One week

One week ago today we were at the hospital finding out that we were going to meet Olivia that night (or very early the next morning). I have had a week of ups and downs which is to be expected. I am needing a routine back, I feel like I am just floating around wondering what to do with myself when I don't have anything planned out for my day.

I miss my daughter, my heart and body ache for her. How do you tell yourself to go on with your life when every instinct as a mother is to care for your newborn child? I do not sit around and cry all day, I cannot do that for my own sanity. There will be certain moments that just hit me so hard that I just tear up. Makayla asked me one day why I was crying. I told her "Mommy is sad," and she of course wanted to know why. I told her that I miss Olivia, which was followed up with so much hope and faith for a 4 year old. She told me, "I do not miss Olivia because I know she is in heaven and God and Jesus are taking care of her." Both girls are so proud to be a big sisters even though they do not get to see Olivia now.

Thankfully, physically I can get around. I still get up every day and do my hair and makeup, even when I am not going anywhere which is for my own comfort. I have to fight my guilt, I know a lot of mothers feel so much guilt after losing infants. I had a jewelry party scheduled for tonight and went back and forth as to whether I should do it or not. Sunday I decided that I would. It was across the street from my grandma's house so she came to help me set up. I knew that making myself get out to do anything for the first time would be hard so I just jumped right in. I had a great time and do not regret doing it so soon at all. I am struggling with myself now though. I do not want to feel guilty for getting out so soon and I do. I love Olivia and miss her so much but once again, I just do not know what to do with myself. I need to find things to throw myself into because I have more energy than I should. I should be complaining that my baby is up all night or pooping all day. Instead, I'm getting a full night of sleep, have kids that can be self entertaining (not complaining, they have plenty of needy time too!) and the strongest urge to take care of someone or something that is not there.

For now I will try to find new things to look forward to. Yes, I am sitting here trying to tell myself that it is okay to work and enjoy life. I know that it is, I am just so afraid of the guilt that is felt after I do enjoy myself. I'm so afraid of little things. I'm afraid of when Greg is back into the full swing of work and I need him. I'm afraid of having a meltdown and being alone with my kids, I want to be here for them and take care of them. I'm afraid of letting the girls go somewhere with other people, I do not want to lose them too. There is always going to be a part of me missing, I know that these fears will lessen with time. I do not think you can heal fully from losing a baby but the guilt, sadness and fears I hope will become smaller with time.