Painfully, I can only recall one memory of me kissing my sweet Olivia although Greg said I did alot.

I hesitate to use the term PTSD for several reasons. I never told my doctor, I was too embarrassed and there is no diagnosis. I only viewed it as something soldiers had when returning from war and I never felt violent or suicidal because of it, just torn apart. Once I finally told Greg it was as if the stronghold was let go. I shared this with a few others but I never was too vocal or open about it because I felt like I was crazy because of it.

Around the time Claire turned 6 months the flashes stopped. I was finally healing enough from my pelvic pain to walk and was capable of starting some exercises again. I also would push those visions out and force the wonderful ones that I did have with her. It was not easy, the traumatic moments are just as real as the wonderful ones, it is all part of the beauty of choosing to carry a baby with a fatal diagnosis.

Looking back, I wish I would have sought out counseling rather than be tortured so long but I am glad that is over. I still miss her every single day, that will never go away but the joy her brief life has brought us will also remain with us always!