tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1481306738160091092024-03-05T21:32:13.391-08:00Our Journey for Olivia RyanMy name is Cynthia. My husband Greg and I have been married 5 years. We have 3 daughters, Makayla (5), Hannah (4), Claire (born in July) and Olivia. Olivia was born anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. We were blessed to spend time with her before giving her back to the Lord. We find comfort in knowing that we will see her again some day.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-54265658136103671432013-11-30T02:45:00.000-08:002013-11-30T02:45:26.542-08:00Reflecting<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 18.88888931274414px;">I posted this in a bereavement group tonight and thought I would share here too. I don't post much on the blog anymore and it's not a place I visit too often either. It's amazing to see such a huge transition. There are times I still ache for my baby girl to the point I seriously wonder how I am supposed to go the rest of my life without her. There are times it feels so fresh and raw that I cannot figure out if all of this happened yesterday or started almost 4 years ago. I just wish I could go back in time and assure myself that I will find a way to navigate this new life and it's not all bad, she's still part of me and part of our family.<br /><br />"<i>Tonight I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep for some reason. I decided to go back and read my blog from when I was carrying my baby with anencephaly and the few months after she was born. We are quickly approaching the 4 year mark of D-day and my emotions have been out of whack just anticipating it.</i></span><br />
<i><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 18.88888931274414px;" /></i>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 18.88888931274414px;"><i>Through tears, I read my desperate posts while carrying Olivia. I was searching, praying and willing positivity and hope into myself. I have a hard time recognizing myself in my words and pictures from "before." I found the transition of when I became the "after," the new me and felt so much comfort in myself. I can plainly see now that there is the old me, the carrying to term and fresh grief me and the new me. </i></span><br />
<i><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 18.88888931274414px;" /></i>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 18.88888931274414px;"><i>I have said so many times that I miss myself, my husband and the way it was "before." I still do and still grieve for the way it used to be but I decided tonight that I really do like me. I always have but I am now more confident in myself, my family and my faith than I ever have been. I can see where that change happened so if you don't write things down, do it. It's very eye opening, sometimes hard to read but I am so glad I have those memories and to see how far we have come."</i></span>CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-19346798113543150112013-06-02T22:24:00.002-07:002013-06-02T22:24:25.962-07:003rd BirthdayMay 12th, Mother's Day, we celebrated Olivia's 3rd birthday. <br />
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Quite honestly, this was a birthday I had been dreading since over a year before when I realized I would have to share her special day with Mother's Day. Mother's Day has never been the same since losing her, it is almost excruciating to hear the words "Happy Mother's Day" by someone other than my own children. I do not know why, there are a million reasons why I have considered in my head but I'm too tired to analyze myself right now!<br /><br />I will tell you, just like with all of the milestones, the buildup to the day is actually the most difficult for me. The day turned out wonderful. I really wanted to just focus on our girls, even though Mother's Day is painful for me, for them it's awesome. One thing I never wanted to do was have any part of Olivia's life or death to take away joy from my other girls. <br />
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I had planned ahead to skip church and just run away with the family for the day. When Sunday rolled around, I decided I wanted to go to church first. It was not painful like I had expected and we left immediately after 1st service to head to Terre Haute to the children's museum there. A friend had told me about how clean and nice it was there so we decided to give it a go. Claire and I both got in free, Claire because she was under 2 and me because it was free to mom's on Mother's Day...score! It was so clean and nice, we got there shortly after they opened and it was practically empty until the last half hour. There was a craft area to make a Mother's Day gift so now I have 2 wind chimes!<br />
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After the museum we went to the mall for some shopping. I am actively teaching my big girls how to shop sales/clearance. They can have nice things but with 4 girls at home, they are going to have to know how to budget shop! They love it and are learning it now.<br />
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After the mall we decided to go look at the puppies at the pet store. We explained that we were NOT buying a dog that day. We didn't buy a dog but we all fell in love with the cutest little dog and there were some big tears when we left empty handed. Lesson learned! No pet stores unless we are for sure buying a dog! <br />
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Before heading home we went to Garfield's for dinner. All 3 girls loved getting to color on the table "cloth" while waiting for food. They really wanted ice cream so I made a deal to stop on the way home for that so they could let there dinner settle. I did not want 3 girls puking (or 1 for that matter!) on the car ride home!<br />
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We made it home from our fantastic family day and walked into a house filled with gas (another blog for another day!) Someone anonymous and wonderful had left a gift on our door. Unfortunately with our gas emergency, I dropped the gift inside and did not open it for over a week! When I finally got my life back in order (or as much as I ever will, haha!) I opened a wonderful card and gift. It was a note and a willow tree figurine. I had actually looked at the willow tree stuff at the mall but did not go in and buy one! I have it put up in our room for now since I have an almost 2 year old that enjoys throwing...everything! I want to let whoever brought us the gift to know how much it was appreciated, even a week later when life was not so chaotic...and filled with gas :)<br />
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CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-3029233904905930512013-05-05T22:09:00.001-07:002013-05-05T22:09:42.087-07:00Her WeekAs much as I try to avoid the emotions that come along with approaching yet another birthday, we are down to the week of again. I'll probably be posting a lot on here this week because I am trying to sort through all of the feelings/emotions that come along with hitting another milestone without my daughter here.<br />
