As much as I try to avoid the emotions that come along with approaching yet another birthday, we are down to the week of again. I'll probably be posting a lot on here this week because I am trying to sort through all of the feelings/emotions that come along with hitting another milestone without my daughter here.
May 12th we will be celebrating Olivia's 3rd birthday. I type through tears as I think about all the other 3 year olds that are celebrating their birthdays now. They are all talking, really talking and conversating! And potty trained, my most dreaded mothering task! There are times that I cannot picture having her in the middle of our girls but really, now, I can.
I was setting up a toddler bed tonight for Claire and it broke my heart. I was looking at the crib on one side and the bed on the other side of Claire's room. It should have been there all along. I wish I was trying to figure out how to squeeze another bed in our small house instead of arranging 2 groups of girls that seems like it was planned to be this way.
UGH, subject change, but if one more person refers to this current pregnancy as our "4th girl," I may scream. I correct 99% of people when this occurs, most of them well aware of our daughter that died. We have our 4th girl, this one on the way, is our 5th. Although it may be uncomfortable each and every time I take the time to say it, it is far more difficult to deal with the feeling it gives me to just not acknowledge Olivia's place in our family.
Truthfully, I am looking forward to getting past this week. I expect each birthday to get easier. The "normal" times are so much easier but each milestone breaks my heart more and more. I hate getting further and further from the last time Olivia was here, growing inside me....further from holding her in my arms. I'll end my depressing post for the night, I don't see this getting much better as my week goes on so I'll save the rest for another day!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Kids are Funny
I wasn't sure where to share this one but as inappropriate as it may seem, it hit my funny bone today. This morning we were all at home, enjoying a lazy Saturday morning.
Claire was wandering around the house and Greg asked "where's your baby sister?"
Both big girls said "I don't know."
We told them to go look for her and Hannah responds, very seriously and with a 'you have got to be kidding me look', "I don't have to, she's in heaven."
I waited until she walked away and laughed...a lot! Why on earth she would think we meant Olivia, I have no clue!! In case you were wondering, Claire (the sister we meant!) was playing in her room.
Claire was wandering around the house and Greg asked "where's your baby sister?"
Both big girls said "I don't know."
We told them to go look for her and Hannah responds, very seriously and with a 'you have got to be kidding me look', "I don't have to, she's in heaven."
I waited until she walked away and laughed...a lot! Why on earth she would think we meant Olivia, I have no clue!! In case you were wondering, Claire (the sister we meant!) was playing in her room.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
SIGH!
This is in every way a "poor me" post. I am posting on here rather than forcing the Facebook world to read about my hormonal, grief filled sadness. I know I will be ok tomorrow and I will not want random people walking up to me and knowing all my business unless they came here to read it.
I'm not sure what happened today but it is a definitely and cry my eyes out kind of night. I really don't have much to say, just missing my baby. I really allowed myself to get into that funk of what my life could have been.
I just wish I could go back to May 12, 2010 for just awhile to hold Olivia in my arms again. My body still aches for her when I go there, I don't allow myself to think too much anymore about my grief. I think of her in almost every moment, just as I would the other 3 girls but I cannot dwell on it or I feel like I do tonight.
Even though we are just a couple of months from her 3rd birthday, I still have not quite figured out how to make sense of this life after loss. I do the best I can for my husband and girls, we do still live a busy normal life but it does not feel right. I changed when I had to bury my baby and I still do not know what my life should look like on this side of it.
*SIGH* I wish I had the words to say, I feel like I've said it all before. Right now I am thanking God for Lifetime movies that can help me get all of those tears out!!! Like I said, tomorrow I will be fine, tonight I just needed to let it all out and I already feel a tiny bit better.
I'm not sure what happened today but it is a definitely and cry my eyes out kind of night. I really don't have much to say, just missing my baby. I really allowed myself to get into that funk of what my life could have been.
I just wish I could go back to May 12, 2010 for just awhile to hold Olivia in my arms again. My body still aches for her when I go there, I don't allow myself to think too much anymore about my grief. I think of her in almost every moment, just as I would the other 3 girls but I cannot dwell on it or I feel like I do tonight.
Even though we are just a couple of months from her 3rd birthday, I still have not quite figured out how to make sense of this life after loss. I do the best I can for my husband and girls, we do still live a busy normal life but it does not feel right. I changed when I had to bury my baby and I still do not know what my life should look like on this side of it.
