Fear

About a week and a half ago, a Saturday night, I decided for some reason to pull out Olivia's things that we had brought home from the hospital. I had been sitting on the couch, feeling Claire move and I suddenly became terrified, remembering leaving the hospital without my baby. What if it all happened again? What if this baby grows and thrives and suddenly stops? I was consumed with fear and every movement was making it worse. I did not want to feel her move, at that moment I did not want to become attached to this little person that was not even fully developed. I was afraid of loving her and losing her too. The truth is though, it is too late to worry about becoming attached or loving her, we have loved her since she was just 2 pink lines on a stick.

So I pulled out Olivia's belongings and stared at the tiny little pile in front of me. We have a little pink outfit that she wore that the hospital gave us. We had taken two outfits, one was too big and the other she was buried in. There is a blanket that came with her outfit, the hat she wore, her hospital bracelets, the hospital birth certificate, the card with her information on it and her hand and foot prints. I just stared at her stuff thinking about how horrible it is to go into a hospital with so much life still growing inside, when she left the hospital in was in a body bag probably the size of a duffle bag.

I took a hot bath, which usually calms me down but I could not stop crying through the whole thing. The pain was as real as the day we found out Olivia would die, the nights we would lay in bed and wonder how we would get through it. As real as laying in the hospital bed waiting to deliver her and just praying that she would be born alive.

I had almost completely written off doing any Bible reading or devotion but decided it couldn't hurt me anymore than what I was already feeling. I'm not even sure it was the right day but the verse said "Do not be afraid, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:5)" Since the devotional I had opened was for couples, the extra stuff had nothing to do with how I was feeling so I went to that verse in the Bible. To my surprise, when I opened to Isaiah, the page I was going to was marked with the ribbon bookmark. I read the verse then went back to the beginning of the chapter and stopped when I read the 2nd verse:

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze(Isaiah 43:2)

I instantly knew that God had provided that verse for me to read that night. I laid in bed thinking about my biggest fear with this pregnancy, losing another baby. I decided I can either allow my fears to consume all the joy that this new life is bringing to our family or I can enjoy my baby now. I am choosing to enjoy this pregnancy, Claire is kicking the computer as I type! I do not know what will happen tomorrow but for today everything is good and I will be satisfied in knowing that even if the worst would happen, the waters will not sweep over me. Greg and I, along with too many other parents, have walked this road before. We all come through in the end because that is what we have to do and God provides the comfort and strength to allow us to move forward as many times as we need it.

It took about a week to push my fears out but each time I began to worry I thought of these two verses. Whatever fear I might have with our children, work, finances I remind myself of Isaiah 43:5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I know that I cannot navigate this life alone so now is not the time to start trying!

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I have posted on my blogs. Over four weeks since we have announced the expectany of baby #4 on our family blog. For some reason, it just seems more difficult to seperate the feelings of grief and the feelings of pregnancy but I think they might just have to coexist, they are both a part of me.

I am now 16 weeks and 3 days pregnant with this new little bundle which we are overjoyed about but also very guarded. We do know that this baby does not have anencephaly. This has been followed up with comments of "you must be so relieved now," "now you can start working on the nursery," "I bet you are hoping for a boy," and the list goes on and on of comments that I can respond to and really make an awkward situation.

"You must be so relieved." That's a loaded one, while I do feel relieved that this baby does not have anencephaly, I also am very aware that I have a long road before he/she is born and how many other things could go wrong before that. I almost feel as if I am doubting that God will bless us with another living child. I know that I am not, I just know that nothing in this life is gauranteed because we want it to happen or we "deserve" it. One bad outcome will not shield us from further pain this side of heaven, we are in a fallen world and there will be suffering even if we do not "deserve" it. So yes, while I am relieved, I continue to pray that this baby will be born healthy and our faith will not have to be tested again by losing another child.

