Oh what I wouldn't give to make this aching go away. I keep expecting time to take it away but it's still here. Sometimes more dull than others but this time of year brings it on so strong that my heart just hurts. Holidays and approaching D-day all over again, right in the middle of it all.
Holidays are so difficult, there is so much joy but my mind cannot help but imagine another little girl in the mix of it all. It is not a far stretch of my imagination. We had lived through 2 kids so close in age, Makayla and Hannah are just over 12 1/2 months apart. We were watching home videos of when the older 2 were young and I am reminded of what Claire is cheated out of, what we all are cheated out of. Each time I think of Claire dangling out there without her sister close in age, it crushes me. Yes, I believe all of my girls will be close as they grow up but the special bond the older 2 have will be different than their bond with her.
I see pictures of Makayla and Hannah together as a 1 and 2 year old and wonder why that wasn't enough for us. Why in the world would God give us the desire for another child only to have her die in our arms??
We have a family picture of us I have yet to put up. I want to, and I think I will but with Claire in the picture I see a hole where Olivia should be too. I heard a comment a couple of weeks ago that we "waited awhile before trying again." I bit my tongue, if only this person knew the true waiting we went through. Waiting month after month to become pregnant the 3rd time. Waited to hear a heartbeat only to find out our baby would die the same day we heard and saw her perfect, strong heart. Waiting to meet our daughter while praying she would be born alive. Then after Olivia, waiting all over again to welcome our precious rainbow baby into our family.
Despite all of this aching, I have decided to find joy in the holidays this year and I do believe that is a decision we all have to consciously make. Last year was so difficult and I want to truly enjoy it this year, we have so much to be thankful for.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Is this your first?
Is this your first? I had been asked this several times today, I want to say at least 4. I know that I have been different this time around but I do not think I realized how frantic I have become about my children.
Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too.
This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.
As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried}
After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God.
I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since.
This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7
Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too.
This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.
As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried}
After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God.
I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since.
This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Balloon Release and Baby Dust
It has been a long time since blogging on this blog, not that I have not tried. I have several posts that I started and one even finished but could not publish it. I don't know whether I am tired of sharing my grief or feel like others would be tired of hearing about it. The grief is not fun, some times I feel like it is so easy but then a huge wave comes rushing over me and in the end, I just want my baby here with us.
The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Originally we had planned to go to a big event in Minnesota but adding a new baby with poor planning does not make a big trip happen! Instead we planned a small balloon release at the cemetery which turned out very nice. There were several women that had been touched by miscarraige or infant death that were able to attend while others sent pictures of balloons they had released from other areas. We had gotten 10 balloons and they all ended up traveling together since the cards knotted up!
I had entered a drawing for a free signed copy of the new book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy. Saturday afternoon I came home and it was in the mailbox. I was so excited to get it and opened it to read just a few pages. Before I knew it, I was over 100 pages into it! I had to put it up for awhile to feed my family but after the girls went to bed I jumped right back into it. Greg was watching the Cardinals so he did not mind and I finished the book that evening! Needless to say, I really enjoyed this book. There were so many parts where I was just thinking, "I have totally been there!" It touches on the lives of 5 women who have all been affected by the loss of a baby in some way. All of their situations were different but they were united through the grief of their babies. Thank you to Honoring Our Angels Blog for the wonderful gift :)
The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Originally we had planned to go to a big event in Minnesota but adding a new baby with poor planning does not make a big trip happen! Instead we planned a small balloon release at the cemetery which turned out very nice. There were several women that had been touched by miscarraige or infant death that were able to attend while others sent pictures of balloons they had released from other areas. We had gotten 10 balloons and they all ended up traveling together since the cards knotted up!
