I had no idea that Mother's Day would have become so difficult. It was a day that I found myself juggling the feelings of how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful healthy daughters and the pain of missing Olivia. I have found a way, in my daily life, to balance these feelings. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Olivia, she is just part of Greg and me but when I think of her it is not always sad or full of grief. The pain of losing her is so magnified on the special days like Christmas and Mother's Day.
It was difficult to even get out of the house on Sunday but I did it. I am so thankful for Makayla and Hannah, their joy for everything is what helped me survive Mother's Day. They were just excited to celebrate something. We went to church and met my grandma and Greg's parents for lunch. I found myself fighting back tears every time someone told me Happy Mother's Day (unless it was coming from Makayla and Hannah). Of course I did not share that with anyone, it's awkward and I really did not want to hear "At least you still have 2 healthy children." Yes, I have heard it and while I love them and so grateful I have been given the opportunity to raise them, we have had 3 children, not 2. It is not easier that I knew she was going to die or that she lived an hour instead of years, it still hurts.
I hope Mother's Day gets easier in the coming years. I'm sure since it was the first one without Olivia it was so much more difficult and her 1st birthday is the same week. Tomorrow is her birthday and I hope the day is peaceful for us. Greg is taking the day off and we are still not sure what we will be doing. I have ordered some balloons for a balloon release at the cemetery and will probably get an icecream cake because I am addicted to them. I would really love to just go somewhere with the girls and get away so we will see what we can do, weather permitting!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tired of Grieving
As we approach Olivia's first birthday I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I am just tired of grieving. It is something I have no control over. It does not consume my every moment but I know this will never go away.
Our little family is full of joy and happiness. We have continued with our lives, continued to move forward and LIVE while keeping Olivia's memory alive but I just wish it wasn't this way. We shouldn't be a "little family," we are having a fourth daughter, not a third! I refuse to leave her out when asked the number of children we have, something I was not always comfortable with. BUT I am tired of this. I do not want to have to skim over Olivia's age ("would have been 1 in May") and quickly change the subject as if it is just a trivial detail in our family's history. I do not want to get in a conversation every time I mention her to someone new about why she is not here with us. I just want her here.
I know I should be celebrating the time we did have with her, rather than focusing on how much we are missing out on. She had 34 weeks of life inside of me and 58 minutes on this earth! What a celebration, her life could have easily ended at 13 weeks based on the advice of a specialist. She could have passed at anytime before I went into labor or even not survived the trauma of her delivery but we were given so much more! She was the most active baby I have ever had, she continued to move throughout the entire labor, almost letting me know she was still here. I know that every life has a purpose but what purpose does it serve to be born to die so soon? And if there is a purpose for all of this, why was our daughter the one who had to be sacrificed for that purpose? Someday I will know, until then, I will hold on to that 58 minutes and know that her life mattered.
I just want so badly to be planning a one year old's birthday party rather than something to remember her on May 12th. I want to pick out a fun birthday cake and watch her eat it, not try to decide if we should have a cake for us and the girls. I want to pick out an outfit and special toy, not try to bring myself to work on the design for her headstone.
The grief always has a way of representing itself when least expected. I look at pictures of us as a family since last May and know there is one more and she is not here. Strangers will tell us that our girls are cute or we have a great family and I just want to scream "There is one more! This is not our whole family!"
I'm just so tired of it all, I do not want to be part of this family, the baby loss community. I love the women I have met through this pain, I am glad we have the internet to connect. I am glad we do not have to grieve alone or silently.
With all of that being said, I still believe I would do it all again. This is a whole different subject and post but as much as I HATE that this happened to our family, I know that the blessings from this will far outweigh the pain. I know that even if I do not understand these sufferings in this lifetime, God has a plan and a purpose and it is so much greater than I will ever comprehend.
