Two months ago today, I was back home after giving birth to Olivia in the middle of the night. Normally, after having a baby, you are in the hospital for a day or two. You are fed, checked on at all hours and your baby is brought back and forth from the nursery. When your baby dies, it is a whole different experience. You are released a few hours later, empty handed. Not only do you not get the extra relaxation time (not that I wanted to stay there), you get the sad looks from some and others who just drop their heads and look the other way. I put on makeup before leaving the hospital and did not cry much there. Yes, every minute ripped my heart out but I did not want extra hugs or "I'm so sorry," I just wanted to go home.
Now I am home, I enjoy my time with my husband and kids but still wonder what it would be like with a baby. At 2 months Olivia should be laughing, cooing, pushing up. I try not to think about what I am missing out on, it will not bring her back and it does not make me feel better. The last few days have been unusually difficult. I cannot pinpoint what exactly is bothering me, not that I need to explain it away. My baby died and it sucks.
Yesterday at church, Greg and I were sitting alone waiting for church to start and I started crying. Not a noticeable crying, I am not a fan of being emotional in public (not anything wrong with people who are, it's just not me). If I were home I would have completely broken down though. I was in the bathroom before the service, washing my hands when a mom came in looking stressed with her baby carrier. She was going to change her daughters diaper, the baby was probably about a month old. I did fine with that until a woman said "I just love seeing you young mothers with your babies!" There I stand, completely left out of the "new baby club." I gave birth to a daughter I love so much and I cannot show her off with pink headbands and pretty dresses. I can carry her in my heart but that is not enough! I want my baby, and just like every other time I say this, I know it can never happen. Taking birth control daily is not helping me. I have an everyday reminder that I am trying to prevent a pregnancy even though everything inside of me is yearning for a baby!
Today we went to find a headstone. I have not been able to commit to looking for one, but I think we found the one today. It is a heart design, the lady from the monument company is sending outlines via e-mail of what it will look like with the wording on it. We decided we will have the flower holder installed so that maybe our flowers will not get mowed down! I was dreading doing this, up until we went looking. The first place we went, the prices were way higher for very plain headstones. The second place had beautiful stones for less than the first place and the woman working walked us right through everything. It was nice to have some guidance because we have never went headstone shopping and all I knew was what I did not want, and no ideas for what to look for.
I am hoping that getting through today, past the 2 month milestone will get me out of this mood I am in. It is such a downer feeling that, thankfully, I have not had to experience much but when it comes, it hits hard!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Crying kind of day
I have no idea what hit me this afternoon, I just started crying. There was no trigger for it, my day has been going great, I guess I just needed a good cry. So, I just cried until I felt that I was done and it felt good. Just yesterday I received an e-mail from a friend with the title "Go Ahead and Cry." The message is long so I will just take a few quotes from what was spoken by Dave Wilkerson.
"When you hurt the worst—go to your secret closet and weep out all your despair!.....Jesus never looks away from a crying heart. He said, "A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise" (Psalm 51:17). Not once will the Lord say, "Get hold of yourself! Stand up and take your medicine! Grit your teeth and dry your tears." No! Jesus stores every tear in his eternal container.
Do you hurt? Badly? Then go ahead and cry! And keep on crying, until the tears stop flowing. But let those tears originate only from hurt—and not from unbelief or self-pity.
Life goes on. You would be surprised how much you can bear with God helping you. Happiness is not living without pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.
Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you can't see any way out of your dilemma—lie back in the arms of Jesus and simply trust him. He wants your faith—your confidence. He wants you to cry aloud—"Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail me! He is working it all out right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! God is on my side! I love him—and he loves me!"
The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17)"
"When you hurt the worst—go to your secret closet and weep out all your despair!.....Jesus never looks away from a crying heart. He said, "A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise" (Psalm 51:17). Not once will the Lord say, "Get hold of yourself! Stand up and take your medicine! Grit your teeth and dry your tears." No! Jesus stores every tear in his eternal container.
