Saturday, December 11th, marked the one year anniversary that we found out that our baby would not be coming home with us. It was a day that I allowed to pass without too much thought, the days leading up to it were difficult but we had Christmas parties that day so I pushed it to the back of my mind. The next day, all of the emotions from last year came flooding back.
December 11th will forever be remembered as the most significant day of my life. Before then, my life was going the way I wanted. Greg and I were better than ever, our girls were healthy and beautiful and we were expecting another baby. Life was great. The week before, my doctor scheduled an ultrasound because his heart rate monitor was broken. I remember him telling me, just like it was yesterday, "we'll get an ultrasound, then you can have pictures too." Little did I know that I would be walking out of that ultrasound with only one picture of her hand and have to make a decision that would change our lives forever.
Looking back through my posts I remember each heartache along the way. It still feels like part of our lives is missing. It is impossible to have a baby, go home empty handed then continue life as normal. There are reminders every day, I have just learned to live with them. In many ways my heart is healing. I do not know if it will ever fully heal but there have been blessings in our lives because of Olivia. I would love to say I would give up those blessings to have our daughter here with us but that is not the plan God had for her life or ours. One of the greatest blessings that has come out of the last year is Greg becoming a Christian. He always attended church with the girls and I, did his duty on Sunday morning then went on with his week. Over the last year, he has accepted Jesus as his Savior and his faith has grown immensely. I would love to say this would have happened even if Olivia was healthy but I cannot be sure of that. I have learned through this that faith grows during the darkest points of our lives.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving
I was hesitating to blog about how miserable the idea of holidays has been to be the last week or two but decided to anyway. As a general rule, I love to celebrate....well, anything. Holidays are no exception, until this year.
We were planning on having our families over to our house on Thanksgiving. Last weekend I allowed all negativity to set in and decided we were not having Thanksgiving at our house and I did not plan on attending dinner anywhere. I know that sounds incredibly negative, because it is. I decided that I would not be sitting at a table with my brother, who is in no position to be having a child but has a healthy one on the way. I was not going to sit and pretend that I am happy and avoid talking about my daughter because it makes people uncomfortable, no matter how supportive they can be. I was just depressed. I was reminded by a family member that I have so much to be thankful for. Excuse me? Yes I am well aware of how much I have to be thankful for but that DOES NOT take away my pain from the last year!!
With all of that said, I was content with the idea of staying home and avoiding any sign of Thanksgiving. Greg and I both probably would have if we did not have Makayla and Hannah pushing us forward and I thank God they are here. Greg's family agreed to host dinner with just 3 days notice. Our families came together once again and when the day actually arrived, the bitterness went away. I still sat at the dinner table imagining a high chair with a chubby little 6 month old or not even getting to sit with everyone else while entertaining a restless baby. Olivia was not there and it hurts. Someone had posted on the support group a story of thanking God for the thorns in our lives and it was the most needed post, for me, that I have seen in awhile. I will not paste the entire story but the best quote was at the end.
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."
This Thanksgiving, I am thanking God for bringing Olivia into our lives. Although there is more pain through this journey than I ever imagined I would have to bear, I would not trade her or what I have become for anything. I am thankful for my wonderful husband who has taken the brunt of the depressing holiday feelings. I am thankful for my healthy living children, Makayla and Hannah, who have kept us going every single day!
On a happier note, we put up our tree last night and the spirit of Christmas is alive in our household!
We were planning on having our families over to our house on Thanksgiving. Last weekend I allowed all negativity to set in and decided we were not having Thanksgiving at our house and I did not plan on attending dinner anywhere. I know that sounds incredibly negative, because it is. I decided that I would not be sitting at a table with my brother, who is in no position to be having a child but has a healthy one on the way. I was not going to sit and pretend that I am happy and avoid talking about my daughter because it makes people uncomfortable, no matter how supportive they can be. I was just depressed. I was reminded by a family member that I have so much to be thankful for. Excuse me? Yes I am well aware of how much I have to be thankful for but that DOES NOT take away my pain from the last year!!
