I have debated on whether I should post about a close friend having her baby or not. I will not lie, that has urned out to be one of the more difficult parts of this journey. I decided to post for any other mothers that might be facing the same difficult situation.
A close friend of mine was due 7 weeks after my due date, 7 weeks ended up being almost exactly 3 months since I went into labor at 34 weeks. I'm sure using her name would be no issue but I will still use only R, just incase. Greg and I knew 2 other friends that were due during the same week as me and I still have only seen one of the babies once since they have given birth. I have had some obvious issues with seeing babies, either in a carseat or being passed around and gushed over since having Olivia. The friend that most recently had her baby, R, seemed initially to be the most difficult. She has 2 boys the same age as Makayla and Hannah and was due with a little girl. The week R was due, she was due on a Monday and did not have her daughter until Friday. That may have been the most difficult week I have experienced. Not only was my friend due with a baby girl, she lives across the street from me. I did not know how I would be able to handle looking across the street, seeing her with her 3 kids knowing that is exactly what our family should look like right now. Our baby girls should have grown up being friends just like our older kids. I spent every single night laying in bed miserable just thinking that I would not want to lose a friend but not sure I could be around her anymore (for awhile at least).
The day she was due to be induced, she ended up going into labor on her own early in the morning. I almost called into work but somehow I went to work that morning. I thought that it would be a good distraction and I wouldn't have to face looking across the street for additional reminders of what was happening that day. Before work I received a text saying the baby was born. Suprisingly that relieved some of the pressure by not having to wait and wonder when she would be done with labor and delivery. It was an usually quiet morning at work. Only one person was in the gym at one point, the woman was best friend's with R's mother in law. I just sat behind the computer dying inside as she talked on the phone with the mother in law, gushing about the new addition to the family. Talk about having the worst luck in the world! I got through the day and went home. Greg and I were going to a baseball game that night so it turned out to be a great distraction.
The next day I was still not sure if I should go to the hospital, I had a meeting early so I knew I would be going after lunch so I had time to figure it out. I decided to go to the hospital. Before going I just knew that I would not hold the baby or probably even look at her. Greg met with me and we went together. When we go into the room, it was just R and the baby. I looked at the baby and thought, "okay, not too bad for me." It did help that she was cute and I was curious. After a couple of minutes I asked to hold her. I did not cry, I did not see Olivia or have a flooding of memories. I saw their beautiful baby girl, she looks like their family, nothing like any of our girls. It was wonderful to hold her and just feel okay being around babies again. I think the most difficult part of the whole thing was when her husband and sons came back to the room. To see them together with 3 kids, the family of 5 that we should be, stung at first. That sting is gone, it is just part of life now. I get to visit and hold the baby, the kids get to play and I do not have to sit around dreading catching a glimpse of their baby. People tell me they do not know how I handle things, I handle them because I face what is in front of me. There is no turning back so I say a little prayer and just keep moving forward.
I am only typing about this incase you are faced with this situation or have had to face it yourself. I think had I not gone to the hospital I would have never known that I could be ok with it. No part of this journey is easy but it would have been horrible to lose a friend because of my fears. I really encourage seeing friends or family that have babies, I'm not saying it is easy at all but holding that baby did the opposite of what I had thought. There is always an excuse or escape story you can plan if you find yourself falling apart! (I did not need to use it but I had one!!)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Olivia's Name in Sand
A blogger friend, Jennifer, took a picture of Olivia's name in the sand. It was hidden in my mess of e-mail and I finally found it again! Thank you Jennifer, I love it!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Most days I feel like I am doing great. I know what I have lost and I will never get her back but I am so grateful for what I still have here. Then it all comes crashing down again. It could probably be contributed to finishing moving, going from 100 mph to having some down time.
I cannot explain the feeling the last 2 nights. I had the crushing reality once again that my baby is not with me. I layed in bed sobbing, unable to sleep. My arms were empty, I want my baby back. I NEED my baby in my arms, I need to be able to look into her room and see her sleeping peacefully. Instead I lay awake, alone with the aching for my child. I cannot explain the level of deep pain. I find myself looking at pictures of Olivia and wanting to hide them because it hurts so bad. Instead I keep them out and just deal with the pain. This is not how it is supposed to be. A mother without her child, and it happens more often than people know, more than people like to talk about it.
I think that in the 2 1/2 short months that we had lived in our house after losing Olivia, we had just become so accustomed to her belongings being around us. With moving, everything is packed and really looked at for the first time in awhile. For the first time in awhile I was also looking at the cribs broken down in the garage, the pink rocker that we had rocked Makayla and Hannah in. Just another harsh reality that they were never needed this time. I became very protetive of the few things we have of hers. I'm very upset that a couple of figurines were broken, they can be easily fixed since they were nice clean breaks but they were still broken.
We have a room that we are making into an office, I just shut the door half of the time, it should be Olivia's room. I don't want an office in there, I want a nursery. I would much rather try to find a place to set up our computer than have an empty crib stored above the garage.
Days like these are beyond miserable but I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this. I do not have to carry myself through this darkness, even though at times I forget or try to do it on my own. I just keep praying, thanking God for the family I have been blessed with and Him continuing to carry me through this grief.
I cannot explain the feeling the last 2 nights. I had the crushing reality once again that my baby is not with me. I layed in bed sobbing, unable to sleep. My arms were empty, I want my baby back. I NEED my baby in my arms, I need to be able to look into her room and see her sleeping peacefully. Instead I lay awake, alone with the aching for my child. I cannot explain the level of deep pain. I find myself looking at pictures of Olivia and wanting to hide them because it hurts so bad. Instead I keep them out and just deal with the pain. This is not how it is supposed to be. A mother without her child, and it happens more often than people know, more than people like to talk about it.
I think that in the 2 1/2 short months that we had lived in our house after losing Olivia, we had just become so accustomed to her belongings being around us. With moving, everything is packed and really looked at for the first time in awhile. For the first time in awhile I was also looking at the cribs broken down in the garage, the pink rocker that we had rocked Makayla and Hannah in. Just another harsh reality that they were never needed this time. I became very protetive of the few things we have of hers. I'm very upset that a couple of figurines were broken, they can be easily fixed since they were nice clean breaks but they were still broken.
We have a room that we are making into an office, I just shut the door half of the time, it should be Olivia's room. I don't want an office in there, I want a nursery. I would much rather try to find a place to set up our computer than have an empty crib stored above the garage.
Days like these are beyond miserable but I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this. I do not have to carry myself through this darkness, even though at times I forget or try to do it on my own. I just keep praying, thanking God for the family I have been blessed with and Him continuing to carry me through this grief.
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