Sunday, October 10, 2010


I have been wanting to type this post for over a week now but waited to make sure I would still feel the same way. Something changed in the last couple of weeks. I am no longer in that fog that surrounded me for so many months. I did not even fully realize how off I had been from myself. I am so thankful we are picture freaks because it helps me to remember how much fun we really had this summer.

I feel as if I have come to accept what happened to our lives, to our sweet little baby. It still hurts but I no longer think of it as what should have been. What should have happenen did happen. This is definitely not what I would have chosen for my life but God allowed this to happen and both Greg and I have grown beyond measure. When I begin to have my wishful thinking, I think of how it could have been with Olivia. I see sweet little baby girls that are about 5 months and my eyes linger a little longer. I do not want those babies, I want my baby but I enjoy seeing what stage she would have been at if she were still with us. My heart is longing for a baby but we will wait to see what God has in store for us. We have already learned that our timeline is much different from God's timeline.

Do not confuse this with me being "over it." I do not see how any parent could possibly fully get past burying their own child. I have had a peace through this whole process but it is as if the peace has moved me even further. As a parent, we want to raise children who make a difference in the world, children who change lives and impact people around them. Olivia's life outside of my womb was 58 minutes which may seem insignificant to some. In the short time she was with us she changed our world and our lives, she has made a difference to her parents, her life mattered. Aside from the obvious, what more could we ask for?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I have shared this verse before and probably will 100 more times but I love it. It has ministered to me so many times, I have continuously spoken about the peace we have felt through this process. I truly believe that God provides peace beyond understanding, I could have never walked this path alone and I am so grateful for the promise that God will never leave us alone.


  1. I love this post! Thank you for opening your heart up and sharing this. I too am so thankful for the promise in John 14:27. xoxo

  2. Praying for you too Cynthia as you approach the 5 month mark and also I am guessing the anniversary of finding out out you were expecting Olivia. I pray we each can find some smiles through the tears remembering the hopes and dreams we held for our girls when we were so blissfully unaware and naive. Big HUGS!

  3. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

    While I read your post this verse came to mind. Sending big hugs your way!

  4. I'm glad that you have reached a place of acceptance. We all come to it in our own time and it def doesn't mean you are over it.

  5. Beautifully written...I am with Holly...time does change our grief, but acceptance does not mean we forget. I just wanted you to know that you won the memorial ribbon on my blog. Please email me your address so that I can ship it ASAP (sufficientgraceministries@gmail(dot)com)