Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Having a bad day!

The song "Had a bad day" keeps playing through my head, I'm not even sure if that's the right title. The song I'm thinking of is the one that played every time someone was voted off American Idol one year. Whatever the song is, it's the theme for my day.

I woke up, feeling pretty gross so had a shower right away. That was not bad, it woke me up more. We got Makayla on the bus, once again, not bad. Then I received a phone call from doctors office. The fasting blood glucose test that I had done yesterday came back, not good, now I have to go next week and sit for a 3 hour one. I have always had the "perfect" pregnancies, now this one seems to go from bad to worse.

I guess I should fill in the doctor appointment from yesterday. I am measuring bigger than I should so we have an ultrasound scheduled for Saturday morning. One of the risks of carrying a baby with anencephaly is extra fluid building up, polyhydramnios. A risk associated with this is preterm labor or water breaking due to the excess build up. SOOOO, I am not crazy when I say I feel huge since I am bigger than I should be at this point of my pregnancy! :) Had to include that.

Yes, I am throwing my "it's not fair" tantrum right now. I really do understand that life is not fair, I get that. I really wish I could move somewhere right now where people just do not get pregnant. After some thought though, I do not think a nursing home is a proper fit for our family. I will get through this, even if at times it does not feel like it but I will not feel bad for my feelings at this point.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Long, nice weekend

This last weekend was long and nice! Friday I went to Wisconsin with a group of Lia Sophia ladies for a training being held on Saturday. I took it easy all week, knowing how bad I needed to get away for a day. I did not exercise or do anything too strenuous just to make sure I would not have contractions that would force me to back out. And we made it! Friday came and I was on my way. Thankfully, I did not have any contractions during the trip. Sitting so long was not the most comfortable and I did not realize how much I love my bed until sleeping somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, the hotel bed was just fine and nothing is overly comfy when a belly is hanging down to the bed.

One thing that was noticed was that Wisconsin is not "smoke-free." I never realized how wonderful it was for Illinois to ban smoking in public places and outside of doors until going to another state. But I survived!

My stomach is definitely showing now, as I mentioned in the last post. I only had one person ask about the pregnancy. I am so happy that this happened earlier in the week. It was not a shock to my system this time around and I did not have to explain that Olivia has anencephaly or feel the need to run away crying. I just answered my due date, that we are having our third girl and that is all that was said. I did joke with my friend Melissa on the way up that if someone during a stop along the way asked about the pregnancy that I would just tell them I was not pregnant and walk away. Unfortunately, for us (not the innocent bystander) we were unable to have fun with this since I was not asked outside of the training!

I do think the long trip took a toll on my body though. I had to have Greg take me home during church thanks to the severe discomfort from sitting too long and forget standing in one place during music! I had to leave Greg by himself tonight with the kids games at AWANAS, I hope that doesn't have to happen again, we make too good of a team! My body did need the rest though, I usually do not let my body rule my day but I think I made the best choice. The discomfort is gone for the most part and hopefully going to bed early tonight will allow my body to recuperate the rest of the way.

On a really happy note, we got a new dog today! He is a 5 month old shihpoo and small and cute. He is still not acclimated to our boisterous children but I'm sure that will come with time (or he will have a heart attack first!).

We have a doctor appointment Tuesday so will probably update then.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I am officially pregnant

Tonight Greg and I went out to dinner and roaming around Effingham for a couple of hours without the girls. While I love them dearly, it has been a long winter! This is the first winter I have been officially a stay at home mom and the togetherness was beginning to weigh me down! Thankfully I have a wonderful mother in law that was more than happy to spend quality time with Makayla and Hannah. We were only gone for about 2 1/2 hours but it was definitely re-energizing.

After dinner Greg and I went to K-Mart. After waiting an extended period of time in the checkout while another poor customer had to have items price checked, we finally were able to purchase our items. One of the cashiers, who had an obviously difficult evening, looked at me cheerfully and asked when I was due. This threw me off a little bit since it is the first person that does not know me that has openly acknowledged that I am pregnant. I just told her June without dropping the baby bomb on her. She told us how exciting this is and asked if it was our first. We told her no, it is our third. She just said, "that is so exciting" and went back to her register. Instead of completely breaking down, which would have been easy to do, I pulled my inner God given strength and acted as if everything was normal.