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May 12th we will be celebrating Olivia's 3rd birthday. I type through tears as I think about all the other 3 year olds that are celebrating their birthdays now. They are all talking, really talking and conversating! And potty trained, my most dreaded mothering task! There are times that I cannot picture having her in the middle of our girls but really, now, I can. <br />
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I was setting up a toddler bed tonight for Claire and it broke my heart. I was looking at the crib on one side and the bed on the other side of Claire's room. It should have been there all along. I wish I was trying to figure out how to squeeze another bed in our small house instead of arranging 2 groups of girls that seems like it was planned to be this way. <br />
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UGH, subject change, but if one more person refers to this current pregnancy as our "4th girl," I may scream. I correct 99% of people when this occurs, most of them well aware of our daughter that died. We have our 4th girl, this one on the way, is our 5th. Although it may be uncomfortable each and every time I take the time to say it, it is far more difficult to deal with the feeling it gives me to just not acknowledge Olivia's place in our family. <br />
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Truthfully, I am looking forward to getting past this week. I expect each birthday to get easier. The "normal" times are so much easier but each milestone breaks my heart more and more. I hate getting further and further from the last time Olivia was here, growing inside me....further from holding her in my arms. I'll end my depressing post for the night, I don't see this getting much better as my week goes on so I'll save the rest for another day! CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-27336304302318499902013-04-06T22:34:00.000-07:002013-04-06T22:34:19.718-07:00Kids are FunnyI wasn't sure where to share this one but as inappropriate as it may seem, it hit my funny bone today. This morning we were all at home, enjoying a lazy Saturday morning. <br />
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Claire was wandering around the house and Greg asked "where's your baby sister?"<br />
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Both big girls said "I don't know."<br />
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We told them to go look for her and Hannah responds, very seriously and with a 'you have got to be kidding me look', "I don't have to, she's in heaven."<br />
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I waited until she walked away and laughed...a lot! Why on earth she would think we meant Olivia, I have no clue!! In case you were wondering, Claire (<em>the sister we meant</em>!) was playing in her room.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-50349048054240616592013-02-16T21:25:00.000-08:002013-02-16T21:25:52.103-08:00SIGH!This is in every way a "poor me" post. I am posting on here rather than forcing the Facebook world to read about my hormonal, grief filled sadness. I know I will be ok tomorrow and I will not want random people walking up to me and knowing all my business unless they came here to read it.<br /><br />I'm not sure what happened today but it is a definitely and cry my eyes out kind of night. I really don't have much to say, just missing my baby. I really allowed myself to get into that funk of what my life could have been. <br />
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I just wish I could go back to May 12, 2010 for just awhile to hold Olivia in my arms again. My body still aches for her when I go there, I don't allow myself to think too much anymore about my grief. I think of her in almost every moment, just as I would the other 3 girls but I cannot dwell on it or I feel like I do tonight. <br />
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Even though we are just a couple of months from her 3rd birthday, I still have not quite figured out how to make sense of this life after loss. I do the best I can for my husband and girls, we do still live a busy normal life but it does not feel right. I changed when I had to bury my baby and I still do not know what my life should look like on this side of it. <br />
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*SIGH* I wish I had the words to say, I feel like I've said it all before. Right now I am thanking God for Lifetime movies that can help me get all of those tears out!!! Like I said, tomorrow I will be fine, tonight I just needed to let it all out and I already feel a tiny bit better.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-71763448371711094562013-01-13T20:52:00.001-08:002013-01-13T20:52:47.789-08:00This CommunityTonight I was moved to tears upon reading a post on Facebook. Normally I skim through most, some emotional, some not and really not put much thought into them. I skimmed past one posted by <a href="http://sufficientgraceministries.org/">Sufficient Grace Ministries</a> and did a double take, scrolled back up and began crying when I read this:<br />
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"<span class="userContent"><strong>Just receive another prayer request from a dear momma who lost her precious son and then had 3 miscarriages. She is currently expecting. Will you join us in lifting her in prayer and the sweet baby being knit together in her womb? Every precious life matters to God, and He hears our prayers for these moms and their little ones. Praying Psalm 139:13-14 for her: "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.<br /> I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made". Please pray for comfort, strength, and peace for her and health for her and her sweet little one. Thank you...your prayers mean so much!!"</strong></span><br />
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<span class="userContent">There have been many times that I have felt so blessed to have found such a wonderful community of women who share in the pain of childloss. I found found a family of friends, most of whom I will never meet but still talk about them as if our kids have playdates together. We have cried together, laughed together, celebrated new life while others have had to say goodbye to more of their babies. Without this community, I know that I would not have been able to face many firsts. The first time I held a newborn baby after losing Olivia, I came home and typed through tears and they understood. When I became pregnant with Claire, those women were among the first to know. All of the feelings, hurts, grief, frustrations, my heart was poured out to them and they truly understood. I am forever thankful that we live in a time that has allowed me to connect with other women in this way.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent">Other times I hate it. I genuinely wish that I would have never had to enter this world. I have intentionally distanced myself from groups and blogs because it hurts. Some days I just wish I could forget, not Olivia, but the emptiness of her not being here. The sad reality of this is that it never ends. I have reached a point where my good days far outnumber the bad but my God, what I wouldn't give to hold my baby one more time. And for that, these groups are a constant reminder. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent">Then I came across that post today and it reminded me of the beauty of this journey. We, as women...as people, can put our differences aside. We surround each other with love, prayer and encouragement. We can come together and pray for this woman and so many others that so badly want that "take home baby." I don't know all of their stories or their struggles but I can connect to the pain. Please pray tonight for these women who have endured so much suffering. Pray that they will be blessed with that miracle of a perfect, healthy baby that can help heal their hearts. </span>CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-62799881538824636972012-11-13T20:01:00.002-08:002012-11-13T20:01:51.610-08:00Yep, this happened to me (Posted on wrong blog!)It has been a strange week of reminders that we did actually lose a baby. I do not know how to say it clearly but there are times that I just sit back and think "wow, that really did happen to our family!"<br />