Our little family is full of joy and happiness. We have continued with our lives, continued to move forward and LIVE while keeping Olivia's memory alive but I just wish it wasn't this way. We shouldn't be a "little family," we are having a fourth daughter, not a third! I refuse to leave her out when asked the number of children we have, something I was not always comfortable with. BUT I am tired of this. I do not want to have to skim over Olivia's age ("would have been 1 in May") and quickly change the subject as if it is just a trivial detail in our family's history. I do not want to get in a conversation every time I mention her to someone new about why she is not here with us. I just want her here.
I know I should be celebrating the time we did have with her, rather than focusing on how much we are missing out on. She had 34 weeks of life inside of me and 58 minutes on this earth! What a celebration, her life could have easily ended at 13 weeks based on the advice of a specialist. She could have passed at anytime before I went into labor or even not survived the trauma of her delivery but we were given so much more! She was the most active baby I have ever had, she continued to move throughout the entire labor, almost letting me know she was still here. I know that every life has a purpose but what purpose does it serve to be born to die so soon? And if there is a purpose for all of this, why was our daughter the one who had to be sacrificed for that purpose? Someday I will know, until then, I will hold on to that 58 minutes and know that her life mattered.
I just want so badly to be planning a one year old's birthday party rather than something to remember her on May 12th. I want to pick out a fun birthday cake and watch her eat it, not try to decide if we should have a cake for us and the girls. I want to pick out an outfit and special toy, not try to bring myself to work on the design for her headstone.
The grief always has a way of representing itself when least expected. I look at pictures of us as a family since last May and know there is one more and she is not here. Strangers will tell us that our girls are cute or we have a great family and I just want to scream "There is one more! This is not our whole family!"
I'm just so tired of it all, I do not want to be part of this family, the baby loss community. I love the women I have met through this pain, I am glad we have the internet to connect. I am glad we do not have to grieve alone or silently.
With all of that being said, I still believe I would do it all again. This is a whole different subject and post but as much as I HATE that this happened to our family, I know that the blessings from this will far outweigh the pain. I know that even if I do not understand these sufferings in this lifetime, God has a plan and a purpose and it is so much greater than I will ever comprehend.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
11 months, Prayer request!
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
Today is 11 months since we were blessed to hold our little girl. How I wish she were right here with me and I was blogging about how close she was to walking or already doing so. Makayla walked at 10.5 months and Hannah at 11 months so I have a feeling Olivia would be keeping up with them by now.
Even as I sit here trying to blog about Olivia, my heart is so heavy for other mothers and their journeys. Another mother, Daphne, is celebrating her twins Harper and Olivia's 1st birthday. Harper is here on earth, a continuous joy to her family while her Olivia, who also had anencephaly ,is celebrating her birthday in heaven.
There is another mother though, Allison, that just found out that her daughter has anencephaly today. I can hardly even type this part through tears because this is not the first time she is experiencing this. Her daughter, VeraAnn, was also diagnosed with anencephaly and was born in November, 2009. She and her husband have 2 healthy daughters so why this is happening for a second time, God only knows. Although I have not gotten to know Allison well, it still breaks my heart as if she was a sister that I was raised with. There is a bond between mothers in the baby loss community and our hearts ache for eachother as much as they rejoice over good news. Some people are already commenting "sorry for your loss." For now, as far as I know, her daughter is still growing inside of her. She is not lost, her life is still as valuable as any other, no matter how short it will be. I cannot imagine how difficult the next weeks and months are going to be for this family, preparing to bury a baby once again.
There is so much fear in a pregnancy after you lose one child. People that have not experienced it try to reassure you that it won't happen again, but it does happen again. I am trying so hard to not sit here and question God, I want to know WHY??? Why does this have to happen even once and after it does, why would the same family have to go through it all over again? I know his plan is greater than I could ever imagine and I will never understand "why" these things happen until I leave this imperfect world. Please pray that this family will be surrounded by God's love, comfort, strength and peace as they try to navigate this pregnancy.