On the way back to home I almost completely broke down. I told Greg that I could probably cry my eyes out but I just do not feel like it. We talked about how much I am really going to have to start answering questions from strangers, this is not going to get better, only worse as I continue to grow. I wish I could stay in my bubble. There are many people who know what is going on, that allow me to talk about being pregnant and all the pains that come with it (i.e. HEARTBURN! and feeling fat!!!) I can handle talking about Olivia with people I know, it's strangers that I have to fight back tears with. Greg told me he is glad I have not stayed in a bubble and continue to live my life. I am too but I also acknowledge how easy it would be to hide myself.

I have been feeling the pain for quite some time of the "joys" of pregnancy. With Makayla and Hannah I knew it was worth it in the end but now I'm not feeling the same sentiments. I do however enjoy the kicks and movements so much more this time around. I take the time to stop and feel the movements and have been known to interrupt conversations to announce them (I apologize in advance if I do this to you!). I wish this pregnancy really could be as exciting as the innocent cashier thought it was. I wish I could announce from the rooftops that we are having another little girl and cannot wait for Makayla and Hannah to be big sisters. Instead I know that the larger I get, the further along I get, the closer I get to my daughter dying. I hope and pray that I get time with her alive. I pray that she will live an hour or 2 hours. I also pray for the miracle that she will be able to live for a few days. How wonderful it would be to get to hold, feed and bathe her. I know that I cannot keep her but just to have a few days to be her mommy would make all of this worth it.

I would not wish this never ending roller coaster on anyone but would give anything to take this pain from my life.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Nice surprise today!

I was sent a message earlier in the week from a friend, Malissa, that said she wanted me to stop by because she had something for me. I had no idea what it could be and when I asked, because I am a huge surprise spoiler, she told me she really did not want to tell me. I was lucky to catch up with her today since she is in the middle of moving (with an army of kids!)

When I got to her apartment, she had a wonderful pink blanket with "Olivia" stitched on it. Under the name Olivia is a picture of a little angel girl, sitting on a cloud and praying. It is absolutely perfect!

This was such a nice, unexpected gift. I have not been able to bring myself to buy anything yet and I really think it will help me to get the things I want to have for her. Thank you Malissa, that was so thoughtful and appreciated!

Monday, March 15, 2010

26 weeks-long!

On Wednesday I will be 26 weeks so I well past the halfway point for this pregnancy. Today I sitting here trying to put into words what I am feeling to try to release some of the heaviness weighing down my heart.

In some ways, I never want this pregnancy to end since it will be an end to my daughters life. Other ways, I am ready to move past this and see what the future holds. I know that Olivia will always be a part of me that I do not just move past but I want to get past the waiting. Waiting daily to see if I will go into labor; or if she will just quit moving, we go to the doctor and find out that she is already gone. Living everyday with so much uncertainty is very unnerving for a person as anal as I am. I like living life by schedules and to do lists and I cannot do that right now and it is hard to give up control.

I have to take down the crib from the "play room." Hannah quit using her room this summer when she moved into Makayla's room. By the time I actually had time to take out the baby furniture, I found out I was pregnant again and left it up. There is so much I want to do with the upstairs and I just cannot take down the baby furniture and I do not know why. The crib is not even functional right now with all the toys thrown in there, we do not use the rocker and the changing table/dresser has God knows what in it. I may have to have someone come over to take it down for me when I am out for a little bit, just taking it down solidifies the fact I do not get to keep my own baby. Nothing about this is right, I know I am not the first mother to lose a child and unfortunately, I will not be the last. This does not help to ease the pain that I feel.

I hate this so much and even thinking of the "what ifs." What if I would have gotten pregnant one month earlier or later. What if I would have ignored my desire to have more children and just have been satisfied with the 2 beautiful, healthy daughters that I already have. I have heard so many times that women would not have changed anything once they are through this. I admire that but I would change it, I would give myself a healthy child or not go through this pain at all! I cannot figure out what good could possibly come out of this for anyone, including me, Greg or the girls.

