Our Journey for Olivia Ryan

When will you get over it?

2012-01-24T22:27:00.000-08:00

I was speaking with a friend today about how much of last year I kept my grieving private even though I was struggling so much inside. Of course I let it all out on my blog but in life I just kept it tucked beneath the surface. It was also brought up that some people may expect me to be "over it" by now because they do not understand how I would be so attached to a baby that I never really got a chance to know. Does a mother really need to have a baby for any certain amount of time to know their child? I did not know that a mother's love should or even could be limited to the amount of time they have spent with their child.

I am so grateful I was given the choice to carry my baby, to give her the chance to live her life to her fullest potential. I will never regret pouring all of my heart into her life, no matter how brief. There is no time limit on "getting over" holding my baby until she passed peacefully into the arms of Jesus. She was, is and always will be one of my daughters and that I will never let go of.

This friend does not think this way (as far as I know!) but it was just general discussion. It made me think though, how could I possibly explain myself and my feelings? I have tried a thousand times on here, I could say it until the end of my life but unless someone has walked in this path, there are just NO words to begin to describe the depth of this experience.
I really don't know where I am going with all of this, I'm too tired to even bring the thoughts around and finish the blog! Goodnight!!!

Missing my baby

2012-01-16T21:09:00.000-08:00

I find myself wishing again that my baby girl was here with me. What else is new I guess? But tonight it is so much stronger for no huge reason but so many little ones at the same time.
It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life but the longing for her to be one of us is always lingering. I don't know how many more times I can hear "3 girls?" or "still trying for that boy?" before I scream. These comments are not meant to be hurtful, and most people would never think twice but it stings each and everytime. ****SIGH****
I just wish there was an end to this reality, one day I wake up and it never happened to me. I could wake up and get 4 little girls ready for the day, juggle 2 babies while making sure 2 big girls were making it to school, tumbling and cheer.

I had a great visit with my great grandpa this weekend. He is now in a nursing home about 40 minutes away so he will get the best care for his needs. He knows me, Greg and the girls, it's the details and timeline he seems to have the most problems with. His wife, my great grandma, died a couple of years ago. They were blessed with over 60 years of marriage, that's a standard I want to live up to :) In that time together, they had 3 living children and lost 3 also. I sat next to him on his bed while he talked about one baby they lost. A little boy, he talked about how that baby was big and about ready to go and they do not know why he passed away. I asked if it was ever something is he able to get past and he just said "no, no it's not." My great grandpa is 88 years old, he has carried the loss of these babies for over 60 years and still talks about it as if he were in the moment that it all happened.

Tonight I was reading the book "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heavven." Yes it was one of those nights, I needed the outlet and that book gets me everytime. The page that caught me and I reread many times was,
"Someday, Mommy, we will hold eachother tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair....and once again, our hearts will beat together."
As much as I crave to have all of that right now, all over again, I am so glad I had that...even for such a short time. I had her, here in my arms. I felt each and every kick. I heard her heartbeat and held back tears, taking it all in just knowing that she would not be mine forever. I held her in my arms and how perfect she felt. I even had a chance to stroke the little bit of hair, I did not expect her to have any but there was just enough at the base of her neck for me to remember. Just knowing how sweet those memories feel through all the ache and missing my little girl, how glorious it will be to have her in my arms once again. My earthly hopes and dreams are that she is small enough in heaven for me to hold and cradle her again. Until then, I will hold on to that little bit of time that she was all ours and how wonderful it felt.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" Revelation 21:4

Where were you?

2011-12-10T22:44:00.000-08:00

“Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and good-bye in the same day is worth all the sorrow.”

Where were you the day you were told your child would die? It sounds crazy but an unfortunate reality for many parents, some of which you might not even realize. If you have 3 or more children, imagine taking the 3rd child and completely erasing them from your family. The thought seems unimaginable. It sucks but we live with that every single day.

Most people have a significant event or day that defines who they are or how they continue their lives. December 11, 2009 was that day for us, D-Day (diagnosis day) in the baby loss community. Two years ago today, Greg and I woke up carefree parents, anticipating an ultrasound. We were going to see our little baby and confirm what we already knew, there was a life growing inside of me. We walked out of the doctor office completely changed. That little life growing inside of me changed how I viewed the world, my life and those around me. Every decision, every event and every milestone from that day on, somehow relates back to the instant we found out that our sweet baby was given a zero percent chance of survival.

There is nothing I would love more than to return to December 11, 2009 and change the outcome and view this as someone else's reality. I know I cannot do that. With that being said, I would walk this road all over again, just to have her as part of my life. Olivia's life is a constant reminder that this world is only temporary. Because of her I can look forward with anticipation, knowing the pain of this world is worth spending forever in His glory.

Poem

2011-12-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

I was on the anencephaly group and one mother posted a poem that she had written. I do not know her but Tammy Hajdo, thank you for sharing this!

All I want for Christmas

"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me with a smile.
You don't really want to know.
I can see you're in denial.

"What do you want for Christmas?"
you ask me one more time.
There isn't anything I want.
Nothing will make me feel fine!

"What do you want for Christmas?"
Do you really want to know?...
I want my daughter here.
I want to watch her play in the snow.

"What do you want for Christmas?"
I can't believe you've asked again.
Ok. Hold onto your socks,
Here's my list. You want a pen?

I want my daughter here
in my arms where she belongs.
I want to hear her laugh and giggle
while I sing her favorite song.

I want to feel her arms hug me tight
while I kiss her sweet little head.
I want to smell her babyness, touch her hair,
and tuck her into bed.

I want to watch her sleep, watch her grow,
and hold her tight.
I want to hear her call me mommy
in the middle of the night.

I want to see my daughter's smile
and the twinkle in her eyes.
So you see there is nothing you could get me,
nothing that you could buy.

Please don't continue asking
for my answer will never change.
All I want for Christmas
is what Santa cannot bring!

written by Tammy Hajdo, mother to Jessica Marie

Thanksgiving

2011-11-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what it is about Thanksgiving but the last two years I get very down and go to a very emotionally dark place right before. I have never really looked forward to the holiday. I enjoy getting together with family but it's just a holiday that never meant much to me.

The buildup is always so much worse than the actual day. I don't know if I dread it because it's the change of seasons, for some reason that is always rough for me. Or because the diagnosis day is right after or that we are approaching another Christmas with one less daughter. It could be a combination of all of the above.

I need to keep this short, Claire just woke up and is trying to pound the keyboard! Anyway, once Thanksgiving actually arrived, I truly enjoyed my day. I am so glad to be over that hump and look forward to Christmas. Although I am saddened when I think about what could have been, my heart is so filled up to have a baby during the Christmas season again!

Aching

2011-11-21T21:56:00.001-08:00

Oh what I wouldn't give to make this aching go away. I keep expecting time to take it away but it's still here. Sometimes more dull than others but this time of year brings it on so strong that my heart just hurts. Holidays and approaching D-day all over again, right in the middle of it all.
Holidays are so difficult, there is so much joy but my mind cannot help but imagine another little girl in the mix of it all. It is not a far stretch of my imagination. We had lived through 2 kids so close in age, Makayla and Hannah are just over 12 1/2 months apart. We were watching home videos of when the older 2 were young and I am reminded of what Claire is cheated out of, what we all are cheated out of. Each time I think of Claire dangling out there without her sister close in age, it crushes me. Yes, I believe all of my girls will be close as they grow up but the special bond the older 2 have will be different than their bond with her.
I see pictures of Makayla and Hannah together as a 1 and 2 year old and wonder why that wasn't enough for us. Why in the world would God give us the desire for another child only to have her die in our arms??
We have a family picture of us I have yet to put up. I want to, and I think I will but with Claire in the picture I see a hole where Olivia should be too. I heard a comment a couple of weeks ago that we "waited awhile before trying again." I bit my tongue, if only this person knew the true waiting we went through. Waiting month after month to become pregnant the 3rd time. Waited to hear a heartbeat only to find out our baby would die the same day we heard and saw her perfect, strong heart. Waiting to meet our daughter while praying she would be born alive. Then after Olivia, waiting all over again to welcome our precious rainbow baby into our family.
Despite all of this aching, I have decided to find joy in the holidays this year and I do believe that is a decision we all have to consciously make. Last year was so difficult and I want to truly enjoy it this year, we have so much to be thankful for.

Is this your first?

2011-10-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

Is this your first? I had been asked this several times today, I want to say at least 4. I know that I have been different this time around but I do not think I realized how frantic I have become about my children.
Last week at church, I left Claire in the nursery for the first time for one service. I took her to first service with me while we were in church and put her in the nursery for second service while Greg and I helped in the bigger girls' class. There is a window that we can peek in from the hallway and I probably checked on her 10 times and made Greg look too.
This week we decided to put her in while teaching in the kids class and I did pretty well at first. Once we were getting ready to go to the service, I peeked in on a perfectly content little girl who was being cuddled and napping on a completely competent woman. During the songs I had almost started crying and could feel the anxiety building up inside me. Greg told me to just go get her, so I did. Before heading into church I changed her diaper. The woman asked "Is this your first?" We go to a large church so I didn't expect her to know about the other girls but it still shocked me. Was I acting that worried? Yes I was! I explained to her that I wasn't always this way but we had a baby die last May so I do not want to let this one go too long. Not sure where that boldness came from but it came out and I could tell she understood.
As I was walking out, another mom said "You act like this is your first one." I just kept going and wanted to shout, "It is the first one after having a baby die in my arms!" Luckily I had already calmed back down so I had plenty of self control. {I should insert that I was not having a mental breakdown or sweating or freaking out on anyone, just overworried}
After getting Claire back to church with Greg and myself, I was able to take in the sermon. The first slide that pops up shows the topic, Fear/Anxiety....awesome....couldn't be better timing. Then the pastor starts talking about fear/anxiety/worry and I am getting nudged by my husband, who then falls asleep :P Anyway, I get it God.
I have not always been this way. I considered myself a planner and goal oriented but not neurotic. I used to be carefree, spontaneous and alot of fun always. Some of that was tamed when having the first two girls but just the healthy amount, because who wants a mom that is jumping on motorcycles with total strangers? (another story for another day!) Then the unthinkable happened. I was told I was carrying a baby that was going to die, if not inside of me then shortly after she was born, and she did. This planted the seed of fear that I have been unable to shake since.
This verse was shared with us today, which I have heard before but today I actually HEARD it. Not only will I think back on this, I will make it my prayer for my life, not just my overprotective parenting.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7

Balloon Release and Baby Dust

2011-10-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since blogging on this blog, not that I have not tried. I have several posts that I started and one even finished but could not publish it. I don't know whether I am tired of sharing my grief or feel like others would be tired of hearing about it. The grief is not fun, some times I feel like it is so easy but then a huge wave comes rushing over me and in the end, I just want my baby here with us.
The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Originally we had planned to go to a big event in Minnesota but adding a new baby with poor planning does not make a big trip happen! Instead we planned a small balloon release at the cemetery which turned out very nice. There were several women that had been touched by miscarraige or infant death that were able to attend while others sent pictures of balloons they had released from other areas. We had gotten 10 balloons and they all ended up traveling together since the cards knotted up!

I had entered a drawing for a free signed copy of the new book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy. Saturday afternoon I came home and it was in the mailbox. I was so excited to get it and opened it to read just a few pages. Before I knew it, I was over 100 pages into it! I had to put it up for awhile to feed my family but after the girls went to bed I jumped right back into it. Greg was watching the Cardinals so he did not mind and I finished the book that evening! Needless to say, I really enjoyed this book. There were so many parts where I was just thinking, "I have totally been there!" It touches on the lives of 5 women who have all been affected by the loss of a baby in some way. All of their situations were different but they were united through the grief of their babies. Thank you to Honoring Our Angels Blog for the wonderful gift :)

Olivia's 1st Birthday

2011-06-07T05:27:00.000-07:00

Better late than never? Olivia's first birthday was May 12th and I have managed to completely skip blogging about her birthday. Blogger had been down when I first tried and my physically and emotionally demanding pregnancy has kept me away from blogging. Leading up to her birthday, the entire month before, I grieved like I had not grieved since losing her. I found myself crying and breaking down ALL the time, in the most uncomfortable of situations. Needless to say, I was nervous about her actual birthday and how difficult it would be. I had plans and ideas of how I had wanted the day to go and let them fall to the side because I honestly did not want to have to deal with it. In the end, I could not have been happier with how her birthday turned out.

When May 12th rolled around I was again refilled by the peace that only God could provide. It was wonderful to just have a day for her where it was nothing was expected of us as parents to do anything except think of Olivia. There were sad moments and tears but mostly celebrating her life and how great our lives really have become since she was part of it. Except Greg taking the day off, it was a normal weekday routine with our special remembrances of Olivia worked in as part of our day, just like if she were here with us. We sent the girls to preschool in the morning without reminding them it was Olivia's birthday, I was worried for the teachers trying to diffuse an awkward situation with 20 preschoolers asking questions about death and heaven without warning. Greg and I were able to go to Effingham to get balloons for the balloon release and the ice cream cake without kids. It was a miracle that the balloons fit in our car! I seriously underestimated how big 25 helium balloons would be and was so glad the girls were not with us for that!

We had just enough time to get balloons and cake in the house and then right back to the school to pick up the girls. I love that life still continues, no matter how some moments I wish it wouldn't! At the school Makayla did not have her glasses on her face (that we had just had fixed the day before!), the details are still fuzzy but too many kids going down one slide = glasses bent up! Thankfully the lenses were still intact! We also had another accident report for Hannah, she fell off of something on the playground. This might sound insensitive but I am immune at this point, I'm sure she set a record for accident reports sent home!

Once we got them in the car they were excited when we reminded them it was Olivia's birthday. I love that, to them she is their sister and they were ready to celebrate! We went to the cemetery after lunch for the balloon release. Hannah was too excited and let her balloons go early, she did get more though.