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Makayla has been learning math sentences and writing out math problems from a story at school. One day this week she was saying different scenarios and adding them together and they went something like this:<br />
"If Mommy had one baby and then had another baby then she had two babies."<br />
"If Mommy had two babies then had another baby and that baby died, then she still has 2 babies.....right mommy?"<br />
And this is the reality for my sweet little 6 year old. She has really tried since she was 3 to wrap her head around this reality we are all forced to deal with.<br />
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I found myself looking at a picture of a family with 4 kids and thought of how great it looked. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an issue with an odd number of children. I know that in my heart I have 4 children, I have carried 4 babies and held them all in my arms. I can hardly look at pictures of our family of 5. I have a picture on our wall of the 5 of us from when Claire was just a couple of months old and have probably looked at it a handful of times. In fact, I only look at it when I am pointing out to people how fat I look in it. Anyway, got off subject a little bit! I so badly want another baby to "even up" our family, Greg is not against this but he says that even with another baby we will always feel like one is missing. I know that and I'm not thinking of a "replacement baby" but I cry every time I think about Claire growing up without her sister that is close in age :(<br />
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My other reminder was tonight. I was reading a story about a baby that had died shortly after she was born. I was looking at the pictures of this beautiful little girl with no sign of defect to be seen. I had the same feeling of disconnect that I had to these situations before Olivia's diagnosis. I was reading and thinking that it would be horrible to have a baby, hold her and then just have her gone one day. Then suddenly a hard lump that I just couldn't swallow popped up in my throat. My disconnection from it all was gone and once again I was feeling compassion. I also am that mother that knows the pain of saying goodbye too soon. <br />
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Although I am typing this about specifics, I do think of her everyday pretty much continually. I can't explain it but I know my fellow BLM's understand.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-7093577379525086102012-08-14T21:59:00.002-07:002012-08-14T22:19:06.220-07:00I should be sleeping....Why is it that everytime I get upset about something, it makes me miss Olivia so much more? Even if what I am upset or hurt about has absolutely nothing to do with her or any of our children?<br /><br />I think part of it is thinking of how the "old me" would have handled the situation. It's not something I'm proud of, not that I was a bad person or mean spirited, just did not think much before I spoke. I knew the power of words but did not care if they could sting someone to their core just so that I could feel better for awhile. <br /><br />I always have to weigh in the "new me" and remind myself that our family did not go through this, or any of our pain, in vain. My life has been reshaped from that point on. It would be a disservice to the testimony of our lives to fly off the handle and react emotionally, just because I feel like it.<br /><br />***sigh*** This really has nothing to do with Olivia but when I feel like this I think the devil is playing on my insecurities, "it would all be better, if only.....your baby didn't die...." IF she didn't die we would...[fill in the blank]...we would not _________. I cannot even fill in the blanks because having her here would not change most circumstances, in reality I know I react better because of her, but it always comes full circle to this in my mind.<br /><br />Tonight I am laying my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and not allowing those terrible thoughts, doubts and insecurities to affect myself or my family. I'm letting it go, knowing that I will feel tons better about it in the morning!!CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-36642119035264981712012-05-01T19:03:00.003-07:002012-05-01T19:37:25.406-07:00PTSD?It has been awhile since I have posted on here and I honestly have not even felt like it. I am so glad winter is over, I would get the winter blues before Olivia but after her....whoa!!! The darkness settles back in and while I try to fight it, it usually overpowers me no matter how happy I am. Thank God for spring and sunshine to renew myself or I might lose my mind!<br /><br />I wanted to give an update on something I had struggled with from the time I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Claire until she was about 6 months old. If this is new news to you and you are close to me, it's because I chose to keep it inside for far too long. Even my husband was unaware of this until mid-Janurary (5 months after it began). Although I never had it officially diagnosed, I was suffering from what I believe was a form of PTSD. It started during the L&D of Claire. The labor itself was not bad but when it came time to push I panicked, big time! The last time that I pushed out a baby, I had watched Olivia's lifeless body, waiting for the doctor to tell me if she was alive or dead and it all came flooding back at that very moment. It did not help that my doctor was not at all supportive. I had the same doctor deliver the first 3 girls but this one was new and she was in a pissy mood and not at all afraid to show it in the delivery room.<br /><br />Obviously I made it through the delivery and I was fine the rest of the time I was in the hospital. Not long after going home I began to have very vivid flashes of Olivia's delivery several times a day. It would come flooding in at any given time with no known trigger. <br /> <br />I would also see Claire as Olivia was while she was still with us. I knew that it was a different baby but the bottom half of their faces are identical. Olivia's tongue was also swollen and filled up her mouth, it just happens that it was the exact same way Claire would hold her mouth while sleeping. When I would walk into a room and she was sleeping I would flash right back to Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love to think about my daughter but these were so far out of my control. I love to remember holding her while she was still alive and taking a nap with her in my arms after she had passed. Painfully, I can only recall one memory of me kissing my sweet Olivia although Greg said I did alot.