Saturday, February 16, 2013


This is in every way a "poor me" post.  I am posting on here rather than forcing the Facebook world to read about my hormonal, grief filled sadness.  I know I will be ok tomorrow and I will not want random people walking up to me and knowing all my business unless they came here to read it.

I'm not sure what happened today but it is a definitely and cry my eyes out kind of night.  I really don't have much to say, just missing my baby.  I really allowed myself to get into that funk of what my life could have been. 

I just wish I could go back to May 12, 2010 for just awhile to hold Olivia in my arms again.  My body still aches for her when I go there, I don't allow myself to think too much anymore about my grief.  I think of her in almost every moment, just as I would the other 3 girls but I cannot dwell on it or I feel like I do tonight. 

Even though we are just a couple of months from her 3rd birthday, I still have not quite figured out how to make sense of this life after loss.  I do the best I can for my husband and girls, we do still live a busy normal life but it does not feel right.  I changed when I had to bury my baby and I still do not know what my life should look like on this side of it. 

*SIGH*  I wish I had the words to say, I feel like I've said it all before.  Right now I am thanking God for Lifetime movies that can help me get all of those tears out!!!  Like I said, tomorrow I will be fine, tonight I just needed to let it all out and I already feel a tiny bit better.