I find myself wishing again that my baby girl was here with me. What else is new I guess? But tonight it is so much stronger for no huge reason but so many little ones at the same time.
It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life but the longing for her to be one of us is always lingering. I don't know how many more times I can hear "3 girls?" or "still trying for that boy?" before I scream. These comments are not meant to be hurtful, and most people would never think twice but it stings each and everytime. ****SIGH****
I just wish there was an end to this reality, one day I wake up and it never happened to me. I could wake up and get 4 little girls ready for the day, juggle 2 babies while making sure 2 big girls were making it to school, tumbling and cheer.
I had a great visit with my great grandpa this weekend. He is now in a nursing home about 40 minutes away so he will get the best care for his needs. He knows me, Greg and the girls, it's the details and timeline he seems to have the most problems with. His wife, my great grandma, died a couple of years ago. They were blessed with over 60 years of marriage, that's a standard I want to live up to :) In that time together, they had 3 living children and lost 3 also. I sat next to him on his bed while he talked about one baby they lost. A little boy, he talked about how that baby was big and about ready to go and they do not know why he passed away. I asked if it was ever something is he able to get past and he just said "no, no it's not." My great grandpa is 88 years old, he has carried the loss of these babies for over 60 years and still talks about it as if he were in the moment that it all happened.
Tonight I was reading the book "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heavven." Yes it was one of those nights, I needed the outlet and that book gets me everytime. The page that caught me and I reread many times was,
"Someday, Mommy, we will hold eachother tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair....and once again, our hearts will beat together."
As much as I crave to have all of that right now, all over again, I am so glad I had that...even for such a short time. I had her, here in my arms. I felt each and every kick. I heard her heartbeat and held back tears, taking it all in just knowing that she would not be mine forever. I held her in my arms and how perfect she felt. I even had a chance to stroke the little bit of hair, I did not expect her to have any but there was just enough at the base of her neck for me to remember. Just knowing how sweet those memories feel through all the ache and missing my little girl, how glorious it will be to have her in my arms once again. My earthly hopes and dreams are that she is small enough in heaven for me to hold and cradle her again. Until then, I will hold on to that little bit of time that she was all ours and how wonderful it felt.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" Revelation 21:4
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Where were you?
“Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and good-bye in the same day is worth all the sorrow.”
Where were you the day you were told your child would die? It sounds crazy but an unfortunate reality for many parents, some of which you might not even realize. If you have 3 or more children, imagine taking the 3rd child and completely erasing them from your family. The thought seems unimaginable. It sucks but we live with that every single day.
Most people have a significant event or day that defines who they are or how they continue their lives. December 11, 2009 was that day for us, D-Day (diagnosis day) in the baby loss community. Two years ago today, Greg and I woke up carefree parents, anticipating an ultrasound. We were going to see our little baby and confirm what we already knew, there was a life growing inside of me. We walked out of the doctor office completely changed. That little life growing inside of me changed how I viewed the world, my life and those around me. Every decision, every event and every milestone from that day on, somehow relates back to the instant we found out that our sweet baby was given a zero percent chance of survival.
There is nothing I would love more than to return to December 11, 2009 and change the outcome and view this as someone else's reality. I know I cannot do that. With that being said, I would walk this road all over again, just to have her as part of my life. Olivia's life is a constant reminder that this world is only temporary. Because of her I can look forward with anticipation, knowing the pain of this world is worth spending forever in His glory.
Where were you the day you were told your child would die? It sounds crazy but an unfortunate reality for many parents, some of which you might not even realize. If you have 3 or more children, imagine taking the 3rd child and completely erasing them from your family. The thought seems unimaginable. It sucks but we live with that every single day.
Most people have a significant event or day that defines who they are or how they continue their lives. December 11, 2009 was that day for us, D-Day (diagnosis day) in the baby loss community. Two years ago today, Greg and I woke up carefree parents, anticipating an ultrasound. We were going to see our little baby and confirm what we already knew, there was a life growing inside of me. We walked out of the doctor office completely changed. That little life growing inside of me changed how I viewed the world, my life and those around me. Every decision, every event and every milestone from that day on, somehow relates back to the instant we found out that our sweet baby was given a zero percent chance of survival.
There is nothing I would love more than to return to December 11, 2009 and change the outcome and view this as someone else's reality. I know I cannot do that. With that being said, I would walk this road all over again, just to have her as part of my life. Olivia's life is a constant reminder that this world is only temporary. Because of her I can look forward with anticipation, knowing the pain of this world is worth spending forever in His glory.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Poem
I was on the anencephaly group and one mother posted a poem that she had written. I do not know her but Tammy Hajdo, thank you for sharing this!