I had entered a drawing for a free signed copy of the new book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy. Saturday afternoon I came home and it was in the mailbox. I was so excited to get it and opened it to read just a few pages. Before I knew it, I was over 100 pages into it! I had to put it up for awhile to feed my family but after the girls went to bed I jumped right back into it. Greg was watching the Cardinals so he did not mind and I finished the book that evening! Needless to say, I really enjoyed this book. There were so many parts where I was just thinking, "I have totally been there!" It touches on the lives of 5 women who have all been affected by the loss of a baby in some way. All of their situations were different but they were united through the grief of their babies. Thank you to Honoring Our Angels Blog for the wonderful gift :)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Olivia's 1st Birthday
Better late than never? Olivia's first birthday was May 12th and I have managed to completely skip blogging about her birthday. Blogger had been down when I first tried and my physically and emotionally demanding pregnancy has kept me away from blogging. Leading up to her birthday, the entire month before, I grieved like I had not grieved since losing her. I found myself crying and breaking down ALL the time, in the most uncomfortable of situations. Needless to say, I was nervous about her actual birthday and how difficult it would be. I had plans and ideas of how I had wanted the day to go and let them fall to the side because I honestly did not want to have to deal with it. In the end, I could not have been happier with how her birthday turned out.
When May 12th rolled around I was again refilled by the peace that only God could provide. It was wonderful to just have a day for her where it was nothing was expected of us as parents to do anything except think of Olivia. There were sad moments and tears but mostly celebrating her life and how great our lives really have become since she was part of it. Except Greg taking the day off, it was a normal weekday routine with our special remembrances of Olivia worked in as part of our day, just like if she were here with us. We sent the girls to preschool in the morning without reminding them it was Olivia's birthday, I was worried for the teachers trying to diffuse an awkward situation with 20 preschoolers asking questions about death and heaven without warning. Greg and I were able to go to Effingham to get balloons for the balloon release and the ice cream cake without kids. It was a miracle that the balloons fit in our car! I seriously underestimated how big 25 helium balloons would be and was so glad the girls were not with us for that!
We had just enough time to get balloons and cake in the house and then right back to the school to pick up the girls. I love that life still continues, no matter how some moments I wish it wouldn't! At the school Makayla did not have her glasses on her face (that we had just had fixed the day before!), the details are still fuzzy but too many kids going down one slide = glasses bent up! Thankfully the lenses were still intact! We also had another accident report for Hannah, she fell off of something on the playground. This might sound insensitive but I am immune at this point, I'm sure she set a record for accident reports sent home!
Once we got them in the car they were excited when we reminded them it was Olivia's birthday. I love that, to them she is their sister and they were ready to celebrate! We went to the cemetery after lunch for the balloon release. Hannah was too excited and let her balloons go early, she did get more though.
After the balloon release the girls went to dance class, where Hannah and another girl bumped heads resulting in a big swollen black eye for the other girl....did I mention that life still happened this day?? We went back to town in the evening and ate dinner out with just the 4 of us. There is a local restaurant that sends out coupons for birthdays and since May is our month, we had a coupon from Makayla's birthday. The waitress asked Makayla if she was the birthday girl and both Makayla and looked at us cautiously. Makayla told her "I'm not the birthday girl." I quickly diverted that and reminded Makayla that it WAS her birthday last week and the waitress was gone. After dinner we came home ate the icecream cake. The girls sang a sweet version of Happy Birthday to Olivia that they made up on their own.
Throughout the day we had received many messages, some cards and gifts that were so appreciated! It was nice to know that we were not remembering Olivia alone. My friend Yolanda brought by a copy of "Heaven is For Real." I also received an Olivia pendent from another baby loss mom, Kara. I plan to make it into a keychain but for now it's in my kitchen window so I see it everytime I do dishes (which is 2-3 times a day!).
Holly sent me a picture of Olivia's name.
When May 12th rolled around I was again refilled by the peace that only God could provide. It was wonderful to just have a day for her where it was nothing was expected of us as parents to do anything except think of Olivia. There were sad moments and tears but mostly celebrating her life and how great our lives really have become since she was part of it. Except Greg taking the day off, it was a normal weekday routine with our special remembrances of Olivia worked in as part of our day, just like if she were here with us. We sent the girls to preschool in the morning without reminding them it was Olivia's birthday, I was worried for the teachers trying to diffuse an awkward situation with 20 preschoolers asking questions about death and heaven without warning. Greg and I were able to go to Effingham to get balloons for the balloon release and the ice cream cake without kids. It was a miracle that the balloons fit in our car! I seriously underestimated how big 25 helium balloons would be and was so glad the girls were not with us for that!