With all of that said, I was content with the idea of staying home and avoiding any sign of Thanksgiving. Greg and I both probably would have if we did not have Makayla and Hannah pushing us forward and I thank God they are here. Greg's family agreed to host dinner with just 3 days notice. Our families came together once again and when the day actually arrived, the bitterness went away. I still sat at the dinner table imagining a high chair with a chubby little 6 month old or not even getting to sit with everyone else while entertaining a restless baby. Olivia was not there and it hurts. Someone had posted on the support group a story of thanking God for the thorns in our lives and it was the most needed post, for me, that I have seen in awhile. I will not paste the entire story but the best quote was at the end.
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."
This Thanksgiving, I am thanking God for bringing Olivia into our lives. Although there is more pain through this journey than I ever imagined I would have to bear, I would not trade her or what I have become for anything. I am thankful for my wonderful husband who has taken the brunt of the depressing holiday feelings. I am thankful for my healthy living children, Makayla and Hannah, who have kept us going every single day!
On a happier note, we put up our tree last night and the spirit of Christmas is alive in our household!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Six Months
"Grief is exhausting, and grieving your children is more exhausting. It's the job you didn't sign up or apply for and the job you can't quit...." ~Unknown~
This quote was posted on the Baby Loss Mommas facebook page this week, and it was definitely a week for me to see it. This last week has been by far the most difficult since the beginning of losing Olivia. It came as a huge surprise to me, not that any month has been "easy," 6 months has hit me like a ton of bricks.
I went back to the feelings of how cheated we all are. Greg and I will never have the chance to watch our 3rd daughter grow up. I watch Makayla and Hannah play and my mind drifts to how well Olivia would have blended right in. The girls look and play with other babies, they would be wonderful big sisters. Instead, they tell random cashiers and waiters that their sister is in heaven. I am so glad they do not feel the same need to hold back that I do so often.
It seems as if my grieving process has restarted all over again. Olivia died and there is no timeline on this grief, everytime I think things are going smoothly it all comes flooding back again. I have had a very difficult time finding time to just deal with my grief. I know that it is okay for my kids to see me cry but that is not the life I want for them so I push it back. I do not have a long commute to and from work to be alone with my thoughts or feelings. It seems as if I have to write time into my schedule to cry because it is just not convenient.
I am not looking forward to the next month and a half. I love holidays but I face each one knowing that part of our family is missing. We are also getting closer to the date we found out that we could love and nurture the life growing inside of me but we would not be bringing our baby home. I am not very eloquent today for an ending but please keep our family in prayers for this holiday season as we are keeping your families in ours!
This quote was posted on the Baby Loss Mommas facebook page this week, and it was definitely a week for me to see it. This last week has been by far the most difficult since the beginning of losing Olivia. It came as a huge surprise to me, not that any month has been "easy," 6 months has hit me like a ton of bricks.
I went back to the feelings of how cheated we all are. Greg and I will never have the chance to watch our 3rd daughter grow up. I watch Makayla and Hannah play and my mind drifts to how well Olivia would have blended right in. The girls look and play with other babies, they would be wonderful big sisters. Instead, they tell random cashiers and waiters that their sister is in heaven. I am so glad they do not feel the same need to hold back that I do so often.
It seems as if my grieving process has restarted all over again. Olivia died and there is no timeline on this grief, everytime I think things are going smoothly it all comes flooding back again. I have had a very difficult time finding time to just deal with my grief. I know that it is okay for my kids to see me cry but that is not the life I want for them so I push it back. I do not have a long commute to and from work to be alone with my thoughts or feelings. It seems as if I have to write time into my schedule to cry because it is just not convenient.
I am not looking forward to the next month and a half. I love holidays but I face each one knowing that part of our family is missing. We are also getting closer to the date we found out that we could love and nurture the life growing inside of me but we would not be bringing our baby home. I am not very eloquent today for an ending but please keep our family in prayers for this holiday season as we are keeping your families in ours!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
In God's Hands - The Rochesters
This song was shared with me through facebook. Thank you Allison for introducing it to me!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Losing weight after losing a baby
Along with the numerous issues that come with losing a child, losing weight has been a struggle for me. I knew that I would have weight to lose after having Olivia, just like my first 2 pregnancies, but I had no idea the emotional toll the extra weight would be.
