Yep, this happened to me (Posted on wrong blog!)

It has been a strange week of reminders that we did actually lose a baby. I do not know how to say it clearly but there are times that I just sit back and think "wow, that really did happen to our family!"

Makayla has been learning math sentences and writing out math problems from a story at school. One day this week she was saying different scenarios and adding them together and they went something like this:
"If Mommy had one baby and then had another baby then she had two babies."
"If Mommy had two babies then had another baby and that baby died, then she still has 2 babies.....right mommy?"
And this is the reality for my sweet little 6 year old. She has really tried since she was 3 to wrap her head around this reality we are all forced to deal with.

I found myself looking at a picture of a family with 4 kids and thought of how great it looked. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an issue with an odd number of children. I know that in my heart I have 4 children, I have carried 4 babies and held them all in my arms. I can hardly look at pictures of our family of 5. I have a picture on our wall of the 5 of us from when Claire was just a couple of months old and have probably looked at it a handful of times. In fact, I only look at it when I am pointing out to people how fat I look in it. Anyway, got off subject a little bit! I so badly want another baby to "even up" our family, Greg is not against this but he says that even with another baby we will always feel like one is missing. I know that and I'm not thinking of a "replacement baby" but I cry every time I think about Claire growing up without her sister that is close in age :(

My other reminder was tonight. I was reading a story about a baby that had died shortly after she was born. I was looking at the pictures of this beautiful little girl with no sign of defect to be seen. I had the same feeling of disconnect that I had to these situations before Olivia's diagnosis. I was reading and thinking that it would be horrible to have a baby, hold her and then just have her gone one day. Then suddenly a hard lump that I just couldn't swallow popped up in my throat. My disconnection from it all was gone and once again I was feeling compassion. I also am that mother that knows the pain of saying goodbye too soon.

Although I am typing this about specifics, I do think of her everyday pretty much continually. I can't explain it but I know my fellow BLM's understand.

I should be sleeping....

Why is it that everytime I get upset about something, it makes me miss Olivia so much more? Even if what I am upset or hurt about has absolutely nothing to do with her or any of our children?

I think part of it is thinking of how the "old me" would have handled the situation. It's not something I'm proud of, not that I was a bad person or mean spirited, just did not think much before I spoke. I knew the power of words but did not care if they could sting someone to their core just so that I could feel better for awhile.

I always have to weigh in the "new me" and remind myself that our family did not go through this, or any of our pain, in vain. My life has been reshaped from that point on. It would be a disservice to the testimony of our lives to fly off the handle and react emotionally, just because I feel like it.

***sigh*** This really has nothing to do with Olivia but when I feel like this I think the devil is playing on my insecurities, "it would all be better, if only.....your baby didn't die...." IF she didn't die we would...[fill in the blank]...we would not _________. I cannot even fill in the blanks because having her here would not change most circumstances, in reality I know I react better because of her, but it always comes full circle to this in my mind.

Tonight I am laying my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and not allowing those terrible thoughts, doubts and insecurities to affect myself or my family. I'm letting it go, knowing that I will feel tons better about it in the morning!!

PTSD?

It has been awhile since I have posted on here and I honestly have not even felt like it. I am so glad winter is over, I would get the winter blues before Olivia but after her....whoa!!! The darkness settles back in and while I try to fight it, it usually overpowers me no matter how happy I am. Thank God for spring and sunshine to renew myself or I might lose my mind!

I wanted to give an update on something I had struggled with from the time I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Claire until she was about 6 months old. If this is new news to you and you are close to me, it's because I chose to keep it inside for far too long. Even my husband was unaware of this until mid-Janurary (5 months after it began). Although I never had it officially diagnosed, I was suffering from what I believe was a form of PTSD. It started during the L&D of Claire. The labor itself was not bad but when it came time to push I panicked, big time! The last time that I pushed out a baby, I had watched Olivia's lifeless body, waiting for the doctor to tell me if she was alive or dead and it all came flooding back at that very moment. It did not help that my doctor was not at all supportive. I had the same doctor deliver the first 3 girls but this one was new and she was in a pissy mood and not at all afraid to show it in the delivery room.

Obviously I made it through the delivery and I was fine the rest of the time I was in the hospital. Not long after going home I began to have very vivid flashes of Olivia's delivery several times a day. It would come flooding in at any given time with no known trigger.

I would also see Claire as Olivia was while she was still with us. I knew that it was a different baby but the bottom half of their faces are identical. Olivia's tongue was also swollen and filled up her mouth, it just happens that it was the exact same way Claire would hold her mouth while sleeping. When I would walk into a room and she was sleeping I would flash right back to Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love to think about my daughter but these were so far out of my control. I love to remember holding her while she was still alive and taking a nap with her in my arms after she had passed. Painfully, I can only recall one memory of me kissing my sweet Olivia although Greg said I did alot.

I hesitate to use the term PTSD for several reasons. I never told my doctor, I was too embarrassed and there is no diagnosis. I only viewed it as something soldiers had when returning from war and I never felt violent or suicidal because of it, just torn apart. Once I finally told Greg it was as if the stronghold was let go. I shared this with a few others but I never was too vocal or open about it because I felt like I was crazy because of it.

Around the time Claire turned 6 months the flashes stopped. I was finally healing enough from my pelvic pain to walk and was capable of starting some exercises again. I also would push those visions out and force the wonderful ones that I did have with her. It was not easy, the traumatic moments are just as real as the wonderful ones, it is all part of the beauty of choosing to carry a baby with a fatal diagnosis.