All I want for Christmas
"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me with a smile.
You don't really want to know.
I can see you're in denial.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me one more time.
There isn't anything I want.
Nothing will make me feel fine!
"What do you want for Christmas?"
Do you really want to know?...
I want my daughter here.
I want to watch her play in the snow.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
I can't believe you've asked again.
Ok. Hold onto your socks,
Here's my list. You want a pen?
I want my daughter here
in my arms where she belongs.
I want to hear her laugh and giggle
while I sing her favorite song.
I want to feel her arms hug me tight
while I kiss her sweet little head.
I want to smell her babyness, touch her hair,
and tuck her into bed.
I want to watch her sleep, watch her grow,
and hold her tight.
I want to hear her call me mommy
in the middle of the night.
I want to see my daughter's smile
and the twinkle in her eyes.
So you see there is nothing you could get me,
nothing that you could buy.
Please don't continue asking
for my answer will never change.
All I want for Christmas
is what Santa cannot bring!
written by Tammy Hajdo, mother to Jessica Marie
All I want for Christmas
"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me with a smile.
You don't really want to know.
I can see you're in denial.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me one more time.
There isn't anything I want.
Nothing will make me feel fine!
"What do you want for Christmas?"
Do you really want to know?...
I want my daughter here.
I want to watch her play in the snow.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
I can't believe you've asked again.
Ok. Hold onto your socks,
Here's my list. You want a pen?
I want my daughter here
in my arms where she belongs.
I want to hear her laugh and giggle
while I sing her favorite song.
I want to feel her arms hug me tight
while I kiss her sweet little head.
I want to smell her babyness, touch her hair,
and tuck her into bed.
I want to watch her sleep, watch her grow,
and hold her tight.
I want to hear her call me mommy
in the middle of the night.
I want to see my daughter's smile
and the twinkle in her eyes.
So you see there is nothing you could get me,
nothing that you could buy.
Please don't continue asking
for my answer will never change.
All I want for Christmas
is what Santa cannot bring!
written by Tammy Hajdo, mother to Jessica Marie
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thanksgiving
I'm not sure what it is about Thanksgiving but the last two years I get very down and go to a very emotionally dark place right before. I have never really looked forward to the holiday. I enjoy getting together with family but it's just a holiday that never meant much to me.
The buildup is always so much worse than the actual day. I don't know if I dread it because it's the change of seasons, for some reason that is always rough for me. Or because the diagnosis day is right after or that we are approaching another Christmas with one less daughter. It could be a combination of all of the above.
I need to keep this short, Claire just woke up and is trying to pound the keyboard! Anyway, once Thanksgiving actually arrived, I truly enjoyed my day. I am so glad to be over that hump and look forward to Christmas. Although I am saddened when I think about what could have been, my heart is so filled up to have a baby during the Christmas season again!
The buildup is always so much worse than the actual day. I don't know if I dread it because it's the change of seasons, for some reason that is always rough for me. Or because the diagnosis day is right after or that we are approaching another Christmas with one less daughter. It could be a combination of all of the above.
I need to keep this short, Claire just woke up and is trying to pound the keyboard! Anyway, once Thanksgiving actually arrived, I truly enjoyed my day. I am so glad to be over that hump and look forward to Christmas. Although I am saddened when I think about what could have been, my heart is so filled up to have a baby during the Christmas season again!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Aching
Oh what I wouldn't give to make this aching go away. I keep expecting time to take it away but it's still here. Sometimes more dull than others but this time of year brings it on so strong that my heart just hurts. Holidays and approaching D-day all over again, right in the middle of it all.
Holidays are so difficult, there is so much joy but my mind cannot help but imagine another little girl in the mix of it all. It is not a far stretch of my imagination. We had lived through 2 kids so close in age, Makayla and Hannah are just over 12 1/2 months apart. We were watching home videos of when the older 2 were young and I am reminded of what Claire is cheated out of, what we all are cheated out of. Each time I think of Claire dangling out there without her sister close in age, it crushes me. Yes, I believe all of my girls will be close as they grow up but the special bond the older 2 have will be different than their bond with her.
I see pictures of Makayla and Hannah together as a 1 and 2 year old and wonder why that wasn't enough for us. Why in the world would God give us the desire for another child only to have her die in our arms??