Today is 11 months since we were blessed to hold our little girl. How I wish she were right here with me and I was blogging about how close she was to walking or already doing so. Makayla walked at 10.5 months and Hannah at 11 months so I have a feeling Olivia would be keeping up with them by now.
Even as I sit here trying to blog about Olivia, my heart is so heavy for other mothers and their journeys. Another mother, Daphne, is celebrating her twins Harper and Olivia's 1st birthday. Harper is here on earth, a continuous joy to her family while her Olivia, who also had anencephaly ,is celebrating her birthday in heaven.
There is another mother though, Allison, that just found out that her daughter has anencephaly today. I can hardly even type this part through tears because this is not the first time she is experiencing this. Her daughter, VeraAnn, was also diagnosed with anencephaly and was born in November, 2009. She and her husband have 2 healthy daughters so why this is happening for a second time, God only knows. Although I have not gotten to know Allison well, it still breaks my heart as if she was a sister that I was raised with. There is a bond between mothers in the baby loss community and our hearts ache for eachother as much as they rejoice over good news. Some people are already commenting "sorry for your loss." For now, as far as I know, her daughter is still growing inside of her. She is not lost, her life is still as valuable as any other, no matter how short it will be. I cannot imagine how difficult the next weeks and months are going to be for this family, preparing to bury a baby once again.
There is so much fear in a pregnancy after you lose one child. People that have not experienced it try to reassure you that it won't happen again, but it does happen again. I am trying so hard to not sit here and question God, I want to know WHY??? Why does this have to happen even once and after it does, why would the same family have to go through it all over again? I know his plan is greater than I could ever imagine and I will never understand "why" these things happen until I leave this imperfect world. Please pray that this family will be surrounded by God's love, comfort, strength and peace as they try to navigate this pregnancy.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Remembering Together Bouquet Swap
I just stumbled across this page through Holly's Caring for Carleigh page tonight and I am very excited to participate in it.
The Remembering Together Bouquet Swap is for baby loss mothers to swap a floral inspired craft with eachother for Mother's Day. Check out the blog, there is plenty of info there. I am not the craftiest person but I love this idea and cannot wait for the name to be sent to me! The deadline to sign up is April 10th. If you cannot access the link, there is a facebook page that you can "like" and start there.
When I first saw this I messaged about 15 other mothers, then decided it would be easier to post this way.
The Remembering Together Bouquet Swap is for baby loss mothers to swap a floral inspired craft with eachother for Mother's Day. Check out the blog, there is plenty of info there. I am not the craftiest person but I love this idea and cannot wait for the name to be sent to me! The deadline to sign up is April 10th. If you cannot access the link, there is a facebook page that you can "like" and start there.
When I first saw this I messaged about 15 other mothers, then decided it would be easier to post this way.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Fear
About a week and a half ago, a Saturday night, I decided for some reason to pull out Olivia's things that we had brought home from the hospital. I had been sitting on the couch, feeling Claire move and I suddenly became terrified, remembering leaving the hospital without my baby. What if it all happened again? What if this baby grows and thrives and suddenly stops? I was consumed with fear and every movement was making it worse. I did not want to feel her move, at that moment I did not want to become attached to this little person that was not even fully developed. I was afraid of loving her and losing her too. The truth is though, it is too late to worry about becoming attached or loving her, we have loved her since she was just 2 pink lines on a stick.
So I pulled out Olivia's belongings and stared at the tiny little pile in front of me. We have a little pink outfit that she wore that the hospital gave us. We had taken two outfits, one was too big and the other she was buried in. There is a blanket that came with her outfit, the hat she wore, her hospital bracelets, the hospital birth certificate, the card with her information on it and her hand and foot prints. I just stared at her stuff thinking about how horrible it is to go into a hospital with so much life still growing inside, when she left the hospital in was in a body bag probably the size of a duffle bag.
