Reflecting

I posted this in a bereavement group tonight and thought I would share here too.  I don't post much on the blog anymore and it's not a place I visit too often either.  It's amazing to see such a huge transition.  There are times I still ache for my baby girl to the point I seriously wonder how I am supposed to go the rest of my life without her.  There are times it feels so fresh and raw that I cannot figure out if all of this happened yesterday or started almost 4 years ago.  I just wish I could go back in time and assure myself that I will find a way to navigate this new life and it's not all bad, she's still part of me and part of our family.

"Tonight I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep for some reason. I decided to go back and read my blog from when I was carrying my baby with anencephaly and the few months after she was born. We are quickly approaching the 4 year mark of D-day and my emotions have been out of whack just anticipating it.

Through tears, I read my desperate posts while carrying Olivia. I was searching, praying and willing positivity and hope into myself. I have a hard time recognizing myself in my words and pictures from "before." I found the transition of when I became the "after," the new me and felt so much comfort in myself. I can plainly see now that there is the old me, the carrying to term and fresh grief me and the new me. 

I have said so many times that I miss myself, my husband and the way it was "before." I still do and still grieve for the way it used to be but I decided tonight that I really do like me. I always have but I am now more confident in myself, my family and my faith than I ever have been. I can see where that change happened so if you don't write things down, do it. It's very eye opening, sometimes hard to read but I am so glad I have those memories and to see how far we have come."