Monday, June 7, 2010

Nearing one month.....

This week has many milestones that will cause emotional ups and downs. Wednesday will be 4 weeks since Olivia has passed, I have tried to not count the weeks but find myself thinking about it anyway. Saturday, the 12th, will be one month. It is so difficult, there are already so many signs of people around me that expect me to move on. I do not blame them, it's only natural for the rest of the world to move on. Nobody else carried her for 8 months, Greg was the one I made feel my belly that moved nonstop, she is OUR daughter and we are still mourning. I could be partly to blame on this since I am a do'er and since I do not have a newborn to keep me busy, I have figured out how to fill much of my time. Although nobody has openly said so and most people do seem fine when I bring up Olivia, I just want to wear a sign around that says "I just had a baby!" Most mothers that carry a baby, have their baby at home with them, they can go out to eat or to the store with them. I feel like I have to always appear up, especially to strangers, to avoid looking like a rude, grouchy person. When you have a healthy baby, there are no expectations on you. People expect you to be tired with no energy. It's easy to smile when you are tired and people are gushing over your new bundle of joy. What about me? I too am recovering from childbirth, I am also grieving and mourning the loss of my child!

Friday is our anniversary, Greg and I have been married for 5 years! We were married in June of 2005, pregnant with Makayla the next month (or two, I'm bad with keeping track but pretty sure it was late July). We had Makayla May of 2006, celebrated our 1 year anniversary in June. Then found out I was pregnant with Hannah just 3 months later. We were on track to have a baby every year that we were married. I sometimes find myself wondering why we did not keep going, but then remember when the doctor was cleaning me up after having Hannah I asked him if he performed vasectomies. Hmmmm, that be why we took a break from our baby marathon. I loved having my body back, it was so nice to fit into clothes again. I did not have my hormone rollercoater, I was able to go back to work, life was great. Then the magical month of May happened again last year. Hannah was turning 2 and we both had baby fever. Fast forward to May 12th and we have another baby girl to celebrate. May just seems to be our month, we wanted to get married in May but all of the reception halls were already booked (a year and a half in advance!).

We just started a class based from the book "The Faith of a Child" yesterday at church. The class was an answer to my prayers, I was not sure how to talk to my children about becoming a Christian. I know what I know, I know what I believe. Sometimes I can write it out but talking opening about it can be another issue. I truly feel the girls have learned from me but I am more concerned about continuing this as they get older. So, we found a great class to help us along the way. In the introduction, Psalm 127:3-5 is highlighted. We are told that our children are a reward from God. The feeling did not last long but I immediately thought, "then what did I do wrong, my child was taken from me?" I have to remember that we still had Olivia, we were blessed with her life. Because of her, I have changed. In the beginning I did not like it, I am not as carefree as I was before December. The changes are not bad though, at all. I look at my life as a gift, my daughter was not given a long life, but I have one. Because of her, I have chosen to set my life standards higher. As long as I live my life with dignity and respect for God and myself, then Olivia's short life is not trivial. Her life mattered, whether it was for one hour or if it would have been 100 years, she has made a mark on our family.

******This post feels random to me. We had such a great day together as a family but yesterday was just so crappy and I have the feelings/thoughts lingering. Please overlook the jumping around, I thought about editing it but my dear husband of soon to be 5 years, has been wanting me to come to bed for 20 minutes!!!********


  1. Everything you are feeling is normal. It is alright to count the weeks it is part of grieving. It is alright to grieve. Those that expect you to be "over" your grieving have no clue. I totally understand the part about wanting to wear a sign letting everyone know you had a baby. Happy anniversary to you and your husband. Happy four weeks to little miss Olivia. Many prayers and big hugs!

  2. HUGS! I know exactly what you aren't rambling. Somedays I feel like this has to be a bad dream, how was I just pregnant a month ago and now I'm not and my baby isn't here either. I count the weeks too. It is so weird to be doing normal things again. It bothers me so bad that most people don't even know I am a mother.

    I hope that you and your husband have a happy deserve it!