Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Blog Award

Thanks Kara for including me in this blog award! Your blog is a beautiful and loving tribute to your beautiful Karrine!

The rules for this award are as follows:
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.
(although it's okay with me if you don't pass the award on - I know we're all busy!)

I have chosen to honor the following blogs of fellow baby loss parents:
1. Baby Jack-Brad and Sarah Lundell
2.Eli's Valley-Jennifer Hill
3.Emma and Connor's Page-Mom Sarah
4. Isabella Grace- Mary Smith
5. Olivia Kathleen & Harper Mae- Daphne Freeman
6. Carried Through Grief- Stephanie
7. Haas Family Blessings- Holly Haas
8. Amelia Grace- Melissa Lorang
9. Lilly Elizabeth- Elena Strode
10. Our Angel Ella- Penny

Monday, September 20, 2010

Olivia photo

I was sent another Olivia photo, it was taken in Cozumel Mexico. Olivia's name is doing more traveling than we are! Thank you Penny!

Not sure of a title!

This posting is bouncing all over the place but welcome to my thought process! I cannot seem to focus on one thing for too long and I am pretty good at interrupting and changing the subject, even with myself! :)

I just need to start out with a picture of me and the girls on my birthday.....I just LOVE them!!!!

As posted in previous posts, I have a real issue with saying I have 2 children when I have 3 but it is difficult for me to say 3. This weekend, when asked "how many kids do you have?" I simply answered, "I've had 3." Then I quickly say they are all girls and make jokes about how Greg cannot give me boys (poor Greg!). This allowed the jump right past th "how old are they" questions. I am not at all sure that I will always be able to answer "3" but I am just so glad that I did it even one day.

This weekend was great, I was able to go with some of my Lia Sophia ladies to a training in Chicago. It's so nice to be able to get away for a day or two and come home an energized mommy! I just wanted to add this picture because I like it :)

I have been thinking alot about comments said to me when I was pregnant. Not the usual sympathy ones that we all expect but comments on how happy I still seemed. People would tell Greg that it was great that I was still living life and smiling. I had also been told that you could not look at me and tell something was wrong. Although I was (and still am) going through the most difficult time in my life, I still have so much to live for and be happy about. Two friends in one week told me that I just "shined." I didn't think much of it at the time, I was kindof tan (just kidding!). I have been thinking of that more often lately though. At that point in my life I had put all of my faith in the fact that God would carry me through this. I would daily, if not several times a day, pray for strength and peace. That was granted to me time and time again. As anyone who has walked this road before would know, you cannot get through it alone. The shine that I had was radiating from God working within me and He continues to do so.

After I had Olivia I was afraid that my growth in God would take a backseat to other things in my life. It is so much easier to be faithful to God and share that love when going through difficult times. I want to make sure I can continue that path, whether times are good or bad. I want to continue to "shine" and know that it is coming from God and not from myself!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

9 months

Nine months seems like a lifetime to wait for your baby after finding out that you are pregnant. Nine months of planning and dreaming and sometimes worrying. The fact is, having a healthy baby is lifechanging whether it's the first or tenth child in the family. There are hopes and fears about how this new little one will fit into the big picture, how you can manage juggling a carseat and 2 toddlers through a grocery store. Nine months seems so long but it is never enough time to plan or prepare for another little person to care for.

Nine months ago today we went in for a routine ultrasound at 12 weeks. Nine months ago today were told our baby would die. 0In some ways it seems so long ago, I feel like so much of the last 9 months was lived in a fog that I still haven't completely come out of. Tomorrow Olivia would have been 4 months old. Every month milestone I tell myself that I will not be affected by the date but I am. I do not want the 11th of every month to sting and the 12th of every month to be a reminder that our daughter is gone.

Even though tomorrow is the 4 month mark, I feel ok. I have a heaviness in my heart because she is gone but so far I have not felt completely crushed this time around. I will pray that I continue to not feel worse. I just want to be happy, I have been blessed with an awesome family.

Makayla and Hannah have been so awesome the last two weeks. They have been getting along, playing well together and they just keep doing so many cute things! I am one of those moms who brag about my kids and talk about them all the time, even when other people might not care. Since having Olivia I am soooo much worse about my gushing but I know now, more than ever, that they are the greatest gifts Greg and I could ever ask for.

Monday, September 6, 2010

How many kids do you have?

I have continually struggled with how to answer the question, "How many children do you have?" Or while in a store, "are these your only two?" when out with Makayla and Hannah. I find myself over and over saying that I only have 2 kids. I hate it, I hate that it comes out so easily but it rips my heart out every single time. I just want to be comfortable saying I have 3, I want to speak my daughters name without seeing a slight cringe from others. Not every person in my life acts uncomfortable with me saying Olivia but most people do.

I attended a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting for the first time last week. I had heard about it since having my first child but never actually thought I would attend one. I ended up having a good time and enjoying myself. I did however have to face the question "How many children do you have?" The first time I was asked there were only 2 other women with me, I said 3. That is a HUGE step for me, I do not think I have ever told anybody 3 that did not already know about Olivia. It quickly became awkward when asked ages. I said "4, 3 and one would have been almost 4 months." After that,I told anyone else who asked that I have 2 children. I wish I had the confidence to say I have three girls. I never would have imagined that the pregnancy, knowing how it would end, would be easier than walking through life without my baby. I carried her, I held her in my arms and hugged and kissed her. She is my baby, I love her but I still deny her to others almost daily!

I have been dealing with a different kind of grief the last month. Obviously I have been grieving for my child but also for myself. I have changed. It has been almost a year since I became pregnant with Olivia. I miss who I was before, I was carefree. I could talk to people and take in what they would say, now I find myself wondering what I had a conversation about an hour after I had it. My mind is always drifting, not always sad but thinking. I watch the girls play and picture where Olivia would be while her sisters run all over the place. The biggest stress when thinking about having a 3rd child was worrying about sleep or how many diapers we would go through. I really just miss being me, not the new me! I have become a stronger person than I knew I could be but I wish I did not have to know that strength.

If I could go back and change the outcome and have a happy healthy baby, I would do it. Since I cannot, I would still do it all over again. I have learned so much about myself, I have also learned that my faith is real. It is so easy to say "I believe in God" or memorize scripture and attend church every Sunday. When it came down walking through the darkest part of my life, I truly learned to lean on God and put all of my trust in Him, knowing that I would be ok. The pregnancy with Olivia was the most physically uncomfortable out of all pregnancies. The last couple of months it would hurt to lay down, to sit for too long, everything just hurt. At about 32 weeks I could not take it anymore. I had nothing left to do but pray. I prayed for my pain to go away or to just go into labor. I did not want to have my baby yet but my body had hit its limit. I begged and pleaded with God, telling Him I could not take anymore. From that night on and for the next 2 weeks, I felt great. I went back to having just typical aches and pains of pregnancy and of course heartburn!

When I began having pain again 2 weeks later I knew the end was coming. After 2 days of contracting I laid on my couch and prayed again, just like 2 weeks before. This time I prayed that if this was it, I was ready. I prayed for the strength to get through what was about to come and he delivered. I wish I could have had another ending to my story. That my faith was tested but Olivia still came home and we lived happily ever after. For now, I will truly believe that God knows why were given this path to take and just keep moving forward.