Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tired of Grieving

As we approach Olivia's first birthday I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I am just tired of grieving. It is something I have no control over. It does not consume my every moment but I know this will never go away.

Our little family is full of joy and happiness. We have continued with our lives, continued to move forward and LIVE while keeping Olivia's memory alive but I just wish it wasn't this way. We shouldn't be a "little family," we are having a fourth daughter, not a third! I refuse to leave her out when asked the number of children we have, something I was not always comfortable with. BUT I am tired of this. I do not want to have to skim over Olivia's age ("would have been 1 in May") and quickly change the subject as if it is just a trivial detail in our family's history. I do not want to get in a conversation every time I mention her to someone new about why she is not here with us. I just want her here.

I know I should be celebrating the time we did have with her, rather than focusing on how much we are missing out on. She had 34 weeks of life inside of me and 58 minutes on this earth! What a celebration, her life could have easily ended at 13 weeks based on the advice of a specialist. She could have passed at anytime before I went into labor or even not survived the trauma of her delivery but we were given so much more! She was the most active baby I have ever had, she continued to move throughout the entire labor, almost letting me know she was still here. I know that every life has a purpose but what purpose does it serve to be born to die so soon? And if there is a purpose for all of this, why was our daughter the one who had to be sacrificed for that purpose? Someday I will know, until then, I will hold on to that 58 minutes and know that her life mattered.

I just want so badly to be planning a one year old's birthday party rather than something to remember her on May 12th. I want to pick out a fun birthday cake and watch her eat it, not try to decide if we should have a cake for us and the girls. I want to pick out an outfit and special toy, not try to bring myself to work on the design for her headstone.

The grief always has a way of representing itself when least expected. I look at pictures of us as a family since last May and know there is one more and she is not here. Strangers will tell us that our girls are cute or we have a great family and I just want to scream "There is one more! This is not our whole family!"

I'm just so tired of it all, I do not want to be part of this family, the baby loss community. I love the women I have met through this pain, I am glad we have the internet to connect. I am glad we do not have to grieve alone or silently.

With all of that being said, I still believe I would do it all again. This is a whole different subject and post but as much as I HATE that this happened to our family, I know that the blessings from this will far outweigh the pain. I know that even if I do not understand these sufferings in this lifetime, God has a plan and a purpose and it is so much greater than I will ever comprehend.


  1. Hugs - Cynthia!!! I SO agree with all of this. It seems even harder in some ways now that we will be having our rainbow babies. There will always be a missing family member in all the family photos. Makes me want to have something of hers in every photo - just to symbolize her important place in our family. Glad to share this journey with you - but I SO WISH we didn't have any reason to.

  2. I agree!! I am so sick of grief but I know it is a permanent fixture in my life now. I told someone last night that we had five children and they looked and counted then got a perplexed look on their face. Those looks and those questions are so hard. Like you, I'd do it all again for those few minutes we had with him. Love ya!

  3. yup, I am so glad I 'met' you and others along this journey but, oh how I wish we had never had cause to connect. God bless you as you prepare for Olivia's first heavenly birthday!

  4. I am so glad I met you and so many other mothers. I am sorry that we all have a reason to be here, it just isn't fair and I have gone back and forth and have felt this way myself. Reading your words, I felt like you were putting into words how I have felt myself off and on during this journey. *hugs*