After the balloon release the girls went to dance class, where Hannah and another girl bumped heads resulting in a big swollen black eye for the other girl....did I mention that life still happened this day?? We went back to town in the evening and ate dinner out with just the 4 of us. There is a local restaurant that sends out coupons for birthdays and since May is our month, we had a coupon from Makayla's birthday. The waitress asked Makayla if she was the birthday girl and both Makayla and looked at us cautiously. Makayla told her "I'm not the birthday girl." I quickly diverted that and reminded Makayla that it WAS her birthday last week and the waitress was gone. After dinner we came home ate the icecream cake. The girls sang a sweet version of Happy Birthday to Olivia that they made up on their own.

Throughout the day we had received many messages, some cards and gifts that were so appreciated! It was nice to know that we were not remembering Olivia alone. My friend Yolanda brought by a copy of "Heaven is For Real." I also received an Olivia pendent from another baby loss mom, Kara. I plan to make it into a keychain but for now it's in my kitchen window so I see it everytime I do dishes (which is 2-3 times a day!).

Holly sent me a picture of Olivia's name.

Mothers Day and First Birthday

2011-05-11T07:28:00.001-07:00

I had no idea that Mother's Day would have become so difficult. It was a day that I found myself juggling the feelings of how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful healthy daughters and the pain of missing Olivia. I have found a way, in my daily life, to balance these feelings. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Olivia, she is just part of Greg and me but when I think of her it is not always sad or full of grief. The pain of losing her is so magnified on the special days like Christmas and Mother's Day.

It was difficult to even get out of the house on Sunday but I did it. I am so thankful for Makayla and Hannah, their joy for everything is what helped me survive Mother's Day. They were just excited to celebrate something. We went to church and met my grandma and Greg's parents for lunch. I found myself fighting back tears every time someone told me Happy Mother's Day (unless it was coming from Makayla and Hannah). Of course I did not share that with anyone, it's awkward and I really did not want to hear "At least you still have 2 healthy children." Yes, I have heard it and while I love them and so grateful I have been given the opportunity to raise them, we have had 3 children, not 2. It is not easier that I knew she was going to die or that she lived an hour instead of years, it still hurts.

I hope Mother's Day gets easier in the coming years. I'm sure since it was the first one without Olivia it was so much more difficult and her 1st birthday is the same week. Tomorrow is her birthday and I hope the day is peaceful for us. Greg is taking the day off and we are still not sure what we will be doing. I have ordered some balloons for a balloon release at the cemetery and will probably get an icecream cake because I am addicted to them. I would really love to just go somewhere with the girls and get away so we will see what we can do, weather permitting!

Tired of Grieving

2011-04-26T06:03:00.000-07:00

As we approach Olivia's first birthday I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I am just tired of grieving. It is something I have no control over. It does not consume my every moment but I know this will never go away.

Our little family is full of joy and happiness. We have continued with our lives, continued to move forward and LIVE while keeping Olivia's memory alive but I just wish it wasn't this way. We shouldn't be a "little family," we are having a fourth daughter, not a third! I refuse to leave her out when asked the number of children we have, something I was not always comfortable with. BUT I am tired of this. I do not want to have to skim over Olivia's age ("would have been 1 in May") and quickly change the subject as if it is just a trivial detail in our family's history. I do not want to get in a conversation every time I mention her to someone new about why she is not here with us. I just want her here.

I know I should be celebrating the time we did have with her, rather than focusing on how much we are missing out on. She had 34 weeks of life inside of me and 58 minutes on this earth! What a celebration, her life could have easily ended at 13 weeks based on the advice of a specialist. She could have passed at anytime before I went into labor or even not survived the trauma of her delivery but we were given so much more! She was the most active baby I have ever had, she continued to move throughout the entire labor, almost letting me know she was still here. I know that every life has a purpose but what purpose does it serve to be born to die so soon? And if there is a purpose for all of this, why was our daughter the one who had to be sacrificed for that purpose? Someday I will know, until then, I will hold on to that 58 minutes and know that her life mattered.

I just want so badly to be planning a one year old's birthday party rather than something to remember her on May 12th. I want to pick out a fun birthday cake and watch her eat it, not try to decide if we should have a cake for us and the girls. I want to pick out an outfit and special toy, not try to bring myself to work on the design for her headstone.

The grief always has a way of representing itself when least expected. I look at pictures of us as a family since last May and know there is one more and she is not here. Strangers will tell us that our girls are cute or we have a great family and I just want to scream "There is one more! This is not our whole family!"

I'm just so tired of it all, I do not want to be part of this family, the baby loss community. I love the women I have met through this pain, I am glad we have the internet to connect. I am glad we do not have to grieve alone or silently.

With all of that being said, I still believe I would do it all again. This is a whole different subject and post but as much as I HATE that this happened to our family, I know that the blessings from this will far outweigh the pain. I know that even if I do not understand these sufferings in this lifetime, God has a plan and a purpose and it is so much greater than I will ever comprehend.

11 months, Prayer request!

2011-04-12T13:52:00.001-07:00

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

Today is 11 months since we were blessed to hold our little girl. How I wish she were right here with me and I was blogging about how close she was to walking or already doing so. Makayla walked at 10.5 months and Hannah at 11 months so I have a feeling Olivia would be keeping up with them by now.

Even as I sit here trying to blog about Olivia, my heart is so heavy for other mothers and their journeys. Another mother, Daphne, is celebrating her twins Harper and Olivia's 1st birthday. Harper is here on earth, a continuous joy to her family while her Olivia, who also had anencephaly ,is celebrating her birthday in heaven.

There is another mother though, Allison, that just found out that her daughter has anencephaly today. I can hardly even type this part through tears because this is not the first time she is experiencing this. Her daughter, VeraAnn, was also diagnosed with anencephaly and was born in November, 2009. She and her husband have 2 healthy daughters so why this is happening for a second time, God only knows. Although I have not gotten to know Allison well, it still breaks my heart as if she was a sister that I was raised with. There is a bond between mothers in the baby loss community and our hearts ache for eachother as much as they rejoice over good news. Some people are already commenting "sorry for your loss." For now, as far as I know, her daughter is still growing inside of her. She is not lost, her life is still as valuable as any other, no matter how short it will be. I cannot imagine how difficult the next weeks and months are going to be for this family, preparing to bury a baby once again.

There is so much fear in a pregnancy after you lose one child. People that have not experienced it try to reassure you that it won't happen again, but it does happen again. I am trying so hard to not sit here and question God, I want to know WHY??? Why does this have to happen even once and after it does, why would the same family have to go through it all over again? I know his plan is greater than I could ever imagine and I will never understand "why" these things happen until I leave this imperfect world. Please pray that this family will be surrounded by God's love, comfort, strength and peace as they try to navigate this pregnancy.

Remembering Together Bouquet Swap

2011-04-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

I just stumbled across this page through Holly's Caring for Carleigh page tonight and I am very excited to participate in it.

The Remembering Together Bouquet Swap is for baby loss mothers to swap a floral inspired craft with eachother for Mother's Day. Check out the blog, there is plenty of info there. I am not the craftiest person but I love this idea and cannot wait for the name to be sent to me! The deadline to sign up is April 10th. If you cannot access the link, there is a facebook page that you can "like" and start there.

When I first saw this I messaged about 15 other mothers, then decided it would be easier to post this way.

Fear

2011-04-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

About a week and a half ago, a Saturday night, I decided for some reason to pull out Olivia's things that we had brought home from the hospital. I had been sitting on the couch, feeling Claire move and I suddenly became terrified, remembering leaving the hospital without my baby. What if it all happened again? What if this baby grows and thrives and suddenly stops? I was consumed with fear and every movement was making it worse. I did not want to feel her move, at that moment I did not want to become attached to this little person that was not even fully developed. I was afraid of loving her and losing her too. The truth is though, it is too late to worry about becoming attached or loving her, we have loved her since she was just 2 pink lines on a stick.

So I pulled out Olivia's belongings and stared at the tiny little pile in front of me. We have a little pink outfit that she wore that the hospital gave us. We had taken two outfits, one was too big and the other she was buried in. There is a blanket that came with her outfit, the hat she wore, her hospital bracelets, the hospital birth certificate, the card with her information on it and her hand and foot prints. I just stared at her stuff thinking about how horrible it is to go into a hospital with so much life still growing inside, when she left the hospital in was in a body bag probably the size of a duffle bag.

I took a hot bath, which usually calms me down but I could not stop crying through the whole thing. The pain was as real as the day we found out Olivia would die, the nights we would lay in bed and wonder how we would get through it. As real as laying in the hospital bed waiting to deliver her and just praying that she would be born alive.

I had almost completely written off doing any Bible reading or devotion but decided it couldn't hurt me anymore than what I was already feeling. I'm not even sure it was the right day but the verse said "Do not be afraid, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:5)" Since the devotional I had opened was for couples, the extra stuff had nothing to do with how I was feeling so I went to that verse in the Bible. To my surprise, when I opened to Isaiah, the page I was going to was marked with the ribbon bookmark. I read the verse then went back to the beginning of the chapter and stopped when I read the 2nd verse:

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze(Isaiah 43:2)

I instantly knew that God had provided that verse for me to read that night. I laid in bed thinking about my biggest fear with this pregnancy, losing another baby. I decided I can either allow my fears to consume all the joy that this new life is bringing to our family or I can enjoy my baby now. I am choosing to enjoy this pregnancy, Claire is kicking the computer as I type! I do not know what will happen tomorrow but for today everything is good and I will be satisfied in knowing that even if the worst would happen, the waters will not sweep over me. Greg and I, along with too many other parents, have walked this road before. We all come through in the end because that is what we have to do and God provides the comfort and strength to allow us to move forward as many times as we need it.

It took about a week to push my fears out but each time I began to worry I thought of these two verses. Whatever fear I might have with our children, work, finances I remind myself of Isaiah 43:5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I know that I cannot navigate this life alone so now is not the time to start trying!

It's been awhile

2011-02-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I have posted on my blogs. Over four weeks since we have announced the expectany of baby #4 on our family blog. For some reason, it just seems more difficult to seperate the feelings of grief and the feelings of pregnancy but I think they might just have to coexist, they are both a part of me.

I am now 16 weeks and 3 days pregnant with this new little bundle which we are overjoyed about but also very guarded. We do know that this baby does not have anencephaly. This has been followed up with comments of "you must be so relieved now," "now you can start working on the nursery," "I bet you are hoping for a boy," and the list goes on and on of comments that I can respond to and really make an awkward situation.

"You must be so relieved." That's a loaded one, while I do feel relieved that this baby does not have anencephaly, I also am very aware that I have a long road before he/she is born and how many other things could go wrong before that. I almost feel as if I am doubting that God will bless us with another living child. I know that I am not, I just know that nothing in this life is gauranteed because we want it to happen or we "deserve" it. One bad outcome will not shield us from further pain this side of heaven, we are in a fallen world and there will be suffering even if we do not "deserve" it. So yes, while I am relieved, I continue to pray that this baby will be born healthy and our faith will not have to be tested again by losing another child.

That seems to roll right into the next comment "now you can start working on the nursery." Definitely not. I am not sure I will want to put it together before we bring the baby home quite honestly. Some days I am just ready to buy stuff and get started but most days I cannot imagine putting together a nursery just to come home empty handed again. In less than 4 weeks we will have another ultrasound to determine all other organs are fully functioning, rule out other NTDs and the GENDER. I am so excited to know, I am not a supporter of waiting till the baby comes out. Do not tell me it's the one last surprise in life, I am still surprised when I come home and Greg has cleaned up the house, I do not need to wait for a baby to come out for to be surprised. (No offense to others who prefer to wait, that is your decision, go you!) I think knowing the gender will help me move forward in preparing for this baby whatever it may be!

How appropriate to follow with my final comment, "I bet you are hoping for a boy." I know that nobody means anything by this but it stings every single time. This is the first time I can honestly say I do not care what this baby is as long as it is healthy. With Makayla and Hannah, I wanted girls, period. And I have my girls. With Olivia, I/we really wanted a boy, preferably twin boys but one would have been fine. Looking back, I would have taken 100 girls as long as they were all healthy and in my arms. I think it's about time to start buying some blue in our house but if pink is once again in our future, that will be perfect too. We have already picked a girl name, but cannot figure out a boy name (I have my boy name but Greg is not completely sold).

I'm not sure if this post is completely tied together but I have missed my blogger world and cannot wait to catch up with everyone. I have not forgotten you guys, I have just needed to step back for awhile.

I feel as if I should add that I am indeed excited for this pregnancy, it just comes with a whole new level of emotions when following the loss of Olivia. The due dates are about a month apart and the milestones almost fall together on the calendar. The reminders are there daily but I am sure they would be whether I was pregnant again or not.

First Christmas

2010-12-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

With Christmas quickly approaching I thought I should do a quick post. This is going to be far from an emotional post since I am just not in that kind of a mood today, thank God!!!

Olivia would have been 7 months this Christmas, the same age as Makayla and Hannah for their first Christmas. Obviously we have a thing for May babies!! We decorated a Christmas tree for the cemetery and chose to not post pictures because it looks so tacky (smile). It's ok to laugh at that, the girls put their entire hearts into it! It was a small tree with a little package of decorations, the girls decided they wanted more decorations and it is now filled with giant snowflakes. We loved watching them work so hard and of course we told them it was beautiful.

I try to imagine what it would be like with a baby this Christmas and I honestly cannot picture it. I watch Makayla and Hannah bounce all over the place and enjoy that this is the first year they are REALLY into Christmas. They love it all, they love hearing the story of baby Jesus, they love that Santa is coming and the presents under the tree. This might be the funnest Christmas with the 2 of them that we have ever had.

Makayla's first Christmas

Hannah's first Christmas

Another mother, Shannon, who lost her daughter Skylar to anencephaly this year made an angel tree. She sent a picture of an Olivia ornament. Thank you again Shannon, I am always so grateful to "meet" other mothers who have suffered loss, we continue to remember our babies together.

