Tonight I was moved to tears upon reading a post on Facebook. Normally I skim through most, some emotional, some not and really not put much thought into them. I skimmed past one posted by Sufficient Grace Ministries and did a double take, scrolled back up and began crying when I read this:
"Just receive another prayer request from a dear momma who lost her precious son and then had 3 miscarriages. She is currently expecting. Will you join us in lifting her in prayer and the sweet baby being knit together in her womb? Every precious life matters to God, and He hears our prayers for these moms and their little ones. Praying Psalm 139:13-14 for her: "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made". Please pray for comfort, strength, and peace for her and health for her and her sweet little one. Thank you...your prayers mean so much!!"
There have been many times that I have felt so blessed to have found such a wonderful community of women who share in the pain of childloss. I found found a family of friends, most of whom I will never meet but still talk about them as if our kids have playdates together. We have cried together, laughed together, celebrated new life while others have had to say goodbye to more of their babies. Without this community, I know that I would not have been able to face many firsts. The first time I held a newborn baby after losing Olivia, I came home and typed through tears and they understood. When I became pregnant with Claire, those women were among the first to know. All of the feelings, hurts, grief, frustrations, my heart was poured out to them and they truly understood. I am forever thankful that we live in a time that has allowed me to connect with other women in this way.
Other times I hate it. I genuinely wish that I would have never had to enter this world. I have intentionally distanced myself from groups and blogs because it hurts. Some days I just wish I could forget, not Olivia, but the emptiness of her not being here. The sad reality of this is that it never ends. I have reached a point where my good days far outnumber the bad but my God, what I wouldn't give to hold my baby one more time. And for that, these groups are a constant reminder.
Then I came across that post today and it reminded me of the beauty of this journey. We, as women...as people, can put our differences aside. We surround each other with love, prayer and encouragement. We can come together and pray for this woman and so many others that so badly want that "take home baby." I don't know all of their stories or their struggles but I can connect to the pain. Please pray tonight for these women who have endured so much suffering. Pray that they will be blessed with that miracle of a perfect, healthy baby that can help heal their hearts.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Yep, this happened to me (Posted on wrong blog!)
It has been a strange week of reminders that we did actually lose a baby. I do not know how to say it clearly but there are times that I just sit back and think "wow, that really did happen to our family!"
Makayla has been learning math sentences and writing out math problems from a story at school. One day this week she was saying different scenarios and adding them together and they went something like this:
"If Mommy had one baby and then had another baby then she had two babies."
"If Mommy had two babies then had another baby and that baby died, then she still has 2 babies.....right mommy?"
And this is the reality for my sweet little 6 year old. She has really tried since she was 3 to wrap her head around this reality we are all forced to deal with.
I found myself looking at a picture of a family with 4 kids and thought of how great it looked. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an issue with an odd number of children. I know that in my heart I have 4 children, I have carried 4 babies and held them all in my arms. I can hardly look at pictures of our family of 5. I have a picture on our wall of the 5 of us from when Claire was just a couple of months old and have probably looked at it a handful of times. In fact, I only look at it when I am pointing out to people how fat I look in it. Anyway, got off subject a little bit! I so badly want another baby to "even up" our family, Greg is not against this but he says that even with another baby we will always feel like one is missing. I know that and I'm not thinking of a "replacement baby" but I cry every time I think about Claire growing up without her sister that is close in age :(
My other reminder was tonight. I was reading a story about a baby that had died shortly after she was born. I was looking at the pictures of this beautiful little girl with no sign of defect to be seen. I had the same feeling of disconnect that I had to these situations before Olivia's diagnosis. I was reading and thinking that it would be horrible to have a baby, hold her and then just have her gone one day. Then suddenly a hard lump that I just couldn't swallow popped up in my throat. My disconnection from it all was gone and once again I was feeling compassion. I also am that mother that knows the pain of saying goodbye too soon.
Although I am typing this about specifics, I do think of her everyday pretty much continually. I can't explain it but I know my fellow BLM's understand.
Makayla has been learning math sentences and writing out math problems from a story at school. One day this week she was saying different scenarios and adding them together and they went something like this:
"If Mommy had one baby and then had another baby then she had two babies."
"If Mommy had two babies then had another baby and that baby died, then she still has 2 babies.....right mommy?"
And this is the reality for my sweet little 6 year old. She has really tried since she was 3 to wrap her head around this reality we are all forced to deal with.
I found myself looking at a picture of a family with 4 kids and thought of how great it looked. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an issue with an odd number of children. I know that in my heart I have 4 children, I have carried 4 babies and held them all in my arms. I can hardly look at pictures of our family of 5. I have a picture on our wall of the 5 of us from when Claire was just a couple of months old and have probably looked at it a handful of times. In fact, I only look at it when I am pointing out to people how fat I look in it. Anyway, got off subject a little bit! I so badly want another baby to "even up" our family, Greg is not against this but he says that even with another baby we will always feel like one is missing. I know that and I'm not thinking of a "replacement baby" but I cry every time I think about Claire growing up without her sister that is close in age :(
My other reminder was tonight. I was reading a story about a baby that had died shortly after she was born. I was looking at the pictures of this beautiful little girl with no sign of defect to be seen. I had the same feeling of disconnect that I had to these situations before Olivia's diagnosis. I was reading and thinking that it would be horrible to have a baby, hold her and then just have her gone one day. Then suddenly a hard lump that I just couldn't swallow popped up in my throat. My disconnection from it all was gone and once again I was feeling compassion. I also am that mother that knows the pain of saying goodbye too soon.
