I have continually struggled with how to answer the question, "How many children do you have?" Or while in a store, "are these your only two?" when out with Makayla and Hannah. I find myself over and over saying that I only have 2 kids. I hate it, I hate that it comes out so easily but it rips my heart out every single time. I just want to be comfortable saying I have 3, I want to speak my daughters name without seeing a slight cringe from others. Not every person in my life acts uncomfortable with me saying Olivia but most people do.
I attended a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting for the first time last week. I had heard about it since having my first child but never actually thought I would attend one. I ended up having a good time and enjoying myself. I did however have to face the question "How many children do you have?" The first time I was asked there were only 2 other women with me, I said 3. That is a HUGE step for me, I do not think I have ever told anybody 3 that did not already know about Olivia. It quickly became awkward when asked ages. I said "4, 3 and one would have been almost 4 months." After that,I told anyone else who asked that I have 2 children. I wish I had the confidence to say I have three girls. I never would have imagined that the pregnancy, knowing how it would end, would be easier than walking through life without my baby. I carried her, I held her in my arms and hugged and kissed her. She is my baby, I love her but I still deny her to others almost daily!
I have been dealing with a different kind of grief the last month. Obviously I have been grieving for my child but also for myself. I have changed. It has been almost a year since I became pregnant with Olivia. I miss who I was before, I was carefree. I could talk to people and take in what they would say, now I find myself wondering what I had a conversation about an hour after I had it. My mind is always drifting, not always sad but thinking. I watch the girls play and picture where Olivia would be while her sisters run all over the place. The biggest stress when thinking about having a 3rd child was worrying about sleep or how many diapers we would go through. I really just miss being me, not the new me! I have become a stronger person than I knew I could be but I wish I did not have to know that strength.
If I could go back and change the outcome and have a happy healthy baby, I would do it. Since I cannot, I would still do it all over again. I have learned so much about myself, I have also learned that my faith is real. It is so easy to say "I believe in God" or memorize scripture and attend church every Sunday. When it came down walking through the darkest part of my life, I truly learned to lean on God and put all of my trust in Him, knowing that I would be ok. The pregnancy with Olivia was the most physically uncomfortable out of all pregnancies. The last couple of months it would hurt to lay down, to sit for too long, everything just hurt. At about 32 weeks I could not take it anymore. I had nothing left to do but pray. I prayed for my pain to go away or to just go into labor. I did not want to have my baby yet but my body had hit its limit. I begged and pleaded with God, telling Him I could not take anymore. From that night on and for the next 2 weeks, I felt great. I went back to having just typical aches and pains of pregnancy and of course heartburn!
When I began having pain again 2 weeks later I knew the end was coming. After 2 days of contracting I laid on my couch and prayed again, just like 2 weeks before. This time I prayed that if this was it, I was ready. I prayed for the strength to get through what was about to come and he delivered. I wish I could have had another ending to my story. That my faith was tested but Olivia still came home and we lived happily ever after. For now, I will truly believe that God knows why were given this path to take and just keep moving forward.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friends having babies
I have debated on whether I should post about a close friend having her baby or not. I will not lie, that has urned out to be one of the more difficult parts of this journey. I decided to post for any other mothers that might be facing the same difficult situation.
A close friend of mine was due 7 weeks after my due date, 7 weeks ended up being almost exactly 3 months since I went into labor at 34 weeks. I'm sure using her name would be no issue but I will still use only R, just incase. Greg and I knew 2 other friends that were due during the same week as me and I still have only seen one of the babies once since they have given birth. I have had some obvious issues with seeing babies, either in a carseat or being passed around and gushed over since having Olivia. The friend that most recently had her baby, R, seemed initially to be the most difficult. She has 2 boys the same age as Makayla and Hannah and was due with a little girl. The week R was due, she was due on a Monday and did not have her daughter until Friday. That may have been the most difficult week I have experienced. Not only was my friend due with a baby girl, she lives across the street from me. I did not know how I would be able to handle looking across the street, seeing her with her 3 kids knowing that is exactly what our family should look like right now. Our baby girls should have grown up being friends just like our older kids. I spent every single night laying in bed miserable just thinking that I would not want to lose a friend but not sure I could be around her anymore (for awhile at least).
The day she was due to be induced, she ended up going into labor on her own early in the morning. I almost called into work but somehow I went to work that morning. I thought that it would be a good distraction and I wouldn't have to face looking across the street for additional reminders of what was happening that day. Before work I received a text saying the baby was born. Suprisingly that relieved some of the pressure by not having to wait and wonder when she would be done with labor and delivery. It was an usually quiet morning at work. Only one person was in the gym at one point, the woman was best friend's with R's mother in law. I just sat behind the computer dying inside as she talked on the phone with the mother in law, gushing about the new addition to the family. Talk about having the worst luck in the world! I got through the day and went home. Greg and I were going to a baseball game that night so it turned out to be a great distraction.
