Sunday, April 25, 2010

My new reality

I will start this entry out as a warning that I am not having the best evening. I am not tearing anyone down or as depressing as it could be but this is in no way an uplifting post. I debated about even posting it after it was written but am going to go ahead with it.

I am completely exhausted, not because I have not gotten enough sleep though. My brain is tired, my body is tired and I am just drained. I wake up every single day to Olivia moving inside of me, she moves more than any other pregnancy I've had. Usually I welcome this since this is the life she has been given. Today it is a nonstop reminder of what I am going to lose.

I have been told by people that they hope I do not have to carry to term. Why? I'm sure it is out of some kind of niceness. I wonder why someone would wish for my baby to die, sooner than later, I will have to bury her that much sooner if that is the case. I have also been told that people hope I can carry to term. Again why? So I can wake up everyday after a night of tossing and turning because my body is overwhelmed by the extra weight I am carrying. So that I can think about, day in and day out that I am doing all of this for absolutely nothing. The truth is, I do not know what I want. I can honestly say that no matter what happens, I do believe it is the best for me, even though I have NO clue as to how it can be good.

I ordered a book and received it this weekend. The book was intended for the girls to somehow help with their grieving process when it is all done. The book is "We were gonna have a baby, but had an angel instead." I absolutely hate it. The book was not poorly written or poorly illustrated. How am I supposed to read a book like this to my children? It has been a book that was recommended on the support groups but I do not see how it can possibly help. I may change my mind about it later but right now I just hate it.

I was asked today at church if I was going to have another baby. I really thought that of all places, the word had spread there. I am so tired of trying to stay upbeat when asked this question and just bluntly said "Yes, but she is not going to live." Talk about an awkward moment but welcome to my life right now.

I have found out this week that help is not as freely given as it is offered. I have not had a horrible week, my kids have been pretty well behaved, I have enjoyed my family time when Greg is at home but I am just down. I do not ask for help, it is not in my nature to ask for help or even take it when it is offered. There were a couple of days this week that I could have used a little backup or a breather but the opportunity just was not there. I am not sure who to talk to about my problems. I do not want to see a counselor unless there is a counselor, locally, that has carried a child knowing that the baby would die when it was born. I guess I do not need to just talk about it, I just need to talk to someone who really understands. I do not want or feel that I need medication to help ease the pain. My pain is not overwhelming me to the point that I do not want to live my life. Even with medication, the issues would still be in my life. I am still pregnant, waiting for my daughter to die.

I did not feel this crappy yesterday and I probably will not when I wake up in the morning. Once in awhile though it hits me so hard that this is my new reality and as much as painful as it is, I have to learn to deal with it.


  1. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish there was something I could do or say. From being there personally and having moments just as you describe in this post I can say I know there is no right answer. I am sorry for that. I think its good that you are being honest with how you feel, that's all we really can do. And like you up until having Lilly I HATED asking people for help. I just am so determined to do everything on my own. I am glad that you have an outlet to post feelings such as you have had today. You are a very strong person. I think about you often and pray for your family as well as I know personally how hard this journey is. So I feel for you I really do. I know that doesn't make it any better. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

    love and prayers

  2. Cynthia,
    I don't know exactly what to say to you but do feel lead to try. You say you don't know or understand why you and Greg have been chosen to carry this cross. God is the only one who has the answer to this question. What i do know is what a blessing you have been to me in the short time I have known you. I am not sure that you will ever know the people that you have touched in a way that few people get to in a lifetime, but I am one of those people. I wish that I could help pull you through this but again God is the only one who can. Yes, you will lose your child but for some reason God has chosen you and Greg to be her parent's for a very short time. His reasoning does baffle us and you may never have an answer here on earth. My heart aches for you and Greg and I will continue to pray that God continues to wrap his arms around you daily and that you can feel his comfort. And guess what? You get to have bad days and be angry. Remember you are human. You and Greg will get through this. It will be a terrible journey but just think what it would be without your faith. I am here anytime you need an ear or just someone to punch to work through the anger! With love, Lynn Kraft

  3. Oh sweet Cynthia, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My heart aches for where you are. My name is Jennifer and we carried our Eli for 12 weeks after he was diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome (polycystic kidneys). Those 12 weeks were so bittersweet. It really does help to have someone who has been there to talk to. Eli has been home with Jesus for 9 weeks now, so we are on different parts of this journey. They both are so difficult. I will be praying that God would allow you to have His peace and also allow you to make as many memories with your baby as you can. Memories are treasures when you are walking the journey we are on. God bless you and if you need to talk my email is

  4. I think it's ok to post when there are down days because it's part of the journey. Carrying a baby you know you will die is a hard road to travel and one that few people understand.