Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My feelings up to 22 weeks

The night we found out Greg and I discussed how I did not want this to change my life. I knew that it would, no matter what choice was made but I still wanted to live, have joy and give the girls everything I could. I thought terminating the pregnancy was the best option to move on. Thankfully, I changed my mind from that. I would NEVER judge a mother who decided to terminate but I cannot thank God enough that I had enough time before seeing the specialist, enough time to help make the most difficult decision of my life. After meeting with our specialist, he took us to a desk, out in the open, and said we needed a list. The list he was referring to, with about 6 nurses standing around casually, no privacy to be had was a list of abortion clinics. Not only would I be terminating my pregnancy, I would have to sit in a waiting room with teenagers and women who did not WANT their children. Never in my life did I think I would be 26 years old, happily married and looking at a list of clinics that could rip my own child from my body. The child that we had planned, the child that I cried for each month that I started a period.

One of the first questions that I am asked when people find out is "did you have to carry the baby?" No, I did not. I could have aborted "safely" up to 24 weeks. I could not, under any circumstance imagine actually going through that process. To lay on a table and have my baby vacuumed out of me is absolutely nauseating. Like I have said before, I would NEVER judge a mother who chose that road. Unless you have been in those shoes, to even have to take that into consideration, there is no way to understand what they are going through.

So why do I continue this pregnancy? Aside from being scared of an abortion, I only have 9 months to give my daughter life. I have heard her heartbeat, I have felt her kicks. I am a mother, the baby growing inside of me is my daughter. Who am I to decide how long of a life she will have? If she makes it to term and she is born alive, I will have time with her. Time that I would never have a chance to have if I would have chosen to terminate. All I have to give her in her lifetime is the time inside of me. I will cherish these months, no matter how painful some days can be. Every flutter and every kick is so beautiful. I cry when she stops, I pray to God, please let her move more, I need to know that she is still alive! I look forward to the doctor appointments, never have I NEEDED to hear a heartbeat more than this one.

Tomorrow I will be 22 weeks pregnant. It has been 10 weeks since we have found out that if our baby is carried to term, makes it through delivery, she will die in our arms. I cannot even begin to express the pain that I carry daily. Never in my worst nightmares would I have guessed this would ever happen to me. Miscarriage seems painful enough but to find out 6 months before you give birth to your own child, that you will not get to bring her home. Right now I should be setting up a nursery, filling the closet with more pink clothes than any baby would ever need. Instead I spend my time on support groups with other mothers, ones that are going through the same horrific journey, others have already said their goodbyes. One of the most difficult things for me right now is trying to find that one outfit, most likely the only outfit she will ever wear. I look for it when I see baby clothes. So many adorable onesies and dresses, but none of them good enough. How do you pick out just one outfit when you are planning for your baby?


  1. In all of this madness I am thankful I have gained you as a friend. I think about you all the time. Even though we only talk online you are in my heart and always will be.


  2. Hi Cynthia,

    I just wanted to comment on the outfit. I understand what you are going through having been there myself recently losing our daughter Lilly to anencephaly. We didn't buy Lilly's outfit until the day after she went to be with God (by choice, we didn't plan her funeral until the moment we had to). I thought that I wouldn't find anything right either, but I found her dress, it was bright yellow and the dress just called to me. I think you will know when you see it. You are a very strong woman and I am sorry you are having to go through this journey. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

    love and prayers