Thursday, December 16, 2010

December 11

Saturday, December 11th, marked the one year anniversary that we found out that our baby would not be coming home with us. It was a day that I allowed to pass without too much thought, the days leading up to it were difficult but we had Christmas parties that day so I pushed it to the back of my mind. The next day, all of the emotions from last year came flooding back.

December 11th will forever be remembered as the most significant day of my life. Before then, my life was going the way I wanted. Greg and I were better than ever, our girls were healthy and beautiful and we were expecting another baby. Life was great. The week before, my doctor scheduled an ultrasound because his heart rate monitor was broken. I remember him telling me, just like it was yesterday, "we'll get an ultrasound, then you can have pictures too." Little did I know that I would be walking out of that ultrasound with only one picture of her hand and have to make a decision that would change our lives forever.

Looking back through my posts I remember each heartache along the way. It still feels like part of our lives is missing. It is impossible to have a baby, go home empty handed then continue life as normal. There are reminders every day, I have just learned to live with them. In many ways my heart is healing. I do not know if it will ever fully heal but there have been blessings in our lives because of Olivia. I would love to say I would give up those blessings to have our daughter here with us but that is not the plan God had for her life or ours. One of the greatest blessings that has come out of the last year is Greg becoming a Christian. He always attended church with the girls and I, did his duty on Sunday morning then went on with his week. Over the last year, he has accepted Jesus as his Savior and his faith has grown immensely. I would love to say this would have happened even if Olivia was healthy but I cannot be sure of that. I have learned through this that faith grows during the darkest points of our lives.

6 comments:

  1. That is wonderful about Greg being saved! So true about faith growing during the darkest points. I had put my relationship with God on the back burner for years, then with finding out about Isabella and the journey of the pregnancy and grieving process it has put it back up front where it belongs. I feel horrible that it took such a thing but I also look at it as one of the gifts Isabella gave to me, she gave me my faith back.

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  2. So true Cynthia - so painful but so true. Our faith has grown so much in the past year too. I was just thinking how we found out our girls' diagnosis' 2 days apart - me on the 9th and you on the 11th. And then they were born 2 days apart - on the 10th and the 12th. I hope they're friends in heaven - celebrating this Christmas together! HUGS!

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  4. Such a mixture of sorrow and joy in how our little girls impacted this world and then had to leave it...

    big hugs!

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  5. I did not know about Greg. That is a wonderful, wonderful thing! I know these days are so tough. They trigger such emotions. Thinking about you and praying for you! xoxo

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  6. D-Day can certainly be tough. ((hug)) Olivia's life has such great purpose and she is already doing so much. It is wonderful that her daddy came to know Jesus thru her.

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