Looking back, I wish I would have sought out counseling rather than be tortured so long but I am glad that is over. I still miss her every single day, that will never go away but the joy her brief life has brought us will also remain with us always!

Birth Certificate

One of the last things I needed to do was pick up Olivia's birth certificate from the Circuit Clerks office. I was dreading this, and I mean DREADING! Only because I had heard of other BLM's getting the birth certificate with DECEASED stamped across it and lets face it, no mother wants to see that. I do not know if it varies by state, another BLM from Illinois said that her son's certificate did not have "deceased" on it but I worried about it anyway.

I had been in that office to get Hannah and Makayla's certificates for school and avoided getting Olivia's. I had to go in to pick up Claire's and decided to get Olivia's also. To my surprise and absolute joy, this was not printed or stamped across it! I was so happy I could have cried. It is just like our other girls' birth records and I will be putting it with theirs rather than with Olivia's stuff. For a short time, she was one of "us" and always be one of "the girls" :)

So now I have it, ready to be put away when I am tired of looking at it (and smiling). CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH, just another glimpse of her life with us. Almost 2 years after she was born I finally have it but I did not have a copy of Makayla's until she was 5....I'm ahead of my own timeframe :)

Broken

I heard this song for the first time a few months ago, I'm surprised I had not heard it sooner. Maybe I did though and never really paid attention, either way, it's amazing and I think most people can relate to this at some point. You will have to pause the player on the sidebar to keep 2 songs from playing at once.

Makayla's Sentences

I was going through Makayla's folder before heading to bed and almost missed her sentences on the back of her school papers. The kindergarten has been working on sentences so they practice on the back of their worksheets when they finish. It was so sweet and sad at the same time......


"My sistr is four. My next sistr is one. My last sistr is zero."

I have never talked to the teacher about Olivia but she has clearly seen me with just 2 other kids during pickup. I just wonder how much Makayla has told her, I'm sure she has probably heard it all.

When will you get over it?

I was speaking with a friend today about how much of last year I kept my grieving private even though I was struggling so much inside. Of course I let it all out on my blog but in life I just kept it tucked beneath the surface. It was also brought up that some people may expect me to be "over it" by now because they do not understand how I would be so attached to a baby that I never really got a chance to know. Does a mother really need to have a baby for any certain amount of time to know their child? I did not know that a mother's love should or even could be limited to the amount of time they have spent with their child.

I am so grateful I was given the choice to carry my baby, to give her the chance to live her life to her fullest potential. I will never regret pouring all of my heart into her life, no matter how brief. There is no time limit on "getting over" holding my baby until she passed peacefully into the arms of Jesus. She was, is and always will be one of my daughters and that I will never let go of.

This friend does not think this way (as far as I know!) but it was just general discussion. It made me think though, how could I possibly explain myself and my feelings? I have tried a thousand times on here, I could say it until the end of my life but unless someone has walked in this path, there are just NO words to begin to describe the depth of this experience.
I really don't know where I am going with all of this, I'm too tired to even bring the thoughts around and finish the blog! Goodnight!!!

Missing my baby

I find myself wishing again that my baby girl was here with me. What else is new I guess? But tonight it is so much stronger for no huge reason but so many little ones at the same time.
It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life but the longing for her to be one of us is always lingering. I don't know how many more times I can hear "3 girls?" or "still trying for that boy?" before I scream. These comments are not meant to be hurtful, and most people would never think twice but it stings each and everytime. ****SIGH****
I just wish there was an end to this reality, one day I wake up and it never happened to me. I could wake up and get 4 little girls ready for the day, juggle 2 babies while making sure 2 big girls were making it to school, tumbling and cheer.

I had a great visit with my great grandpa this weekend. He is now in a nursing home about 40 minutes away so he will get the best care for his needs. He knows me, Greg and the girls, it's the details and timeline he seems to have the most problems with. His wife, my great grandma, died a couple of years ago. They were blessed with over 60 years of marriage, that's a standard I want to live up to :) In that time together, they had 3 living children and lost 3 also. I sat next to him on his bed while he talked about one baby they lost. A little boy, he talked about how that baby was big and about ready to go and they do not know why he passed away. I asked if it was ever something is he able to get past and he just said "no, no it's not." My great grandpa is 88 years old, he has carried the loss of these babies for over 60 years and still talks about it as if he were in the moment that it all happened.

Tonight I was reading the book "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heavven." Yes it was one of those nights, I needed the outlet and that book gets me everytime. The page that caught me and I reread many times was,
"Someday, Mommy, we will hold eachother tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair....and once again, our hearts will beat together."
As much as I crave to have all of that right now, all over again, I am so glad I had that...even for such a short time. I had her, here in my arms. I felt each and every kick. I heard her heartbeat and held back tears, taking it all in just knowing that she would not be mine forever. I held her in my arms and how perfect she felt. I even had a chance to stroke the little bit of hair, I did not expect her to have any but there was just enough at the base of her neck for me to remember. Just knowing how sweet those memories feel through all the ache and missing my little girl, how glorious it will be to have her in my arms once again. My earthly hopes and dreams are that she is small enough in heaven for me to hold and cradle her again. Until then, I will hold on to that little bit of time that she was all ours and how wonderful it felt.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" Revelation 21:4