The next day I was still not sure if I should go to the hospital, I had a meeting early so I knew I would be going after lunch so I had time to figure it out. I decided to go to the hospital. Before going I just knew that I would not hold the baby or probably even look at her. Greg met with me and we went together. When we go into the room, it was just R and the baby. I looked at the baby and thought, "okay, not too bad for me." It did help that she was cute and I was curious. After a couple of minutes I asked to hold her. I did not cry, I did not see Olivia or have a flooding of memories. I saw their beautiful baby girl, she looks like their family, nothing like any of our girls. It was wonderful to hold her and just feel okay being around babies again. I think the most difficult part of the whole thing was when her husband and sons came back to the room. To see them together with 3 kids, the family of 5 that we should be, stung at first. That sting is gone, it is just part of life now. I get to visit and hold the baby, the kids get to play and I do not have to sit around dreading catching a glimpse of their baby. People tell me they do not know how I handle things, I handle them because I face what is in front of me. There is no turning back so I say a little prayer and just keep moving forward.
I am only typing about this incase you are faced with this situation or have had to face it yourself. I think had I not gone to the hospital I would have never known that I could be ok with it. No part of this journey is easy but it would have been horrible to lose a friend because of my fears. I really encourage seeing friends or family that have babies, I'm not saying it is easy at all but holding that baby did the opposite of what I had thought. There is always an excuse or escape story you can plan if you find yourself falling apart! (I did not need to use it but I had one!!)
A close friend of mine was due 7 weeks after my due date, 7 weeks ended up being almost exactly 3 months since I went into labor at 34 weeks. I'm sure using her name would be no issue but I will still use only R, just incase. Greg and I knew 2 other friends that were due during the same week as me and I still have only seen one of the babies once since they have given birth. I have had some obvious issues with seeing babies, either in a carseat or being passed around and gushed over since having Olivia. The friend that most recently had her baby, R, seemed initially to be the most difficult. She has 2 boys the same age as Makayla and Hannah and was due with a little girl. The week R was due, she was due on a Monday and did not have her daughter until Friday. That may have been the most difficult week I have experienced. Not only was my friend due with a baby girl, she lives across the street from me. I did not know how I would be able to handle looking across the street, seeing her with her 3 kids knowing that is exactly what our family should look like right now. Our baby girls should have grown up being friends just like our older kids. I spent every single night laying in bed miserable just thinking that I would not want to lose a friend but not sure I could be around her anymore (for awhile at least).
The day she was due to be induced, she ended up going into labor on her own early in the morning. I almost called into work but somehow I went to work that morning. I thought that it would be a good distraction and I wouldn't have to face looking across the street for additional reminders of what was happening that day. Before work I received a text saying the baby was born. Suprisingly that relieved some of the pressure by not having to wait and wonder when she would be done with labor and delivery. It was an usually quiet morning at work. Only one person was in the gym at one point, the woman was best friend's with R's mother in law. I just sat behind the computer dying inside as she talked on the phone with the mother in law, gushing about the new addition to the family. Talk about having the worst luck in the world! I got through the day and went home. Greg and I were going to a baseball game that night so it turned out to be a great distraction.
The next day I was still not sure if I should go to the hospital, I had a meeting early so I knew I would be going after lunch so I had time to figure it out. I decided to go to the hospital. Before going I just knew that I would not hold the baby or probably even look at her. Greg met with me and we went together. When we go into the room, it was just R and the baby. I looked at the baby and thought, "okay, not too bad for me." It did help that she was cute and I was curious. After a couple of minutes I asked to hold her. I did not cry, I did not see Olivia or have a flooding of memories. I saw their beautiful baby girl, she looks like their family, nothing like any of our girls. It was wonderful to hold her and just feel okay being around babies again. I think the most difficult part of the whole thing was when her husband and sons came back to the room. To see them together with 3 kids, the family of 5 that we should be, stung at first. That sting is gone, it is just part of life now. I get to visit and hold the baby, the kids get to play and I do not have to sit around dreading catching a glimpse of their baby. People tell me they do not know how I handle things, I handle them because I face what is in front of me. There is no turning back so I say a little prayer and just keep moving forward.