<br /><br />I hesitate to use the term PTSD for several reasons. I never told my doctor, I was too embarrassed and there is no diagnosis. I only viewed it as something soldiers had when returning from war and I never felt violent or suicidal because of it, just torn apart. Once I finally told Greg it was as if the stronghold was let go. I shared this with a few others but I never was too vocal or open about it because I felt like I was crazy because of it. <br /><br />Around the time Claire turned 6 months the flashes stopped. I was finally healing enough from my pelvic pain to walk and was capable of starting some exercises again. I also would push those visions out and force the wonderful ones that I did have with her. It was not easy, the traumatic moments are just as real as the wonderful ones, it is all part of the beauty of choosing to carry a baby with a fatal diagnosis.<br /><br />Looking back, I wish I would have sought out counseling rather than be tortured so long but I am glad that is over. I still miss her every single day, that will never go away but the joy her brief life has brought us will also remain with us always!CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-35628076677468883222012-03-16T14:54:00.001-07:002012-03-16T14:54:38.750-07:00Birth CertificateOne of the last things I needed to do was pick up Olivia's birth certificate from the Circuit Clerks office. I was dreading this, and I mean <em>DREADING</em>! Only because I had heard of other BLM's getting the birth certificate with DECEASED stamped across it and lets face it, no mother wants to see that. I do not know if it varies by state, another BLM from Illinois said that her son's certificate did not have "deceased" on it but I worried about it anyway. <br /><br />I had been in that office to get Hannah and Makayla's certificates for school and avoided getting Olivia's. I had to go in to pick up Claire's and decided to get Olivia's also. To my surprise and absolute <em><strong>joy</strong></em>, this was not printed or stamped across it! I was so happy I could have cried. It is just like our other girls' birth records and I will be putting it with theirs rather than with Olivia's stuff. For a short time, she was one of "us" and always be one of "the girls" :)<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaJowE7keXQZdFPVoGP9L4MEEeve3mfiiLo563JKrVchUnt21uxyEIl9toSFd5rFhhqJtUn6aCao-btA6IEpNGVoDBnedRrJ1EJW1madEWm6IB75Et34v6IUSIASYw8gs7i93smizYcln4/s1600/birth+cert.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaJowE7keXQZdFPVoGP9L4MEEeve3mfiiLo563JKrVchUnt21uxyEIl9toSFd5rFhhqJtUn6aCao-btA6IEpNGVoDBnedRrJ1EJW1madEWm6IB75Et34v6IUSIASYw8gs7i93smizYcln4/s320/birth+cert.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5720615391378308514" /></a><br />So now I have it, ready to be put away when I am tired of looking at it (and smiling). CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH, just another glimpse of her life with us. Almost 2 years after she was born I finally have it but I did not have a copy of Makayla's until she was 5....I'm ahead of my own timeframe :)CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-31264386704502743542012-02-16T20:37:00.000-08:002012-02-16T20:47:28.204-08:00BrokenI heard this song for the first time a few months ago, I'm surprised I had not heard it sooner. Maybe I did though and never really paid attention, either way, it's amazing and I think most people can relate to this at some point. You will have to pause the player on the sidebar to keep 2 songs from playing at once.<br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/axPlLqLmSUw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-9845726516264486912012-02-12T20:45:00.000-08:002012-02-12T20:57:52.689-08:00Makayla's SentencesI was going through Makayla's folder before heading to bed and almost missed her sentences on the back of her school papers. The kindergarten has been working on sentences so they practice on the back of their worksheets when they finish. It was so sweet and sad at the same time......<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQAGT5GJWZ182hA6i4eTSSnwTZxQ71Tw5e3U749Trh0bCLa_d_BQGT5ay_rCXJeRRM1lDhoKh5JyfPzi-hvHQygCICmRApRQgm9o78YnXAx46JM7Vn5-msD7FyKsD19disN7Ql06bc1mL2/s1600/makaylas+sentences.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQAGT5GJWZ182hA6i4eTSSnwTZxQ71Tw5e3U749Trh0bCLa_d_BQGT5ay_rCXJeRRM1lDhoKh5JyfPzi-hvHQygCICmRApRQgm9o78YnXAx46JM7Vn5-msD7FyKsD19disN7Ql06bc1mL2/s320/makaylas+sentences.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708478152462084978" /></a><br />"<em>My sistr is four. My next sistr is one. My last sistr is zero</em>."<br /><br />I have never talked to the teacher about Olivia but she has clearly seen me with just 2 other kids during pickup. I just wonder how much Makayla has told her, I'm sure she has probably heard it all.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-24447809734223835192012-01-24T22:27:00.000-08:002012-01-24T23:07:26.833-08:00When will you get over it?I was speaking with a friend today about how much of last year I kept my grieving private even though I was struggling so much inside. Of course I let it all out on my blog but in life I just kept it tucked beneath the surface. It was also brought up that some people may expect me to be "over it" by now because they do not understand how I would be so attached to a baby that I never really got a chance to know. Does a mother really need to have a baby for any certain amount of time to <em>know</em> their child? I did not know that a mother's love should or even could be limited to the amount of time they have spent with their child.<br /><br />I am so grateful I was given the choice to carry my baby, to give her the chance to live her life to her fullest potential. I will never regret pouring all of my heart into her life, no matter how brief. There is no time limit on "getting over" holding my baby until she passed peacefully into the arms of Jesus. She was, is and always will be one of my daughters and that I will never let go of.<br /><br />This friend does not think this way (as far as I know!) but it was just general discussion. It made me think though, how could I possibly explain myself and my feelings? I have tried a thousand times on here, I could say it until the end of my life but unless someone has walked in this path, there are just NO words to begin to describe the depth of this experience.<br />I really don't know where I am going with all of this, I'm too tired to even bring the thoughts around and finish the blog! Goodnight!!!CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-60063523023125221102012-01-16T21:09:00.000-08:002012-01-16T21:43:13.136-08:00Missing my babyI find myself wishing again that my baby girl was here with me. What else is new I guess? But tonight it is so much stronger for no huge reason but so many little ones at the same time. <br />It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life but the longing for her to be one of us is always lingering. I don't know how many more times I can hear "3 girls?" or "still trying for that boy?" before I scream. These comments are not meant to be hurtful, and most people would never think twice but it stings each and everytime. ****SIGH**** <br />I just wish there was an end to this reality, one day I wake up and it never happened to me. I could wake up and get 4 little girls ready for the day, juggle 2 babies while making sure 2 big girls were making it to school, tumbling and cheer.