That seems to roll right into the next comment "now you can start working on the nursery." Definitely not. I am not sure I will want to put it together before we bring the baby home quite honestly. Some days I am just ready to buy stuff and get started but most days I cannot imagine putting together a nursery just to come home empty handed again. In less than 4 weeks we will have another ultrasound to determine all other organs are fully functioning, rule out other NTDs and the GENDER. I am so excited to know, I am not a supporter of waiting till the baby comes out. Do not tell me it's the one last surprise in life, I am still surprised when I come home and Greg has cleaned up the house, I do not need to wait for a baby to come out for to be surprised. (No offense to others who prefer to wait, that is your decision, go you!) I think knowing the gender will help me move forward in preparing for this baby whatever it may be!

How appropriate to follow with my final comment, "I bet you are hoping for a boy." I know that nobody means anything by this but it stings every single time. This is the first time I can honestly say I do not care what this baby is as long as it is healthy. With Makayla and Hannah, I wanted girls, period. And I have my girls. With Olivia, I/we really wanted a boy, preferably twin boys but one would have been fine. Looking back, I would have taken 100 girls as long as they were all healthy and in my arms. I think it's about time to start buying some blue in our house but if pink is once again in our future, that will be perfect too. We have already picked a girl name, but cannot figure out a boy name (I have my boy name but Greg is not completely sold).

I'm not sure if this post is completely tied together but I have missed my blogger world and cannot wait to catch up with everyone. I have not forgotten you guys, I have just needed to step back for awhile.

I feel as if I should add that I am indeed excited for this pregnancy, it just comes with a whole new level of emotions when following the loss of Olivia. The due dates are about a month apart and the milestones almost fall together on the calendar. The reminders are there daily but I am sure they would be whether I was pregnant again or not.

First Christmas

With Christmas quickly approaching I thought I should do a quick post. This is going to be far from an emotional post since I am just not in that kind of a mood today, thank God!!!

Olivia would have been 7 months this Christmas, the same age as Makayla and Hannah for their first Christmas. Obviously we have a thing for May babies!! We decorated a Christmas tree for the cemetery and chose to not post pictures because it looks so tacky (smile). It's ok to laugh at that, the girls put their entire hearts into it! It was a small tree with a little package of decorations, the girls decided they wanted more decorations and it is now filled with giant snowflakes. We loved watching them work so hard and of course we told them it was beautiful.

I try to imagine what it would be like with a baby this Christmas and I honestly cannot picture it. I watch Makayla and Hannah bounce all over the place and enjoy that this is the first year they are REALLY into Christmas. They love it all, they love hearing the story of baby Jesus, they love that Santa is coming and the presents under the tree. This might be the funnest Christmas with the 2 of them that we have ever had.

Makayla's first Christmas

Hannah's first Christmas



Another mother, Shannon, who lost her daughter Skylar to anencephaly this year made an angel tree. She sent a picture of an Olivia ornament. Thank you again Shannon, I am always so grateful to "meet" other mothers who have suffered loss, we continue to remember our babies together.

December 11

Saturday, December 11th, marked the one year anniversary that we found out that our baby would not be coming home with us. It was a day that I allowed to pass without too much thought, the days leading up to it were difficult but we had Christmas parties that day so I pushed it to the back of my mind. The next day, all of the emotions from last year came flooding back.

December 11th will forever be remembered as the most significant day of my life. Before then, my life was going the way I wanted. Greg and I were better than ever, our girls were healthy and beautiful and we were expecting another baby. Life was great. The week before, my doctor scheduled an ultrasound because his heart rate monitor was broken. I remember him telling me, just like it was yesterday, "we'll get an ultrasound, then you can have pictures too." Little did I know that I would be walking out of that ultrasound with only one picture of her hand and have to make a decision that would change our lives forever.

