Thursday, August 26, 2010

Friends having babies

I have debated on whether I should post about a close friend having her baby or not. I will not lie, that has urned out to be one of the more difficult parts of this journey. I decided to post for any other mothers that might be facing the same difficult situation.

A close friend of mine was due 7 weeks after my due date, 7 weeks ended up being almost exactly 3 months since I went into labor at 34 weeks. I'm sure using her name would be no issue but I will still use only R, just incase. Greg and I knew 2 other friends that were due during the same week as me and I still have only seen one of the babies once since they have given birth. I have had some obvious issues with seeing babies, either in a carseat or being passed around and gushed over since having Olivia. The friend that most recently had her baby, R, seemed initially to be the most difficult. She has 2 boys the same age as Makayla and Hannah and was due with a little girl. The week R was due, she was due on a Monday and did not have her daughter until Friday. That may have been the most difficult week I have experienced. Not only was my friend due with a baby girl, she lives across the street from me. I did not know how I would be able to handle looking across the street, seeing her with her 3 kids knowing that is exactly what our family should look like right now. Our baby girls should have grown up being friends just like our older kids. I spent every single night laying in bed miserable just thinking that I would not want to lose a friend but not sure I could be around her anymore (for awhile at least).

The day she was due to be induced, she ended up going into labor on her own early in the morning. I almost called into work but somehow I went to work that morning. I thought that it would be a good distraction and I wouldn't have to face looking across the street for additional reminders of what was happening that day. Before work I received a text saying the baby was born. Suprisingly that relieved some of the pressure by not having to wait and wonder when she would be done with labor and delivery. It was an usually quiet morning at work. Only one person was in the gym at one point, the woman was best friend's with R's mother in law. I just sat behind the computer dying inside as she talked on the phone with the mother in law, gushing about the new addition to the family. Talk about having the worst luck in the world! I got through the day and went home. Greg and I were going to a baseball game that night so it turned out to be a great distraction.

The next day I was still not sure if I should go to the hospital, I had a meeting early so I knew I would be going after lunch so I had time to figure it out. I decided to go to the hospital. Before going I just knew that I would not hold the baby or probably even look at her. Greg met with me and we went together. When we go into the room, it was just R and the baby. I looked at the baby and thought, "okay, not too bad for me." It did help that she was cute and I was curious. After a couple of minutes I asked to hold her. I did not cry, I did not see Olivia or have a flooding of memories. I saw their beautiful baby girl, she looks like their family, nothing like any of our girls. It was wonderful to hold her and just feel okay being around babies again. I think the most difficult part of the whole thing was when her husband and sons came back to the room. To see them together with 3 kids, the family of 5 that we should be, stung at first. That sting is gone, it is just part of life now. I get to visit and hold the baby, the kids get to play and I do not have to sit around dreading catching a glimpse of their baby. People tell me they do not know how I handle things, I handle them because I face what is in front of me. There is no turning back so I say a little prayer and just keep moving forward.

I am only typing about this incase you are faced with this situation or have had to face it yourself. I think had I not gone to the hospital I would have never known that I could be ok with it. No part of this journey is easy but it would have been horrible to lose a friend because of my fears. I really encourage seeing friends or family that have babies, I'm not saying it is easy at all but holding that baby did the opposite of what I had thought. There is always an excuse or escape story you can plan if you find yourself falling apart! (I did not need to use it but I had one!!)


  1. I remember when I held my friend's daughter. I found myself ok with it because it wasn't MY baby girl. I've found it easier though to be around the babies of people I know than of strangers.

  2. I just recently held my nephew who was 4 days old when I held him. He was born 5 months to the day after we buried Lilly. I really was not planning on holding him either and even told my SIL not to expect me to hold him. I ended up holding him because she needed my help and it was OK, not nearly as bad as I anticipated. He was the first newborn I have held since losing Lilly.