Sunday, February 13, 2011

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I have posted on my blogs. Over four weeks since we have announced the expectany of baby #4 on our family blog. For some reason, it just seems more difficult to seperate the feelings of grief and the feelings of pregnancy but I think they might just have to coexist, they are both a part of me.

I am now 16 weeks and 3 days pregnant with this new little bundle which we are overjoyed about but also very guarded. We do know that this baby does not have anencephaly. This has been followed up with comments of "you must be so relieved now," "now you can start working on the nursery," "I bet you are hoping for a boy," and the list goes on and on of comments that I can respond to and really make an awkward situation.

"You must be so relieved." That's a loaded one, while I do feel relieved that this baby does not have anencephaly, I also am very aware that I have a long road before he/she is born and how many other things could go wrong before that. I almost feel as if I am doubting that God will bless us with another living child. I know that I am not, I just know that nothing in this life is gauranteed because we want it to happen or we "deserve" it. One bad outcome will not shield us from further pain this side of heaven, we are in a fallen world and there will be suffering even if we do not "deserve" it. So yes, while I am relieved, I continue to pray that this baby will be born healthy and our faith will not have to be tested again by losing another child.

That seems to roll right into the next comment "now you can start working on the nursery." Definitely not. I am not sure I will want to put it together before we bring the baby home quite honestly. Some days I am just ready to buy stuff and get started but most days I cannot imagine putting together a nursery just to come home empty handed again. In less than 4 weeks we will have another ultrasound to determine all other organs are fully functioning, rule out other NTDs and the GENDER. I am so excited to know, I am not a supporter of waiting till the baby comes out. Do not tell me it's the one last surprise in life, I am still surprised when I come home and Greg has cleaned up the house, I do not need to wait for a baby to come out for to be surprised. (No offense to others who prefer to wait, that is your decision, go you!) I think knowing the gender will help me move forward in preparing for this baby whatever it may be!

How appropriate to follow with my final comment, "I bet you are hoping for a boy." I know that nobody means anything by this but it stings every single time. This is the first time I can honestly say I do not care what this baby is as long as it is healthy. With Makayla and Hannah, I wanted girls, period. And I have my girls. With Olivia, I/we really wanted a boy, preferably twin boys but one would have been fine. Looking back, I would have taken 100 girls as long as they were all healthy and in my arms. I think it's about time to start buying some blue in our house but if pink is once again in our future, that will be perfect too. We have already picked a girl name, but cannot figure out a boy name (I have my boy name but Greg is not completely sold).

I'm not sure if this post is completely tied together but I have missed my blogger world and cannot wait to catch up with everyone. I have not forgotten you guys, I have just needed to step back for awhile.

I feel as if I should add that I am indeed excited for this pregnancy, it just comes with a whole new level of emotions when following the loss of Olivia. The due dates are about a month apart and the milestones almost fall together on the calendar. The reminders are there daily but I am sure they would be whether I was pregnant again or not.