December 11

2010-12-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

Saturday, December 11th, marked the one year anniversary that we found out that our baby would not be coming home with us. It was a day that I allowed to pass without too much thought, the days leading up to it were difficult but we had Christmas parties that day so I pushed it to the back of my mind. The next day, all of the emotions from last year came flooding back.

December 11th will forever be remembered as the most significant day of my life. Before then, my life was going the way I wanted. Greg and I were better than ever, our girls were healthy and beautiful and we were expecting another baby. Life was great. The week before, my doctor scheduled an ultrasound because his heart rate monitor was broken. I remember him telling me, just like it was yesterday, "we'll get an ultrasound, then you can have pictures too." Little did I know that I would be walking out of that ultrasound with only one picture of her hand and have to make a decision that would change our lives forever.

Looking back through my posts I remember each heartache along the way. It still feels like part of our lives is missing. It is impossible to have a baby, go home empty handed then continue life as normal. There are reminders every day, I have just learned to live with them. In many ways my heart is healing. I do not know if it will ever fully heal but there have been blessings in our lives because of Olivia. I would love to say I would give up those blessings to have our daughter here with us but that is not the plan God had for her life or ours. One of the greatest blessings that has come out of the last year is Greg becoming a Christian. He always attended church with the girls and I, did his duty on Sunday morning then went on with his week. Over the last year, he has accepted Jesus as his Savior and his faith has grown immensely. I would love to say this would have happened even if Olivia was healthy but I cannot be sure of that. I have learned through this that faith grows during the darkest points of our lives.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T08:17:00.000-08:00

I was hesitating to blog about how miserable the idea of holidays has been to be the last week or two but decided to anyway. As a general rule, I love to celebrate....well, anything. Holidays are no exception, until this year.

We were planning on having our families over to our house on Thanksgiving. Last weekend I allowed all negativity to set in and decided we were not having Thanksgiving at our house and I did not plan on attending dinner anywhere. I know that sounds incredibly negative, because it is. I decided that I would not be sitting at a table with my brother, who is in no position to be having a child but has a healthy one on the way. I was not going to sit and pretend that I am happy and avoid talking about my daughter because it makes people uncomfortable, no matter how supportive they can be. I was just depressed. I was reminded by a family member that I have so much to be thankful for. Excuse me? Yes I am well aware of how much I have to be thankful for but that DOES NOT take away my pain from the last year!!

With all of that said, I was content with the idea of staying home and avoiding any sign of Thanksgiving. Greg and I both probably would have if we did not have Makayla and Hannah pushing us forward and I thank God they are here. Greg's family agreed to host dinner with just 3 days notice. Our families came together once again and when the day actually arrived, the bitterness went away. I still sat at the dinner table imagining a high chair with a chubby little 6 month old or not even getting to sit with everyone else while entertaining a restless baby. Olivia was not there and it hurts. Someone had posted on the support group a story of thanking God for the thorns in our lives and it was the most needed post, for me, that I have seen in awhile. I will not paste the entire story but the best quote was at the end.
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."
This Thanksgiving, I am thanking God for bringing Olivia into our lives. Although there is more pain through this journey than I ever imagined I would have to bear, I would not trade her or what I have become for anything. I am thankful for my wonderful husband who has taken the brunt of the depressing holiday feelings. I am thankful for my healthy living children, Makayla and Hannah, who have kept us going every single day!

On a happier note, we put up our tree last night and the spirit of Christmas is alive in our household!

Six Months

2010-11-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

"Grief is exhausting, and grieving your children is more exhausting. It's the job you didn't sign up or apply for and the job you can't quit...." ~Unknown~

This quote was posted on the Baby Loss Mommas facebook page this week, and it was definitely a week for me to see it. This last week has been by far the most difficult since the beginning of losing Olivia. It came as a huge surprise to me, not that any month has been "easy," 6 months has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I went back to the feelings of how cheated we all are. Greg and I will never have the chance to watch our 3rd daughter grow up. I watch Makayla and Hannah play and my mind drifts to how well Olivia would have blended right in. The girls look and play with other babies, they would be wonderful big sisters. Instead, they tell random cashiers and waiters that their sister is in heaven. I am so glad they do not feel the same need to hold back that I do so often.

It seems as if my grieving process has restarted all over again. Olivia died and there is no timeline on this grief, everytime I think things are going smoothly it all comes flooding back again. I have had a very difficult time finding time to just deal with my grief. I know that it is okay for my kids to see me cry but that is not the life I want for them so I push it back. I do not have a long commute to and from work to be alone with my thoughts or feelings. It seems as if I have to write time into my schedule to cry because it is just not convenient.

I am not looking forward to the next month and a half. I love holidays but I face each one knowing that part of our family is missing. We are also getting closer to the date we found out that we could love and nurture the life growing inside of me but we would not be bringing our baby home. I am not very eloquent today for an ending but please keep our family in prayers for this holiday season as we are keeping your families in ours!

In God's Hands - The Rochesters

2010-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

This song was shared with me through facebook. Thank you Allison for introducing it to me!

Losing weight after losing a baby

2010-10-29T10:22:00.001-07:00

Along with the numerous issues that come with losing a child, losing weight has been a struggle for me. I knew that I would have weight to lose after having Olivia, just like my first 2 pregnancies, but I had no idea the emotional toll the extra weight would be.

I have a degree in exercise, I love to exercise and I work in a gym. So what's the problem? I have been working on trying to figure that out the last 4 months. After giving birth to Makayla, most of the weight just fell off. I exercised up until the day before being induced. Then I became pregnant with Hannah when Makayla was just a couple of months old so the idea of getting back into shape was on the backburner. Then just 12 1/2 short months after having my first child, Hannah came along. That girl ate like a champ and I never even had to worry about my weight (until she quit breastfeeding :P) I did not breastfeed Makayla, I tried but did not succeed. I never knew that it would be the missing link for weight loss, I'm sure it helped that I was doing my internship and blasting out over 100 squats per day.

Before giving birth to Olivia, I thought I would hit the gym full force as quickly as possible. I would exercise morning, noon and night to shed any evidence that I had ever been pregnant. At least when you are carting around a newborn, anything short of a pregnant belly looks skinny, this time I had no visual excuse for my muffin top. The first two weeks after giving birth, I had lost just over 20 pounds......and I stopped there. I have maintained exercising regularly but the motivation for that extra push was hard to find. The exercise burn that I used to crave was gone. I did not want to hurt more, the hurt inside was so intense and I did not want to hurt on the outside too.

I was also angry that I could not breastfeed the weight away. I thought I would try to pump and donate milk, through that I would be doing something good for another baby and I would burn some extra calories. That became a chore, I pumped just enough to keep myself from becoming engorged and hoarded the milk. I thought "This milk should be for my baby and if she cannot have it, no baby can!" I know how selfish that seems but I think I can allow myself some selfishness through this. I did not pump enough anyway to send into a milkbank so that milk eventually went bye bye.

I finally have reached the point in the last few weeks where I am ready to bust my booty back in shape. I am not sure what the new motivation is but I am done having no confidence in my body. I do not mean the physical appearance. What I mean is, my body failed me, I was supposed to be able to carry a healthy child and that did not happen. I am extremely excited to see what I can achieve, I have lost weight and toned my body before, I know I can do it again.

If any of my fellow BLM's have felt the same way or struggled to lose the weight, let me know what worked for you (or what did not work!) I plan to update my blog with this new journey, this should be extra motivation since I would rather say I dropped a pant size instead of "I just tore up 4 cookies!"

1 Corintians 6: 19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Acceptance

2010-10-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to type this post for over a week now but waited to make sure I would still feel the same way. Something changed in the last couple of weeks. I am no longer in that fog that surrounded me for so many months. I did not even fully realize how off I had been from myself. I am so thankful we are picture freaks because it helps me to remember how much fun we really had this summer.

I feel as if I have come to accept what happened to our lives, to our sweet little baby. It still hurts but I no longer think of it as what should have been. What should have happenen did happen. This is definitely not what I would have chosen for my life but God allowed this to happen and both Greg and I have grown beyond measure. When I begin to have my wishful thinking, I think of how it could have been with Olivia. I see sweet little baby girls that are about 5 months and my eyes linger a little longer. I do not want those babies, I want my baby but I enjoy seeing what stage she would have been at if she were still with us. My heart is longing for a baby but we will wait to see what God has in store for us. We have already learned that our timeline is much different from God's timeline.

Do not confuse this with me being "over it." I do not see how any parent could possibly fully get past burying their own child. I have had a peace through this whole process but it is as if the peace has moved me even further. As a parent, we want to raise children who make a difference in the world, children who change lives and impact people around them. Olivia's life outside of my womb was 58 minutes which may seem insignificant to some. In the short time she was with us she changed our world and our lives, she has made a difference to her parents, her life mattered. Aside from the obvious, what more could we ask for?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I have shared this verse before and probably will 100 more times but I love it. It has ministered to me so many times, I have continuously spoken about the peace we have felt through this process. I truly believe that God provides peace beyond understanding, I could have never walked this path alone and I am so grateful for the promise that God will never leave us alone.

Blog Award

2010-09-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks Kara for including me in this blog award! Your blog is a beautiful and loving tribute to your beautiful Karrine!

The rules for this award are as follows:
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.
(although it's okay with me if you don't pass the award on - I know we're all busy!)

I have chosen to honor the following blogs of fellow baby loss parents:
1. Baby Jack-Brad and Sarah Lundell
2.Eli's Valley-Jennifer Hill
3.Emma and Connor's Page-Mom Sarah
4. Isabella Grace- Mary Smith
5. Olivia Kathleen & Harper Mae- Daphne Freeman
6. Carried Through Grief- Stephanie
7. Haas Family Blessings- Holly Haas
8. Amelia Grace- Melissa Lorang
9. Lilly Elizabeth- Elena Strode
10. Our Angel Ella- Penny

Olivia photo

2010-09-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

I was sent another Olivia photo, it was taken in Cozumel Mexico. Olivia's name is doing more traveling than we are! Thank you Penny!

Not sure of a title!

2010-09-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

This posting is bouncing all over the place but welcome to my thought process! I cannot seem to focus on one thing for too long and I am pretty good at interrupting and changing the subject, even with myself! :)

I just need to start out with a picture of me and the girls on my birthday.....I just LOVE them!!!!

As posted in previous posts, I have a real issue with saying I have 2 children when I have 3 but it is difficult for me to say 3. This weekend, when asked "how many kids do you have?" I simply answered, "I've had 3." Then I quickly say they are all girls and make jokes about how Greg cannot give me boys (poor Greg!). This allowed the jump right past th "how old are they" questions. I am not at all sure that I will always be able to answer "3" but I am just so glad that I did it even one day.

This weekend was great, I was able to go with some of my Lia Sophia ladies to a training in Chicago. It's so nice to be able to get away for a day or two and come home an energized mommy! I just wanted to add this picture because I like it :)

I have been thinking alot about comments said to me when I was pregnant. Not the usual sympathy ones that we all expect but comments on how happy I still seemed. People would tell Greg that it was great that I was still living life and smiling. I had also been told that you could not look at me and tell something was wrong. Although I was (and still am) going through the most difficult time in my life, I still have so much to live for and be happy about. Two friends in one week told me that I just "shined." I didn't think much of it at the time, I was kindof tan (just kidding!). I have been thinking of that more often lately though. At that point in my life I had put all of my faith in the fact that God would carry me through this. I would daily, if not several times a day, pray for strength and peace. That was granted to me time and time again. As anyone who has walked this road before would know, you cannot get through it alone. The shine that I had was radiating from God working within me and He continues to do so.

After I had Olivia I was afraid that my growth in God would take a backseat to other things in my life. It is so much easier to be faithful to God and share that love when going through difficult times. I want to make sure I can continue that path, whether times are good or bad. I want to continue to "shine" and know that it is coming from God and not from myself!

9 months

2010-09-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

Nine months seems like a lifetime to wait for your baby after finding out that you are pregnant. Nine months of planning and dreaming and sometimes worrying. The fact is, having a healthy baby is lifechanging whether it's the first or tenth child in the family. There are hopes and fears about how this new little one will fit into the big picture, how you can manage juggling a carseat and 2 toddlers through a grocery store. Nine months seems so long but it is never enough time to plan or prepare for another little person to care for.

Nine months ago today we went in for a routine ultrasound at 12 weeks. Nine months ago today were told our baby would die. 0In some ways it seems so long ago, I feel like so much of the last 9 months was lived in a fog that I still haven't completely come out of. Tomorrow Olivia would have been 4 months old. Every month milestone I tell myself that I will not be affected by the date but I am. I do not want the 11th of every month to sting and the 12th of every month to be a reminder that our daughter is gone.

Even though tomorrow is the 4 month mark, I feel ok. I have a heaviness in my heart because she is gone but so far I have not felt completely crushed this time around. I will pray that I continue to not feel worse. I just want to be happy, I have been blessed with an awesome family.

Makayla and Hannah have been so awesome the last two weeks. They have been getting along, playing well together and they just keep doing so many cute things! I am one of those moms who brag about my kids and talk about them all the time, even when other people might not care. Since having Olivia I am soooo much worse about my gushing but I know now, more than ever, that they are the greatest gifts Greg and I could ever ask for.

How many kids do you have?

2010-09-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have continually struggled with how to answer the question, "How many children do you have?" Or while in a store, "are these your only two?" when out with Makayla and Hannah. I find myself over and over saying that I only have 2 kids. I hate it, I hate that it comes out so easily but it rips my heart out every single time. I just want to be comfortable saying I have 3, I want to speak my daughters name without seeing a slight cringe from others. Not every person in my life acts uncomfortable with me saying Olivia but most people do.

