Tired!

The last couple of weeks have left me drained. I have had so many emotional and physical ups and downs that I do not know what to do with myself when things are quiet. The days go by, I can easily pull myself together for the girls. Quiet car rides, once the girls are asleep or just waiting in line at the grocery store are becoming more difficult. I think alot of it has to do with my pregnancy showing and the increasing questions from strangers.

Saturday I tried to get an outfit for her. I went to a baby boutique to try to find a special outfit. I told the sales lady that I am looking for an outfit for a preemie sized girl. She was excited, took me to a rack to show me something "different." Well, the outfit was different outfit was a zebra print tutu style skirt with pink onsie. I just wanted to scream out that it is for a baby who will die, not a baby I can prance around in animal print tutus. Instead, I quickly said no, a little disgusted so she would try to stick to pretty, pink, girly pieces. She continued to show me outfits that just were not what I am looking for. Then she seemed annoyed with the "no" storm coming from my mouth and asked, "just how small is this baby we are talking about." Then I did it, I started crying...in the middle of the store and told her it is for the baby I am carrying and it will probably be the only outfit she will ever wear.

I knew picking an outfit would be hard, but I had not anticipated this at all. The poor sales lady showed me plenty of nice pink, white and flowered dresses after my start of a breakdown but I left empty handed. I called Greg from the van, I was crying so hard that I could not drive and he was working 45 minutes away. I talked to him long enough to calm down and headed back home to my girls.

I have had a very difficult time praying lately. I miss it and feel happier when I do, it's just difficult. I have not lost faith in God, I still stand by my beliefs but I have lost hope. I have not lost all hope for my life and family just for this pregnancy and any other in the future. I cannot be fully happy for pregnant friends, at least until their babies are born because I know how damaging a loss can be. I have read almost everyday this week of a woman that has lost her child to anencephaly. It is just heart wrenching that so many families are being affected by such loss, loss of a child! I have not even lost my daughter yet. I think of each day as a blessing that she is still with us. I wish I could hold her, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. But for now, I know she is safe and her kicks remind me that she is still so alive. When I finally get to hold her it will be to say goodbye, no matter how long she is with us.

I am not ready, I am scared. I do not know if it is possible to prepare yourself for this. I was laying in bed the other night just wondering if knowing is really so much better. I don't have a nursery set up to have to come home to or a closet full of clothes that will never be worn. But I also have nothing to look forward to. Everyday I wrestle with wishing it was all over and wishing it would never end. I am not ready for the pain of empty arms, no nursery, no late night feedings. I am not ready to put my baby in the ground and drive by a cemetery regularly and know that her body is there and not with me.

I can find comfort in knowing that my daughter will be in heaven but babies are meant to be with their mothers! How will I be able to let go? I do not want to forget my baby, ever. I do not want to carry this blanket of grief and loss around with me for the rest of my life either. I do trust that I will not have to feel such raw pain and anguish for the rest of my life. I have refocused myself back to God in the last couple of days. That has brought peace back into by heart, it does not take away the pain, just softens it. I do know that He is where my strength is coming from, without God, I would not get through these days. While some days are harder than others, I am so thankful to the supportive family and friends that I have surrounded myself with.