Do you hurt? Badly? Then go ahead and cry! And keep on crying, until the tears stop flowing. But let those tears originate only from hurt—and not from unbelief or self-pity.
Life goes on. You would be surprised how much you can bear with God helping you. Happiness is not living without pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.
Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you can't see any way out of your dilemma—lie back in the arms of Jesus and simply trust him. He wants your faith—your confidence. He wants you to cry aloud—"Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail me! He is working it all out right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! God is on my side! I love him—and he loves me!"
The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17)"
new name in the sand
Here it is again! Penny's sister Lorrie wrote our angels name in the sand. I don't think I will ever get tired of seeing these pictures! Thank you Lorrie!!!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My girls
I absolutely love that our girls can talk to Greg and I about Olivia without worrying what we will do or say. Yesterday, while making lunch, Makayla simply asked "Did Olivia die?" We were not talking about anything, it was just a quiet, calm time in our house (very rare!). I just told her "yes." There is not beating around the bush with them, they are not afraid of talking about death or heaven. Hannah asks about Olivia in heaven, she wants to know what she is doing. We talk about how much fun she is having and happy she is. She asked me "is Olivia not sad anymore?" Through this, I have the opportunity to tell her there is no sadness in heaven, just happiness and joy. What a wonderful place to be and our daughters at just 3 and 4 years old understand, they just get it! Just knowing that my beautiful little baby is there makes the idea of heaven that much sweeter.
When we were out yesterday Makayla wanted to drive by the cemetery to check on Olivia's flowers. She does not want to get out of the car usually but loves to drive by. The landscapers had knocked over the flowers when mowing and broke the little plastic vases. I was pretty upset for a minute and then decided that it really was not worth the anger and decided I would just have to get more! We do alot of checking on the flowers, there have been bad storms but each time we go to the cemetery, all of the flowers are intact. It's just comforting to know that even though we cannot physically take care of our baby, there is something we can do to "take care of her."
This morning Makayla came downstairs with a dress from their closet and asked if it was supposed to be for Olivia. I told her no, that was hers, Olivia will never need new dresses. She began asking what Olivia wore went she went to heaven. I explained the simple white cotton dress with little flowers that she would be wearing forever. What she is wearing in heaven, I have absolutely no idea, but her earthly body will be forever dressed in that tiny little dress.
Since she had more questions the 3 of us went to my room and pulled out what we had from the hospital. Unintentionally, I had not looked at her stuff after the first day of being home. A couple of times I had pulled out her handprints and footprints but left everything else alone. I showed them the little dress that she had worn, her hospital bracelets, her blanket and her little hat. We looked at her handprints and footprints again and her birth certificate. Both girls felt everything, smelled her stuff and just loved seeing each item.
I just love being able to talk about Olivia with my girls without reservation. It's never a sad time. To them, they love to talk about her, ask questions and do not worry about bringing up an awkward situation. It is wonderful to know that even though Olivia is not here with us now, she will always be one of my girls.
When we were out yesterday Makayla wanted to drive by the cemetery to check on Olivia's flowers. She does not want to get out of the car usually but loves to drive by. The landscapers had knocked over the flowers when mowing and broke the little plastic vases. I was pretty upset for a minute and then decided that it really was not worth the anger and decided I would just have to get more! We do alot of checking on the flowers, there have been bad storms but each time we go to the cemetery, all of the flowers are intact. It's just comforting to know that even though we cannot physically take care of our baby, there is something we can do to "take care of her."
This morning Makayla came downstairs with a dress from their closet and asked if it was supposed to be for Olivia. I told her no, that was hers, Olivia will never need new dresses. She began asking what Olivia wore went she went to heaven. I explained the simple white cotton dress with little flowers that she would be wearing forever. What she is wearing in heaven, I have absolutely no idea, but her earthly body will be forever dressed in that tiny little dress.
