Sunday, October 30, 2011

Is this your first?

Is this your first? I had been asked this several times today, I want to say at least 4. I know that I have been different this time around but I do not think I realized how frantic I have become about my children.
Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too.
This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.
As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried}
After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God.
I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since.
This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7


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  2. It is so hard to trust after a loss...I feel for you Momma!

  3. I completely get it! I am the same way with Amelia. Poor girl, she pure has separation anxiety now because I refuse to leave her for any length of time. And yes, they are our first...our first after a very traumatic loss. I can't wait to hear the motorcycle story! I have one too! :)

  4. I get it too b/c I'm the same way! I think it's a natural thing after losing a baby. You hold the next one tighter.