Thursday, May 27, 2010

What am I supposed to do with myself?

The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of activity which I have loved to keep me busy. This week has been much slower and I have had more time at home. Today has been difficult, I feel fine then I just start crying without warning. I feel trapped in my body right now, I no longer look pregnant. That is fine with me but physically I feel great, I just get tired easier than I would if I did not just give birth 2 weeks ago. I cannot go have a hard workout since I am still technically healing, I dropped alot of weight the first week home and have not since then. I just want a good workout, that is my stress reliever and I cannot do it. I started walking again this week and that has helped a little bit. I am saying all of this because I have all of the normal restrictions but feel like I should do want I want instead of just sitting at home without a baby.

I have to look at pictures to remind myself all of this really happened. I just want my little girl. I see her pictures and cry because I just want to touch her skin again and feel her in my arms. It hurts so much and all I can say is "I want my baby," and that is the one thing I will never get back.

I try to put my extra energy toward cleaning but I have no interest in it. It's just a reminder that I should be taking care of a baby and complaining that I have no time to clean. I threw away all of the dead flowers yesterday for the first time since Olivia was born, that was hard. They are all dying, just like my daughter had to die.

I'm still at a point where I just do not know what to do with myself sometimes. I just keep thinking of right after Olivia is born. I had to ask if my baby was still alive, no parent should ever have to wonder if they will at least get the chance to see their child alive. December 11th, when we found out about the anencephaly, seems so long ago. Back then I thought that I just wanted it all to be over. Now I wish I had more time. Time for what, I do not know. I would have never been ready to say goodbye. There are things that I wanted to do before she was born that I did not get done but in the end, it really does not matter. I had what I needed the most for this situation was time with her inside and to see her alive. She was the most active pregnancy out of the 3 and she kept moving inside until the end. I just wish I could have that 58 minutes back at the hospital. There is nothing I would change that we had done, I just want her back.


  1. Cynthia and Greg, As Sarah and I are just weeks behind you and Greg on this journey, I like these words from "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me
    "And I know there'll be days
    When this life brings me pain
    But if that's what it takes to praise You
    Jesus, bring the rain"

    Here's the link to the song.

  2. Praying for you. I feel your pain. I just want you to know I LOVE that picture of Olivia. She is beautiful! I told my husband today that i don't feel like I will ever feel happy again,beacause the only thing that would make me happy would be to have Ella back.

  3. Be gentle with yourself! I know that longing that you are feeling. It hurts, hurts, hurts. It is almost a physical ache to want her back. Bless you, praying that God will flood your mind and heart with the peace that passes all understanding. She was here, she knew love, and still knows love. Often in my prayers, I ask God to give Eli kisses and hugs and tell him how very much his mama loves him. It brings me comfort to ask for these things. I truly believe he answers those prayers. I am sorry you hurt so badly. It is something I wished that no mother had to through. Praying, praying, praying.

  4. I love the picture you have put up of Olivia, it is priceless how beautiful she is! My heart goes out to you.


  5. Of course you want her back. I think we always will.