I attended a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting for the first time last week. I had heard about it since having my first child but never actually thought I would attend one. I ended up having a good time and enjoying myself. I did however have to face the question "How many children do you have?" The first time I was asked there were only 2 other women with me, I said 3. That is a HUGE step for me, I do not think I have ever told anybody 3 that did not already know about Olivia. It quickly became awkward when asked ages. I said "4, 3 and one would have been almost 4 months." After that,I told anyone else who asked that I have 2 children. I wish I had the confidence to say I have three girls. I never would have imagined that the pregnancy, knowing how it would end, would be easier than walking through life without my baby. I carried her, I held her in my arms and hugged and kissed her. She is my baby, I love her but I still deny her to others almost daily!

I have been dealing with a different kind of grief the last month. Obviously I have been grieving for my child but also for myself. I have changed. It has been almost a year since I became pregnant with Olivia. I miss who I was before, I was carefree. I could talk to people and take in what they would say, now I find myself wondering what I had a conversation about an hour after I had it. My mind is always drifting, not always sad but thinking. I watch the girls play and picture where Olivia would be while her sisters run all over the place. The biggest stress when thinking about having a 3rd child was worrying about sleep or how many diapers we would go through. I really just miss being me, not the new me! I have become a stronger person than I knew I could be but I wish I did not have to know that strength.

If I could go back and change the outcome and have a happy healthy baby, I would do it. Since I cannot, I would still do it all over again. I have learned so much about myself, I have also learned that my faith is real. It is so easy to say "I believe in God" or memorize scripture and attend church every Sunday. When it came down walking through the darkest part of my life, I truly learned to lean on God and put all of my trust in Him, knowing that I would be ok. The pregnancy with Olivia was the most physically uncomfortable out of all pregnancies. The last couple of months it would hurt to lay down, to sit for too long, everything just hurt. At about 32 weeks I could not take it anymore. I had nothing left to do but pray. I prayed for my pain to go away or to just go into labor. I did not want to have my baby yet but my body had hit its limit. I begged and pleaded with God, telling Him I could not take anymore. From that night on and for the next 2 weeks, I felt great. I went back to having just typical aches and pains of pregnancy and of course heartburn!

When I began having pain again 2 weeks later I knew the end was coming. After 2 days of contracting I laid on my couch and prayed again, just like 2 weeks before. This time I prayed that if this was it, I was ready. I prayed for the strength to get through what was about to come and he delivered. I wish I could have had another ending to my story. That my faith was tested but Olivia still came home and we lived happily ever after. For now, I will truly believe that God knows why were given this path to take and just keep moving forward.

Friends having babies

2010-08-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

I have debated on whether I should post about a close friend having her baby or not. I will not lie, that has urned out to be one of the more difficult parts of this journey. I decided to post for any other mothers that might be facing the same difficult situation.

A close friend of mine was due 7 weeks after my due date, 7 weeks ended up being almost exactly 3 months since I went into labor at 34 weeks. I'm sure using her name would be no issue but I will still use only R, just incase. Greg and I knew 2 other friends that were due during the same week as me and I still have only seen one of the babies once since they have given birth. I have had some obvious issues with seeing babies, either in a carseat or being passed around and gushed over since having Olivia. The friend that most recently had her baby, R, seemed initially to be the most difficult. She has 2 boys the same age as Makayla and Hannah and was due with a little girl. The week R was due, she was due on a Monday and did not have her daughter until Friday. That may have been the most difficult week I have experienced. Not only was my friend due with a baby girl, she lives across the street from me. I did not know how I would be able to handle looking across the street, seeing her with her 3 kids knowing that is exactly what our family should look like right now. Our baby girls should have grown up being friends just like our older kids. I spent every single night laying in bed miserable just thinking that I would not want to lose a friend but not sure I could be around her anymore (for awhile at least).

The day she was due to be induced, she ended up going into labor on her own early in the morning. I almost called into work but somehow I went to work that morning. I thought that it would be a good distraction and I wouldn't have to face looking across the street for additional reminders of what was happening that day. Before work I received a text saying the baby was born. Suprisingly that relieved some of the pressure by not having to wait and wonder when she would be done with labor and delivery. It was an usually quiet morning at work. Only one person was in the gym at one point, the woman was best friend's with R's mother in law. I just sat behind the computer dying inside as she talked on the phone with the mother in law, gushing about the new addition to the family. Talk about having the worst luck in the world! I got through the day and went home. Greg and I were going to a baseball game that night so it turned out to be a great distraction.

The next day I was still not sure if I should go to the hospital, I had a meeting early so I knew I would be going after lunch so I had time to figure it out. I decided to go to the hospital. Before going I just knew that I would not hold the baby or probably even look at her. Greg met with me and we went together. When we go into the room, it was just R and the baby. I looked at the baby and thought, "okay, not too bad for me." It did help that she was cute and I was curious. After a couple of minutes I asked to hold her. I did not cry, I did not see Olivia or have a flooding of memories. I saw their beautiful baby girl, she looks like their family, nothing like any of our girls. It was wonderful to hold her and just feel okay being around babies again. I think the most difficult part of the whole thing was when her husband and sons came back to the room. To see them together with 3 kids, the family of 5 that we should be, stung at first. That sting is gone, it is just part of life now. I get to visit and hold the baby, the kids get to play and I do not have to sit around dreading catching a glimpse of their baby. People tell me they do not know how I handle things, I handle them because I face what is in front of me. There is no turning back so I say a little prayer and just keep moving forward.

I am only typing about this incase you are faced with this situation or have had to face it yourself. I think had I not gone to the hospital I would have never known that I could be ok with it. No part of this journey is easy but it would have been horrible to lose a friend because of my fears. I really encourage seeing friends or family that have babies, I'm not saying it is easy at all but holding that baby did the opposite of what I had thought. There is always an excuse or escape story you can plan if you find yourself falling apart! (I did not need to use it but I had one!!)

Olivia's Name in Sand

2010-08-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

A blogger friend, Jennifer, took a picture of Olivia's name in the sand. It was hidden in my mess of e-mail and I finally found it again! Thank you Jennifer, I love it!

2010-08-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

Most days I feel like I am doing great. I know what I have lost and I will never get her back but I am so grateful for what I still have here. Then it all comes crashing down again. It could probably be contributed to finishing moving, going from 100 mph to having some down time.

I cannot explain the feeling the last 2 nights. I had the crushing reality once again that my baby is not with me. I layed in bed sobbing, unable to sleep. My arms were empty, I want my baby back. I NEED my baby in my arms, I need to be able to look into her room and see her sleeping peacefully. Instead I lay awake, alone with the aching for my child. I cannot explain the level of deep pain. I find myself looking at pictures of Olivia and wanting to hide them because it hurts so bad. Instead I keep them out and just deal with the pain. This is not how it is supposed to be. A mother without her child, and it happens more often than people know, more than people like to talk about it.

I think that in the 2 1/2 short months that we had lived in our house after losing Olivia, we had just become so accustomed to her belongings being around us. With moving, everything is packed and really looked at for the first time in awhile. For the first time in awhile I was also looking at the cribs broken down in the garage, the pink rocker that we had rocked Makayla and Hannah in. Just another harsh reality that they were never needed this time. I became very protetive of the few things we have of hers. I'm very upset that a couple of figurines were broken, they can be easily fixed since they were nice clean breaks but they were still broken.

We have a room that we are making into an office, I just shut the door half of the time, it should be Olivia's room. I don't want an office in there, I want a nursery. I would much rather try to find a place to set up our computer than have an empty crib stored above the garage.

Days like these are beyond miserable but I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this. I do not have to carry myself through this darkness, even though at times I forget or try to do it on my own. I just keep praying, thanking God for the family I have been blessed with and Him continuing to carry me through this grief.

Busy Weeks: Part 2

2010-07-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

Last Friday Hannah had to get her tonsils taken out. It was a much needed operation, she snored, choked on food and sleep was becoming an issue. As much as I knew she needed her surgery, and it is such a routine one, I felt terrible about doing it. I think all mothers are scared at the idea of having their children operated on. Over the last few months I have become paranoid about the safety of my living children, I will not get into all of my fears right now but there are more than enough of them!

Friday morning we took Hannah into the hospital bright and early. She was bright, happy, very active and actually excited for surgery. We did not tell her she would wake up in pain, it would have not changed the outcome and I did not want her going into it scared. She walked off from her little recovery room with a nurse and she did not even want Greg or I to go as far as we could with her. We were then moved to the family conference room. There we sat, it was only about 15-20 minutes but that was the longest 15-20 minutes of my life. I sat there in fear and guilt for putting my 3 year old baby through surgery. I kept thinking, maybe she was not that bad with her tonsils. Her tonsils were huge and covered her entire throat but I still felt horrible.

As I sat in that room, exactly one month past my due date and on the same floor I had given birth, I tried to focus on Hannah. It was impossible. The last time I was on that floor my baby was born. I kept thinking that I should be worrying about how to take care of a newborn and 3 year old that just had surgery at the same time. The last time I gave my child over in this hospital, her body was gone from me forever. My mind kept going places that I normally do not welcome it but I just could not stop it that day. I cannot fully explain how that waiting was except pure torture.

Of course Hannah came through surgery just fine, she was grumpy when she woke up from surgery which was expected. Now 5 days later she has very little proof that she was operated on and she is doing great!

Time to get back to packing, I have a new picture of Olivia's name in sand from my blogger friend, Jennifer, that I will post soon. Hotmail will not let me in the account due to maintenance right now :P

Busy weeks: Part 1

2010-07-27T12:42:00.001-07:00

The last couple of weeks have been crazy busy but probably will stay this way for another week or two. The beginning of last week I received a package in the mail from a friend Mary. I do not have pictures taken yet (but will soon!). She sent a book "Mommy, please don't cry there are no tears in heaven," and a super cute picture frame. The frame is yellow and white striped, has an angel charm and says "Every moment is a miracle." I have already put a picture of Olivia in it and had it hanging up. Also in the package was a card which highlighted the verse John 14:27. I had not realized how much this verse would continue to pop up after I had first heard it but it is welcomed each and every time!

I also had the opportunity to meet another friend, Sheena, who I had met online. She has had two daughters with anencephaly. We live about 5 hours from each other but met in the middle to have lunch. I cannot even explain the need to meet other women who have gone through carrying a baby knowing they were going to lose it. We all have a bond, an unfortunate one, but I am so grateful for the internet providing me with the chance to connect with others. There were times through this journey that I have felt so alone in my community. We have supportive friends and family but it is not the same as talking to others who just know.

That is my short update for today and hope to post more soon. This may be the busiest 2 weeks I have had in a very long time. Hannah had her tonsils and adenoids taken out last Friday. We are also moving our entire house in less than a week, not sure where we are moving yet! Our walls are infested with bats and need to get out ASAP!

Prayer Request

2010-07-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Below is copied from a friends blog from yesterday, the scheduled c-section is the 28th. I am not sure any details but please keep this family in your prayers!

"Prayer Request
I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby."

two months

2010-07-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

Two months ago today, I was back home after giving birth to Olivia in the middle of the night. Normally, after having a baby, you are in the hospital for a day or two. You are fed, checked on at all hours and your baby is brought back and forth from the nursery. When your baby dies, it is a whole different experience. You are released a few hours later, empty handed. Not only do you not get the extra relaxation time (not that I wanted to stay there), you get the sad looks from some and others who just drop their heads and look the other way. I put on makeup before leaving the hospital and did not cry much there. Yes, every minute ripped my heart out but I did not want extra hugs or "I'm so sorry," I just wanted to go home.

Now I am home, I enjoy my time with my husband and kids but still wonder what it would be like with a baby. At 2 months Olivia should be laughing, cooing, pushing up. I try not to think about what I am missing out on, it will not bring her back and it does not make me feel better. The last few days have been unusually difficult. I cannot pinpoint what exactly is bothering me, not that I need to explain it away. My baby died and it sucks.

Yesterday at church, Greg and I were sitting alone waiting for church to start and I started crying. Not a noticeable crying, I am not a fan of being emotional in public (not anything wrong with people who are, it's just not me). If I were home I would have completely broken down though. I was in the bathroom before the service, washing my hands when a mom came in looking stressed with her baby carrier. She was going to change her daughters diaper, the baby was probably about a month old. I did fine with that until a woman said "I just love seeing you young mothers with your babies!" There I stand, completely left out of the "new baby club." I gave birth to a daughter I love so much and I cannot show her off with pink headbands and pretty dresses. I can carry her in my heart but that is not enough! I want my baby, and just like every other time I say this, I know it can never happen. Taking birth control daily is not helping me. I have an everyday reminder that I am trying to prevent a pregnancy even though everything inside of me is yearning for a baby!

Today we went to find a headstone. I have not been able to commit to looking for one, but I think we found the one today. It is a heart design, the lady from the monument company is sending outlines via e-mail of what it will look like with the wording on it. We decided we will have the flower holder installed so that maybe our flowers will not get mowed down! I was dreading doing this, up until we went looking. The first place we went, the prices were way higher for very plain headstones. The second place had beautiful stones for less than the first place and the woman working walked us right through everything. It was nice to have some guidance because we have never went headstone shopping and all I knew was what I did not want, and no ideas for what to look for.

I am hoping that getting through today, past the 2 month milestone will get me out of this mood I am in. It is such a downer feeling that, thankfully, I have not had to experience much but when it comes, it hits hard!

Crying kind of day

2010-07-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what hit me this afternoon, I just started crying. There was no trigger for it, my day has been going great, I guess I just needed a good cry. So, I just cried until I felt that I was done and it felt good. Just yesterday I received an e-mail from a friend with the title "Go Ahead and Cry." The message is long so I will just take a few quotes from what was spoken by Dave Wilkerson.

"When you hurt the worst—go to your secret closet and weep out all your despair!.....Jesus never looks away from a crying heart. He said, "A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise" (Psalm 51:17). Not once will the Lord say, "Get hold of yourself! Stand up and take your medicine! Grit your teeth and dry your tears." No! Jesus stores every tear in his eternal container.

