Broken

I heard this song for the first time a few months ago, I'm surprised I had not heard it sooner. Maybe I did though and never really paid attention, either way, it's amazing and I think most people can relate to this at some point. You will have to pause the player on the sidebar to keep 2 songs from playing at once.

Makayla's Sentences

I was going through Makayla's folder before heading to bed and almost missed her sentences on the back of her school papers. The kindergarten has been working on sentences so they practice on the back of their worksheets when they finish. It was so sweet and sad at the same time......


"My sistr is four. My next sistr is one. My last sistr is zero."

I have never talked to the teacher about Olivia but she has clearly seen me with just 2 other kids during pickup. I just wonder how much Makayla has told her, I'm sure she has probably heard it all.

When will you get over it?

I was speaking with a friend today about how much of last year I kept my grieving private even though I was struggling so much inside. Of course I let it all out on my blog but in life I just kept it tucked beneath the surface. It was also brought up that some people may expect me to be "over it" by now because they do not understand how I would be so attached to a baby that I never really got a chance to know. Does a mother really need to have a baby for any certain amount of time to know their child? I did not know that a mother's love should or even could be limited to the amount of time they have spent with their child.

I am so grateful I was given the choice to carry my baby, to give her the chance to live her life to her fullest potential. I will never regret pouring all of my heart into her life, no matter how brief. There is no time limit on "getting over" holding my baby until she passed peacefully into the arms of Jesus. She was, is and always will be one of my daughters and that I will never let go of.

This friend does not think this way (as far as I know!) but it was just general discussion. It made me think though, how could I possibly explain myself and my feelings? I have tried a thousand times on here, I could say it until the end of my life but unless someone has walked in this path, there are just NO words to begin to describe the depth of this experience.
I really don't know where I am going with all of this, I'm too tired to even bring the thoughts around and finish the blog! Goodnight!!!

Missing my baby

I find myself wishing again that my baby girl was here with me. What else is new I guess? But tonight it is so much stronger for no huge reason but so many little ones at the same time.
It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life but the longing for her to be one of us is always lingering. I don't know how many more times I can hear "3 girls?" or "still trying for that boy?" before I scream. These comments are not meant to be hurtful, and most people would never think twice but it stings each and everytime. ****SIGH****
I just wish there was an end to this reality, one day I wake up and it never happened to me. I could wake up and get 4 little girls ready for the day, juggle 2 babies while making sure 2 big girls were making it to school, tumbling and cheer.

I had a great visit with my great grandpa this weekend. He is now in a nursing home about 40 minutes away so he will get the best care for his needs. He knows me, Greg and the girls, it's the details and timeline he seems to have the most problems with. His wife, my great grandma, died a couple of years ago. They were blessed with over 60 years of marriage, that's a standard I want to live up to :) In that time together, they had 3 living children and lost 3 also. I sat next to him on his bed while he talked about one baby they lost. A little boy, he talked about how that baby was big and about ready to go and they do not know why he passed away. I asked if it was ever something is he able to get past and he just said "no, no it's not." My great grandpa is 88 years old, he has carried the loss of these babies for over 60 years and still talks about it as if he were in the moment that it all happened.

Tonight I was reading the book "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heavven." Yes it was one of those nights, I needed the outlet and that book gets me everytime. The page that caught me and I reread many times was,
"Someday, Mommy, we will hold eachother tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair....and once again, our hearts will beat together."
As much as I crave to have all of that right now, all over again, I am so glad I had that...even for such a short time. I had her, here in my arms. I felt each and every kick. I heard her heartbeat and held back tears, taking it all in just knowing that she would not be mine forever. I held her in my arms and how perfect she felt. I even had a chance to stroke the little bit of hair, I did not expect her to have any but there was just enough at the base of her neck for me to remember. Just knowing how sweet those memories feel through all the ache and missing my little girl, how glorious it will be to have her in my arms once again. My earthly hopes and dreams are that she is small enough in heaven for me to hold and cradle her again. Until then, I will hold on to that little bit of time that she was all ours and how wonderful it felt.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" Revelation 21:4

Where were you?

“Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and good-bye in the same day is worth all the sorrow.”

Where were you the day you were told your child would die? It sounds crazy but an unfortunate reality for many parents, some of which you might not even realize. If you have 3 or more children, imagine taking the 3rd child and completely erasing them from your family. The thought seems unimaginable. It sucks but we live with that every single day.

Most people have a significant event or day that defines who they are or how they continue their lives. December 11, 2009 was that day for us, D-Day (diagnosis day) in the baby loss community. Two years ago today, Greg and I woke up carefree parents, anticipating an ultrasound. We were going to see our little baby and confirm what we already knew, there was a life growing inside of me. We walked out of the doctor office completely changed. That little life growing inside of me changed how I viewed the world, my life and those around me. Every decision, every event and every milestone from that day on, somehow relates back to the instant we found out that our sweet baby was given a zero percent chance of survival.

There is nothing I would love more than to return to December 11, 2009 and change the outcome and view this as someone else's reality. I know I cannot do that. With that being said, I would walk this road all over again, just to have her as part of my life. Olivia's life is a constant reminder that this world is only temporary. Because of her I can look forward with anticipation, knowing the pain of this world is worth spending forever in His glory.

Poem

I was on the anencephaly group and one mother posted a poem that she had written. I do not know her but Tammy Hajdo, thank you for sharing this!

All I want for Christmas

"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me with a smile.
You don't really want to know.
I can see you're in denial.

"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me one more time.
There isn't anything I want.
Nothing will make me feel fine!

"What do you want for Christmas?"
Do you really want to know?...
I want my daughter here.
I want to watch her play in the snow.

"What do you want for Christmas?"
I can't believe you've asked again.
Ok. Hold onto your socks,
Here's my list. You want a pen?

I want my daughter here
in my arms where she belongs.
I want to hear her laugh and giggle
while I sing her favorite song.

I want to feel her arms hug me tight
while I kiss her sweet little head.
I want to smell her babyness, touch her hair,
and tuck her into bed.

I want to watch her sleep, watch her grow,
and hold her tight.
I want to hear her call me mommy
in the middle of the night.

I want to see my daughter's smile
and the twinkle in her eyes.
So you see there is nothing you could get me,
nothing that you could buy.

Please don't continue asking
for my answer will never change.
All I want for Christmas
is what Santa cannot bring!

written by Tammy Hajdo, mother to Jessica Marie

Thanksgiving

I'm not sure what it is about Thanksgiving but the last two years I get very down and go to a very emotionally dark place right before. I have never really looked forward to the holiday. I enjoy getting together with family but it's just a holiday that never meant much to me.

The buildup is always so much worse than the actual day. I don't know if I dread it because it's the change of seasons, for some reason that is always rough for me. Or because the diagnosis day is right after or that we are approaching another Christmas with one less daughter. It could be a combination of all of the above.

I need to keep this short, Claire just woke up and is trying to pound the keyboard! Anyway, once Thanksgiving actually arrived, I truly enjoyed my day. I am so glad to be over that hump and look forward to Christmas. Although I am saddened when I think about what could have been, my heart is so filled up to have a baby during the Christmas season again!