*SIGH* I wish I had the words to say, I feel like I've said it all before. Right now I am thanking God for Lifetime movies that can help me get all of those tears out!!! Like I said, tomorrow I will be fine, tonight I just needed to let it all out and I already feel a tiny bit better.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
This Community
Tonight I was moved to tears upon reading a post on Facebook. Normally I skim through most, some emotional, some not and really not put much thought into them. I skimmed past one posted by Sufficient Grace Ministries and did a double take, scrolled back up and began crying when I read this:
"Just receive another prayer request from a dear momma who lost her precious son and then had 3 miscarriages. She is currently expecting. Will you join us in lifting her in prayer and the sweet baby being knit together in her womb? Every precious life matters to God, and He hears our prayers for these moms and their little ones. Praying Psalm 139:13-14 for her: "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made". Please pray for comfort, strength, and peace for her and health for her and her sweet little one. Thank you...your prayers mean so much!!"
There have been many times that I have felt so blessed to have found such a wonderful community of women who share in the pain of childloss. I found found a family of friends, most of whom I will never meet but still talk about them as if our kids have playdates together. We have cried together, laughed together, celebrated new life while others have had to say goodbye to more of their babies. Without this community, I know that I would not have been able to face many firsts. The first time I held a newborn baby after losing Olivia, I came home and typed through tears and they understood. When I became pregnant with Claire, those women were among the first to know. All of the feelings, hurts, grief, frustrations, my heart was poured out to them and they truly understood. I am forever thankful that we live in a time that has allowed me to connect with other women in this way.
Other times I hate it. I genuinely wish that I would have never had to enter this world. I have intentionally distanced myself from groups and blogs because it hurts. Some days I just wish I could forget, not Olivia, but the emptiness of her not being here. The sad reality of this is that it never ends. I have reached a point where my good days far outnumber the bad but my God, what I wouldn't give to hold my baby one more time. And for that, these groups are a constant reminder.
Then I came across that post today and it reminded me of the beauty of this journey. We, as women...as people, can put our differences aside. We surround each other with love, prayer and encouragement. We can come together and pray for this woman and so many others that so badly want that "take home baby." I don't know all of their stories or their struggles but I can connect to the pain. Please pray tonight for these women who have endured so much suffering. Pray that they will be blessed with that miracle of a perfect, healthy baby that can help heal their hearts.
"Just receive another prayer request from a dear momma who lost her precious son and then had 3 miscarriages. She is currently expecting. Will you join us in lifting her in prayer and the sweet baby being knit together in her womb? Every precious life matters to God, and He hears our prayers for these moms and their little ones. Praying Psalm 139:13-14 for her: "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made". Please pray for comfort, strength, and peace for her and health for her and her sweet little one. Thank you...your prayers mean so much!!"
There have been many times that I have felt so blessed to have found such a wonderful community of women who share in the pain of childloss. I found found a family of friends, most of whom I will never meet but still talk about them as if our kids have playdates together. We have cried together, laughed together, celebrated new life while others have had to say goodbye to more of their babies. Without this community, I know that I would not have been able to face many firsts. The first time I held a newborn baby after losing Olivia, I came home and typed through tears and they understood. When I became pregnant with Claire, those women were among the first to know. All of the feelings, hurts, grief, frustrations, my heart was poured out to them and they truly understood. I am forever thankful that we live in a time that has allowed me to connect with other women in this way.
Other times I hate it. I genuinely wish that I would have never had to enter this world. I have intentionally distanced myself from groups and blogs because it hurts. Some days I just wish I could forget, not Olivia, but the emptiness of her not being here. The sad reality of this is that it never ends. I have reached a point where my good days far outnumber the bad but my God, what I wouldn't give to hold my baby one more time. And for that, these groups are a constant reminder.
Then I came across that post today and it reminded me of the beauty of this journey. We, as women...as people, can put our differences aside. We surround each other with love, prayer and encouragement. We can come together and pray for this woman and so many others that so badly want that "take home baby." I don't know all of their stories or their struggles but I can connect to the pain. Please pray tonight for these women who have endured so much suffering. Pray that they will be blessed with that miracle of a perfect, healthy baby that can help heal their hearts.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Yep, this happened to me (Posted on wrong blog!)
It has been a strange week of reminders that we did actually lose a baby. I do not know how to say it clearly but there are times that I just sit back and think "wow, that really did happen to our family!"
Makayla has been learning math sentences and writing out math problems from a story at school. One day this week she was saying different scenarios and adding them together and they went something like this:
"If Mommy had one baby and then had another baby then she had two babies."
"If Mommy had two babies then had another baby and that baby died, then she still has 2 babies.....right mommy?"
And this is the reality for my sweet little 6 year old. She has really tried since she was 3 to wrap her head around this reality we are all forced to deal with.