We have a family picture of us I have yet to put up. I want to, and I think I will but with Claire in the picture I see a hole where Olivia should be too. I heard a comment a couple of weeks ago that we "waited awhile before trying again." I bit my tongue, if only this person knew the true waiting we went through. Waiting month after month to become pregnant the 3rd time. Waited to hear a heartbeat only to find out our baby would die the same day we heard and saw her perfect, strong heart. Waiting to meet our daughter while praying she would be born alive. Then after Olivia, waiting all over again to welcome our precious rainbow baby into our family.
Despite all of this aching, I have decided to find joy in the holidays this year and I do believe that is a decision we all have to consciously make. Last year was so difficult and I want to truly enjoy it this year, we have so much to be thankful for.
Holidays are so difficult, there is so much joy but my mind cannot help but imagine another little girl in the mix of it all. It is not a far stretch of my imagination. We had lived through 2 kids so close in age, Makayla and Hannah are just over 12 1/2 months apart. We were watching home videos of when the older 2 were young and I am reminded of what Claire is cheated out of, what we all are cheated out of. Each time I think of Claire dangling out there without her sister close in age, it crushes me. Yes, I believe all of my girls will be close as they grow up but the special bond the older 2 have will be different than their bond with her.
I see pictures of Makayla and Hannah together as a 1 and 2 year old and wonder why that wasn't enough for us. Why in the world would God give us the desire for another child only to have her die in our arms??
We have a family picture of us I have yet to put up. I want to, and I think I will but with Claire in the picture I see a hole where Olivia should be too. I heard a comment a couple of weeks ago that we "waited awhile before trying again." I bit my tongue, if only this person knew the true waiting we went through. Waiting month after month to become pregnant the 3rd time. Waited to hear a heartbeat only to find out our baby would die the same day we heard and saw her perfect, strong heart. Waiting to meet our daughter while praying she would be born alive. Then after Olivia, waiting all over again to welcome our precious rainbow baby into our family.
Despite all of this aching, I have decided to find joy in the holidays this year and I do believe that is a decision we all have to consciously make. Last year was so difficult and I want to truly enjoy it this year, we have so much to be thankful for.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Is this your first?
Is this your first? I had been asked this several times today, I want to say at least 4. I know that I have been different this time around but I do not think I realized how frantic I have become about my children.
Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too.
This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.
As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried}
After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God.
I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since.
This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7
Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too.
This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.
As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried}
After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God.
I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since.
This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Balloon Release and Baby Dust
It has been a long time since blogging on this blog, not that I have not tried. I have several posts that I started and one even finished but could not publish it. I don't know whether I am tired of sharing my grief or feel like others would be tired of hearing about it. The grief is not fun, some times I feel like it is so easy but then a huge wave comes rushing over me and in the end, I just want my baby here with us.
The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Originally we had planned to go to a big event in Minnesota but adding a new baby with poor planning does not make a big trip happen! Instead we planned a small balloon release at the cemetery which turned out very nice. There were several women that had been touched by miscarraige or infant death that were able to attend while others sent pictures of balloons they had released from other areas. We had gotten 10 balloons and they all ended up traveling together since the cards knotted up!
I had entered a drawing for a free signed copy of the new book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy. Saturday afternoon I came home and it was in the mailbox. I was so excited to get it and opened it to read just a few pages. Before I knew it, I was over 100 pages into it! I had to put it up for awhile to feed my family but after the girls went to bed I jumped right back into it. Greg was watching the Cardinals so he did not mind and I finished the book that evening! Needless to say, I really enjoyed this book. There were so many parts where I was just thinking, "I have totally been there!" It touches on the lives of 5 women who have all been affected by the loss of a baby in some way. All of their situations were different but they were united through the grief of their babies. Thank you to Honoring Our Angels Blog for the wonderful gift :)
The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Originally we had planned to go to a big event in Minnesota but adding a new baby with poor planning does not make a big trip happen! Instead we planned a small balloon release at the cemetery which turned out very nice. There were several women that had been touched by miscarraige or infant death that were able to attend while others sent pictures of balloons they had released from other areas. We had gotten 10 balloons and they all ended up traveling together since the cards knotted up!
I had entered a drawing for a free signed copy of the new book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy. Saturday afternoon I came home and it was in the mailbox. I was so excited to get it and opened it to read just a few pages. Before I knew it, I was over 100 pages into it! I had to put it up for awhile to feed my family but after the girls went to bed I jumped right back into it. Greg was watching the Cardinals so he did not mind and I finished the book that evening! Needless to say, I really enjoyed this book. There were so many parts where I was just thinking, "I have totally been there!" It touches on the lives of 5 women who have all been affected by the loss of a baby in some way. All of their situations were different but they were united through the grief of their babies. Thank you to Honoring Our Angels Blog for the wonderful gift :)
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