I am only typing about this incase you are faced with this situation or have had to face it yourself. I think had I not gone to the hospital I would have never known that I could be ok with it. No part of this journey is easy but it would have been horrible to lose a friend because of my fears. I really encourage seeing friends or family that have babies, I'm not saying it is easy at all but holding that baby did the opposite of what I had thought. There is always an excuse or escape story you can plan if you find yourself falling apart! (I did not need to use it but I had one!!)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Olivia's Name in Sand
A blogger friend, Jennifer, took a picture of Olivia's name in the sand. It was hidden in my mess of e-mail and I finally found it again! Thank you Jennifer, I love it!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Most days I feel like I am doing great. I know what I have lost and I will never get her back but I am so grateful for what I still have here. Then it all comes crashing down again. It could probably be contributed to finishing moving, going from 100 mph to having some down time.
I cannot explain the feeling the last 2 nights. I had the crushing reality once again that my baby is not with me. I layed in bed sobbing, unable to sleep. My arms were empty, I want my baby back. I NEED my baby in my arms, I need to be able to look into her room and see her sleeping peacefully. Instead I lay awake, alone with the aching for my child. I cannot explain the level of deep pain. I find myself looking at pictures of Olivia and wanting to hide them because it hurts so bad. Instead I keep them out and just deal with the pain. This is not how it is supposed to be. A mother without her child, and it happens more often than people know, more than people like to talk about it.
I think that in the 2 1/2 short months that we had lived in our house after losing Olivia, we had just become so accustomed to her belongings being around us. With moving, everything is packed and really looked at for the first time in awhile. For the first time in awhile I was also looking at the cribs broken down in the garage, the pink rocker that we had rocked Makayla and Hannah in. Just another harsh reality that they were never needed this time. I became very protetive of the few things we have of hers. I'm very upset that a couple of figurines were broken, they can be easily fixed since they were nice clean breaks but they were still broken.
We have a room that we are making into an office, I just shut the door half of the time, it should be Olivia's room. I don't want an office in there, I want a nursery. I would much rather try to find a place to set up our computer than have an empty crib stored above the garage.
Days like these are beyond miserable but I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this. I do not have to carry myself through this darkness, even though at times I forget or try to do it on my own. I just keep praying, thanking God for the family I have been blessed with and Him continuing to carry me through this grief.
I cannot explain the feeling the last 2 nights. I had the crushing reality once again that my baby is not with me. I layed in bed sobbing, unable to sleep. My arms were empty, I want my baby back. I NEED my baby in my arms, I need to be able to look into her room and see her sleeping peacefully. Instead I lay awake, alone with the aching for my child. I cannot explain the level of deep pain. I find myself looking at pictures of Olivia and wanting to hide them because it hurts so bad. Instead I keep them out and just deal with the pain. This is not how it is supposed to be. A mother without her child, and it happens more often than people know, more than people like to talk about it.
I think that in the 2 1/2 short months that we had lived in our house after losing Olivia, we had just become so accustomed to her belongings being around us. With moving, everything is packed and really looked at for the first time in awhile. For the first time in awhile I was also looking at the cribs broken down in the garage, the pink rocker that we had rocked Makayla and Hannah in. Just another harsh reality that they were never needed this time. I became very protetive of the few things we have of hers. I'm very upset that a couple of figurines were broken, they can be easily fixed since they were nice clean breaks but they were still broken.
We have a room that we are making into an office, I just shut the door half of the time, it should be Olivia's room. I don't want an office in there, I want a nursery. I would much rather try to find a place to set up our computer than have an empty crib stored above the garage.
Days like these are beyond miserable but I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this. I do not have to carry myself through this darkness, even though at times I forget or try to do it on my own. I just keep praying, thanking God for the family I have been blessed with and Him continuing to carry me through this grief.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Busy Weeks: Part 2
Last Friday Hannah had to get her tonsils taken out. It was a much needed operation, she snored, choked on food and sleep was becoming an issue. As much as I knew she needed her surgery, and it is such a routine one, I felt terrible about doing it. I think all mothers are scared at the idea of having their children operated on. Over the last few months I have become paranoid about the safety of my living children, I will not get into all of my fears right now but there are more than enough of them!
Friday morning we took Hannah into the hospital bright and early. She was bright, happy, very active and actually excited for surgery. We did not tell her she would wake up in pain, it would have not changed the outcome and I did not want her going into it scared. She walked off from her little recovery room with a nurse and she did not even want Greg or I to go as far as we could with her. We were then moved to the family conference room. There we sat, it was only about 15-20 minutes but that was the longest 15-20 minutes of my life. I sat there in fear and guilt for putting my 3 year old baby through surgery. I kept thinking, maybe she was not that bad with her tonsils. Her tonsils were huge and covered her entire throat but I still felt horrible.