I took a hot bath, which usually calms me down but I could not stop crying through the whole thing. The pain was as real as the day we found out Olivia would die, the nights we would lay in bed and wonder how we would get through it. As real as laying in the hospital bed waiting to deliver her and just praying that she would be born alive.
I had almost completely written off doing any Bible reading or devotion but decided it couldn't hurt me anymore than what I was already feeling. I'm not even sure it was the right day but the verse said "Do not be afraid, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:5)" Since the devotional I had opened was for couples, the extra stuff had nothing to do with how I was feeling so I went to that verse in the Bible. To my surprise, when I opened to Isaiah, the page I was going to was marked with the ribbon bookmark. I read the verse then went back to the beginning of the chapter and stopped when I read the 2nd verse:
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze(Isaiah 43:2)
I instantly knew that God had provided that verse for me to read that night. I laid in bed thinking about my biggest fear with this pregnancy, losing another baby. I decided I can either allow my fears to consume all the joy that this new life is bringing to our family or I can enjoy my baby now. I am choosing to enjoy this pregnancy, Claire is kicking the computer as I type! I do not know what will happen tomorrow but for today everything is good and I will be satisfied in knowing that even if the worst would happen, the waters will not sweep over me. Greg and I, along with too many other parents, have walked this road before. We all come through in the end because that is what we have to do and God provides the comfort and strength to allow us to move forward as many times as we need it.
It took about a week to push my fears out but each time I began to worry I thought of these two verses. Whatever fear I might have with our children, work, finances I remind myself of Isaiah 43:5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I know that I cannot navigate this life alone so now is not the time to start trying!
So I pulled out Olivia's belongings and stared at the tiny little pile in front of me. We have a little pink outfit that she wore that the hospital gave us. We had taken two outfits, one was too big and the other she was buried in. There is a blanket that came with her outfit, the hat she wore, her hospital bracelets, the hospital birth certificate, the card with her information on it and her hand and foot prints. I just stared at her stuff thinking about how horrible it is to go into a hospital with so much life still growing inside, when she left the hospital in was in a body bag probably the size of a duffle bag.
I took a hot bath, which usually calms me down but I could not stop crying through the whole thing. The pain was as real as the day we found out Olivia would die, the nights we would lay in bed and wonder how we would get through it. As real as laying in the hospital bed waiting to deliver her and just praying that she would be born alive.
I had almost completely written off doing any Bible reading or devotion but decided it couldn't hurt me anymore than what I was already feeling. I'm not even sure it was the right day but the verse said "Do not be afraid, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:5)" Since the devotional I had opened was for couples, the extra stuff had nothing to do with how I was feeling so I went to that verse in the Bible. To my surprise, when I opened to Isaiah, the page I was going to was marked with the ribbon bookmark. I read the verse then went back to the beginning of the chapter and stopped when I read the 2nd verse:
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze(Isaiah 43:2)
I instantly knew that God had provided that verse for me to read that night. I laid in bed thinking about my biggest fear with this pregnancy, losing another baby. I decided I can either allow my fears to consume all the joy that this new life is bringing to our family or I can enjoy my baby now. I am choosing to enjoy this pregnancy, Claire is kicking the computer as I type! I do not know what will happen tomorrow but for today everything is good and I will be satisfied in knowing that even if the worst would happen, the waters will not sweep over me. Greg and I, along with too many other parents, have walked this road before. We all come through in the end because that is what we have to do and God provides the comfort and strength to allow us to move forward as many times as we need it.
It took about a week to push my fears out but each time I began to worry I thought of these two verses. Whatever fear I might have with our children, work, finances I remind myself of Isaiah 43:5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I know that I cannot navigate this life alone so now is not the time to start trying!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
It's been awhile
It's been awhile since I have posted on my blogs. Over four weeks since we have announced the expectany of baby #4 on our family blog. For some reason, it just seems more difficult to seperate the feelings of grief and the feelings of pregnancy but I think they might just have to coexist, they are both a part of me.