I have a degree in exercise, I love to exercise and I work in a gym. So what's the problem? I have been working on trying to figure that out the last 4 months. After giving birth to Makayla, most of the weight just fell off. I exercised up until the day before being induced. Then I became pregnant with Hannah when Makayla was just a couple of months old so the idea of getting back into shape was on the backburner. Then just 12 1/2 short months after having my first child, Hannah came along. That girl ate like a champ and I never even had to worry about my weight (until she quit breastfeeding :P) I did not breastfeed Makayla, I tried but did not succeed. I never knew that it would be the missing link for weight loss, I'm sure it helped that I was doing my internship and blasting out over 100 squats per day.
Before giving birth to Olivia, I thought I would hit the gym full force as quickly as possible. I would exercise morning, noon and night to shed any evidence that I had ever been pregnant. At least when you are carting around a newborn, anything short of a pregnant belly looks skinny, this time I had no visual excuse for my muffin top. The first two weeks after giving birth, I had lost just over 20 pounds......and I stopped there. I have maintained exercising regularly but the motivation for that extra push was hard to find. The exercise burn that I used to crave was gone. I did not want to hurt more, the hurt inside was so intense and I did not want to hurt on the outside too.
I was also angry that I could not breastfeed the weight away. I thought I would try to pump and donate milk, through that I would be doing something good for another baby and I would burn some extra calories. That became a chore, I pumped just enough to keep myself from becoming engorged and hoarded the milk. I thought "This milk should be for my baby and if she cannot have it, no baby can!" I know how selfish that seems but I think I can allow myself some selfishness through this. I did not pump enough anyway to send into a milkbank so that milk eventually went bye bye.
I finally have reached the point in the last few weeks where I am ready to bust my booty back in shape. I am not sure what the new motivation is but I am done having no confidence in my body. I do not mean the physical appearance. What I mean is, my body failed me, I was supposed to be able to carry a healthy child and that did not happen. I am extremely excited to see what I can achieve, I have lost weight and toned my body before, I know I can do it again.
If any of my fellow BLM's have felt the same way or struggled to lose the weight, let me know what worked for you (or what did not work!) I plan to update my blog with this new journey, this should be extra motivation since I would rather say I dropped a pant size instead of "I just tore up 4 cookies!"
1 Corintians 6: 19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
I have a degree in exercise, I love to exercise and I work in a gym. So what's the problem? I have been working on trying to figure that out the last 4 months. After giving birth to Makayla, most of the weight just fell off. I exercised up until the day before being induced. Then I became pregnant with Hannah when Makayla was just a couple of months old so the idea of getting back into shape was on the backburner. Then just 12 1/2 short months after having my first child, Hannah came along. That girl ate like a champ and I never even had to worry about my weight (until she quit breastfeeding :P) I did not breastfeed Makayla, I tried but did not succeed. I never knew that it would be the missing link for weight loss, I'm sure it helped that I was doing my internship and blasting out over 100 squats per day.
Before giving birth to Olivia, I thought I would hit the gym full force as quickly as possible. I would exercise morning, noon and night to shed any evidence that I had ever been pregnant. At least when you are carting around a newborn, anything short of a pregnant belly looks skinny, this time I had no visual excuse for my muffin top. The first two weeks after giving birth, I had lost just over 20 pounds......and I stopped there. I have maintained exercising regularly but the motivation for that extra push was hard to find. The exercise burn that I used to crave was gone. I did not want to hurt more, the hurt inside was so intense and I did not want to hurt on the outside too.
I was also angry that I could not breastfeed the weight away. I thought I would try to pump and donate milk, through that I would be doing something good for another baby and I would burn some extra calories. That became a chore, I pumped just enough to keep myself from becoming engorged and hoarded the milk. I thought "This milk should be for my baby and if she cannot have it, no baby can!" I know how selfish that seems but I think I can allow myself some selfishness through this. I did not pump enough anyway to send into a milkbank so that milk eventually went bye bye.
I finally have reached the point in the last few weeks where I am ready to bust my booty back in shape. I am not sure what the new motivation is but I am done having no confidence in my body. I do not mean the physical appearance. What I mean is, my body failed me, I was supposed to be able to carry a healthy child and that did not happen. I am extremely excited to see what I can achieve, I have lost weight and toned my body before, I know I can do it again.