Since she had more questions the 3 of us went to my room and pulled out what we had from the hospital. Unintentionally, I had not looked at her stuff after the first day of being home. A couple of times I had pulled out her handprints and footprints but left everything else alone. I showed them the little dress that she had worn, her hospital bracelets, her blanket and her little hat. We looked at her handprints and footprints again and her birth certificate. Both girls felt everything, smelled her stuff and just loved seeing each item.
I just love being able to talk about Olivia with my girls without reservation. It's never a sad time. To them, they love to talk about her, ask questions and do not worry about bringing up an awkward situation. It is wonderful to know that even though Olivia is not here with us now, she will always be one of my girls.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Name in the sand
I had a nice surprise this evening when checking my e-mail. A blogger friend Penny offered to take pictures with our angel's name(and many others)written in the sand.
Thank you so much Penny, I just love seeing Olivia's name written out!
Thank you so much Penny, I just love seeing Olivia's name written out!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Due date- letter to Olivia
Olivia,
Today is your due date, the date that was planned to change our lives forever. I remember when I found out I was pregnant last October, I was so excited but it seemed to be a million years away. Little did I know, I would want time to slow down. Rather than wishing my time away, I began wishing for more time with you. Don't get me wrong, I hate being pregnant but would have stayed pregnant forever just to keep you with me.
You have changed our lives, changed our family. We were a happy family before but you have taught your Daddy and me how to love and care more deeply than before. You will always be a part of us, a part of this family. Your sisters are so proud of being your sister. This morning Makayla wanted me to come look at something that was yours. She showed me a plant that had been given in your honor, to help us remember you. She just sat there and smiled at it. Hannah is always telling people, "I have a baby sister, but she is in heaven." I have a feeling that when she is old and gray and it is her turn to enter the gates of heaven, you will be the first person she comes running to!
Today you would have been 6 weeks old. You would be starting to smile at us, oh I can only imagine the joy that would bring to us right now. I wonder so much what you are like in heaven. Did you stay a baby? Are you being rocked by angels and cradled in the arms of Jesus? Are you in your permanent glorified heavenly body, free from any birth defect that kept you from growing here on earth? I just cannot imagine how free and happy you must feel, never having to suffer the pain of this world!
I went to the cemetery today to visit your grave. Grass is starting to grow over the dirt, a sign of new life in a place that should be so dead. It is so peaceful, one side of you has others that have passed. To the left there is a field of corn that gently blowing from the wind. Behind is a wide open field of grass that has not been dug up yet. I know that it is just your body there but I have comfort when I go there alone.
I cannot say or think enough how much I would love to hold you, rock you and comfort your cries. Since I cannot have you with me, I cannot imagine a greater place for you, knowing you are safe in the arms of the Lord.
I love you Olivia and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
Today is your due date, the date that was planned to change our lives forever. I remember when I found out I was pregnant last October, I was so excited but it seemed to be a million years away. Little did I know, I would want time to slow down. Rather than wishing my time away, I began wishing for more time with you. Don't get me wrong, I hate being pregnant but would have stayed pregnant forever just to keep you with me.
You have changed our lives, changed our family. We were a happy family before but you have taught your Daddy and me how to love and care more deeply than before. You will always be a part of us, a part of this family. Your sisters are so proud of being your sister. This morning Makayla wanted me to come look at something that was yours. She showed me a plant that had been given in your honor, to help us remember you. She just sat there and smiled at it. Hannah is always telling people, "I have a baby sister, but she is in heaven." I have a feeling that when she is old and gray and it is her turn to enter the gates of heaven, you will be the first person she comes running to!
Today you would have been 6 weeks old. You would be starting to smile at us, oh I can only imagine the joy that would bring to us right now. I wonder so much what you are like in heaven. Did you stay a baby? Are you being rocked by angels and cradled in the arms of Jesus? Are you in your permanent glorified heavenly body, free from any birth defect that kept you from growing here on earth? I just cannot imagine how free and happy you must feel, never having to suffer the pain of this world!
