Monday, July 12, 2010

two months

Two months ago today, I was back home after giving birth to Olivia in the middle of the night. Normally, after having a baby, you are in the hospital for a day or two. You are fed, checked on at all hours and your baby is brought back and forth from the nursery. When your baby dies, it is a whole different experience. You are released a few hours later, empty handed. Not only do you not get the extra relaxation time (not that I wanted to stay there), you get the sad looks from some and others who just drop their heads and look the other way. I put on makeup before leaving the hospital and did not cry much there. Yes, every minute ripped my heart out but I did not want extra hugs or "I'm so sorry," I just wanted to go home.

Now I am home, I enjoy my time with my husband and kids but still wonder what it would be like with a baby. At 2 months Olivia should be laughing, cooing, pushing up. I try not to think about what I am missing out on, it will not bring her back and it does not make me feel better. The last few days have been unusually difficult. I cannot pinpoint what exactly is bothering me, not that I need to explain it away. My baby died and it sucks.

Yesterday at church, Greg and I were sitting alone waiting for church to start and I started crying. Not a noticeable crying, I am not a fan of being emotional in public (not anything wrong with people who are, it's just not me). If I were home I would have completely broken down though. I was in the bathroom before the service, washing my hands when a mom came in looking stressed with her baby carrier. She was going to change her daughters diaper, the baby was probably about a month old. I did fine with that until a woman said "I just love seeing you young mothers with your babies!" There I stand, completely left out of the "new baby club." I gave birth to a daughter I love so much and I cannot show her off with pink headbands and pretty dresses. I can carry her in my heart but that is not enough! I want my baby, and just like every other time I say this, I know it can never happen. Taking birth control daily is not helping me. I have an everyday reminder that I am trying to prevent a pregnancy even though everything inside of me is yearning for a baby!

Today we went to find a headstone. I have not been able to commit to looking for one, but I think we found the one today. It is a heart design, the lady from the monument company is sending outlines via e-mail of what it will look like with the wording on it. We decided we will have the flower holder installed so that maybe our flowers will not get mowed down! I was dreading doing this, up until we went looking. The first place we went, the prices were way higher for very plain headstones. The second place had beautiful stones for less than the first place and the woman working walked us right through everything. It was nice to have some guidance because we have never went headstone shopping and all I knew was what I did not want, and no ideas for what to look for.

I am hoping that getting through today, past the 2 month milestone will get me out of this mood I am in. It is such a downer feeling that, thankfully, I have not had to experience much but when it comes, it hits hard!


  1. I am sending you tons of virtual hugs and love!

  2. I am thinking about you and praying for you. The day we went to pick out Eli's marker was so difficult. It was not supposed to be this way. The two month mark for me was more difficult than the one month mark. It is alright to cry. You not only have after pregnancy hormones, you lost your child. Love and hugs along with many prayers tonight!

  3. ((((HUGS))) I am sure you will pick the perfect marker for Olivia. I am the same way with you with emotional outburts in public, so not me, lol. For some reason church, where I can get the most comfort is also the place I feel like crying the most. Oh and wanted to let you know I will have something in the mail for you in a couple days, sorry it has taken so long but had to special order it for you.

  4. Thinking of you! I hope you love the marker and layout you ending up choosing.
    Some of the things people say have a way of adding an extra sting to the pain we bear.(Who would think it would be possible to feel worse!?!) I'm so sorry.

  5. Hugs to you. I am right there with you on being emotional in public. Not that there is anything wrong with it, just like you, its not me either. I'm not comfortable doing it.

    The milestones are always the hardest for me as well as the holidays.

    many many hugs

  6. I wish you didn't have to pick out a marker but I know whatever you pick out will be beautiful and perfect for Olivia.

    It's hard sometimes not to think what you're missing out on.