Friday, May 21, 2010

Week of Firsts

This week has been a very busy week and I had a few firsts to experience. My first first I am very happy to have accomplished. For the first time I have sent out thank you cards! I was an awful bride and first time mommy with no wedding thank you's or thanks for the baby shower gift. I will go ahead and say that I was so thankful for all of our wonderful gifts during these life changing celebrations, I just let life get ahead of me and I never sent them out! So, in honor of Olivia, I am proud to say that I have sent out most of my thank you cards and if I missed anyone, I have REALLY tried this time and I am sorry! ( I should say "we" since Greg did help out )

My second first was going to the cemetery on Wednesday for the first time. We were going to take the girls but decided since I had not been there, Greg and I would go alone. We walked there together and it was a peaceful visit. I have been struggling with the idea that my baby was in the ground right down the road since her burial. And not just a little struggling, haunting my sleep struggling. I know deep down that it is just her body there. She is no longer in that body but all I could think of is her in a tiny little casket covered in rain and mud waiting for us to get her out. I asked Greg after the first night if we could have her pulled out and cremated so that I wouldn't have to go through this forever, he convinced me that it would not be a good idea so I decided against calling the funeral home the next morning. I am so thankful that we did go on Wednesday, since the visit I no longer think of her being stuck in the ground. I can go to the cemetery and remember her and the time we had with her, and decorate with the pinkest flowers that I can find! :)

Makayla is already asking when we will have our "baby baby." She knew that we could not bring Olivia home and she has been patiently waiting. I keep telling her that we might not ever have another baby but she is so persistent anyway. I hope she either gains an understanding if we do not ever try again or it will not matter to her so much.

Overall this week has not been horrible. I miss Olivia everyday, I have cried everyday but the grief is not consuming me. I know that it is possible that it will happen, maybe even when I wake up in the morning. Right now I am focusing on trying to get Makayla and Hannah back into a routine, their lives were also completely turned upside down with this and they do not understand why.


  1. I'm glad you went and visited the cemetery. I didn't like the idea at first of her being out there alone and such but I don't mind any more. She no longer has the dirt but grass on top of her grave so it's nice to just lay on it when it's warm outside.

    Good job on getting the thank yous out. I did that not long after b/c I wanted to get it done and out of the way.

  2. Thinking of you! I had the same anxiety about Eli being in the ground. There were times when I literally could not stand it. I did not want him to be cold. Glad you got to go to the cemetary. God bless. Praying.

  3. Like Holly, Jennifer, and you I did not like the thought of Lilly being out there alone either, especially at night. Good job at your thank you's.
    Awesome on getting your thank you cards out. I am horrible at that as well, and still have not officially sent them out. I have thanked everyone just not officially with a thank you card. I plan on doing that very soon.

    BTW, I LOVE the new blog look. Beautiful!

    love and prayers