I am now 16 weeks and 3 days pregnant with this new little bundle which we are overjoyed about but also very guarded. We do know that this baby does not have anencephaly. This has been followed up with comments of "you must be so relieved now," "now you can start working on the nursery," "I bet you are hoping for a boy," and the list goes on and on of comments that I can respond to and really make an awkward situation.
"You must be so relieved." That's a loaded one, while I do feel relieved that this baby does not have anencephaly, I also am very aware that I have a long road before he/she is born and how many other things could go wrong before that. I almost feel as if I am doubting that God will bless us with another living child. I know that I am not, I just know that nothing in this life is gauranteed because we want it to happen or we "deserve" it. One bad outcome will not shield us from further pain this side of heaven, we are in a fallen world and there will be suffering even if we do not "deserve" it. So yes, while I am relieved, I continue to pray that this baby will be born healthy and our faith will not have to be tested again by losing another child.
That seems to roll right into the next comment "now you can start working on the nursery." Definitely not. I am not sure I will want to put it together before we bring the baby home quite honestly. Some days I am just ready to buy stuff and get started but most days I cannot imagine putting together a nursery just to come home empty handed again. In less than 4 weeks we will have another ultrasound to determine all other organs are fully functioning, rule out other NTDs and the GENDER. I am so excited to know, I am not a supporter of waiting till the baby comes out. Do not tell me it's the one last surprise in life, I am still surprised when I come home and Greg has cleaned up the house, I do not need to wait for a baby to come out for to be surprised. (No offense to others who prefer to wait, that is your decision, go you!) I think knowing the gender will help me move forward in preparing for this baby whatever it may be!
How appropriate to follow with my final comment, "I bet you are hoping for a boy." I know that nobody means anything by this but it stings every single time. This is the first time I can honestly say I do not care what this baby is as long as it is healthy. With Makayla and Hannah, I wanted girls, period. And I have my girls. With Olivia, I/we really wanted a boy, preferably twin boys but one would have been fine. Looking back, I would have taken 100 girls as long as they were all healthy and in my arms. I think it's about time to start buying some blue in our house but if pink is once again in our future, that will be perfect too. We have already picked a girl name, but cannot figure out a boy name (I have my boy name but Greg is not completely sold).
I'm not sure if this post is completely tied together but I have missed my blogger world and cannot wait to catch up with everyone. I have not forgotten you guys, I have just needed to step back for awhile.
I feel as if I should add that I am indeed excited for this pregnancy, it just comes with a whole new level of emotions when following the loss of Olivia. The due dates are about a month apart and the milestones almost fall together on the calendar. The reminders are there daily but I am sure they would be whether I was pregnant again or not.
I am now 16 weeks and 3 days pregnant with this new little bundle which we are overjoyed about but also very guarded. We do know that this baby does not have anencephaly. This has been followed up with comments of "you must be so relieved now," "now you can start working on the nursery," "I bet you are hoping for a boy," and the list goes on and on of comments that I can respond to and really make an awkward situation.
"You must be so relieved." That's a loaded one, while I do feel relieved that this baby does not have anencephaly, I also am very aware that I have a long road before he/she is born and how many other things could go wrong before that. I almost feel as if I am doubting that God will bless us with another living child. I know that I am not, I just know that nothing in this life is gauranteed because we want it to happen or we "deserve" it. One bad outcome will not shield us from further pain this side of heaven, we are in a fallen world and there will be suffering even if we do not "deserve" it. So yes, while I am relieved, I continue to pray that this baby will be born healthy and our faith will not have to be tested again by losing another child.