I found myself looking at a picture of a family with 4 kids and thought of how great it looked. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an issue with an odd number of children. I know that in my heart I have 4 children, I have carried 4 babies and held them all in my arms. I can hardly look at pictures of our family of 5. I have a picture on our wall of the 5 of us from when Claire was just a couple of months old and have probably looked at it a handful of times. In fact, I only look at it when I am pointing out to people how fat I look in it. Anyway, got off subject a little bit! I so badly want another baby to "even up" our family, Greg is not against this but he says that even with another baby we will always feel like one is missing. I know that and I'm not thinking of a "replacement baby" but I cry every time I think about Claire growing up without her sister that is close in age :(
My other reminder was tonight. I was reading a story about a baby that had died shortly after she was born. I was looking at the pictures of this beautiful little girl with no sign of defect to be seen. I had the same feeling of disconnect that I had to these situations before Olivia's diagnosis. I was reading and thinking that it would be horrible to have a baby, hold her and then just have her gone one day. Then suddenly a hard lump that I just couldn't swallow popped up in my throat. My disconnection from it all was gone and once again I was feeling compassion. I also am that mother that knows the pain of saying goodbye too soon.
Although I am typing this about specifics, I do think of her everyday pretty much continually. I can't explain it but I know my fellow BLM's understand.
Makayla has been learning math sentences and writing out math problems from a story at school. One day this week she was saying different scenarios and adding them together and they went something like this:
"If Mommy had one baby and then had another baby then she had two babies."
"If Mommy had two babies then had another baby and that baby died, then she still has 2 babies.....right mommy?"
And this is the reality for my sweet little 6 year old. She has really tried since she was 3 to wrap her head around this reality we are all forced to deal with.
I found myself looking at a picture of a family with 4 kids and thought of how great it looked. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an issue with an odd number of children. I know that in my heart I have 4 children, I have carried 4 babies and held them all in my arms. I can hardly look at pictures of our family of 5. I have a picture on our wall of the 5 of us from when Claire was just a couple of months old and have probably looked at it a handful of times. In fact, I only look at it when I am pointing out to people how fat I look in it. Anyway, got off subject a little bit! I so badly want another baby to "even up" our family, Greg is not against this but he says that even with another baby we will always feel like one is missing. I know that and I'm not thinking of a "replacement baby" but I cry every time I think about Claire growing up without her sister that is close in age :(
My other reminder was tonight. I was reading a story about a baby that had died shortly after she was born. I was looking at the pictures of this beautiful little girl with no sign of defect to be seen. I had the same feeling of disconnect that I had to these situations before Olivia's diagnosis. I was reading and thinking that it would be horrible to have a baby, hold her and then just have her gone one day. Then suddenly a hard lump that I just couldn't swallow popped up in my throat. My disconnection from it all was gone and once again I was feeling compassion. I also am that mother that knows the pain of saying goodbye too soon.
Although I am typing this about specifics, I do think of her everyday pretty much continually. I can't explain it but I know my fellow BLM's understand.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I should be sleeping....
Why is it that everytime I get upset about something, it makes me miss Olivia so much more? Even if what I am upset or hurt about has absolutely nothing to do with her or any of our children?
I think part of it is thinking of how the "old me" would have handled the situation. It's not something I'm proud of, not that I was a bad person or mean spirited, just did not think much before I spoke. I knew the power of words but did not care if they could sting someone to their core just so that I could feel better for awhile.
I always have to weigh in the "new me" and remind myself that our family did not go through this, or any of our pain, in vain. My life has been reshaped from that point on. It would be a disservice to the testimony of our lives to fly off the handle and react emotionally, just because I feel like it.
***sigh*** This really has nothing to do with Olivia but when I feel like this I think the devil is playing on my insecurities, "it would all be better, if only.....your baby didn't die...." IF she didn't die we would...[fill in the blank]...we would not _________. I cannot even fill in the blanks because having her here would not change most circumstances, in reality I know I react better because of her, but it always comes full circle to this in my mind.
Tonight I am laying my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and not allowing those terrible thoughts, doubts and insecurities to affect myself or my family. I'm letting it go, knowing that I will feel tons better about it in the morning!!
I think part of it is thinking of how the "old me" would have handled the situation. It's not something I'm proud of, not that I was a bad person or mean spirited, just did not think much before I spoke. I knew the power of words but did not care if they could sting someone to their core just so that I could feel better for awhile.
I always have to weigh in the "new me" and remind myself that our family did not go through this, or any of our pain, in vain. My life has been reshaped from that point on. It would be a disservice to the testimony of our lives to fly off the handle and react emotionally, just because I feel like it.
***sigh*** This really has nothing to do with Olivia but when I feel like this I think the devil is playing on my insecurities, "it would all be better, if only.....your baby didn't die...." IF she didn't die we would...[fill in the blank]...we would not _________. I cannot even fill in the blanks because having her here would not change most circumstances, in reality I know I react better because of her, but it always comes full circle to this in my mind.
Tonight I am laying my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and not allowing those terrible thoughts, doubts and insecurities to affect myself or my family. I'm letting it go, knowing that I will feel tons better about it in the morning!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
PTSD?