We had just enough time to get balloons and cake in the house and then right back to the school to pick up the girls. I love that life still continues, no matter how some moments I wish it wouldn't! At the school Makayla did not have her glasses on her face (that we had just had fixed the day before!), the details are still fuzzy but too many kids going down one slide = glasses bent up! Thankfully the lenses were still intact! We also had another accident report for Hannah, she fell off of something on the playground. This might sound insensitive but I am immune at this point, I'm sure she set a record for accident reports sent home!
Once we got them in the car they were excited when we reminded them it was Olivia's birthday. I love that, to them she is their sister and they were ready to celebrate! We went to the cemetery after lunch for the balloon release. Hannah was too excited and let her balloons go early, she did get more though.
After the balloon release the girls went to dance class, where Hannah and another girl bumped heads resulting in a big swollen black eye for the other girl....did I mention that life still happened this day?? We went back to town in the evening and ate dinner out with just the 4 of us. There is a local restaurant that sends out coupons for birthdays and since May is our month, we had a coupon from Makayla's birthday. The waitress asked Makayla if she was the birthday girl and both Makayla and looked at us cautiously. Makayla told her "I'm not the birthday girl." I quickly diverted that and reminded Makayla that it WAS her birthday last week and the waitress was gone. After dinner we came home ate the icecream cake. The girls sang a sweet version of Happy Birthday to Olivia that they made up on their own.
Throughout the day we had received many messages, some cards and gifts that were so appreciated! It was nice to know that we were not remembering Olivia alone. My friend Yolanda brought by a copy of "Heaven is For Real." I also received an Olivia pendent from another baby loss mom, Kara. I plan to make it into a keychain but for now it's in my kitchen window so I see it everytime I do dishes (which is 2-3 times a day!).
Holly sent me a picture of Olivia's name.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Mothers Day and First Birthday
I had no idea that Mother's Day would have become so difficult. It was a day that I found myself juggling the feelings of how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful healthy daughters and the pain of missing Olivia. I have found a way, in my daily life, to balance these feelings. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Olivia, she is just part of Greg and me but when I think of her it is not always sad or full of grief. The pain of losing her is so magnified on the special days like Christmas and Mother's Day.
It was difficult to even get out of the house on Sunday but I did it. I am so thankful for Makayla and Hannah, their joy for everything is what helped me survive Mother's Day. They were just excited to celebrate something. We went to church and met my grandma and Greg's parents for lunch. I found myself fighting back tears every time someone told me Happy Mother's Day (unless it was coming from Makayla and Hannah). Of course I did not share that with anyone, it's awkward and I really did not want to hear "At least you still have 2 healthy children." Yes, I have heard it and while I love them and so grateful I have been given the opportunity to raise them, we have had 3 children, not 2. It is not easier that I knew she was going to die or that she lived an hour instead of years, it still hurts.
I hope Mother's Day gets easier in the coming years. I'm sure since it was the first one without Olivia it was so much more difficult and her 1st birthday is the same week. Tomorrow is her birthday and I hope the day is peaceful for us. Greg is taking the day off and we are still not sure what we will be doing. I have ordered some balloons for a balloon release at the cemetery and will probably get an icecream cake because I am addicted to them. I would really love to just go somewhere with the girls and get away so we will see what we can do, weather permitting!
It was difficult to even get out of the house on Sunday but I did it. I am so thankful for Makayla and Hannah, their joy for everything is what helped me survive Mother's Day. They were just excited to celebrate something. We went to church and met my grandma and Greg's parents for lunch. I found myself fighting back tears every time someone told me Happy Mother's Day (unless it was coming from Makayla and Hannah). Of course I did not share that with anyone, it's awkward and I really did not want to hear "At least you still have 2 healthy children." Yes, I have heard it and while I love them and so grateful I have been given the opportunity to raise them, we have had 3 children, not 2. It is not easier that I knew she was going to die or that she lived an hour instead of years, it still hurts.
