26 weeks-long!

On Wednesday I will be 26 weeks so I well past the halfway point for this pregnancy. Today I sitting here trying to put into words what I am feeling to try to release some of the heaviness weighing down my heart.

In some ways, I never want this pregnancy to end since it will be an end to my daughters life. Other ways, I am ready to move past this and see what the future holds. I know that Olivia will always be a part of me that I do not just move past but I want to get past the waiting. Waiting daily to see if I will go into labor; or if she will just quit moving, we go to the doctor and find out that she is already gone. Living everyday with so much uncertainty is very unnerving for a person as anal as I am. I like living life by schedules and to do lists and I cannot do that right now and it is hard to give up control.

I have to take down the crib from the "play room." Hannah quit using her room this summer when she moved into Makayla's room. By the time I actually had time to take out the baby furniture, I found out I was pregnant again and left it up. There is so much I want to do with the upstairs and I just cannot take down the baby furniture and I do not know why. The crib is not even functional right now with all the toys thrown in there, we do not use the rocker and the changing table/dresser has God knows what in it. I may have to have someone come over to take it down for me when I am out for a little bit, just taking it down solidifies the fact I do not get to keep my own baby. Nothing about this is right, I know I am not the first mother to lose a child and unfortunately, I will not be the last. This does not help to ease the pain that I feel.

I hate this so much and even thinking of the "what ifs." What if I would have gotten pregnant one month earlier or later. What if I would have ignored my desire to have more children and just have been satisfied with the 2 beautiful, healthy daughters that I already have. I have heard so many times that women would not have changed anything once they are through this. I admire that but I would change it, I would give myself a healthy child or not go through this pain at all! I cannot figure out what good could possibly come out of this for anyone, including me, Greg or the girls.

Makayla gets to watch all of her little friends have baby brothers and sisters. She told me last week that she does not want an angel baby, she wants a baby baby. All I could tell my heartbroken 3 year old is that "mommy knows, that's what I want to." She has also said "Why do Mindy and Dillon have 2 babies at home?" I just tell her "well their mommies are just very lucky." How do I explain things to her that even I do not understand? She knows that Olivia will be going to heaven to live with God and Jesus but she is not okay with that. I do get the opportunity to tell her about the beauty of heaven and how happy her little sister is going to be there. This is not always enough for her, she wants to help feed her and hold her. I know life is not fair but that is just not good enough reason for me right now. Greg and I have all the love in the world to give and we wanted this child.

The last week I felt out the cemetery, just to see if I could handle it. As many people know, initially I preferred the idea of cremation and Greg a burial. Right now I really do not have a preference. I decided to drive through the cemetery, just to see how it would feel. To my surprise, it really did not bother me. It was peaceful and beautiful, well maintained with mowing and clean. Then on one of the nice sunny days, the girls and I walked down to the cemetery with our neighbor. Walking through it was not difficult at all and the girls loved it. I explained to them that we do not walk on the headstones and I only had to remind Hannah one time. Now I feel ready to go pick out a plot for Olivia, now that I know I can do it.

I feel very blessed that I only have moments of this deep sadness and pain. Some of the moments are more than moments and last a couple of hours but I do not have a dark cloud over my life at all times right now. I do think about Olivia and what is to come every single day but thankfully it has not completely consumed my life. I will cherish the kicks and crazy movements going on in my belly right now. Greg can now feel the kicks and body rolling around, I can even see them from the outside. There is a life inside me and I will continue to love and nurture her to the best of my ability for as much time I am given with her.