Her Week

As much as I try to avoid the emotions that come along with approaching yet another birthday, we are down to the week of again.  I'll probably be posting a lot on here this week because I am trying to sort through all of the feelings/emotions that come along with hitting another milestone without my daughter here.

May 12th we will be celebrating Olivia's 3rd birthday.  I type through tears as I think about all the other 3 year olds that are celebrating their birthdays now.  They are all talking, really talking and conversating!  And potty trained, my most dreaded mothering task!  There are times that I cannot picture having her in the middle of our girls but really, now, I can. 

I was setting up a toddler bed tonight for Claire and it broke my heart.  I was looking at the crib on one side and the bed on the other side of Claire's room.  It should have been there all along.  I wish I was trying to figure out how to squeeze another bed in our small house instead of arranging 2 groups of girls that seems like it was planned to be this way. 

UGH, subject change, but if one more person refers to this current pregnancy as our "4th girl," I may scream.  I correct 99% of people when this occurs, most of them well aware of our daughter that died.  We have our 4th girl, this one on the way, is our 5th.  Although it may be uncomfortable each and every time I take the time to say it, it is far more difficult to deal with the feeling it gives me to just not acknowledge Olivia's place in our family. 

Truthfully, I am looking forward to getting past this week.  I expect each birthday to get easier.  The "normal" times are so much easier but each milestone breaks my heart more and more.  I hate getting further and further from the last time Olivia was here, growing inside me....further from holding her in my arms.  I'll end my depressing post for the night, I don't see this getting much better as my week goes on so I'll save the rest for another day!