Social Security Card

In the mail today we received Olivia's social security card. I knew I would be getting it and wondered at times how long it would take to come. It's such a strange feeling. It did not make me depressed, I did tear up a little bit but mostly, I just stared at it for a long time.

I cannot fully explain how getting her social security card made me feel. It makes it more real for knowing that she was here, her life has been recognized by someone other than her parents, family and friends. It is so awesome to see her name written by someone other than me. I did not need a piece of paper to see that her life was recognized or validated by the government. I just cannot fully explain it. I know she had a life, 58 minutes was a lifetime for her. I was able to see her name, written out, a permanent record that she was here.

To me her life was so much more than that time after her birth, I had 34 weeks with her. I watched my belly grow as she grew inside me, I felt her kick and watched her roll around as she became bigger, she was living up her mommy and me time! I miss her, I miss the movements, I would even take the heartburn back just to feel her again. I never knew how strongly and deeply I was capable of loving until Olivia came into our lives. I know how precious life is, I have felt such a deep loss that has made me so much more aware of the wonderful husband and daughters that I have. We received a book in the mail this week "Lift Up Thine Eyes," a book donated from businesses in the community when you lose a loved one. One quote that stood out immediately was "Those who truly love will say that they have found in sorrow a new joy, a joy which only the broken-hearted can know." (W. Graham Scroggie) There is a new joy in our family, yes we still have our arguments and the girls have their tantrums but the way we approached them has changed. I would love nothing more than to have Olivia here with us right now, buying baby dresses, hauling around a pink carseat, packing 20 diapers for a 10 minute trip to the grocery store. I know I cannot have that with her and while sometimes it hurts so bad, I am so blessed to have learned from her life. Because of Olivia, I am a better wife and mother than I ever knew I could be.


Below is Natalie Grant's Held, thanks Yolanda for posting it yesterday! It is a song that has been present throughout this journey!