If any of my fellow BLM's have felt the same way or struggled to lose the weight, let me know what worked for you (or what did not work!) I plan to update my blog with this new journey, this should be extra motivation since I would rather say I dropped a pant size instead of "I just tore up 4 cookies!"
1 Corintians 6: 19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Acceptance
I have been wanting to type this post for over a week now but waited to make sure I would still feel the same way. Something changed in the last couple of weeks. I am no longer in that fog that surrounded me for so many months. I did not even fully realize how off I had been from myself. I am so thankful we are picture freaks because it helps me to remember how much fun we really had this summer.
I feel as if I have come to accept what happened to our lives, to our sweet little baby. It still hurts but I no longer think of it as what should have been. What should have happenen did happen. This is definitely not what I would have chosen for my life but God allowed this to happen and both Greg and I have grown beyond measure. When I begin to have my wishful thinking, I think of how it could have been with Olivia. I see sweet little baby girls that are about 5 months and my eyes linger a little longer. I do not want those babies, I want my baby but I enjoy seeing what stage she would have been at if she were still with us. My heart is longing for a baby but we will wait to see what God has in store for us. We have already learned that our timeline is much different from God's timeline.
Do not confuse this with me being "over it." I do not see how any parent could possibly fully get past burying their own child. I have had a peace through this whole process but it is as if the peace has moved me even further. As a parent, we want to raise children who make a difference in the world, children who change lives and impact people around them. Olivia's life outside of my womb was 58 minutes which may seem insignificant to some. In the short time she was with us she changed our world and our lives, she has made a difference to her parents, her life mattered. Aside from the obvious, what more could we ask for?
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
I have shared this verse before and probably will 100 more times but I love it. It has ministered to me so many times, I have continuously spoken about the peace we have felt through this process. I truly believe that God provides peace beyond understanding, I could have never walked this path alone and I am so grateful for the promise that God will never leave us alone.
I feel as if I have come to accept what happened to our lives, to our sweet little baby. It still hurts but I no longer think of it as what should have been. What should have happenen did happen. This is definitely not what I would have chosen for my life but God allowed this to happen and both Greg and I have grown beyond measure. When I begin to have my wishful thinking, I think of how it could have been with Olivia. I see sweet little baby girls that are about 5 months and my eyes linger a little longer. I do not want those babies, I want my baby but I enjoy seeing what stage she would have been at if she were still with us. My heart is longing for a baby but we will wait to see what God has in store for us. We have already learned that our timeline is much different from God's timeline.
Do not confuse this with me being "over it." I do not see how any parent could possibly fully get past burying their own child. I have had a peace through this whole process but it is as if the peace has moved me even further. As a parent, we want to raise children who make a difference in the world, children who change lives and impact people around them. Olivia's life outside of my womb was 58 minutes which may seem insignificant to some. In the short time she was with us she changed our world and our lives, she has made a difference to her parents, her life mattered. Aside from the obvious, what more could we ask for?
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
I have shared this verse before and probably will 100 more times but I love it. It has ministered to me so many times, I have continuously spoken about the peace we have felt through this process. I truly believe that God provides peace beyond understanding, I could have never walked this path alone and I am so grateful for the promise that God will never leave us alone.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Blog Award
Thanks Kara for including me in this blog award! Your blog is a beautiful and loving tribute to your beautiful Karrine!
The rules for this award are as follows:
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.
(although it's okay with me if you don't pass the award on - I know we're all busy!)
I have chosen to honor the following blogs of fellow baby loss parents:
1. Baby Jack-Brad and Sarah Lundell
2.Eli's Valley-Jennifer Hill
3.Emma and Connor's Page-Mom Sarah
4. Isabella Grace- Mary Smith
5. Olivia Kathleen & Harper Mae- Daphne Freeman
6. Carried Through Grief- Stephanie
7. Haas Family Blessings- Holly Haas
8. Amelia Grace- Melissa Lorang
9. Lilly Elizabeth- Elena Strode
10. Our Angel Ella- Penny
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