Babies everywhere

I do not think I ever noticed how many babies are everywhere! I know that this is not a new thing but since finding out that we would lose our daughter, pregnant women and newborn babies are everywhere I go!

I'm sure I look like I hate babies, going into the doctor office last week there was a lady behind me with her screaming newborn while we waited to get checked in. I had seen her in the waiting room and we were probably in the hospital within a week of eachother. When she was standing behind me I was torn between asking her to take her baby to the bathroom or just start crying myself. Instead, I just stood there, looking more annoyed than anyone else and I am really ok with that.

I was in Wal-mart and saw a lady with 2 daughters, both older than Makayla and Hannah. Her girls were also really close in age and I just stared at her pregnant belly. I was jealous, just over a month ago, that was me! People congratulating me, asking when I was due, what was I having. At first that was so difficult but toward the end I would just smile and answer questions. It was nice having that attention of being a new mommy again instead of the sad looks and "I'm sorry."

I am so tired of the way people act around me. I have people walking on eggshells around me, afraid to do or say something to upset me. Afraid to share their joy because of my pain. My pain is here, it is real but it will not go away just because people do not talk about their babies or pregnancies. If I do not want to talk about it, I will say so. Then there is the group of people who are almost rude with questions or comments. I do not want to know unending details of newborn babies that I will probably never see and from people I do not know. I'm sure they are cute/sweet/perfect, whatever, of course they are, they are babies!

Not all people fall into the paragraph above, probably not even most. The groups above upset me so they stand out and seem to have a larger impact. I have great friends and family that handle our "situation" well. I do not mind people asking me questions and talking to me about Olivia. Sometimes I will tear up, that is fine! I hate when I am asked how I am doing, immediately followed by "I didn't mean to upset you!" Tears to not mean I am upset, I am grieving, sometimes I am just going to cry.

Yes, this is a venting post. At first, I was wondering how I could avoid new babies, that could make things easier. Reality is, I cannot. I really do still enjoy seeing happy babies. How can you not smile at a baby who is smiling, it pulls at my heart because I am missing that with Olivia but the beauty of their innocence is so amazing. I am happy for all of these healthy new babies, I hope and pray that all of the parents are so aware of the gift they have.

I will end this post with a verse that seems to pop up over that last couple of months. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27. We used this verse in the memorial folders created for Olivia, it has shown up in devotions, at the end of a song. I am so thankful for this promise of peace, we were granted this peace throughout the pregnancy and after our loss. The peace and strength given to me were not manifested through myself. If that were the case, I would have never made it through. I like to be in control, my life is organized with planners, schedules and lists. When things to do work out that way, I tend to get a little stressed out. Anencephaly was not on my list, we did not schedule that into my planner! Without God guiding us through this journey, I do not want to think of how crazy my life would be right now.