As I sat in that room, exactly one month past my due date and on the same floor I had given birth, I tried to focus on Hannah. It was impossible. The last time I was on that floor my baby was born. I kept thinking that I should be worrying about how to take care of a newborn and 3 year old that just had surgery at the same time. The last time I gave my child over in this hospital, her body was gone from me forever. My mind kept going places that I normally do not welcome it but I just could not stop it that day. I cannot fully explain how that waiting was except pure torture.
Of course Hannah came through surgery just fine, she was grumpy when she woke up from surgery which was expected. Now 5 days later she has very little proof that she was operated on and she is doing great!
Time to get back to packing, I have a new picture of Olivia's name in sand from my blogger friend, Jennifer, that I will post soon. Hotmail will not let me in the account due to maintenance right now :P
Friday morning we took Hannah into the hospital bright and early. She was bright, happy, very active and actually excited for surgery. We did not tell her she would wake up in pain, it would have not changed the outcome and I did not want her going into it scared. She walked off from her little recovery room with a nurse and she did not even want Greg or I to go as far as we could with her. We were then moved to the family conference room. There we sat, it was only about 15-20 minutes but that was the longest 15-20 minutes of my life. I sat there in fear and guilt for putting my 3 year old baby through surgery. I kept thinking, maybe she was not that bad with her tonsils. Her tonsils were huge and covered her entire throat but I still felt horrible.
As I sat in that room, exactly one month past my due date and on the same floor I had given birth, I tried to focus on Hannah. It was impossible. The last time I was on that floor my baby was born. I kept thinking that I should be worrying about how to take care of a newborn and 3 year old that just had surgery at the same time. The last time I gave my child over in this hospital, her body was gone from me forever. My mind kept going places that I normally do not welcome it but I just could not stop it that day. I cannot fully explain how that waiting was except pure torture.
Of course Hannah came through surgery just fine, she was grumpy when she woke up from surgery which was expected. Now 5 days later she has very little proof that she was operated on and she is doing great!
Time to get back to packing, I have a new picture of Olivia's name in sand from my blogger friend, Jennifer, that I will post soon. Hotmail will not let me in the account due to maintenance right now :P
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Busy weeks: Part 1
The last couple of weeks have been crazy busy but probably will stay this way for another week or two. The beginning of last week I received a package in the mail from a friend Mary. I do not have pictures taken yet (but will soon!). She sent a book "Mommy, please don't cry there are no tears in heaven," and a super cute picture frame. The frame is yellow and white striped, has an angel charm and says "Every moment is a miracle." I have already put a picture of Olivia in it and had it hanging up. Also in the package was a card which highlighted the verse John 14:27. I had not realized how much this verse would continue to pop up after I had first heard it but it is welcomed each and every time!
I also had the opportunity to meet another friend, Sheena, who I had met online. She has had two daughters with anencephaly. We live about 5 hours from each other but met in the middle to have lunch. I cannot even explain the need to meet other women who have gone through carrying a baby knowing they were going to lose it. We all have a bond, an unfortunate one, but I am so grateful for the internet providing me with the chance to connect with others. There were times through this journey that I have felt so alone in my community. We have supportive friends and family but it is not the same as talking to others who just know.
That is my short update for today and hope to post more soon. This may be the busiest 2 weeks I have had in a very long time. Hannah had her tonsils and adenoids taken out last Friday. We are also moving our entire house in less than a week, not sure where we are moving yet! Our walls are infested with bats and need to get out ASAP!
I also had the opportunity to meet another friend, Sheena, who I had met online. She has had two daughters with anencephaly. We live about 5 hours from each other but met in the middle to have lunch. I cannot even explain the need to meet other women who have gone through carrying a baby knowing they were going to lose it. We all have a bond, an unfortunate one, but I am so grateful for the internet providing me with the chance to connect with others. There were times through this journey that I have felt so alone in my community. We have supportive friends and family but it is not the same as talking to others who just know.
That is my short update for today and hope to post more soon. This may be the busiest 2 weeks I have had in a very long time. Hannah had her tonsils and adenoids taken out last Friday. We are also moving our entire house in less than a week, not sure where we are moving yet! Our walls are infested with bats and need to get out ASAP!
Prayer Request
Below is copied from a friends blog from yesterday, the scheduled c-section is the 28th. I am not sure any details but please keep this family in your prayers!
"Prayer Request
I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby."
"Prayer Request
I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby."
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