I went to the cemetery today to visit your grave. Grass is starting to grow over the dirt, a sign of new life in a place that should be so dead. It is so peaceful, one side of you has others that have passed. To the left there is a field of corn that gently blowing from the wind. Behind is a wide open field of grass that has not been dug up yet. I know that it is just your body there but I have comfort when I go there alone.
I cannot say or think enough how much I would love to hold you, rock you and comfort your cries. Since I cannot have you with me, I cannot imagine a greater place for you, knowing you are safe in the arms of the Lord.
I love you Olivia and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Social Security Card
In the mail today we received Olivia's social security card. I knew I would be getting it and wondered at times how long it would take to come. It's such a strange feeling. It did not make me depressed, I did tear up a little bit but mostly, I just stared at it for a long time.
I cannot fully explain how getting her social security card made me feel. It makes it more real for knowing that she was here, her life has been recognized by someone other than her parents, family and friends. It is so awesome to see her name written by someone other than me. I did not need a piece of paper to see that her life was recognized or validated by the government. I just cannot fully explain it. I know she had a life, 58 minutes was a lifetime for her. I was able to see her name, written out, a permanent record that she was here.
To me her life was so much more than that time after her birth, I had 34 weeks with her. I watched my belly grow as she grew inside me, I felt her kick and watched her roll around as she became bigger, she was living up her mommy and me time! I miss her, I miss the movements, I would even take the heartburn back just to feel her again. I never knew how strongly and deeply I was capable of loving until Olivia came into our lives. I know how precious life is, I have felt such a deep loss that has made me so much more aware of the wonderful husband and daughters that I have. We received a book in the mail this week "Lift Up Thine Eyes," a book donated from businesses in the community when you lose a loved one. One quote that stood out immediately was "Those who truly love will say that they have found in sorrow a new joy, a joy which only the broken-hearted can know." (W. Graham Scroggie) There is a new joy in our family, yes we still have our arguments and the girls have their tantrums but the way we approached them has changed. I would love nothing more than to have Olivia here with us right now, buying baby dresses, hauling around a pink carseat, packing 20 diapers for a 10 minute trip to the grocery store. I know I cannot have that with her and while sometimes it hurts so bad, I am so blessed to have learned from her life. Because of Olivia, I am a better wife and mother than I ever knew I could be.
Below is Natalie Grant's Held, thanks Yolanda for posting it yesterday! It is a song that has been present throughout this journey!
I cannot fully explain how getting her social security card made me feel. It makes it more real for knowing that she was here, her life has been recognized by someone other than her parents, family and friends. It is so awesome to see her name written by someone other than me. I did not need a piece of paper to see that her life was recognized or validated by the government. I just cannot fully explain it. I know she had a life, 58 minutes was a lifetime for her. I was able to see her name, written out, a permanent record that she was here.
To me her life was so much more than that time after her birth, I had 34 weeks with her. I watched my belly grow as she grew inside me, I felt her kick and watched her roll around as she became bigger, she was living up her mommy and me time! I miss her, I miss the movements, I would even take the heartburn back just to feel her again. I never knew how strongly and deeply I was capable of loving until Olivia came into our lives. I know how precious life is, I have felt such a deep loss that has made me so much more aware of the wonderful husband and daughters that I have. We received a book in the mail this week "Lift Up Thine Eyes," a book donated from businesses in the community when you lose a loved one. One quote that stood out immediately was "Those who truly love will say that they have found in sorrow a new joy, a joy which only the broken-hearted can know." (W. Graham Scroggie) There is a new joy in our family, yes we still have our arguments and the girls have their tantrums but the way we approached them has changed. I would love nothing more than to have Olivia here with us right now, buying baby dresses, hauling around a pink carseat, packing 20 diapers for a 10 minute trip to the grocery store. I know I cannot have that with her and while sometimes it hurts so bad, I am so blessed to have learned from her life. Because of Olivia, I am a better wife and mother than I ever knew I could be.
Below is Natalie Grant's Held, thanks Yolanda for posting it yesterday! It is a song that has been present throughout this journey!
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