Do you hurt? Badly? Then go ahead and cry! And keep on crying, until the tears stop flowing. But let those tears originate only from hurt—and not from unbelief or self-pity.

Life goes on. You would be surprised how much you can bear with God helping you. Happiness is not living without pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.

Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you can't see any way out of your dilemma—lie back in the arms of Jesus and simply trust him. He wants your faith—your confidence. He wants you to cry aloud—"Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail me! He is working it all out right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! God is on my side! I love him—and he loves me!"

The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17)"

new name in the sand

2010-07-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

Here it is again! Penny's sister Lorrie wrote our angels name in the sand. I don't think I will ever get tired of seeing these pictures! Thank you Lorrie!!!

My girls

2010-07-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love that our girls can talk to Greg and I about Olivia without worrying what we will do or say. Yesterday, while making lunch, Makayla simply asked "Did Olivia die?" We were not talking about anything, it was just a quiet, calm time in our house (very rare!). I just told her "yes." There is not beating around the bush with them, they are not afraid of talking about death or heaven. Hannah asks about Olivia in heaven, she wants to know what she is doing. We talk about how much fun she is having and happy she is. She asked me "is Olivia not sad anymore?" Through this, I have the opportunity to tell her there is no sadness in heaven, just happiness and joy. What a wonderful place to be and our daughters at just 3 and 4 years old understand, they just get it! Just knowing that my beautiful little baby is there makes the idea of heaven that much sweeter.

When we were out yesterday Makayla wanted to drive by the cemetery to check on Olivia's flowers. She does not want to get out of the car usually but loves to drive by. The landscapers had knocked over the flowers when mowing and broke the little plastic vases. I was pretty upset for a minute and then decided that it really was not worth the anger and decided I would just have to get more! We do alot of checking on the flowers, there have been bad storms but each time we go to the cemetery, all of the flowers are intact. It's just comforting to know that even though we cannot physically take care of our baby, there is something we can do to "take care of her."

This morning Makayla came downstairs with a dress from their closet and asked if it was supposed to be for Olivia. I told her no, that was hers, Olivia will never need new dresses. She began asking what Olivia wore went she went to heaven. I explained the simple white cotton dress with little flowers that she would be wearing forever. What she is wearing in heaven, I have absolutely no idea, but her earthly body will be forever dressed in that tiny little dress.

Since she had more questions the 3 of us went to my room and pulled out what we had from the hospital. Unintentionally, I had not looked at her stuff after the first day of being home. A couple of times I had pulled out her handprints and footprints but left everything else alone. I showed them the little dress that she had worn, her hospital bracelets, her blanket and her little hat. We looked at her handprints and footprints again and her birth certificate. Both girls felt everything, smelled her stuff and just loved seeing each item.

I just love being able to talk about Olivia with my girls without reservation. It's never a sad time. To them, they love to talk about her, ask questions and do not worry about bringing up an awkward situation. It is wonderful to know that even though Olivia is not here with us now, she will always be one of my girls.

Name in the sand

2010-06-27T21:23:00.001-07:00

I had a nice surprise this evening when checking my e-mail. A blogger friend Penny offered to take pictures with our angel's name(and many others)written in the sand.

Thank you so much Penny, I just love seeing Olivia's name written out!

Due date- letter to Olivia

2010-06-23T16:02:00.001-07:00

Olivia,

Today is your due date, the date that was planned to change our lives forever. I remember when I found out I was pregnant last October, I was so excited but it seemed to be a million years away. Little did I know, I would want time to slow down. Rather than wishing my time away, I began wishing for more time with you. Don't get me wrong, I hate being pregnant but would have stayed pregnant forever just to keep you with me.

You have changed our lives, changed our family. We were a happy family before but you have taught your Daddy and me how to love and care more deeply than before. You will always be a part of us, a part of this family. Your sisters are so proud of being your sister. This morning Makayla wanted me to come look at something that was yours. She showed me a plant that had been given in your honor, to help us remember you. She just sat there and smiled at it. Hannah is always telling people, "I have a baby sister, but she is in heaven." I have a feeling that when she is old and gray and it is her turn to enter the gates of heaven, you will be the first person she comes running to!

Today you would have been 6 weeks old. You would be starting to smile at us, oh I can only imagine the joy that would bring to us right now. I wonder so much what you are like in heaven. Did you stay a baby? Are you being rocked by angels and cradled in the arms of Jesus? Are you in your permanent glorified heavenly body, free from any birth defect that kept you from growing here on earth? I just cannot imagine how free and happy you must feel, never having to suffer the pain of this world!

I went to the cemetery today to visit your grave. Grass is starting to grow over the dirt, a sign of new life in a place that should be so dead. It is so peaceful, one side of you has others that have passed. To the left there is a field of corn that gently blowing from the wind. Behind is a wide open field of grass that has not been dug up yet. I know that it is just your body there but I have comfort when I go there alone.

I cannot say or think enough how much I would love to hold you, rock you and comfort your cries. Since I cannot have you with me, I cannot imagine a greater place for you, knowing you are safe in the arms of the Lord.

I love you Olivia and miss you so much!

Love,
Mommy

Social Security Card

2010-06-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

In the mail today we received Olivia's social security card. I knew I would be getting it and wondered at times how long it would take to come. It's such a strange feeling. It did not make me depressed, I did tear up a little bit but mostly, I just stared at it for a long time.

I cannot fully explain how getting her social security card made me feel. It makes it more real for knowing that she was here, her life has been recognized by someone other than her parents, family and friends. It is so awesome to see her name written by someone other than me. I did not need a piece of paper to see that her life was recognized or validated by the government. I just cannot fully explain it. I know she had a life, 58 minutes was a lifetime for her. I was able to see her name, written out, a permanent record that she was here.

To me her life was so much more than that time after her birth, I had 34 weeks with her. I watched my belly grow as she grew inside me, I felt her kick and watched her roll around as she became bigger, she was living up her mommy and me time! I miss her, I miss the movements, I would even take the heartburn back just to feel her again. I never knew how strongly and deeply I was capable of loving until Olivia came into our lives. I know how precious life is, I have felt such a deep loss that has made me so much more aware of the wonderful husband and daughters that I have. We received a book in the mail this week "Lift Up Thine Eyes," a book donated from businesses in the community when you lose a loved one. One quote that stood out immediately was "Those who truly love will say that they have found in sorrow a new joy, a joy which only the broken-hearted can know." (W. Graham Scroggie) There is a new joy in our family, yes we still have our arguments and the girls have their tantrums but the way we approached them has changed. I would love nothing more than to have Olivia here with us right now, buying baby dresses, hauling around a pink carseat, packing 20 diapers for a 10 minute trip to the grocery store. I know I cannot have that with her and while sometimes it hurts so bad, I am so blessed to have learned from her life. Because of Olivia, I am a better wife and mother than I ever knew I could be.

Below is Natalie Grant's Held, thanks Yolanda for posting it yesterday! It is a song that has been present throughout this journey!

Father's Day

2010-06-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day to my awesome husband and all other dads out there! Just over 4 years ago, Greg went from being being my husband, the "boy" I fell in love with, to a Daddy. I would like to think that we have come a long way in just a few short years. I have had the opportunity to watch him grow from a "momma's boy" (he might kill me for that one) into a wonderful husband and father. He works hard every day for our family and I could not appreciate it more!

Greg has always looked forward to having kids of his own, even when I was not sure I would ever want any. I told him before getting pregnant that we would only have girls, so far, I have been right! Of course, he did not believe me, every dad wants their little boy to play catch with! Now 3 girls later, he has not completely given up hope for a boy but he will not hesitate to have a tea party or talk about Barbi movies with other grown men.

I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to watch my girls grow up with such an awesome Dad that loves them more than they will ever know!

My new life

2010-06-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here not sure what to even type as I feel like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. This has not been an all day feeling. I had a great day with my girls. We went to a friend's house and played in the pool. We made it home not long before Greg came home from work. We decided against cooking and went out as a family for pizza.

Everything looks great from the outside. We have 2 healthy beautiful girls, we really enjoy our time together as a family. What strangers cannot see is the huge void in my life. Olivia died. I have to face this every single day. Every time I go into a store, into a restaurant, I leave feeling like I left something behind. My baby is not with me, her body is stuck in the ground and her soul in heaven. When I have a great day I just wonder what it would be like if I had my baby with me. I have 3 daughters and every day I feel that I am denying Olivia to avoid awkwardness. Whether I'm being asked, "Are these your only two?" or when the kids are not with me, "How many kids do you have?" I just want to say, no I have 3 but I cannot.

This was supposed to happen to somebody else. Miscarriages happen to people we know, it has never happened to us, but it still could some day. We did not have friends or even know of anyone who has had their newborn baby die. Why us? Why OUR baby? I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, like this shouldn't be my life. I didn't do anything wrong, I love and care for my children. There are so many healthy, beautiful children in the world that nobody wants. They go to bed at night hungry, neglected and abused but MY baby was taken from me? I know life is not fair. I know I will be disappointed again. I have had my share of pain in life but NOTHING compares to waking up every single day without the baby you loved and carried for 34 weeks.

So, with my lovely day, what could bring all of this pain to the surface all over again? Enjoying a nice post dinner drive with my little family and seeing a girl who was due the same week as me, loading up her kids and newborn baby. Such a simple little thing but that should be us too!

I know the intense pain and sadness comes in waves. Even as I type I am not hurting so much. Probably because our life continues to go on, Olivia will always be a part of me and the sadness is only temporary. Greg and the girls took the dog for a walk and they came running in excited and yelling about the lightning bugs outside. How could I not cheer up from that?

Babies everywhere

2010-06-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

I do not think I ever noticed how many babies are everywhere! I know that this is not a new thing but since finding out that we would lose our daughter, pregnant women and newborn babies are everywhere I go!

I'm sure I look like I hate babies, going into the doctor office last week there was a lady behind me with her screaming newborn while we waited to get checked in. I had seen her in the waiting room and we were probably in the hospital within a week of eachother. When she was standing behind me I was torn between asking her to take her baby to the bathroom or just start crying myself. Instead, I just stood there, looking more annoyed than anyone else and I am really ok with that.

I was in Wal-mart and saw a lady with 2 daughters, both older than Makayla and Hannah. Her girls were also really close in age and I just stared at her pregnant belly. I was jealous, just over a month ago, that was me! People congratulating me, asking when I was due, what was I having. At first that was so difficult but toward the end I would just smile and answer questions. It was nice having that attention of being a new mommy again instead of the sad looks and "I'm sorry."

I am so tired of the way people act around me. I have people walking on eggshells around me, afraid to do or say something to upset me. Afraid to share their joy because of my pain. My pain is here, it is real but it will not go away just because people do not talk about their babies or pregnancies. If I do not want to talk about it, I will say so. Then there is the group of people who are almost rude with questions or comments. I do not want to know unending details of newborn babies that I will probably never see and from people I do not know. I'm sure they are cute/sweet/perfect, whatever, of course they are, they are babies!

Not all people fall into the paragraph above, probably not even most. The groups above upset me so they stand out and seem to have a larger impact. I have great friends and family that handle our "situation" well. I do not mind people asking me questions and talking to me about Olivia. Sometimes I will tear up, that is fine! I hate when I am asked how I am doing, immediately followed by "I didn't mean to upset you!" Tears to not mean I am upset, I am grieving, sometimes I am just going to cry.

Yes, this is a venting post. At first, I was wondering how I could avoid new babies, that could make things easier. Reality is, I cannot. I really do still enjoy seeing happy babies. How can you not smile at a baby who is smiling, it pulls at my heart because I am missing that with Olivia but the beauty of their innocence is so amazing. I am happy for all of these healthy new babies, I hope and pray that all of the parents are so aware of the gift they have.

I will end this post with a verse that seems to pop up over that last couple of months. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27. We used this verse in the memorial folders created for Olivia, it has shown up in devotions, at the end of a song. I am so thankful for this promise of peace, we were granted this peace throughout the pregnancy and after our loss. The peace and strength given to me were not manifested through myself. If that were the case, I would have never made it through. I like to be in control, my life is organized with planners, schedules and lists. When things to do work out that way, I tend to get a little stressed out. Anencephaly was not on my list, we did not schedule that into my planner! Without God guiding us through this journey, I do not want to think of how crazy my life would be right now.

One Month

2010-06-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today Olivia would have been one month old. I had dreaded this day all week, I think the buildup was worse than the day itself. I cannot imagine what she would be like if she was here with us today.

I remember when Makayla turned one month, up until that point she was a very fussy baby. I would cry because she cried and cried and....well, you get the point. Then, it seemed that as soon as she turned one month, everything changed.

She found her voice, she cooed and gurgled and made so many noises. The nonstop crying had stopped, Greg and I were on cloud 9. That was when I decided I could easily have 6 kids, no problem (except babies cost money and I was still in college)!

When Hannah was a month old, she was the most pleasant little baby. She loved to be held, she loved to swing, sit in her bouncer, eat, sleep. You name it, Hannah was a content happy little baby.

This was around the time her feeding schedule leveled off, breastfeeding was a breeze and she would just wake up to eat and go right back to sleep.

I wonder if the first month would have been rough like Makayla or as easy as Hannah. Or maybe she would have been a mixture of both. When Olivia was born, while in the hospital, I did not think she looked like either of the girls. I was looking at a 2 month picture of Hannah that we have and I saw Olivia. I pulled up a picture of Olivia that would have been taken from the same profile angle. They have the same mouth, nose and cheeks. I can just picture a brown haired version of Hannah running around with the same curls and big blue eyes like her sisters. I would give anything to have her back, let her grow up with her sisters. The girls would have been great with her. Hannah was asking me earlier in the week when Jesus is going to bring Olivia back from Heaven. I had to explain that once you go to heaven, that is where you stay.