I hope Mother's Day gets easier in the coming years. I'm sure since it was the first one without Olivia it was so much more difficult and her 1st birthday is the same week. Tomorrow is her birthday and I hope the day is peaceful for us. Greg is taking the day off and we are still not sure what we will be doing. I have ordered some balloons for a balloon release at the cemetery and will probably get an icecream cake because I am addicted to them. I would really love to just go somewhere with the girls and get away so we will see what we can do, weather permitting!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tired of Grieving
As we approach Olivia's first birthday I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I am just tired of grieving. It is something I have no control over. It does not consume my every moment but I know this will never go away.
Our little family is full of joy and happiness. We have continued with our lives, continued to move forward and LIVE while keeping Olivia's memory alive but I just wish it wasn't this way. We shouldn't be a "little family," we are having a fourth daughter, not a third! I refuse to leave her out when asked the number of children we have, something I was not always comfortable with. BUT I am tired of this. I do not want to have to skim over Olivia's age ("would have been 1 in May") and quickly change the subject as if it is just a trivial detail in our family's history. I do not want to get in a conversation every time I mention her to someone new about why she is not here with us. I just want her here.
I know I should be celebrating the time we did have with her, rather than focusing on how much we are missing out on. She had 34 weeks of life inside of me and 58 minutes on this earth! What a celebration, her life could have easily ended at 13 weeks based on the advice of a specialist. She could have passed at anytime before I went into labor or even not survived the trauma of her delivery but we were given so much more! She was the most active baby I have ever had, she continued to move throughout the entire labor, almost letting me know she was still here. I know that every life has a purpose but what purpose does it serve to be born to die so soon? And if there is a purpose for all of this, why was our daughter the one who had to be sacrificed for that purpose? Someday I will know, until then, I will hold on to that 58 minutes and know that her life mattered.
I just want so badly to be planning a one year old's birthday party rather than something to remember her on May 12th. I want to pick out a fun birthday cake and watch her eat it, not try to decide if we should have a cake for us and the girls. I want to pick out an outfit and special toy, not try to bring myself to work on the design for her headstone.
The grief always has a way of representing itself when least expected. I look at pictures of us as a family since last May and know there is one more and she is not here. Strangers will tell us that our girls are cute or we have a great family and I just want to scream "There is one more! This is not our whole family!"
I'm just so tired of it all, I do not want to be part of this family, the baby loss community. I love the women I have met through this pain, I am glad we have the internet to connect. I am glad we do not have to grieve alone or silently.
With all of that being said, I still believe I would do it all again. This is a whole different subject and post but as much as I HATE that this happened to our family, I know that the blessings from this will far outweigh the pain. I know that even if I do not understand these sufferings in this lifetime, God has a plan and a purpose and it is so much greater than I will ever comprehend.
Our little family is full of joy and happiness. We have continued with our lives, continued to move forward and LIVE while keeping Olivia's memory alive but I just wish it wasn't this way. We shouldn't be a "little family," we are having a fourth daughter, not a third! I refuse to leave her out when asked the number of children we have, something I was not always comfortable with. BUT I am tired of this. I do not want to have to skim over Olivia's age ("would have been 1 in May") and quickly change the subject as if it is just a trivial detail in our family's history. I do not want to get in a conversation every time I mention her to someone new about why she is not here with us. I just want her here.
I know I should be celebrating the time we did have with her, rather than focusing on how much we are missing out on. She had 34 weeks of life inside of me and 58 minutes on this earth! What a celebration, her life could have easily ended at 13 weeks based on the advice of a specialist. She could have passed at anytime before I went into labor or even not survived the trauma of her delivery but we were given so much more! She was the most active baby I have ever had, she continued to move throughout the entire labor, almost letting me know she was still here. I know that every life has a purpose but what purpose does it serve to be born to die so soon? And if there is a purpose for all of this, why was our daughter the one who had to be sacrificed for that purpose? Someday I will know, until then, I will hold on to that 58 minutes and know that her life mattered.
I just want so badly to be planning a one year old's birthday party rather than something to remember her on May 12th. I want to pick out a fun birthday cake and watch her eat it, not try to decide if we should have a cake for us and the girls. I want to pick out an outfit and special toy, not try to bring myself to work on the design for her headstone.
The grief always has a way of representing itself when least expected. I look at pictures of us as a family since last May and know there is one more and she is not here. Strangers will tell us that our girls are cute or we have a great family and I just want to scream "There is one more! This is not our whole family!"