Makayla gets to watch all of her little friends have baby brothers and sisters. She told me last week that she does not want an angel baby, she wants a baby baby. All I could tell my heartbroken 3 year old is that "mommy knows, that's what I want to." She has also said "Why do Mindy and Dillon have 2 babies at home?" I just tell her "well their mommies are just very lucky." How do I explain things to her that even I do not understand? She knows that Olivia will be going to heaven to live with God and Jesus but she is not okay with that. I do get the opportunity to tell her about the beauty of heaven and how happy her little sister is going to be there. This is not always enough for her, she wants to help feed her and hold her. I know life is not fair but that is just not good enough reason for me right now. Greg and I have all the love in the world to give and we wanted this child.

The last week I felt out the cemetery, just to see if I could handle it. As many people know, initially I preferred the idea of cremation and Greg a burial. Right now I really do not have a preference. I decided to drive through the cemetery, just to see how it would feel. To my surprise, it really did not bother me. It was peaceful and beautiful, well maintained with mowing and clean. Then on one of the nice sunny days, the girls and I walked down to the cemetery with our neighbor. Walking through it was not difficult at all and the girls loved it. I explained to them that we do not walk on the headstones and I only had to remind Hannah one time. Now I feel ready to go pick out a plot for Olivia, now that I know I can do it.

I feel very blessed that I only have moments of this deep sadness and pain. Some of the moments are more than moments and last a couple of hours but I do not have a dark cloud over my life at all times right now. I do think about Olivia and what is to come every single day but thankfully it has not completely consumed my life. I will cherish the kicks and crazy movements going on in my belly right now. Greg can now feel the kicks and body rolling around, I can even see them from the outside. There is a life inside me and I will continue to love and nurture her to the best of my ability for as much time I am given with her.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Joy in the most unexpected moments

Tonight was an emotional night for me, something was triggered early in the day and the down feelings continued to linger. Lucky for me, the girls fell asleep in the car on the way home from gymnastics and it seemed like nothing would keep them awake. I was sitting at the computer reading other stories of women who have been through anencephaly or are going through this journey now. There are so many strong, amazing women who I am blessed to be in contact with to discuss, share feelings and sometimes just vent with. I have to admit that I was feeling quite sorry for myself, which I rarely allow, when my tears were interrupted.

As I was clicking away at the computer I heard Makayla fall off of the couch and start crying. Well, that woke her up and Hannah too! I went into the living room, Greg was sitting on the floor holding a crying Makayla and Hannah was yawning and smiling so sweetly on the couch. I went over to pick up Hannah and sat down on the couch where she had been sleeping only to realize I had sat in a puddle of pee and holding a completely soaked 2 year old.

I'm not sure why it seemed so funny at the time. I stripped her down, changed my own clothes and put her in the tub. By this point she was also crying hysterically. Makayla was still crying and Greg put her on the toilet. Once she was on the toilet, still crying, she started using the bathroom and pee sprayed all over my legs like she was using a water gun. So here we are, two crying toddlers, pee all over me and both of us are laughing. They are both now dry in their pjs, tucked in bed where they hopefully stay the rest of the night.

I am so blessed to have my girls, even at their worst they can make us feel good again. Don't get me wrong, I will probably not be so uplifted by this if it happens again tomorrow! But, for today it was hilarious and helped me to realize that our life will continue to go on, no matter what is happening around us.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

24 week appointment

We had our 24 week doctor visit today which was pretty uneventful. Everything is going smoothly at this point, Olivia still has a strong heartbeat and kicks like crazy. However I did notice that I gained about 8 pounds since my last appointment only 4 weeks ago!!! Usually my doctor appointment days leave me on the emotional side but today I am tired. I will take this as a blessing because I feel normal, which is a wonderful feeling.

My next appointment is in 4 weeks, I have the joy of experiencing the fasting blood glucose test once again. I only have 2 problems with this, I cannot eat breakfast and the orange drink makes me want to vomit. I am hoping this test shows that I do not have gestational diabetes since I'm a junk addict lately. Once in awhile I just want a bowl of ice cream, or the whole container (I will justify this since I eat it one bowl at a time, I do not sit down with the whole carton at once). I'm sure it will be just fine though, I did not have a problem with Makayla or Hannah's pregnancies and I have not shown any signs of diabetes.

I will not be proofreading this post, I am ready for bed and just hope it all makes sense!!!