I miss her so much. There is such a huge void in my heart that just cannot be filled. I have tried to stay busy but nothing will fill the ache. I know that I cannot replace her or fill the spot in my heart that was buried with my daughter. I want her, I need her. I can remember holding her after she was born. She was so warm and had the softest newborn skin. I kept touching her face, I wanted to feel her cheeks, her nose and her mouth. I wanted to remember every inch of her. Then after her heart had stopped beating she changed. It was not a sudden change but we knew it had happened. Her soft little body was no longer warm, her skin was cold but I kept her bundled up with me anyway. I still, to this day, cannot hold a new baby. I cannot hold the tiny little bundle of warmth, it reminds me of how cold Olivia was in the end. I remember after she had been cleaned up and brought back to me I laid in the hospital bed with her in my arms. I had taken a short nap and woke up with her still there. That was the greatest feeling to have her with me, now my arms feel so empty. How I wish I could hold her again.

Losing her has given me the greatest appreciation for Greg and the girls. I am able to laugh at their uncontrollable laughter, worry less about most messes that are made and just enjoy the time we have together as a family.

I went to the cemetery today, just for a few minutes that I had to myself. I say this every time, but it is just so peaceful there. We still have not gotten a headstone for the grave. I looked at the flier once and never again. We need to go pick one out, price them and get it ordered. I just have not brought myself to do it yet. Greg and I have talked about it then I just avoid it. I do want to get a headstone, it's just another big decision and I'm not sure my decision making brain is back yet.

The flowers are still from memorial day. I was quite upset when I was looking at them earlier because they looked so faded. Then I took off my sunglasses and realized the brown lens tinting was making them appear yellowed, haha! I'm glad the fake flowers last more than 2 weeks! (the ground is not slanted like that, that is courtesy of my wonderful photography skills!)

I also had a very nice surprise at a meeting this morning but cannot figure out how to post 2 pictures on one posting so I will have to upload it later! Ok, figured it out!

Thank you Meredith, Melissa, Maria and Tamara! This made my day :)

5 year anniversary

2010-06-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today is our 5 year anniversary! Even though 5 years seems like such a short time, we have grown up so much. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband to go through this journey with. Losing our daughter is something we could have NEVER imagined when we said our vows in front of our friends and family. Our marriage has been far from perfect but every trial we are faced with, we become stronger as a couple and as a family. We have learned and grown together and I am so thankful for that!

I thank God that all 3 of our daughters have such an awesome Daddy and I look forward to what our future brings! I love you Greg!

Nearing one month.....

2010-06-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

This week has many milestones that will cause emotional ups and downs. Wednesday will be 4 weeks since Olivia has passed, I have tried to not count the weeks but find myself thinking about it anyway. Saturday, the 12th, will be one month. It is so difficult, there are already so many signs of people around me that expect me to move on. I do not blame them, it's only natural for the rest of the world to move on. Nobody else carried her for 8 months, Greg was the one I made feel my belly that moved nonstop, she is OUR daughter and we are still mourning. I could be partly to blame on this since I am a do'er and since I do not have a newborn to keep me busy, I have figured out how to fill much of my time. Although nobody has openly said so and most people do seem fine when I bring up Olivia, I just want to wear a sign around that says "I just had a baby!" Most mothers that carry a baby, have their baby at home with them, they can go out to eat or to the store with them. I feel like I have to always appear up, especially to strangers, to avoid looking like a rude, grouchy person. When you have a healthy baby, there are no expectations on you. People expect you to be tired with no energy. It's easy to smile when you are tired and people are gushing over your new bundle of joy. What about me? I too am recovering from childbirth, I am also grieving and mourning the loss of my child!

Friday is our anniversary, Greg and I have been married for 5 years! We were married in June of 2005, pregnant with Makayla the next month (or two, I'm bad with keeping track but pretty sure it was late July). We had Makayla May of 2006, celebrated our 1 year anniversary in June. Then found out I was pregnant with Hannah just 3 months later. We were on track to have a baby every year that we were married. I sometimes find myself wondering why we did not keep going, but then remember when the doctor was cleaning me up after having Hannah I asked him if he performed vasectomies. Hmmmm, that be why we took a break from our baby marathon. I loved having my body back, it was so nice to fit into clothes again. I did not have my hormone rollercoater, I was able to go back to work, life was great. Then the magical month of May happened again last year. Hannah was turning 2 and we both had baby fever. Fast forward to May 12th and we have another baby girl to celebrate. May just seems to be our month, we wanted to get married in May but all of the reception halls were already booked (a year and a half in advance!).

We just started a class based from the book "The Faith of a Child" yesterday at church. The class was an answer to my prayers, I was not sure how to talk to my children about becoming a Christian. I know what I know, I know what I believe. Sometimes I can write it out but talking opening about it can be another issue. I truly feel the girls have learned from me but I am more concerned about continuing this as they get older. So, we found a great class to help us along the way. In the introduction, Psalm 127:3-5 is highlighted. We are told that our children are a reward from God. The feeling did not last long but I immediately thought, "then what did I do wrong, my child was taken from me?" I have to remember that we still had Olivia, we were blessed with her life. Because of her, I have changed. In the beginning I did not like it, I am not as carefree as I was before December. The changes are not bad though, at all. I look at my life as a gift, my daughter was not given a long life, but I have one. Because of her, I have chosen to set my life standards higher. As long as I live my life with dignity and respect for God and myself, then Olivia's short life is not trivial. Her life mattered, whether it was for one hour or if it would have been 100 years, she has made a mark on our family.

******This post feels random to me. We had such a great day together as a family but yesterday was just so crappy and I have the feelings/thoughts lingering. Please overlook the jumping around, I thought about editing it but my dear husband of soon to be 5 years, has been wanting me to come to bed for 20 minutes!!!********

Prayer

2010-06-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged for a few days, I'm not sure if it is due to the holiday weekend or I really did not have much to say! We have had a great weekend with friends and family surrounded with a lot of fun and happiness.

The girls seem to be transitioning back into everyday life and routine well, we did have a rough patch with both of them. Hannah is still testing us everyday but I have suspicion that this will continue until she goes off to college (or longer); she is the most strong willed, independent little girl that I have ever met.....EVER!

We took the girls to the cemetery for the first time last week. I was not sure when this would happen, I just wanted to make sure we were taking flowers for their first visit. We did not tell them that Olivia's body was in the ground, we told them that the cemetery is where we can go to remember her. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it would be for them to try to separate the idea of her body being in the ground but she is in heaven. They do love visiting the cemetery, it really is a pretty place. I have accepted having her buried rather than cremated. Now I really do like going there for short visits. I can cry, pray and just be alone with my feelings without an audience or distraction, it is such a peaceful place (when the landscapers are not there!)

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week. I was so focused on losing Olivia that I had forgotten all of the answered prayers I have received in the last year. I wanted to have a baby so bad. We started trying last May and we were both so excited at the thought of having another baby. There were tears each month that I was not pregnant, doubts that we should even try since it did not happen right away. We wanted this baby, our prayers were answered. Not in the form that I would have dreamed of but we were blessed with Olivia for a short time. I can remember the day I took the pregnancy test. I had never taken one without Greg home but decided to that day. Makayla had just gotten glasses. I shut myself in my bedroom crying and talking to Greg on the phone, telling him that her needing glasses was the worst thing that could happen. I was going to take down all of our pictures because I could not look at them knowing that I cannot see Makayla's face anymore without glasses blocking it. Sounds crazy right? Sounds like a hormonal pregnant woman to me! About ten minutes after hanging up with Greg I decided to take the one test we had in the cabinet. Of course it was positive, why else would I have been so crazy? I wish I could go back to the joy felt at that moment, I called Greg back since he was working. We were so excited but I would not let him tell anyone right away except his family. In that instant, Makayla's need for glasses no longer crushed me, it all made sense!

December 11th is a day that changed our lives forever. We found out that the child we so desperately wanted would not be for us to keep. From that day and through the next month, I would only pray for strength, peace and for us know that we had made the right decision to carry to term. I say the next month because that is how long it took for me to allow any negative feelings. We were crushed, I chose to focus on the thoughts that everything happens for a reason. I focused on the blessings we had in our lives with Makayla and Hannah. I could not allow myself to feel sorry for myself, anger or pity in the beginning. I was given the peace and strength that I had prayed for. I can say now that I did not always feel comfort in carrying Olivia until after she was born. After the initial month, I allowed the flood of emotions that would come with finding out such devastating news. I had moments that felt that we were doing the right thing, I also had moments that felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Not only for me, but for Greg and the girls. That changed once I had given birth to her, I will NEVER question my decision again. It is a hard road either way but I was able to feel her grow inside of me, I was able to hold her, kiss her and tell her how much she was loved. The baby we prayed for, we were able to hold her in our arms. Sending her away after she had passed was the hardest thing I ever had to do but for a short time, she was just our little girl. Now she will forever be our little angel baby.

I now know, more than ever, that prayers are not always answered in the way we want them to be. I can also say with great certainty that I will probably question why this has happened all over again. For tonight, I am thankful for the strength and peace that I have been given through this journey. While it has not been easy, at all, we have had great support group to help us through such a difficult time.

What am I supposed to do with myself?

2010-05-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of activity which I have loved to keep me busy. This week has been much slower and I have had more time at home. Today has been difficult, I feel fine then I just start crying without warning. I feel trapped in my body right now, I no longer look pregnant. That is fine with me but physically I feel great, I just get tired easier than I would if I did not just give birth 2 weeks ago. I cannot go have a hard workout since I am still technically healing, I dropped alot of weight the first week home and have not since then. I just want a good workout, that is my stress reliever and I cannot do it. I started walking again this week and that has helped a little bit. I am saying all of this because I have all of the normal restrictions but feel like I should do want I want instead of just sitting at home without a baby.

I have to look at pictures to remind myself all of this really happened. I just want my little girl. I see her pictures and cry because I just want to touch her skin again and feel her in my arms. It hurts so much and all I can say is "I want my baby," and that is the one thing I will never get back.

I try to put my extra energy toward cleaning but I have no interest in it. It's just a reminder that I should be taking care of a baby and complaining that I have no time to clean. I threw away all of the dead flowers yesterday for the first time since Olivia was born, that was hard. They are all dying, just like my daughter had to die.

I'm still at a point where I just do not know what to do with myself sometimes. I just keep thinking of right after Olivia is born. I had to ask if my baby was still alive, no parent should ever have to wonder if they will at least get the chance to see their child alive. December 11th, when we found out about the anencephaly, seems so long ago. Back then I thought that I just wanted it all to be over. Now I wish I had more time. Time for what, I do not know. I would have never been ready to say goodbye. There are things that I wanted to do before she was born that I did not get done but in the end, it really does not matter. I had what I needed the most for this situation was time with her inside and to see her alive. She was the most active pregnancy out of the 3 and she kept moving inside until the end. I just wish I could have that 58 minutes back at the hospital. There is nothing I would change that we had done, I just want her back.

Week of Firsts

2010-05-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

This week has been a very busy week and I had a few firsts to experience. My first first I am very happy to have accomplished. For the first time I have sent out thank you cards! I was an awful bride and first time mommy with no wedding thank you's or thanks for the baby shower gift. I will go ahead and say that I was so thankful for all of our wonderful gifts during these life changing celebrations, I just let life get ahead of me and I never sent them out! So, in honor of Olivia, I am proud to say that I have sent out most of my thank you cards and if I missed anyone, I have REALLY tried this time and I am sorry! ( I should say "we" since Greg did help out )

My second first was going to the cemetery on Wednesday for the first time. We were going to take the girls but decided since I had not been there, Greg and I would go alone. We walked there together and it was a peaceful visit. I have been struggling with the idea that my baby was in the ground right down the road since her burial. And not just a little struggling, haunting my sleep struggling. I know deep down that it is just her body there. She is no longer in that body but all I could think of is her in a tiny little casket covered in rain and mud waiting for us to get her out. I asked Greg after the first night if we could have her pulled out and cremated so that I wouldn't have to go through this forever, he convinced me that it would not be a good idea so I decided against calling the funeral home the next morning. I am so thankful that we did go on Wednesday, since the visit I no longer think of her being stuck in the ground. I can go to the cemetery and remember her and the time we had with her, and decorate with the pinkest flowers that I can find! :)

Makayla is already asking when we will have our "baby baby." She knew that we could not bring Olivia home and she has been patiently waiting. I keep telling her that we might not ever have another baby but she is so persistent anyway. I hope she either gains an understanding if we do not ever try again or it will not matter to her so much.

Overall this week has not been horrible. I miss Olivia everyday, I have cried everyday but the grief is not consuming me. I know that it is possible that it will happen, maybe even when I wake up in the morning. Right now I am focusing on trying to get Makayla and Hannah back into a routine, their lives were also completely turned upside down with this and they do not understand why.

One week

2010-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

One week ago today we were at the hospital finding out that we were going to meet Olivia that night (or very early the next morning). I have had a week of ups and downs which is to be expected. I am needing a routine back, I feel like I am just floating around wondering what to do with myself when I don't have anything planned out for my day.

I miss my daughter, my heart and body ache for her. How do you tell yourself to go on with your life when every instinct as a mother is to care for your newborn child? I do not sit around and cry all day, I cannot do that for my own sanity. There will be certain moments that just hit me so hard that I just tear up. Makayla asked me one day why I was crying. I told her "Mommy is sad," and she of course wanted to know why. I told her that I miss Olivia, which was followed up with so much hope and faith for a 4 year old. She told me, "I do not miss Olivia because I know she is in heaven and God and Jesus are taking care of her." Both girls are so proud to be a big sisters even though they do not get to see Olivia now.