I'm just so tired of it all, I do not want to be part of this family, the baby loss community. I love the women I have met through this pain, I am glad we have the internet to connect. I am glad we do not have to grieve alone or silently.
With all of that being said, I still believe I would do it all again. This is a whole different subject and post but as much as I HATE that this happened to our family, I know that the blessings from this will far outweigh the pain. I know that even if I do not understand these sufferings in this lifetime, God has a plan and a purpose and it is so much greater than I will ever comprehend.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
11 months, Prayer request!
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
Today is 11 months since we were blessed to hold our little girl. How I wish she were right here with me and I was blogging about how close she was to walking or already doing so. Makayla walked at 10.5 months and Hannah at 11 months so I have a feeling Olivia would be keeping up with them by now.
Even as I sit here trying to blog about Olivia, my heart is so heavy for other mothers and their journeys. Another mother, Daphne, is celebrating her twins Harper and Olivia's 1st birthday. Harper is here on earth, a continuous joy to her family while her Olivia, who also had anencephaly ,is celebrating her birthday in heaven.
There is another mother though, Allison, that just found out that her daughter has anencephaly today. I can hardly even type this part through tears because this is not the first time she is experiencing this. Her daughter, VeraAnn, was also diagnosed with anencephaly and was born in November, 2009. She and her husband have 2 healthy daughters so why this is happening for a second time, God only knows. Although I have not gotten to know Allison well, it still breaks my heart as if she was a sister that I was raised with. There is a bond between mothers in the baby loss community and our hearts ache for eachother as much as they rejoice over good news. Some people are already commenting "sorry for your loss." For now, as far as I know, her daughter is still growing inside of her. She is not lost, her life is still as valuable as any other, no matter how short it will be. I cannot imagine how difficult the next weeks and months are going to be for this family, preparing to bury a baby once again.
There is so much fear in a pregnancy after you lose one child. People that have not experienced it try to reassure you that it won't happen again, but it does happen again. I am trying so hard to not sit here and question God, I want to know WHY??? Why does this have to happen even once and after it does, why would the same family have to go through it all over again? I know his plan is greater than I could ever imagine and I will never understand "why" these things happen until I leave this imperfect world. Please pray that this family will be surrounded by God's love, comfort, strength and peace as they try to navigate this pregnancy.
Today is 11 months since we were blessed to hold our little girl. How I wish she were right here with me and I was blogging about how close she was to walking or already doing so. Makayla walked at 10.5 months and Hannah at 11 months so I have a feeling Olivia would be keeping up with them by now.
Even as I sit here trying to blog about Olivia, my heart is so heavy for other mothers and their journeys. Another mother, Daphne, is celebrating her twins Harper and Olivia's 1st birthday. Harper is here on earth, a continuous joy to her family while her Olivia, who also had anencephaly ,is celebrating her birthday in heaven.
There is another mother though, Allison, that just found out that her daughter has anencephaly today. I can hardly even type this part through tears because this is not the first time she is experiencing this. Her daughter, VeraAnn, was also diagnosed with anencephaly and was born in November, 2009. She and her husband have 2 healthy daughters so why this is happening for a second time, God only knows. Although I have not gotten to know Allison well, it still breaks my heart as if she was a sister that I was raised with. There is a bond between mothers in the baby loss community and our hearts ache for eachother as much as they rejoice over good news. Some people are already commenting "sorry for your loss." For now, as far as I know, her daughter is still growing inside of her. She is not lost, her life is still as valuable as any other, no matter how short it will be. I cannot imagine how difficult the next weeks and months are going to be for this family, preparing to bury a baby once again.
There is so much fear in a pregnancy after you lose one child. People that have not experienced it try to reassure you that it won't happen again, but it does happen again. I am trying so hard to not sit here and question God, I want to know WHY??? Why does this have to happen even once and after it does, why would the same family have to go through it all over again? I know his plan is greater than I could ever imagine and I will never understand "why" these things happen until I leave this imperfect world. Please pray that this family will be surrounded by God's love, comfort, strength and peace as they try to navigate this pregnancy.
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