That seems to roll right into the next comment "now you can start working on the nursery." Definitely not. I am not sure I will want to put it together before we bring the baby home quite honestly. Some days I am just ready to buy stuff and get started but most days I cannot imagine putting together a nursery just to come home empty handed again. In less than 4 weeks we will have another ultrasound to determine all other organs are fully functioning, rule out other NTDs and the GENDER. I am so excited to know, I am not a supporter of waiting till the baby comes out. Do not tell me it's the one last surprise in life, I am still surprised when I come home and Greg has cleaned up the house, I do not need to wait for a baby to come out for to be surprised. (No offense to others who prefer to wait, that is your decision, go you!) I think knowing the gender will help me move forward in preparing for this baby whatever it may be!
How appropriate to follow with my final comment, "I bet you are hoping for a boy." I know that nobody means anything by this but it stings every single time. This is the first time I can honestly say I do not care what this baby is as long as it is healthy. With Makayla and Hannah, I wanted girls, period. And I have my girls. With Olivia, I/we really wanted a boy, preferably twin boys but one would have been fine. Looking back, I would have taken 100 girls as long as they were all healthy and in my arms. I think it's about time to start buying some blue in our house but if pink is once again in our future, that will be perfect too. We have already picked a girl name, but cannot figure out a boy name (I have my boy name but Greg is not completely sold).
I'm not sure if this post is completely tied together but I have missed my blogger world and cannot wait to catch up with everyone. I have not forgotten you guys, I have just needed to step back for awhile.
I feel as if I should add that I am indeed excited for this pregnancy, it just comes with a whole new level of emotions when following the loss of Olivia. The due dates are about a month apart and the milestones almost fall together on the calendar. The reminders are there daily but I am sure they would be whether I was pregnant again or not.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
First Christmas
With Christmas quickly approaching I thought I should do a quick post. This is going to be far from an emotional post since I am just not in that kind of a mood today, thank God!!!
Olivia would have been 7 months this Christmas, the same age as Makayla and Hannah for their first Christmas. Obviously we have a thing for May babies!! We decorated a Christmas tree for the cemetery and chose to not post pictures because it looks so tacky (smile). It's ok to laugh at that, the girls put their entire hearts into it! It was a small tree with a little package of decorations, the girls decided they wanted more decorations and it is now filled with giant snowflakes. We loved watching them work so hard and of course we told them it was beautiful.
I try to imagine what it would be like with a baby this Christmas and I honestly cannot picture it. I watch Makayla and Hannah bounce all over the place and enjoy that this is the first year they are REALLY into Christmas. They love it all, they love hearing the story of baby Jesus, they love that Santa is coming and the presents under the tree. This might be the funnest Christmas with the 2 of them that we have ever had.
Makayla's first Christmas
Hannah's first Christmas
Another mother, Shannon, who lost her daughter Skylar to anencephaly this year made an angel tree. She sent a picture of an Olivia ornament. Thank you again Shannon, I am always so grateful to "meet" other mothers who have suffered loss, we continue to remember our babies together.
Olivia would have been 7 months this Christmas, the same age as Makayla and Hannah for their first Christmas. Obviously we have a thing for May babies!! We decorated a Christmas tree for the cemetery and chose to not post pictures because it looks so tacky (smile). It's ok to laugh at that, the girls put their entire hearts into it! It was a small tree with a little package of decorations, the girls decided they wanted more decorations and it is now filled with giant snowflakes. We loved watching them work so hard and of course we told them it was beautiful.
I try to imagine what it would be like with a baby this Christmas and I honestly cannot picture it. I watch Makayla and Hannah bounce all over the place and enjoy that this is the first year they are REALLY into Christmas. They love it all, they love hearing the story of baby Jesus, they love that Santa is coming and the presents under the tree. This might be the funnest Christmas with the 2 of them that we have ever had.
Makayla's first Christmas
Hannah's first Christmas
Another mother, Shannon, who lost her daughter Skylar to anencephaly this year made an angel tree. She sent a picture of an Olivia ornament. Thank you again Shannon, I am always so grateful to "meet" other mothers who have suffered loss, we continue to remember our babies together.
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