Although I am typing this about specifics, I do think of her everyday pretty much continually. I can't explain it but I know my fellow BLM's understand.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I should be sleeping....
Why is it that everytime I get upset about something, it makes me miss Olivia so much more? Even if what I am upset or hurt about has absolutely nothing to do with her or any of our children?
I think part of it is thinking of how the "old me" would have handled the situation. It's not something I'm proud of, not that I was a bad person or mean spirited, just did not think much before I spoke. I knew the power of words but did not care if they could sting someone to their core just so that I could feel better for awhile.
I always have to weigh in the "new me" and remind myself that our family did not go through this, or any of our pain, in vain. My life has been reshaped from that point on. It would be a disservice to the testimony of our lives to fly off the handle and react emotionally, just because I feel like it.
***sigh*** This really has nothing to do with Olivia but when I feel like this I think the devil is playing on my insecurities, "it would all be better, if only.....your baby didn't die...." IF she didn't die we would...[fill in the blank]...we would not _________. I cannot even fill in the blanks because having her here would not change most circumstances, in reality I know I react better because of her, but it always comes full circle to this in my mind.
Tonight I am laying my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and not allowing those terrible thoughts, doubts and insecurities to affect myself or my family. I'm letting it go, knowing that I will feel tons better about it in the morning!!
I think part of it is thinking of how the "old me" would have handled the situation. It's not something I'm proud of, not that I was a bad person or mean spirited, just did not think much before I spoke. I knew the power of words but did not care if they could sting someone to their core just so that I could feel better for awhile.
I always have to weigh in the "new me" and remind myself that our family did not go through this, or any of our pain, in vain. My life has been reshaped from that point on. It would be a disservice to the testimony of our lives to fly off the handle and react emotionally, just because I feel like it.
***sigh*** This really has nothing to do with Olivia but when I feel like this I think the devil is playing on my insecurities, "it would all be better, if only.....your baby didn't die...." IF she didn't die we would...[fill in the blank]...we would not _________. I cannot even fill in the blanks because having her here would not change most circumstances, in reality I know I react better because of her, but it always comes full circle to this in my mind.
Tonight I am laying my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and not allowing those terrible thoughts, doubts and insecurities to affect myself or my family. I'm letting it go, knowing that I will feel tons better about it in the morning!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
PTSD?
It has been awhile since I have posted on here and I honestly have not even felt like it. I am so glad winter is over, I would get the winter blues before Olivia but after her....whoa!!! The darkness settles back in and while I try to fight it, it usually overpowers me no matter how happy I am. Thank God for spring and sunshine to renew myself or I might lose my mind!
I wanted to give an update on something I had struggled with from the time I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Claire until she was about 6 months old. If this is new news to you and you are close to me, it's because I chose to keep it inside for far too long. Even my husband was unaware of this until mid-Janurary (5 months after it began). Although I never had it officially diagnosed, I was suffering from what I believe was a form of PTSD. It started during the L&D of Claire. The labor itself was not bad but when it came time to push I panicked, big time! The last time that I pushed out a baby, I had watched Olivia's lifeless body, waiting for the doctor to tell me if she was alive or dead and it all came flooding back at that very moment. It did not help that my doctor was not at all supportive. I had the same doctor deliver the first 3 girls but this one was new and she was in a pissy mood and not at all afraid to show it in the delivery room.
Obviously I made it through the delivery and I was fine the rest of the time I was in the hospital. Not long after going home I began to have very vivid flashes of Olivia's delivery several times a day. It would come flooding in at any given time with no known trigger.
I would also see Claire as Olivia was while she was still with us. I knew that it was a different baby but the bottom half of their faces are identical. Olivia's tongue was also swollen and filled up her mouth, it just happens that it was the exact same way Claire would hold her mouth while sleeping. When I would walk into a room and she was sleeping I would flash right back to Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love to think about my daughter but these were so far out of my control. I love to remember holding her while she was still alive and taking a nap with her in my arms after she had passed. Painfully, I can only recall one memory of me kissing my sweet Olivia although Greg said I did alot.
I hesitate to use the term PTSD for several reasons. I never told my doctor, I was too embarrassed and there is no diagnosis. I only viewed it as something soldiers had when returning from war and I never felt violent or suicidal because of it, just torn apart. Once I finally told Greg it was as if the stronghold was let go. I shared this with a few others but I never was too vocal or open about it because I felt like I was crazy because of it.
Around the time Claire turned 6 months the flashes stopped. I was finally healing enough from my pelvic pain to walk and was capable of starting some exercises again. I also would push those visions out and force the wonderful ones that I did have with her. It was not easy, the traumatic moments are just as real as the wonderful ones, it is all part of the beauty of choosing to carry a baby with a fatal diagnosis.