<br /><br />I had a great visit with my great grandpa this weekend. He is now in a nursing home about 40 minutes away so he will get the best care for his needs. He knows me, Greg and the girls, it's the details and timeline he seems to have the most problems with. His wife, my great grandma, died a couple of years ago. They were blessed with over 60 years of marriage, that's a standard I want to live up to :) In that time together, they had 3 living children and lost 3 also. I sat next to him on his bed while he talked about one baby they lost. A little boy, he talked about how that baby was big and about ready to go and they do not know why he passed away. I asked if it was ever something is he able to get past and he just said "no, no it's not." My great grandpa is 88 years old, he has carried the loss of these babies for over 60 years and still talks about it as if he were in the moment that it all happened. <br /><br />Tonight I was reading the book "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heavven." Yes it was one of those nights, I needed the outlet and that book gets me everytime. The page that caught me and I reread many times was,<br />"Someday, Mommy, we will hold eachother tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair....and once again, our hearts will beat together." <br />As much as I crave to have all of that right now, all over again, I am so glad I had that...even for such a short time. I had her, here in my arms. I felt each and every kick. I heard her heartbeat and held back tears, taking it all in just knowing that she would not be mine forever. I held her in my arms and how perfect she felt. I even had a chance to stroke the little bit of hair, I did not expect her to have any but there was just enough at the base of her neck for me to remember. Just knowing how sweet those memories feel through all the ache and missing my little girl, how glorious it will be to have her in my arms once again. My earthly hopes and dreams are that she is small enough in heaven for me to hold and cradle her again. Until then, I will hold on to that little bit of time that she was all ours and how wonderful it felt.<br /><br /><em>"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" Revelation 21:4</em>CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-51851516219740709472011-12-10T22:44:00.000-08:002011-12-10T23:36:49.834-08:00Where were you?<strong><em>“Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and good-bye in the same day is worth all the sorrow.”</em></strong><br /><br />Where were you the day you were told your child would die? It sounds crazy but an unfortunate reality for many parents, some of which you might not even realize. If you have 3 or more children, imagine taking the 3rd child and completely erasing them from your family. The thought seems unimaginable. It sucks but we live with that every single day.<br /><br />Most people have a significant event or day that defines who they are or how they continue their lives. <a href="http://oliviaryansidwell.blogspot.com/2010/02/december-11-2009.html">December 11, 2009 </a>was that day for us, D-Day (diagnosis day) in the baby loss community. Two years ago today, Greg and I woke up carefree parents, anticipating an ultrasound. We were going to see our little baby and confirm what we already knew, there was a life growing inside of me. We walked out of the doctor office completely changed. That little life growing inside of me changed how I viewed the world, my life and those around me. Every decision, every event and every milestone from that day on, somehow relates back to the instant we found out that our sweet baby was given a zero percent chance of survival.<br /><br />There is nothing I would love more than to return to December 11, 2009 and change the outcome and view this as someone else's reality. I know I cannot do that. With that being said, I would walk this road all over again, just to have her as part of my life. Olivia's life is a constant reminder that this world is only temporary. Because of her I can look forward with anticipation, knowing the pain of this world is worth spending forever in His glory.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-52420471156221842492011-12-06T16:39:00.000-08:002011-12-06T16:41:55.854-08:00PoemI was on the anencephaly group and one mother posted a poem that she had written. I do not know her but Tammy Hajdo, thank you for sharing this!<br /><br />All I want for Christmas<br /><br />"What do you want for Christmas?"<br />you ask me with a smile.<br />You don't really want to know.<br />I can see you're in denial.<br /><br />"What do you want for Christmas?"<br />you ask me one more time.<br />There isn't anything I want.<br />Nothing will make me feel fine!<br /><br />"What do you want for Christmas?"<br />Do you really want to know?...<br />I want my daughter here.<br />I want to watch her play in the snow.<br /><br />"What do you want for Christmas?"<br />I can't believe you've asked again.<br />Ok. Hold onto your socks,<br />Here's my list. You want a pen?<br /><br />I want my daughter here<br />in my arms where she belongs.<br />I want to hear her laugh and giggle<br />while I sing her favorite song.<br /><br />I want to feel her arms hug me tight<br />while I kiss her sweet little head.<br />I want to smell her babyness, touch her hair,<br />and tuck her into bed.<br /><br />I want to watch her sleep, watch her grow,<br />and hold her tight.<br />I want to hear her call me mommy<br />in the middle of the night.<br /><br />I want to see my daughter's smile<br />and the twinkle in her eyes.<br />So you see there is nothing you could get me,<br />nothing that you could buy.<br /><br />Please don't continue asking<br />for my answer will never change.<br />All I want for Christmas<br />is what Santa cannot bring!<br /><br />written by Tammy Hajdo, mother to Jessica MarieCynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-48074695219956386852011-11-30T11:29:00.000-08:002011-11-30T11:48:22.790-08:00ThanksgivingI'm not sure what it is about Thanksgiving but the last two years I get very down and go to a very emotionally dark place right before. I have never really looked forward to the holiday. I enjoy getting together with family but it's just a holiday that never meant much to me.<br /><br />The buildup is always so much worse than the actual day. I don't know if I dread it because it's the change of seasons, for some reason that is always rough for me. Or because the diagnosis day is right after or that we are approaching another Christmas with one less daughter. It could be a combination of all of the above. <br /><br />I need to keep this short, Claire just woke up and is trying to pound the keyboard! Anyway, once Thanksgiving actually arrived, I truly enjoyed my day. I am so glad to be over that hump and look forward to Christmas. Although I am saddened when I think about what could have been, my heart is so filled up to have a baby during the Christmas season again!CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-37417940777749853292011-11-21T21:56:00.001-08:002011-11-21T22:18:11.615-08:00AchingOh what I wouldn't give to make this aching go away. I keep expecting time to take it away but it's still here. Sometimes more dull than others but this time of year brings it on so strong that my heart just hurts. Holidays and approaching D-day all over again, right in the middle of it all.