Thursday, August 5, 2010

Most days I feel like I am doing great. I know what I have lost and I will never get her back but I am so grateful for what I still have here. Then it all comes crashing down again. It could probably be contributed to finishing moving, going from 100 mph to having some down time.

I cannot explain the feeling the last 2 nights. I had the crushing reality once again that my baby is not with me. I layed in bed sobbing, unable to sleep. My arms were empty, I want my baby back. I NEED my baby in my arms, I need to be able to look into her room and see her sleeping peacefully. Instead I lay awake, alone with the aching for my child. I cannot explain the level of deep pain. I find myself looking at pictures of Olivia and wanting to hide them because it hurts so bad. Instead I keep them out and just deal with the pain. This is not how it is supposed to be. A mother without her child, and it happens more often than people know, more than people like to talk about it.

I think that in the 2 1/2 short months that we had lived in our house after losing Olivia, we had just become so accustomed to her belongings being around us. With moving, everything is packed and really looked at for the first time in awhile. For the first time in awhile I was also looking at the cribs broken down in the garage, the pink rocker that we had rocked Makayla and Hannah in. Just another harsh reality that they were never needed this time. I became very protetive of the few things we have of hers. I'm very upset that a couple of figurines were broken, they can be easily fixed since they were nice clean breaks but they were still broken.

We have a room that we are making into an office, I just shut the door half of the time, it should be Olivia's room. I don't want an office in there, I want a nursery. I would much rather try to find a place to set up our computer than have an empty crib stored above the garage.

Days like these are beyond miserable but I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this. I do not have to carry myself through this darkness, even though at times I forget or try to do it on my own. I just keep praying, thanking God for the family I have been blessed with and Him continuing to carry me through this grief.


  1. Praying for you. I myself have felt this way A LOT this week. Many hugs.

  2. I have had those feelings as well the last few days. It is so overwhelming sometimes. We are not alone!!! Many prayers and big hugs. Glad you got moved.

  3. I am glad that you got moved. I am sorry you are having these is horrible when it hits you like that. ((hugs)) You are in my prayers.

  4. I'm sorry some of the figurines were broken. :( Even though they can be fixed it still sucks!! Moving is a big thing and quite a change. I hope you can get her things out soon and surround yourself again with them.