We have had a good last 2 weeks for both girls behaving very well (for the most part). This has been a wonderful blessing since I am getting bigger and it's not so easy to keep up with a 3 and 4 year old while 8 months pregnant!
I have been reading less and less on my support group the closer I get to the end of this pregnancy. I opened one of the messages tonight though and I'm glad that I did. Some days it is very hard to know if we have made the right decision to carry Olivia to term. I worry about myself, both physically and emotionally. I worry about Greg who has a lot of driving time with work and wonder how much this really weighs on him throughout the day. I worry for our girls, how are they supposed to cope with such a big loss at such a young age. I trust that as long as we do our best to keep both Makayla and Hannah informed (age appropriate of course) that they will be better off in the end.
Okay, back to the support group. A lady posted something she heard a preacher saying today :
"God chooses people to do his work. He chooses people with character. This character may not be evident to everyone or anyone but himself. His work is not always fun or popular. (Think Abraham, Moses, Jonah, etc.) those jobs weren't fun, they certainly weren't the popular thing to do.
Carrying our little ones isn't popular, it isn't fun, but God picked each of us for our willingness to obey and the strength of our character."
"God chooses people to do his work. He chooses people with character. This character may not be evident to everyone or anyone but himself. His work is not always fun or popular. (Think Abraham, Moses, Jonah, etc.) those jobs weren't fun, they certainly weren't the popular thing to do.
Carrying our little ones isn't popular, it isn't fun, but God picked each of us for our willingness to obey and the strength of our character."
Some days I really question myself as to why I have decided to take this journey rather than walking into a clinic to "take care of the problem." The truth is, I would not have been able to go through with an early termination. I pray that women that have chosen that path have peace, that they know their babies are safe in heaven and they made the best choice for them at that stage of their lives. I have trust in God that he will provide me the strength to keep moving forward, as much as I would love to run away from what is to come. But until that day comes, whenever it will be, Greg and I will continue to celebrate the life we have been given with all 3 our beautiful daughters.
Cynthia,I think you made the right decision! I fully believe that the choice to carry our children to term is not ours to make. I just do not think that God makes mistakes. Olivia is not a mistake just like Eli wasn't. I have to believe that there is a divine purpose in God giving them to us. I can just about promise you that you will experience a miracle when your sweet little Olivia is born. I have three other children and I so worried how they would deal with our situation. God provided so trememdously. They will grieve for sure and they will do it differently. They will also love being a part of Olivia's life no matter how short or long it is. All of my children held Eli after he passed away. Those pictures are my favorite. The love in their faces is awesome. They were so tender with him. We all talk about him even my 2 1/2 year old. I promise they will adjust better than you and your husband. I wanted to run away also and still do a lot of days. Give it ALL to God and he WILL give you the strength to go on moment by moment. I promise you this is the most difficult thing I have ever been through, but as long as God gives me the strength go get through each minute, I will go on. Enjoy Olivia! Several people told me to make as many memories with Eli as possible while I was carrying him and that is the best advice. Take deep breaths and enjoy her every second she is with you! I am here if you need to talk. If you feel like you need to email me and I will give you my phone number. My email is on my blog. I am praying for you! You are walking such a hard road, but I promise you are doing it gracefully!
ReplyDeleteHugs,Jennifer