<br />Holidays are so difficult, there is so much joy but my mind cannot help but imagine another little girl in the mix of it all. It is not a far stretch of my imagination. We had lived through 2 kids so close in age, Makayla and Hannah are just over 12 1/2 months apart. We were watching home videos of when the older 2 were young and I am reminded of what Claire is cheated out of, what we all are cheated out of. Each time I think of Claire dangling out there without her sister close in age, it crushes me. Yes, I believe all of my girls will be close as they grow up but the special bond the older 2 have will be different than their bond with her. <br />I see pictures of Makayla and Hannah together as a 1 and 2 year old and wonder why that wasn't enough for us. Why in the world would God give us the desire for another child only to have her die in our arms?? <br />We have a family picture of us I have yet to put up. I want to, and I think I will but with Claire in the picture I see a hole where Olivia should be too. I heard a comment a couple of weeks ago that we "waited awhile before trying again." I bit my tongue, if only this person knew the true waiting we went through. Waiting month after month to become pregnant the 3rd time. Waited to hear a heartbeat only to find out our baby would die the same day we heard and saw her perfect, strong heart. Waiting to meet our daughter while praying she would be born alive. Then after Olivia, waiting all over again to welcome our precious rainbow baby into our family. <br />Despite all of this aching, I have decided to find joy in the holidays this year and I do believe that is a decision we all have to consciously make. Last year was so difficult and I want to truly enjoy it this year, we have so much to be thankful for.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-1840423994395145312011-10-30T21:47:00.000-07:002011-10-30T22:25:25.714-07:00Is this your first?Is this your first? I had been asked this several times today, I want to say at least 4. I know that I have been different this time around but I do not think I realized how frantic I have become about my children. <br />Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too. <br />This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.<br />As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried} <br />After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God. <br />I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since. <br />This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.<br /><strong><em>"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control"</em></strong> 2 Timothy 1:7CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-5685052099560517012011-10-19T22:02:00.000-07:002011-10-19T22:22:57.450-07:00Balloon Release and Baby DustIt has been a long time since blogging on this blog, not that I have not tried. I have several posts that I started and one even finished but could not publish it. I don't know whether I am tired of sharing my grief or feel like others would be tired of hearing about it. The grief is not fun, some times I feel like it is so easy but then a huge wave comes rushing over me and in the end, I just want my baby here with us. <br />The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Originally we had planned to go to a big event in Minnesota but adding a new baby with poor planning does not make a big trip happen! Instead we planned a small balloon release at the cemetery which turned out very nice. There were several women that had been touched by miscarraige or infant death that were able to attend while others sent pictures of balloons they had released from other areas. We had gotten 10 balloons and they all ended up traveling together since the cards knotted up! <br /><br />I had entered a drawing for a free signed copy of the new book <a href="http://deannaroy.com/babydust/">Baby Dust by Deanna Roy.</a> Saturday afternoon I came home and it was in the mailbox. I was so excited to get it and opened it to read just a few pages. Before I knew it, I was over 100 pages into it! I had to put it up for awhile to feed my family but after the girls went to bed I jumped right back into it. Greg was watching the Cardinals so he did not mind and I finished the book that evening! Needless to say, I really enjoyed this book. There were so many parts where I was just thinking, "I have totally been there!" It touches on the lives of 5 women who have all been affected by the loss of a baby in some way. All of their situations were different but they were united through the grief of their babies. Thank you to <a href="http://honoringourangels.blogspot.com/">Honoring Our Angels Blog </a>for the wonderful gift :)CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-56119519734550772322011-06-07T05:27:00.000-07:002011-06-07T06:12:42.399-07:00Olivia's 1st BirthdayBetter late than never? Olivia's first birthday was May 12th and I have managed to completely skip blogging about her birthday. Blogger had been down when I first tried and my physically and emotionally demanding pregnancy has kept me away from blogging. Leading up to her birthday, the entire month before, I grieved like I had not grieved since losing her. I found myself crying and breaking down ALL the time, in the most uncomfortable of situations. Needless to say, I was nervous about her actual birthday and how difficult it would be. I had plans and ideas of how I had wanted the day to go and let them fall to the side because I honestly did not want to have to deal with it. In the end, I could not have been happier with how her birthday turned out.<br /><br />When May 12th rolled around I was again refilled by the peace that only God could provide. It was wonderful to just have a day for her where it was nothing was expected of us as parents to do anything except think of Olivia. There were sad moments and tears but mostly celebrating her life and how great our lives really have become since she was part of it. Except Greg taking the day off, it was a normal weekday routine with our special remembrances of Olivia worked in as part of our day, just like if she were here with us. We sent the girls to preschool in the morning without reminding them it was Olivia's birthday, I was worried for the teachers trying to diffuse an awkward situation with 20 preschoolers asking questions about death and heaven without warning. Greg and I were able to go to Effingham to get balloons for the balloon release and the ice cream cake without kids. It was a miracle that the balloons fit in our car! I seriously underestimated how big 25 helium balloons would be and was so glad the girls were not with us for that!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNkdygzqNAMwq6CNfmQsMGPKWV39HyMPm28vq6S5mayo4Y9AL1GycSGxRjaPzt94vWnK0uOSKZZsanOD90_1Jm3ZUay0LGIkHsVaoYbAkQN11V9flC4k1C3qJuMl51QBSrKbnUTLxnDRGg/s1600/002.