Thankfully, physically I can get around. I still get up every day and do my hair and makeup, even when I am not going anywhere which is for my own comfort. I have to fight my guilt, I know a lot of mothers feel so much guilt after losing infants. I had a jewelry party scheduled for tonight and went back and forth as to whether I should do it or not. Sunday I decided that I would. It was across the street from my grandma's house so she came to help me set up. I knew that making myself get out to do anything for the first time would be hard so I just jumped right in. I had a great time and do not regret doing it so soon at all. I am struggling with myself now though. I do not want to feel guilty for getting out so soon and I do. I love Olivia and miss her so much but once again, I just do not know what to do with myself. I need to find things to throw myself into because I have more energy than I should. I should be complaining that my baby is up all night or pooping all day. Instead, I'm getting a full night of sleep, have kids that can be self entertaining (not complaining, they have plenty of needy time too!) and the strongest urge to take care of someone or something that is not there.

For now I will try to find new things to look forward to. Yes, I am sitting here trying to tell myself that it is okay to work and enjoy life. I know that it is, I am just so afraid of the guilt that is felt after I do enjoy myself. I'm so afraid of little things. I'm afraid of when Greg is back into the full swing of work and I need him. I'm afraid of having a meltdown and being alone with my kids, I want to be here for them and take care of them. I'm afraid of letting the girls go somewhere with other people, I do not want to lose them too. There is always going to be a part of me missing, I know that these fears will lessen with time. I do not think you can heal fully from losing a baby but the guilt, sadness and fears I hope will become smaller with time.

Olivia's Birthday

2010-05-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

As many people know, Olivia Ryan was born May 12th at 1:03am. It has taken me awhile to post any details, I have started, stopped...then started again so I'm not sure how much I will actually get into this post but I'm determined to get it posted this time.

After having such a great day Saturday, and really the last 2 weeks before Mother's Day, I knew something was about to change. I was in the bathroom talking to Greg Saturday evening and I told him that the day had been so great that I just knew that I would be going into labor soon. I really had no reason to think that, I was 33/1/2 weeks pregnant and had no extra aches or pains for 2 weeks, everything was great!

On Sunday evening I was having shooting pains and cramping and told Greg that I did not want to go to church and do games for the kids program. He was concerned and did not want me alone so I went and sat with my feet propped up on a chair talking to my grandma for the hour and a half. The pain and discomfort lasted the rest of the evening and we had a doctor appointment Monday morning. I posted in my "Mother's Day" post that everything was normal, maybe the pain was coming from a UTI but nothing else was wrong.

Well, to make a long story short, I was in pain all day Tuesday and ending up sleeping half of the day while my grandma took care of the girls. (Have I mentioned how amazing my grandma is??? She is wonderful!!!) Greg came home that evening to me laying on the couch, covered in sweat literally from my head to my legs. I was miserable but never had a UTI so I thought, "well, this sucks but the antibiotics would kick in." Too bad they do not stop labor pain though because I had started contracting and did not even know it.

Once I was in the hospital and hooked up to monitors, I was told my contractions were about 2 minutes apart. It was the real deal this time and of course had NOTHING packed for the hospital because I just thought I would be going home a couple of hours later. Once I realized that we were not leaving I started crying. I knew that we would soon meet our daughter and say goodbye too quickly. I was not ready, but can you ever really be ready for this?

After a typical labor, Olivia Ryan was born at 1:03am. She weighed 3 lbs and 3 oz and was 15 1/2 inches long. She never took a breath but had a heartbeat when she was born. The only movement I saw was a brief move of her left hand as I was moving her arm. I would have loved to see her breath and kick and be with us so much longer but I prayed and prayed that we would see her alive, and we did receive that blessing. I was able to see that she has brown hair. I was afraid that I would never know her hair color because of the anencephaly but she had hair around her ears and the base of her neck. She had long arms and legs and tiny little shoulders. I had been afraid of what she would look like but she was beautiful. I had heard so many mothers say that they were afraid of how their baby would look and when they were born, they did not care. Greg and I were the same way. Yes, she looked different from our other girls but she was our baby and we just saw her beauty. We were told at 2:01 am that she no longer had a heartbeat. We kept her with us for about 4 more hours before calling to have her taken away.

I wish I had my baby home with me right now, I wish that everything had been perfect in the pregnancy and we could have kept her with us to watch her grow. Even though we only had a short time with her, I love her so much. All she ever knew in her life was the love she had while inside of me and the love of her family's arms. Olivia was only given 58 minutes on this earth but her whole life was love. Although we have this pain to learn to live with, she will never have to suffer in this world. She is safe in the arms of Jesus until we are with her again one day.

I love you Olivia!

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T14:41:00.001-07:00

I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my family. For me, I claim that it started on Saturday. Greg and I woke up about the same time, which never happens. Usually he is out the door as my eyes are opening but since going to bed earlier, I can actually wake up in the morning! We had a dog between our heads, Hannah laying across our feet and Makayla in the middle of all of us. Normally, I am irritated to wake up to so many people in my bed but they snuck in so quietly and slept in! Greg and I had the opportunity to lay in bed and just talk. I cannot tell you what it was about, but it was nice :) Throughout my entire Saturday, the girls were just good. We had a few toddler tiffs but they were just good this weekend. We ended the day with a breakfast style dinner with my grandma. It was just a good day! Sunday was great as well with my family but not as good as MY Mother's Day, haha.

My body is retaliating again though. I will be 34 weeks this week. I have had the most amazing last 2 weeks with pain until Saturday afternoon. The pain I have felt has been the normal pregnancy complaints but now my body is just worn out. I have pain that puts me in tears and leaks that I won't even mention (gross I know). I do not know why this is happening. After a long weekend of it, I called my doctor and went in for my scheduled appointment a day early. I have a wonderful doctor, he has checked everything he could think of and still, everything is normal. I do not understand but keep praying to God to take care of me.

Honestly, I am scared to death. I HATE calling for help, even from my own physician. I know I should not care but I feel like I am wasting so much time, my own included when nothing is wrong. I am the kind of person who likes to be in control of my own life. I feel like I have learned to give up a lot of control with this pregnancy but maybe the lesson has not been learned as I continue to have more unexplained issues that I have to place in God's hands.

Church on Sunday was nice, I was late as usual. (I really wish I could figure this problem out!) The first thing my great grandpa told me after we found out that Olivia has anencephaly was part of the verse Romans 8:28. All things work together for good for God's people. I have tried to think on this verse when I do not know what good can come out of this. I have to believe there is a greater reason for our family to suffer through this or I would have probably lost my mind by now. The sermon yesterday brought this verse up again. It's one that is reoccurring through this pregnancy and will probably be prominent for the rest of my life. When I heard it yesterday though, it made me bitter. How can this be good? How can it be part of the bigger picture? I will probably never understand and if I do it will probably take years to come to terms with it.

Please continue to pray for our family. Please pray for strength for me, both physical and emotional. Some days I think enough is enough but I am cautious when saying that I cannot take too much more, I would hate to find out the hard way that I can.

************Update: I do have an infection, getting antibiotics tonight! I just got a call from the doctor. I am just excited that maybe this will take care of this extra discomfort!***********

Doctor appointment tomorrow

2010-05-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

We have a dr. appointment tomorrow, but it's not for me! My oldest daughter will be 4 tomorrow. I cannot be sad about her growing up because she is just so happy that tomorrow is her day! So happy birthday Makayla!!!

We have had a good last 2 weeks for both girls behaving very well (for the most part). This has been a wonderful blessing since I am getting bigger and it's not so easy to keep up with a 3 and 4 year old while 8 months pregnant!

I have been reading less and less on my support group the closer I get to the end of this pregnancy. I opened one of the messages tonight though and I'm glad that I did. Some days it is very hard to know if we have made the right decision to carry Olivia to term. I worry about myself, both physically and emotionally. I worry about Greg who has a lot of driving time with work and wonder how much this really weighs on him throughout the day. I worry for our girls, how are they supposed to cope with such a big loss at such a young age. I trust that as long as we do our best to keep both Makayla and Hannah informed (age appropriate of course) that they will be better off in the end.

Okay, back to the support group. A lady posted something she heard a preacher saying today :

"God chooses people to do his work. He chooses people with character. This character may not be evident to everyone or anyone but himself. His work is not always fun or popular. (Think Abraham, Moses, Jonah, etc.) those jobs weren't fun, they certainly weren't the popular thing to do.

Carrying our little ones isn't popular, it isn't fun, but God picked each of us for our willingness to obey and the strength of our character."

Some days I really question myself as to why I have decided to take this journey rather than walking into a clinic to "take care of the problem." The truth is, I would not have been able to go through with an early termination. I pray that women that have chosen that path have peace, that they know their babies are safe in heaven and they made the best choice for them at that stage of their lives. I have trust in God that he will provide me the strength to keep moving forward, as much as I would love to run away from what is to come. But until that day comes, whenever it will be, Greg and I will continue to celebrate the life we have been given with all 3 our beautiful daughters.

Blog Award

2010-05-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

I got a blog award and thought I would post it. Thanks to Elena at http://ourmiraclelillyelizabeth.blogspot.com.

The rules of this award are:
1. copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. list who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog (or hyperlink).
3. list 10 things that make you happy.
4. pass the award on to other bloggers

Ok, in no particular order, here are 10 things (besides the obvious God and family) that make me happy…

1.) Exercise!!!! This is my all time favorite past time, hobby, you name it. I love the feeling of an awesome workout!

2.) Reading. I cannot start reading a book unless I have time to read the whole thing at once, I do not like waiting for the end!

3.) Singing alone in my car. I do not sing in front of people, even the Happy Birthday song. Only my car and kids are privileged to witness this disaster!

4.) A clean house. Please do not mistake this, I do not always love cleaning but I love walking into or waking up to a nice clean house.

5.) Organization. Yes I am anal but I like to have a plan, lists and order to EVERYTHING.

6.) Date nights with my husband. I love him so much and we NEED our refresher time with no kids to keep us sane!

7.) Makeup. Superficial, yes. Necessary, yes. I love makeup! Total life saver, every.single.day.

8.) Big Sodas from the gas station. No matter what size, they are all 95 cents with tax. Beautiful invention.

9.) My dog. He loves me, he follows me around the house, cries when I leave the room and will take a nap with me anytime. He's a pathetic 3.6 pounds and the best lap dog ever!

10.) Explanation marks!!!! I overuse them!!!! Most things in my life can be summed up with a simple (!!!) at the end of the sentence!

I am passing this on to:

Jennifer @ Eli's Valley
Holly @ Caring for Carleigh

32 week appointment

2010-04-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today was an uneventful doctor appointment day. No, I am not at all complaining! My weight is the same as 2 weeks ago, so I still only have 6 million pounds to lose after giving birth. I am also measuring right on target, 32 weeks. Luckily the most eventful part of my morning was peeing all over my hand when trying to hit the cup. I know, way too much information, but I thought I would share it. I have been getting good at this but the extra belly is making it more difficult.

I would like to make a quit shout out, thanks Christy for the babysitting backup! And thank you Lynn for the book, I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to keep this short, my kids are being very patient for lunch but I'm sure it will not last much longer :)

My new reality

2010-04-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

I will start this entry out as a warning that I am not having the best evening. I am not tearing anyone down or as depressing as it could be but this is in no way an uplifting post. I debated about even posting it after it was written but am going to go ahead with it.

I am completely exhausted, not because I have not gotten enough sleep though. My brain is tired, my body is tired and I am just drained. I wake up every single day to Olivia moving inside of me, she moves more than any other pregnancy I've had. Usually I welcome this since this is the life she has been given. Today it is a nonstop reminder of what I am going to lose.

I have been told by people that they hope I do not have to carry to term. Why? I'm sure it is out of some kind of niceness. I wonder why someone would wish for my baby to die, sooner than later, I will have to bury her that much sooner if that is the case. I have also been told that people hope I can carry to term. Again why? So I can wake up everyday after a night of tossing and turning because my body is overwhelmed by the extra weight I am carrying. So that I can think about, day in and day out that I am doing all of this for absolutely nothing. The truth is, I do not know what I want. I can honestly say that no matter what happens, I do believe it is the best for me, even though I have NO clue as to how it can be good.

I ordered a book and received it this weekend. The book was intended for the girls to somehow help with their grieving process when it is all done. The book is "We were gonna have a baby, but had an angel instead." I absolutely hate it. The book was not poorly written or poorly illustrated. How am I supposed to read a book like this to my children? It has been a book that was recommended on the support groups but I do not see how it can possibly help. I may change my mind about it later but right now I just hate it.

I was asked today at church if I was going to have another baby. I really thought that of all places, the word had spread there. I am so tired of trying to stay upbeat when asked this question and just bluntly said "Yes, but she is not going to live." Talk about an awkward moment but welcome to my life right now.

I have found out this week that help is not as freely given as it is offered. I have not had a horrible week, my kids have been pretty well behaved, I have enjoyed my family time when Greg is at home but I am just down. I do not ask for help, it is not in my nature to ask for help or even take it when it is offered. There were a couple of days this week that I could have used a little backup or a breather but the opportunity just was not there. I am not sure who to talk to about my problems. I do not want to see a counselor unless there is a counselor, locally, that has carried a child knowing that the baby would die when it was born. I guess I do not need to just talk about it, I just need to talk to someone who really understands. I do not want or feel that I need medication to help ease the pain. My pain is not overwhelming me to the point that I do not want to live my life. Even with medication, the issues would still be in my life. I am still pregnant, waiting for my daughter to die.

I did not feel this crappy yesterday and I probably will not when I wake up in the morning. Once in awhile though it hits me so hard that this is my new reality and as much as painful as it is, I have to learn to deal with it.

I will carry you

2010-04-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I received a book in the mail from a new friend that I have met through our journey. Mary is another mother who has just recently lost her daughter, Isabella Grace, to anencephaly. She sent me the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith, a woman who found out that her 4th child would not live long after birth and carried to term with that knowledge.