It has been awhile since I have posted on here and I honestly have not even felt like it. I am so glad winter is over, I would get the winter blues before Olivia but after her....whoa!!! The darkness settles back in and while I try to fight it, it usually overpowers me no matter how happy I am. Thank God for spring and sunshine to renew myself or I might lose my mind!
I wanted to give an update on something I had struggled with from the time I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Claire until she was about 6 months old. If this is new news to you and you are close to me, it's because I chose to keep it inside for far too long. Even my husband was unaware of this until mid-Janurary (5 months after it began). Although I never had it officially diagnosed, I was suffering from what I believe was a form of PTSD. It started during the L&D of Claire. The labor itself was not bad but when it came time to push I panicked, big time! The last time that I pushed out a baby, I had watched Olivia's lifeless body, waiting for the doctor to tell me if she was alive or dead and it all came flooding back at that very moment. It did not help that my doctor was not at all supportive. I had the same doctor deliver the first 3 girls but this one was new and she was in a pissy mood and not at all afraid to show it in the delivery room.
Obviously I made it through the delivery and I was fine the rest of the time I was in the hospital. Not long after going home I began to have very vivid flashes of Olivia's delivery several times a day. It would come flooding in at any given time with no known trigger.
I would also see Claire as Olivia was while she was still with us. I knew that it was a different baby but the bottom half of their faces are identical. Olivia's tongue was also swollen and filled up her mouth, it just happens that it was the exact same way Claire would hold her mouth while sleeping. When I would walk into a room and she was sleeping I would flash right back to Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love to think about my daughter but these were so far out of my control. I love to remember holding her while she was still alive and taking a nap with her in my arms after she had passed. Painfully, I can only recall one memory of me kissing my sweet Olivia although Greg said I did alot.
I hesitate to use the term PTSD for several reasons. I never told my doctor, I was too embarrassed and there is no diagnosis. I only viewed it as something soldiers had when returning from war and I never felt violent or suicidal because of it, just torn apart. Once I finally told Greg it was as if the stronghold was let go. I shared this with a few others but I never was too vocal or open about it because I felt like I was crazy because of it.
Around the time Claire turned 6 months the flashes stopped. I was finally healing enough from my pelvic pain to walk and was capable of starting some exercises again. I also would push those visions out and force the wonderful ones that I did have with her. It was not easy, the traumatic moments are just as real as the wonderful ones, it is all part of the beauty of choosing to carry a baby with a fatal diagnosis.
Looking back, I wish I would have sought out counseling rather than be tortured so long but I am glad that is over. I still miss her every single day, that will never go away but the joy her brief life has brought us will also remain with us always!
I wanted to give an update on something I had struggled with from the time I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Claire until she was about 6 months old. If this is new news to you and you are close to me, it's because I chose to keep it inside for far too long. Even my husband was unaware of this until mid-Janurary (5 months after it began). Although I never had it officially diagnosed, I was suffering from what I believe was a form of PTSD. It started during the L&D of Claire. The labor itself was not bad but when it came time to push I panicked, big time! The last time that I pushed out a baby, I had watched Olivia's lifeless body, waiting for the doctor to tell me if she was alive or dead and it all came flooding back at that very moment. It did not help that my doctor was not at all supportive. I had the same doctor deliver the first 3 girls but this one was new and she was in a pissy mood and not at all afraid to show it in the delivery room.
Obviously I made it through the delivery and I was fine the rest of the time I was in the hospital. Not long after going home I began to have very vivid flashes of Olivia's delivery several times a day. It would come flooding in at any given time with no known trigger.
I would also see Claire as Olivia was while she was still with us. I knew that it was a different baby but the bottom half of their faces are identical. Olivia's tongue was also swollen and filled up her mouth, it just happens that it was the exact same way Claire would hold her mouth while sleeping. When I would walk into a room and she was sleeping I would flash right back to Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love to think about my daughter but these were so far out of my control. I love to remember holding her while she was still alive and taking a nap with her in my arms after she had passed. Painfully, I can only recall one memory of me kissing my sweet Olivia although Greg said I did alot.
I hesitate to use the term PTSD for several reasons. I never told my doctor, I was too embarrassed and there is no diagnosis. I only viewed it as something soldiers had when returning from war and I never felt violent or suicidal because of it, just torn apart. Once I finally told Greg it was as if the stronghold was let go. I shared this with a few others but I never was too vocal or open about it because I felt like I was crazy because of it.
Around the time Claire turned 6 months the flashes stopped. I was finally healing enough from my pelvic pain to walk and was capable of starting some exercises again. I also would push those visions out and force the wonderful ones that I did have with her. It was not easy, the traumatic moments are just as real as the wonderful ones, it is all part of the beauty of choosing to carry a baby with a fatal diagnosis.
Looking back, I wish I would have sought out counseling rather than be tortured so long but I am glad that is over. I still miss her every single day, that will never go away but the joy her brief life has brought us will also remain with us always!
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