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNkdygzqNAMwq6CNfmQsMGPKWV39HyMPm28vq6S5mayo4Y9AL1GycSGxRjaPzt94vWnK0uOSKZZsanOD90_1Jm3ZUay0LGIkHsVaoYbAkQN11V9flC4k1C3qJuMl51QBSrKbnUTLxnDRGg/s320/002.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615459998041617554" /></a><br /><br /><br />We had just enough time to get balloons and cake in the house and then right back to the school to pick up the girls. I love that life still continues, no matter how some moments I wish it wouldn't! At the school Makayla did not have her glasses on her face (that we had just had fixed the day before!), the details are still fuzzy but too many kids going down one slide = glasses bent up! Thankfully the lenses were still intact! We also had another accident report for Hannah, she fell off of something on the playground. This might sound insensitive but I am immune at this point, I'm sure she set a record for accident reports sent home!<br /><br />Once we got them in the car they were excited when we reminded them it was Olivia's birthday. I love that, to them she is their sister and they were ready to celebrate! We went to the cemetery after lunch for the balloon release. Hannah was too excited and let her balloons go early, she did get more though. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiVBxa__JLdzRHUlfar-QCnfXIJS5_4c5QgdOtBUsY6d_owOC_q2WygiYdKrdbrqHiI81aof0_7Bm2VYHK_O6Q2ruywbe35s3RMdgUhVA8DawvYAeQiHjNOtbn1rhrY-YpAsgJzh-a4uTf/s1600/009.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiVBxa__JLdzRHUlfar-QCnfXIJS5_4c5QgdOtBUsY6d_owOC_q2WygiYdKrdbrqHiI81aof0_7Bm2VYHK_O6Q2ruywbe35s3RMdgUhVA8DawvYAeQiHjNOtbn1rhrY-YpAsgJzh-a4uTf/s320/009.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615459519546444834" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbfz9hGIBpQZ2W6u7DotKmZVs8_I-K5i2axlswqVJ5Kza_UEWkbk0C3zxk7xSHCLbysQXoiiqrA-5h3jTifz8HZPYoOQzOytSbC3Br7QqcXZInM0vujvokuyXsmi_koEkjd4Tcxah8AQzo/s1600/013.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbfz9hGIBpQZ2W6u7DotKmZVs8_I-K5i2axlswqVJ5Kza_UEWkbk0C3zxk7xSHCLbysQXoiiqrA-5h3jTifz8HZPYoOQzOytSbC3Br7QqcXZInM0vujvokuyXsmi_koEkjd4Tcxah8AQzo/s320/013.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615460470561207282" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZKeYpvRZvjFEGFMx1Qu00qERYhoy9r8H6fDY6OJ-xRLUwWp11h2pmZydX21jdIyw0jxGkZ9dA_9d2fS0gDLjkNtmn9CmDB23GNXVjJc_cz687buijq-UEhrWnr6W9wnp-moMz_bN_K5Lx/s1600/015.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZKeYpvRZvjFEGFMx1Qu00qERYhoy9r8H6fDY6OJ-xRLUwWp11h2pmZydX21jdIyw0jxGkZ9dA_9d2fS0gDLjkNtmn9CmDB23GNXVjJc_cz687buijq-UEhrWnr6W9wnp-moMz_bN_K5Lx/s320/015.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615461205265740786" /></a><br /><br />After the balloon release the girls went to dance class, where Hannah and another girl bumped heads resulting in a big swollen black eye for the other girl....did I mention that life still happened this day?? We went back to town in the evening and ate dinner out with just the 4 of us. There is a local restaurant that sends out coupons for birthdays and since May is our month, we had a coupon from Makayla's birthday. The waitress asked Makayla if she was the birthday girl and both Makayla and looked at us cautiously. Makayla told her "I'm not the birthday girl." I quickly diverted that and reminded Makayla that it WAS her birthday last week and the waitress was gone. After dinner we came home ate the icecream cake. The girls sang a sweet version of Happy Birthday to Olivia that they made up on their own. <br /><br />Throughout the day we had received many messages, some cards and gifts that were so appreciated! It was nice to know that we were not remembering Olivia alone. My friend Yolanda brought by a copy of "Heaven is For Real." I also received an Olivia pendent from another baby loss mom, Kara. I plan to make it into a keychain but for now it's in my kitchen window so I see it everytime I do dishes (which is 2-3 times a day!).<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5QQmWyh6BUnw2K-fDzhXClqEy3AHQioMXsTu2niHwxnKt9RXXz8-BOjALyukLPC-VMDxK-BoTDZtzipEF_RSrBbapYD6cSyC_dGrXtFbmmzdRqg7OvpG83cBXcQ_pMKHZuhdQLwG1h5Mo/s1600/olivia+pendent.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5QQmWyh6BUnw2K-fDzhXClqEy3AHQioMXsTu2niHwxnKt9RXXz8-BOjALyukLPC-VMDxK-BoTDZtzipEF_RSrBbapYD6cSyC_dGrXtFbmmzdRqg7OvpG83cBXcQ_pMKHZuhdQLwG1h5Mo/s320/olivia+pendent.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615463599825008146" /></a><br /><br />Holly sent me a picture of Olivia's name. <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6glAE66OI-OGEBAfWAkJSUJu-4a-0S54tXSjeimInscDjqvOJsXSI1_YcnlUZfZoyomASEZN5CyU2K121KSobA6iQYH9rZEz9A-THNW_gBW2h7PDLnfG3_I8S2fCFUe4_RdT7xLRe8Yt9/s1600/Olivia%252C+chalk+name.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 174px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6glAE66OI-OGEBAfWAkJSUJu-4a-0S54tXSjeimInscDjqvOJsXSI1_YcnlUZfZoyomASEZN5CyU2K121KSobA6iQYH9rZEz9A-THNW_gBW2h7PDLnfG3_I8S2fCFUe4_RdT7xLRe8Yt9/s320/Olivia%252C+chalk+name.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615464261334093730" /></a>CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-55838637108952852642011-05-11T07:28:00.001-07:002011-05-11T07:49:19.606-07:00Mothers Day and First BirthdayI had no idea that Mother's Day would have become so difficult. It was a day that I found myself juggling the feelings of how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful healthy daughters and the pain of missing Olivia. I have found a way, in my daily life, to balance these feelings. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Olivia, she is just part of Greg and me but when I think of her it is not always sad or full of grief. The pain of losing her is so magnified on the special days like Christmas and Mother's Day. <br /><br />It was difficult to even get out of the house on Sunday but I did it. I am so thankful for Makayla and Hannah, their joy for everything is what helped me survive Mother's Day. They were just excited to celebrate something. We went to church and met my grandma and Greg's parents for lunch. I found myself fighting back tears every time someone told me Happy Mother's Day (unless it was coming from Makayla and Hannah). Of course I did not share that with anyone, it's awkward and I really did not want to hear "At least you still have 2 healthy children." Yes, I have heard it and while I love them and so grateful I have been given the opportunity to raise them, we have had 3 children, not 2. It is not easier that I knew she was going to die or that she lived an hour instead of years, it still hurts. <br /><br />I hope Mother's Day gets easier in the coming years. I'm sure since it was the first one without Olivia it was so much more difficult and her 1st birthday is the same week. Tomorrow is her birthday and I hope the day is peaceful for us. Greg is taking the day off and we are still not sure what we will be doing. I have ordered some balloons for a balloon release at the cemetery and will probably get an icecream cake because I am addicted to them. I would really love to just go somewhere with the girls and get away so we will see what we can do, weather permitting!CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-15188326142419027692011-04-26T06:03:00.000-07:002011-04-26T06:57:16.864-07:00Tired of GrievingAs we approach Olivia's first birthday I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I