Looking back, I wish I would have sought out counseling rather than be tortured so long but I am glad that is over. I still miss her every single day, that will never go away but the joy her brief life has brought us will also remain with us always!
I wanted to give an update on something I had struggled with from the time I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Claire until she was about 6 months old. If this is new news to you and you are close to me, it's because I chose to keep it inside for far too long. Even my husband was unaware of this until mid-Janurary (5 months after it began). Although I never had it officially diagnosed, I was suffering from what I believe was a form of PTSD. It started during the L&D of Claire. The labor itself was not bad but when it came time to push I panicked, big time! The last time that I pushed out a baby, I had watched Olivia's lifeless body, waiting for the doctor to tell me if she was alive or dead and it all came flooding back at that very moment. It did not help that my doctor was not at all supportive. I had the same doctor deliver the first 3 girls but this one was new and she was in a pissy mood and not at all afraid to show it in the delivery room.
Obviously I made it through the delivery and I was fine the rest of the time I was in the hospital. Not long after going home I began to have very vivid flashes of Olivia's delivery several times a day. It would come flooding in at any given time with no known trigger.
I would also see Claire as Olivia was while she was still with us. I knew that it was a different baby but the bottom half of their faces are identical. Olivia's tongue was also swollen and filled up her mouth, it just happens that it was the exact same way Claire would hold her mouth while sleeping. When I would walk into a room and she was sleeping I would flash right back to Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love to think about my daughter but these were so far out of my control. I love to remember holding her while she was still alive and taking a nap with her in my arms after she had passed. Painfully, I can only recall one memory of me kissing my sweet Olivia although Greg said I did alot.
I hesitate to use the term PTSD for several reasons. I never told my doctor, I was too embarrassed and there is no diagnosis. I only viewed it as something soldiers had when returning from war and I never felt violent or suicidal because of it, just torn apart. Once I finally told Greg it was as if the stronghold was let go. I shared this with a few others but I never was too vocal or open about it because I felt like I was crazy because of it.
Around the time Claire turned 6 months the flashes stopped. I was finally healing enough from my pelvic pain to walk and was capable of starting some exercises again. I also would push those visions out and force the wonderful ones that I did have with her. It was not easy, the traumatic moments are just as real as the wonderful ones, it is all part of the beauty of choosing to carry a baby with a fatal diagnosis.
Looking back, I wish I would have sought out counseling rather than be tortured so long but I am glad that is over. I still miss her every single day, that will never go away but the joy her brief life has brought us will also remain with us always!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Birth Certificate
One of the last things I needed to do was pick up Olivia's birth certificate from the Circuit Clerks office. I was dreading this, and I mean DREADING! Only because I had heard of other BLM's getting the birth certificate with DECEASED stamped across it and lets face it, no mother wants to see that. I do not know if it varies by state, another BLM from Illinois said that her son's certificate did not have "deceased" on it but I worried about it anyway.
I had been in that office to get Hannah and Makayla's certificates for school and avoided getting Olivia's. I had to go in to pick up Claire's and decided to get Olivia's also. To my surprise and absolute joy, this was not printed or stamped across it! I was so happy I could have cried. It is just like our other girls' birth records and I will be putting it with theirs rather than with Olivia's stuff. For a short time, she was one of "us" and always be one of "the girls" :)
So now I have it, ready to be put away when I am tired of looking at it (and smiling). CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH, just another glimpse of her life with us. Almost 2 years after she was born I finally have it but I did not have a copy of Makayla's until she was 5....I'm ahead of my own timeframe :)
I had been in that office to get Hannah and Makayla's certificates for school and avoided getting Olivia's. I had to go in to pick up Claire's and decided to get Olivia's also. To my surprise and absolute joy, this was not printed or stamped across it! I was so happy I could have cried. It is just like our other girls' birth records and I will be putting it with theirs rather than with Olivia's stuff. For a short time, she was one of "us" and always be one of "the girls" :)
So now I have it, ready to be put away when I am tired of looking at it (and smiling). CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH, just another glimpse of her life with us. Almost 2 years after she was born I finally have it but I did not have a copy of Makayla's until she was 5....I'm ahead of my own timeframe :)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Broken
I heard this song for the first time a few months ago, I'm surprised I had not heard it sooner. Maybe I did though and never really paid attention, either way, it's amazing and I think most people can relate to this at some point. You will have to pause the player on the sidebar to keep 2 songs from playing at once.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Makayla's Sentences
I was going through Makayla's folder before heading to bed and almost missed her sentences on the back of her school papers. The kindergarten has been working on sentences so they practice on the back of their worksheets when they finish. It was so sweet and sad at the same time......
"My sistr is four. My next sistr is one. My last sistr is zero."
I have never talked to the teacher about Olivia but she has clearly seen me with just 2 other kids during pickup. I just wonder how much Makayla has told her, I'm sure she has probably heard it all.
"My sistr is four. My next sistr is one. My last sistr is zero."
I have never talked to the teacher about Olivia but she has clearly seen me with just 2 other kids during pickup. I just wonder how much Makayla has told her, I'm sure she has probably heard it all.
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