My new reality

I will start this entry out as a warning that I am not having the best evening. I am not tearing anyone down or as depressing as it could be but this is in no way an uplifting post. I debated about even posting it after it was written but am going to go ahead with it.

I am completely exhausted, not because I have not gotten enough sleep though. My brain is tired, my body is tired and I am just drained. I wake up every single day to Olivia moving inside of me, she moves more than any other pregnancy I've had. Usually I welcome this since this is the life she has been given. Today it is a nonstop reminder of what I am going to lose.

I have been told by people that they hope I do not have to carry to term. Why? I'm sure it is out of some kind of niceness. I wonder why someone would wish for my baby to die, sooner than later, I will have to bury her that much sooner if that is the case. I have also been told that people hope I can carry to term. Again why? So I can wake up everyday after a night of tossing and turning because my body is overwhelmed by the extra weight I am carrying. So that I can think about, day in and day out that I am doing all of this for absolutely nothing. The truth is, I do not know what I want. I can honestly say that no matter what happens, I do believe it is the best for me, even though I have NO clue as to how it can be good.

I ordered a book and received it this weekend. The book was intended for the girls to somehow help with their grieving process when it is all done. The book is "We were gonna have a baby, but had an angel instead." I absolutely hate it. The book was not poorly written or poorly illustrated. How am I supposed to read a book like this to my children? It has been a book that was recommended on the support groups but I do not see how it can possibly help. I may change my mind about it later but right now I just hate it.

I was asked today at church if I was going to have another baby. I really thought that of all places, the word had spread there. I am so tired of trying to stay upbeat when asked this question and just bluntly said "Yes, but she is not going to live." Talk about an awkward moment but welcome to my life right now.

I have found out this week that help is not as freely given as it is offered. I have not had a horrible week, my kids have been pretty well behaved, I have enjoyed my family time when Greg is at home but I am just down. I do not ask for help, it is not in my nature to ask for help or even take it when it is offered. There were a couple of days this week that I could have used a little backup or a breather but the opportunity just was not there. I am not sure who to talk to about my problems. I do not want to see a counselor unless there is a counselor, locally, that has carried a child knowing that the baby would die when it was born. I guess I do not need to just talk about it, I just need to talk to someone who really understands. I do not want or feel that I need medication to help ease the pain. My pain is not overwhelming me to the point that I do not want to live my life. Even with medication, the issues would still be in my life. I am still pregnant, waiting for my daughter to die.

I did not feel this crappy yesterday and I probably will not when I wake up in the morning. Once in awhile though it hits me so hard that this is my new reality and as much as painful as it is, I have to learn to deal with it.