am just tired of grieving. It is something I have no control over. It does not consume my every moment but I know this will never go away. <br /><br />Our little family is full of joy and happiness. We have continued with our lives, continued to move forward and LIVE while keeping Olivia's memory alive but I just wish it wasn't this way. We shouldn't be a "little family," we are having a fourth daughter, not a third! I refuse to leave her out when asked the number of children we have, something I was not always comfortable with. BUT I am tired of this. I do not want to have to skim over Olivia's age ("would have been 1 in May") and quickly change the subject as if it is just a trivial detail in our family's history. I do not want to get in a conversation every time I mention her to someone new about why she is not here with us. I just want her here. <br /> <br />I know I should be celebrating the time we did have with her, rather than focusing on how much we are missing out on. She had 34 weeks of life inside of me and 58 minutes on this earth! What a celebration, her life could have easily ended at 13 weeks based on the advice of a specialist. She could have passed at anytime before I went into labor or even not survived the trauma of her delivery but we were given so much more! She was the most active baby I have ever had, she continued to move throughout the entire labor, almost letting me know she was still here. I know that every life has a purpose but what purpose does it serve to be born to die so soon? And if there is a purpose for all of this, why was our daughter the one who had to be sacrificed for that purpose? Someday I will know, until then, I will hold on to that 58 minutes and know that her life mattered. <br /><br />I just want so badly to be planning a one year old's birthday party rather than something to remember her on May 12th. I want to pick out a fun birthday cake and watch her eat it, not try to decide if we should have a cake for us and the girls. I want to pick out an outfit and special toy, not try to bring myself to work on the design for her headstone. <br /><br />The grief always has a way of representing itself when least expected. I look at pictures of us as a family since last May and know there is one more and she is not here. Strangers will tell us that our girls are cute or we have a great family and I just want to scream "There is one more! This is not our whole family!" <br /><br />I'm just so tired of it all, I do not want to be part of this family, the baby loss community. I love the women I have met through this pain, I am glad we have the internet to connect. I am glad we do not have to grieve alone or silently. <br /><br />With all of that being said, I still believe I would do it all again. This is a whole different subject and post but as much as I HATE that this happened to our family, I know that the blessings from this will far outweigh the pain. I know that even if I do not understand these sufferings in this lifetime, God has a plan and a purpose and it is so much greater than I will ever comprehend.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-73471889572132474042011-04-12T13:52:00.001-07:002011-04-12T14:36:21.615-07:0011 months, Prayer request!<em> Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12</em><br /><br />Today is 11 months since we were blessed to hold our little girl. How I wish she were right here with me and I was blogging about how close she was to walking or already doing so. Makayla walked at 10.5 months and Hannah at 11 months so I have a feeling Olivia would be keeping up with them by now. <br /><br />Even as I sit here trying to blog about Olivia, my heart is so heavy for other mothers and their journeys. Another mother, <a href="http://www.oliviakathleenfreeman.blogspot.com/">Daphne, is celebrating her twins Harper and Olivia's</a> 1st birthday. Harper is here on earth, a continuous joy to her family while her Olivia, who also had anencephaly ,is celebrating her birthday in heaven. <br /><br />There is another mother though, Allison, that just found out that her daughter has anencephaly today. I can hardly even type this part through tears because this is not the first time she is experiencing this. Her daughter, VeraAnn, was also diagnosed with anencephaly and was born in November, 2009. She and her husband have 2 healthy daughters so why this is happening for a second time, God only knows. Although I have not gotten to know Allison well, it still breaks my heart as if she was a sister that I was raised with. There is a bond between mothers in the baby loss community and our hearts ache for eachother as much as they rejoice over good news. Some people are already commenting "sorry for your loss." For now, as far as I know, her daughter is still growing inside of her. She is not lost, her life is still as valuable as any other, no matter how short it will be. I cannot imagine how difficult the next weeks and months are going to be for this family, preparing to bury a baby once again.<br /><br />There is so much fear in a pregnancy after you lose one child. People that have not experienced it try to reassure you that it won't happen again, but it does happen again. I am trying so hard to not sit here and question God, I want to know WHY??? Why does this have to happen even once and after it does, why would the same family have to go through it all over again? I know his plan is greater than I could ever imagine and I will never understand "why" these things happen until I leave this imperfect world. Please pray that this family will be surrounded by God's love, comfort, strength and peace as they try to navigate this pregnancy.<br /><br /><iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/e8HgAVenbUU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148130673816009109.post-91247633841712765412011-04-07T22:01:00.000-07:002011-04-07T22:17:32.675-07:00Remembering Together Bouquet SwapI just stumbled across this page through <a href="http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com/">Holly's Caring for Carleigh </a>page tonight and I am very excited to participate in it.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi8A8MJW0iAiu_Pq1R3oYwtodIaygIPyG0y0Ntqv8AyRfkKgJvCF8ovzdN_LKtt1B34FWFE75kemPVReAz2KI9EW2adNMKJYiM3HFbd0fgMC-gHgldmYRnH3uQ8-VH1hvkCPwVabcdiCs1/s1600/remembering+together%255D.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi8A8MJW0iAiu_Pq1R3oYwtodIaygIPyG0y0Ntqv8AyRfkKgJvCF8ovzdN_LKtt1B34FWFE75kemPVReAz2KI9EW2adNMKJYiM3HFbd0fgMC-gHgldmYRnH3uQ8-VH1hvkCPwVabcdiCs1/s320/remembering+together%255D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5593077329415737058" /></a><br /><br /><br />The <a href="http://rememberingtogetherswap.blogspot.com/">Remembering Together Bouquet Swap </a>is for baby loss mothers to swap a floral inspired craft with eachother for Mother's Day. Check out the blog, there is plenty of info there. I am not the craftiest person but I love this idea and cannot wait for the name to be sent to me! The deadline to sign up is April 10th. If you cannot access the link, there is a facebook page that you can "like" and start there. <br /><br />When I first saw this I messaged about 15 other mothers, then decided it would be easier to post this way.CynthiaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03759483767142416783noreply@blogger.com2