Looking back through my posts I remember each heartache along the way. It still feels like part of our lives is missing. It is impossible to have a baby, go home empty handed then continue life as normal. There are reminders every day, I have just learned to live with them. In many ways my heart is healing. I do not know if it will ever fully heal but there have been blessings in our lives because of Olivia. I would love to say I would give up those blessings to have our daughter here with us but that is not the plan God had for her life or ours. One of the greatest blessings that has come out of the last year is Greg becoming a Christian. He always attended church with the girls and I, did his duty on Sunday morning then went on with his week. Over the last year, he has accepted Jesus as his Savior and his faith has grown immensely. I would love to say this would have happened even if Olivia was healthy but I cannot be sure of that. I have learned through this that faith grows during the darkest points of our lives.

Thanksgiving

I was hesitating to blog about how miserable the idea of holidays has been to be the last week or two but decided to anyway. As a general rule, I love to celebrate....well, anything. Holidays are no exception, until this year.

We were planning on having our families over to our house on Thanksgiving. Last weekend I allowed all negativity to set in and decided we were not having Thanksgiving at our house and I did not plan on attending dinner anywhere. I know that sounds incredibly negative, because it is. I decided that I would not be sitting at a table with my brother, who is in no position to be having a child but has a healthy one on the way. I was not going to sit and pretend that I am happy and avoid talking about my daughter because it makes people uncomfortable, no matter how supportive they can be. I was just depressed. I was reminded by a family member that I have so much to be thankful for. Excuse me? Yes I am well aware of how much I have to be thankful for but that DOES NOT take away my pain from the last year!!

With all of that said, I was content with the idea of staying home and avoiding any sign of Thanksgiving. Greg and I both probably would have if we did not have Makayla and Hannah pushing us forward and I thank God they are here. Greg's family agreed to host dinner with just 3 days notice. Our families came together once again and when the day actually arrived, the bitterness went away. I still sat at the dinner table imagining a high chair with a chubby little 6 month old or not even getting to sit with everyone else while entertaining a restless baby. Olivia was not there and it hurts. Someone had posted on the support group a story of thanking God for the thorns in our lives and it was the most needed post, for me, that I have seen in awhile. I will not paste the entire story but the best quote was at the end.
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."
This Thanksgiving, I am thanking God for bringing Olivia into our lives. Although there is more pain through this journey than I ever imagined I would have to bear, I would not trade her or what I have become for anything. I am thankful for my wonderful husband who has taken the brunt of the depressing holiday feelings. I am thankful for my healthy living children, Makayla and Hannah, who have kept us going every single day!



On a happier note, we put up our tree last night and the spirit of Christmas is alive in our household!

Six Months

"Grief is exhausting, and grieving your children is more exhausting. It's the job you didn't sign up or apply for and the job you can't quit...." ~Unknown~

This quote was posted on the Baby Loss Mommas facebook page this week, and it was definitely a week for me to see it. This last week has been by far the most difficult since the beginning of losing Olivia. It came as a huge surprise to me, not that any month has been "easy," 6 months has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I went back to the feelings of how cheated we all are. Greg and I will never have the chance to watch our 3rd daughter grow up. I watch Makayla and Hannah play and my mind drifts to how well Olivia would have blended right in. The girls look and play with other babies, they would be wonderful big sisters. Instead, they tell random cashiers and waiters that their sister is in heaven. I am so glad they do not feel the same need to hold back that I do so often.

It seems as if my grieving process has restarted all over again. Olivia died and there is no timeline on this grief, everytime I think things are going smoothly it all comes flooding back again. I have had a very difficult time finding time to just deal with my grief. I know that it is okay for my kids to see me cry but that is not the life I want for them so I push it back. I do not have a long commute to and from work to be alone with my thoughts or feelings. It seems as if I have to write time into my schedule to cry because it is just not convenient.

I am not looking forward to the next month and a half. I love holidays but I face each one knowing that part of our family is missing. We are also getting closer to the date we found out that we could love and nurture the life growing inside of me but we would not be bringing our baby home. I am not very eloquent today for an ending but please keep our family in prayers for this holiday season as we are keeping your families in ours!

In God's Hands - The Rochesters

This song was shared with me through facebook. Thank you Allison for introducing it to me!