I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my family. For me, I claim that it started on Saturday. Greg and I woke up about the same time, which never happens. Usually he is out the door as my eyes are opening but since going to bed earlier, I can actually wake up in the morning! We had a dog between our heads, Hannah laying across our feet and Makayla in the middle of all of us. Normally, I am irritated to wake up to so many people in my bed but they snuck in so quietly and slept in! Greg and I had the opportunity to lay in bed and just talk. I cannot tell you what it was about, but it was nice :) Throughout my entire Saturday, the girls were just good. We had a few toddler tiffs but they were just good this weekend. We ended the day with a breakfast style dinner with my grandma. It was just a good day! Sunday was great as well with my family but not as good as MY Mother's Day, haha.
My body is retaliating again though. I will be 34 weeks this week. I have had the most amazing last 2 weeks with pain until Saturday afternoon. The pain I have felt has been the normal pregnancy complaints but now my body is just worn out. I have pain that puts me in tears and leaks that I won't even mention (gross I know). I do not know why this is happening. After a long weekend of it, I called my doctor and went in for my scheduled appointment a day early. I have a wonderful doctor, he has checked everything he could think of and still, everything is normal. I do not understand but keep praying to God to take care of me.
Honestly, I am scared to death. I HATE calling for help, even from my own physician. I know I should not care but I feel like I am wasting so much time, my own included when nothing is wrong. I am the kind of person who likes to be in control of my own life. I feel like I have learned to give up a lot of control with this pregnancy but maybe the lesson has not been learned as I continue to have more unexplained issues that I have to place in God's hands.
Church on Sunday was nice, I was late as usual. (I really wish I could figure this problem out!) The first thing my great grandpa told me after we found out that Olivia has anencephaly was part of the verse Romans 8:28. All things work together for good for God's people. I have tried to think on this verse when I do not know what good can come out of this. I have to believe there is a greater reason for our family to suffer through this or I would have probably lost my mind by now. The sermon yesterday brought this verse up again. It's one that is reoccurring through this pregnancy and will probably be prominent for the rest of my life. When I heard it yesterday though, it made me bitter. How can this be good? How can it be part of the bigger picture? I will probably never understand and if I do it will probably take years to come to terms with it.
Please continue to pray for our family. Please pray for strength for me, both physical and emotional. Some days I think enough is enough but I am cautious when saying that I cannot take too much more, I would hate to find out the hard way that I can.
************Update: I do have an infection, getting antibiotics tonight! I just got a call from the doctor. I am just excited that maybe this will take care of this extra discomfort!***********
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The only "good" that I see in all of this is what you do and continue to do for those of us who hurt and know what you are going through, too. As hard as it is, if I can help one person through this very difficult journey, then I am a better person for having gone through it. You and I can do something for other people dealing with this very painful loss, even though I, for one, HATE being in this "club" that we now belong to. Even if it isn't anencephaly, we will always know what it is like to know the devastation and heartbreak of losing our child.
ReplyDeletePlease continue with that positive attitude that continues to make me smile every time I read a quick little post on FB. Thank you for always listening to me and for asking about how I'm doing. Perhaps this will help you deal a little bit as you and I both know that we will NEVER have an answer to WHY this happened and why it happened to us.
As always, prayers, prayers, prayers.
xo
Janette
I see the good mentioned above by Janette and another good I feel is Olivia. Of course I know you do too, I was in no way implying that you didn't. I know the pain this causes so I know where you are coming from, maybe not exactly of course, but somewhat. And this in no way is meant to be preachy (trust me I would not do that) its just my point of view and nothing else. I could say that this is "bad" but that would be saying Lilly being here was "bad" and I just can't bring my self to correlate the two. Missing her sucks and hurts of course beyond a doubt. But at the same time wishing this pain away would be wishing her gone and if the pain means she was real then I will take it. I still have hope and pray that Olivia may be with you longer than anticipated or that you will get the miracle that many of us were not granted. I pray everyday for one of our babies to prove these doctors wrong and amaze them. I pray for you and think of you and tell your story to anyone who will listen. They are praying for you as well. I think you and I have a lot in common. I never called my dr's office to "bug" them with complaints, but when I was pregnant with Lilly I called about 4 times total. I think that was part of Lilly's purpose to help me let go more. Let people in and let people help. Its still hard to ask for help. I felt silly but I had to go to the dr. for undisclosed reasons and if I hadn't gone then the infection I ended up having would not have went away with over the counter meds. I think you are an amazing woman and I am grateful to have met you even under unfortunate circumstances. I wish there was something I could do or say. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life and especially part of your journey with Olivia.
ReplyDeletelove and prayers
elena
There is not much I can add to what these other women have said. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for your family and thinking about you. I understand the physical pain also. I had a good amount of that with Eli because of the absence of fluid. I pray that the meds do the trick and relieve the pain. Glad your weekend went as it did. Hugs!
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