Friday, June 18, 2010

My new life

I'm sitting here not sure what to even type as I feel like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. This has not been an all day feeling. I had a great day with my girls. We went to a friend's house and played in the pool. We made it home not long before Greg came home from work. We decided against cooking and went out as a family for pizza.

Everything looks great from the outside. We have 2 healthy beautiful girls, we really enjoy our time together as a family. What strangers cannot see is the huge void in my life. Olivia died. I have to face this every single day. Every time I go into a store, into a restaurant, I leave feeling like I left something behind. My baby is not with me, her body is stuck in the ground and her soul in heaven. When I have a great day I just wonder what it would be like if I had my baby with me. I have 3 daughters and every day I feel that I am denying Olivia to avoid awkwardness. Whether I'm being asked, "Are these your only two?" or when the kids are not with me, "How many kids do you have?" I just want to say, no I have 3 but I cannot.

This was supposed to happen to somebody else. Miscarriages happen to people we know, it has never happened to us, but it still could some day. We did not have friends or even know of anyone who has had their newborn baby die. Why us? Why OUR baby? I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, like this shouldn't be my life. I didn't do anything wrong, I love and care for my children. There are so many healthy, beautiful children in the world that nobody wants. They go to bed at night hungry, neglected and abused but MY baby was taken from me? I know life is not fair. I know I will be disappointed again. I have had my share of pain in life but NOTHING compares to waking up every single day without the baby you loved and carried for 34 weeks.

So, with my lovely day, what could bring all of this pain to the surface all over again? Enjoying a nice post dinner drive with my little family and seeing a girl who was due the same week as me, loading up her kids and newborn baby. Such a simple little thing but that should be us too!

I know the intense pain and sadness comes in waves. Even as I type I am not hurting so much. Probably because our life continues to go on, Olivia will always be a part of me and the sadness is only temporary. Greg and the girls took the dog for a walk and they came running in excited and yelling about the lightning bugs outside. How could I not cheer up from that?


  1. I am sorry Cynthia. I feel the same way. I am already dreading going back to work in 2 weeks so bad. I work on pediatrics taking care of kids, and I constantly get asked "do you have any kids?" I don't even know how I will handle that yet. Hugs and prayers to you!

  2. I think you are right the sadness does come in waves. I have felt this way myself off and on since Lilly passed. Praying for you and sending you many hugs :)