December 12, 2009

The day after we found out, I woke up feeling completely empty. My neighbor, Lisa, came over early since Greg had to go into work. We talked about the day before. I was still convinced at that point that I could go through with an abortion.

I had a lunch already planned with a friend that day. She still did not know that I was pregnant so I got dressed, did my hair and makeup and was determined to have one last "normal" day before the sympathy looks started in. I was not sure I would even be able to walk out of my house, let alone drive across town and eat out in public. On the way to lunch I called Greg telling him I cannot do it, I just want to go inside and not see anyone, ever again.

My biggest fears in the beginning was giving up on my life, not being there for my girls, letting myself go. I knew that I could not do that to myself or my family so I drove on. I had a wonderful lunch, talked about my business, her business. Just really enjoyed being out. My father-in-law had pulled up to get gas at the gas station next door. I was so nervous he would see me or walk in, but he didn't so I went on with my day.

I went to my grandma's house after lunch. I had never been so happy to see my children as I was at that moment. What better way to really appreciate life and all that has been given to us than to see our girls just happy to see their mom and dad. I could have hugged them forever if they would have let me. We took them home that night, I did not want to be without them.

The next day was church, the word was starting to spread through the prayer chain. It was not clear to all people what was going on but most people knew there was something wrong with the baby (most people did not even know I was pregnant yet!) I used my children as shields. I LOVE that people care but absolutely cannot handle the look....the sympathy look. It does not make me want to cry but instead I put up an immediate wall. Could there be anything more awkward than somebody looking you in the eyes waiting for you to cry or breakdown? But we made it through that first week and we take everyday, one day at a time.

Every day I pray for strength and peace. I do not pray for a miracle. I would love nothing more than to give birth and find out that she is perfectly healthy, physically and mentally. I have to be realistic and realize that there is a greater chance for that to not happen. I pray for God to lead our lives by His will, whatever is for the good of us and our family will happen. It took a couple of weeks for the reality to set in. It was after our specialist appointment, still not right away. I almost felt guilty talking to my own husband about it, as if I were gossiping about someone else and their problems. But no, this time it as us. The kind of thing that only happens to other people, we have to learn to go on with our lives and deal with it.