Fear

About a week and a half ago, a Saturday night, I decided for some reason to pull out Olivia's things that we had brought home from the hospital. I had been sitting on the couch, feeling Claire move and I suddenly became terrified, remembering leaving the hospital without my baby. What if it all happened again? What if this baby grows and thrives and suddenly stops? I was consumed with fear and every movement was making it worse. I did not want to feel her move, at that moment I did not want to become attached to this little person that was not even fully developed. I was afraid of loving her and losing her too. The truth is though, it is too late to worry about becoming attached or loving her, we have loved her since she was just 2 pink lines on a stick.

So I pulled out Olivia's belongings and stared at the tiny little pile in front of me. We have a little pink outfit that she wore that the hospital gave us. We had taken two outfits, one was too big and the other she was buried in. There is a blanket that came with her outfit, the hat she wore, her hospital bracelets, the hospital birth certificate, the card with her information on it and her hand and foot prints. I just stared at her stuff thinking about how horrible it is to go into a hospital with so much life still growing inside, when she left the hospital in was in a body bag probably the size of a duffle bag.

I took a hot bath, which usually calms me down but I could not stop crying through the whole thing. The pain was as real as the day we found out Olivia would die, the nights we would lay in bed and wonder how we would get through it. As real as laying in the hospital bed waiting to deliver her and just praying that she would be born alive.

I had almost completely written off doing any Bible reading or devotion but decided it couldn't hurt me anymore than what I was already feeling. I'm not even sure it was the right day but the verse said "Do not be afraid, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:5)" Since the devotional I had opened was for couples, the extra stuff had nothing to do with how I was feeling so I went to that verse in the Bible. To my surprise, when I opened to Isaiah, the page I was going to was marked with the ribbon bookmark. I read the verse then went back to the beginning of the chapter and stopped when I read the 2nd verse:

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze(Isaiah 43:2)

I instantly knew that God had provided that verse for me to read that night. I laid in bed thinking about my biggest fear with this pregnancy, losing another baby. I decided I can either allow my fears to consume all the joy that this new life is bringing to our family or I can enjoy my baby now. I am choosing to enjoy this pregnancy, Claire is kicking the computer as I type! I do not know what will happen tomorrow but for today everything is good and I will be satisfied in knowing that even if the worst would happen, the waters will not sweep over me. Greg and I, along with too many other parents, have walked this road before. We all come through in the end because that is what we have to do and God provides the comfort and strength to allow us to move forward as many times as we need it.

It took about a week to push my fears out but each time I began to worry I thought of these two verses. Whatever fear I might have with our children, work, finances I remind myself of Isaiah 43:5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I know that I cannot navigate this life alone so now is not the time to start trying!