It is so strange to read other women's thoughts and feelings that have gone through carrying a baby they knew would die. This book was not at all an exact replica of what I am going through but to see my thoughts written down in a book that someone else has written is very strange. It helps that I am not alone in this even though I do not "know" anyone that has lost a child. No, I don't mean miscarriage, I have friends that have suffered that loss which is terrible and devastating in itself. I mean finding out that the baby will not live, no matter how far along you get. No matter how perfect that baby can look on an ultrasound, all of the pains of pregnancy are for nothing in the end. We live just down the road from the cemetery that Olivia will be buried in. It is not uncommon to look outside of our house and see a funeral procession on it's way there; I know that in 9 weeks at most, we will be the ones traveling down the road in that line.

My final review of the book: It is a great book and recommend it to anyone who has lost a child or is close to someone who has suffered the loss of a child. Whether it was from miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death, it is a great story of hope and faith.

Thanks again Mary!!!

everyday there are things to be thankful for!

2010-04-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today I am not going to put any of my deep dark thoughts or struggles. God knows that I have them and will continue to have them but today I have so much to be thankful for.

Greg and I were able to wake up to silence this morning. Yes, silence, no Mickey Mouse on the TV, no "mommy, I have to pee!" My lovely grandma took the girls last night so Greg and I could have a date night. Even though the date night turned into a 20 inning Cardinal game and a late night run to Taco Bell with our dog, it was nice to just get some alone time.

I made it to Sunday school this morning, late as usual, only without the excuse of getting the girls ready. I really do not remember too much of the Sunday school lesson this morning but what has stuck in my mind from it is: having a relationship with God, rather than just going to church because it is the right thing to do. (I'm really not sure if it was part of the lesson but we talked about it anyway!!) But back to the relationship, I have not always felt like praying since December 11th, but I do it. Even if the prayer is just "God, give me the strength to get through this day," some days that is all I can manage. God continually answers this prayer. Without my personal prayer and prayer from others, I do not believe that I would be where I am today. I am not always filled with an overwhelming peace and I do not always get through my days gracefully. I do however always know that I am not alone in this and I will not be alone after Olivia is no longer with us.

After leaving church we had a home cooked meal from Subway and I was able to get a 2 1/2 hour nap! Around the girls' bath time I received a text from my friend Yolanda. She was wanting to bring something over. She brought a card and a blanket for me made by a group in her church, God Sightings. I am so thankful for this thoughtful gift. I am even more thankful knowing that there are people praying for our family through this very rough time. Through this, God has blessed our lives with new friends, many of them we will probably never meet but we are still so thankful they have become part of our lives.

I forgot........
We bought an outfit last night. I'm not sure it's "the one." It was just a cute onesie, really bright yellow with bright pink flowers and I liked it. I might buy another outfit, I might not. I decided that every little girl deserves more clothes than she actually needs so if I find 10 outfits that I end up buying, it really will not hurt anything. I will just keep tags on outfits we do not use and donate them. This does not mean I will go buy a ton of clothes, just that I will not be limiting her options to one outfit :) I feel much better about the outfit issue now!

2010-04-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

We had a doctor appointment yesterday. He told me that all the sonogram info is nothing to worry about, my pregnancy is progressing normally besides the obvious problem. I was measuring right on schedule this week so now I have no excuse for the million pounds I gained in the last 2 weeks! I do have a plan for the weight gain though. I'm not at all trying to lose weight, just trying to manage the gain my final 10 weeks. My gestational diabetes test came back negative, that night I celebrated with ice cream! BUT, since then, I have been caring about the food I am putting into my body. Sounds like a downer, I know, but I'm pretty excited about it!

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. It's strange, it feels like I've been pregnant forever and at the same time it feels like I just took the pregnancy test yesterday. Whether I go to full term or go into labor tomorrow, we will only have 10 weeks to try to prepare ourselves for the birth. I feel like I have so many things to do before Olivia is born, things that I will not want to do after but we are really dragging our feet on finishing up. I will blame the procrastination on Greg's work schedule and ignore the fact he has Sundays and Mondays off!

We have our maternity photos set up for a week and a half from now. The same photographer that I located through Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep will do these photos and the pictures when we meet Olivia. I have never done maternity photos, the thought never even crossed my mind until this pregnancy. I am looking forward to the pictures and the memories they will hold. I am certainly not the most comfortable person for picture taking but I really want them and want them to be great!

I have no monumental thoughts to wrap this up with today, I'm going to just enjoy the sunshine for as long as we have it!

Tired!

2010-04-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks have left me drained. I have had so many emotional and physical ups and downs that I do not know what to do with myself when things are quiet. The days go by, I can easily pull myself together for the girls. Quiet car rides, once the girls are asleep or just waiting in line at the grocery store are becoming more difficult. I think alot of it has to do with my pregnancy showing and the increasing questions from strangers.

Saturday I tried to get an outfit for her. I went to a baby boutique to try to find a special outfit. I told the sales lady that I am looking for an outfit for a preemie sized girl. She was excited, took me to a rack to show me something "different." Well, the outfit was different outfit was a zebra print tutu style skirt with pink onsie. I just wanted to scream out that it is for a baby who will die, not a baby I can prance around in animal print tutus. Instead, I quickly said no, a little disgusted so she would try to stick to pretty, pink, girly pieces. She continued to show me outfits that just were not what I am looking for. Then she seemed annoyed with the "no" storm coming from my mouth and asked, "just how small is this baby we are talking about." Then I did it, I started crying...in the middle of the store and told her it is for the baby I am carrying and it will probably be the only outfit she will ever wear.

I knew picking an outfit would be hard, but I had not anticipated this at all. The poor sales lady showed me plenty of nice pink, white and flowered dresses after my start of a breakdown but I left empty handed. I called Greg from the van, I was crying so hard that I could not drive and he was working 45 minutes away. I talked to him long enough to calm down and headed back home to my girls.

I have had a very difficult time praying lately. I miss it and feel happier when I do, it's just difficult. I have not lost faith in God, I still stand by my beliefs but I have lost hope. I have not lost all hope for my life and family just for this pregnancy and any other in the future. I cannot be fully happy for pregnant friends, at least until their babies are born because I know how damaging a loss can be. I have read almost everyday this week of a woman that has lost her child to anencephaly. It is just heart wrenching that so many families are being affected by such loss, loss of a child! I have not even lost my daughter yet. I think of each day as a blessing that she is still with us. I wish I could hold her, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. But for now, I know she is safe and her kicks remind me that she is still so alive. When I finally get to hold her it will be to say goodbye, no matter how long she is with us.

I am not ready, I am scared. I do not know if it is possible to prepare yourself for this. I was laying in bed the other night just wondering if knowing is really so much better. I don't have a nursery set up to have to come home to or a closet full of clothes that will never be worn. But I also have nothing to look forward to. Everyday I wrestle with wishing it was all over and wishing it would never end. I am not ready for the pain of empty arms, no nursery, no late night feedings. I am not ready to put my baby in the ground and drive by a cemetery regularly and know that her body is there and not with me.

I can find comfort in knowing that my daughter will be in heaven but babies are meant to be with their mothers! How will I be able to let go? I do not want to forget my baby, ever. I do not want to carry this blanket of grief and loss around with me for the rest of my life either. I do trust that I will not have to feel such raw pain and anguish for the rest of my life. I have refocused myself back to God in the last couple of days. That has brought peace back into by heart, it does not take away the pain, just softens it. I do know that He is where my strength is coming from, without God, I would not get through these days. While some days are harder than others, I am so thankful to the supportive family and friends that I have surrounded myself with.

Sonogram info

2010-04-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today we had our ultrasound, I am 28 weeks and 3 days. It was so bittersweet to see our baby on the monitor. She is a mover and made it difficult for the poor ultrasound tech to get measurements. It's so difficult to look at Olivia on a screen, see how everything is so perfectly developed but this one major defect will only allow her to live such a short time. I feel like we are missing out on so much. I know how blessed I am to have 2 beautiful healthy children but I just want my baby too!

It was wonderful to get the pictures from the ultrasound since we do not know if we will have this opportunity again. As suspected, I do have extra fluid. Olivia is a chubby little baby but a full month behind on development. My cervix is starting to shorten but we were not told if I have dilated more (which probably explains our little trip to the hospital this week!)

Tonight I am emotionally drained so I will keep this posting short. Tomorrow is Easter, I will enjoy this time with the girls and our families. I am looking forward to church in the morning where we can be surrounded by the knowledge that Jesus died for us and rose again! God bless everyone and this special holiday with your families and friends.

Having a bad day!

2010-03-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

The song "Had a bad day" keeps playing through my head, I'm not even sure if that's the right title. The song I'm thinking of is the one that played every time someone was voted off American Idol one year. Whatever the song is, it's the theme for my day.

I woke up, feeling pretty gross so had a shower right away. That was not bad, it woke me up more. We got Makayla on the bus, once again, not bad. Then I received a phone call from doctors office. The fasting blood glucose test that I had done yesterday came back, not good, now I have to go next week and sit for a 3 hour one. I have always had the "perfect" pregnancies, now this one seems to go from bad to worse.

I guess I should fill in the doctor appointment from yesterday. I am measuring bigger than I should so we have an ultrasound scheduled for Saturday morning. One of the risks of carrying a baby with anencephaly is extra fluid building up, polyhydramnios. A risk associated with this is preterm labor or water breaking due to the excess build up. SOOOO, I am not crazy when I say I feel huge since I am bigger than I should be at this point of my pregnancy! :) Had to include that.

Yes, I am throwing my "it's not fair" tantrum right now. I really do understand that life is not fair, I get that. I really wish I could move somewhere right now where people just do not get pregnant. After some thought though, I do not think a nursing home is a proper fit for our family. I will get through this, even if at times it does not feel like it but I will not feel bad for my feelings at this point.

Long, nice weekend

2010-03-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

This last weekend was long and nice! Friday I went to Wisconsin with a group of Lia Sophia ladies for a training being held on Saturday. I took it easy all week, knowing how bad I needed to get away for a day. I did not exercise or do anything too strenuous just to make sure I would not have contractions that would force me to back out. And we made it! Friday came and I was on my way. Thankfully, I did not have any contractions during the trip. Sitting so long was not the most comfortable and I did not realize how much I love my bed until sleeping somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, the hotel bed was just fine and nothing is overly comfy when a belly is hanging down to the bed.

One thing that was noticed was that Wisconsin is not "smoke-free." I never realized how wonderful it was for Illinois to ban smoking in public places and outside of doors until going to another state. But I survived!

My stomach is definitely showing now, as I mentioned in the last post. I only had one person ask about the pregnancy. I am so happy that this happened earlier in the week. It was not a shock to my system this time around and I did not have to explain that Olivia has anencephaly or feel the need to run away crying. I just answered my due date, that we are having our third girl and that is all that was said. I did joke with my friend Melissa on the way up that if someone during a stop along the way asked about the pregnancy that I would just tell them I was not pregnant and walk away. Unfortunately, for us (not the innocent bystander) we were unable to have fun with this since I was not asked outside of the training!

I do think the long trip took a toll on my body though. I had to have Greg take me home during church thanks to the severe discomfort from sitting too long and forget standing in one place during music! I had to leave Greg by himself tonight with the kids games at AWANAS, I hope that doesn't have to happen again, we make too good of a team! My body did need the rest though, I usually do not let my body rule my day but I think I made the best choice. The discomfort is gone for the most part and hopefully going to bed early tonight will allow my body to recuperate the rest of the way.

On a really happy note, we got a new dog today! He is a 5 month old shihpoo and small and cute. He is still not acclimated to our boisterous children but I'm sure that will come with time (or he will have a heart attack first!).

We have a doctor appointment Tuesday so will probably update then.

I am officially pregnant

2010-03-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight Greg and I went out to dinner and roaming around Effingham for a couple of hours without the girls. While I love them dearly, it has been a long winter! This is the first winter I have been officially a stay at home mom and the togetherness was beginning to weigh me down! Thankfully I have a wonderful mother in law that was more than happy to spend quality time with Makayla and Hannah. We were only gone for about 2 1/2 hours but it was definitely re-energizing.

After dinner Greg and I went to K-Mart. After waiting an extended period of time in the checkout while another poor customer had to have items price checked, we finally were able to purchase our items. One of the cashiers, who had an obviously difficult evening, looked at me cheerfully and asked when I was due. This threw me off a little bit since it is the first person that does not know me that has openly acknowledged that I am pregnant. I just told her June without dropping the baby bomb on her. She told us how exciting this is and asked if it was our first. We told her no, it is our third. She just said, "that is so exciting" and went back to her register. Instead of completely breaking down, which would have been easy to do, I pulled my inner God given strength and acted as if everything was normal.

On the way back to home I almost completely broke down. I told Greg that I could probably cry my eyes out but I just do not feel like it. We talked about how much I am really going to have to start answering questions from strangers, this is not going to get better, only worse as I continue to grow. I wish I could stay in my bubble. There are many people who know what is going on, that allow me to talk about being pregnant and all the pains that come with it (i.e. HEARTBURN! and feeling fat!!!) I can handle talking about Olivia with people I know, it's strangers that I have to fight back tears with. Greg told me he is glad I have not stayed in a bubble and continue to live my life. I am too but I also acknowledge how easy it would be to hide myself.

I have been feeling the pain for quite some time of the "joys" of pregnancy. With Makayla and Hannah I knew it was worth it in the end but now I'm not feeling the same sentiments. I do however enjoy the kicks and movements so much more this time around. I take the time to stop and feel the movements and have been known to interrupt conversations to announce them (I apologize in advance if I do this to you!). I wish this pregnancy really could be as exciting as the innocent cashier thought it was. I wish I could announce from the rooftops that we are having another little girl and cannot wait for Makayla and Hannah to be big sisters. Instead I know that the larger I get, the further along I get, the closer I get to my daughter dying. I hope and pray that I get time with her alive. I pray that she will live an hour or 2 hours. I also pray for the miracle that she will be able to live for a few days. How wonderful it would be to get to hold, feed and bathe her. I know that I cannot keep her but just to have a few days to be her mommy would make all of this worth it.

I would not wish this never ending roller coaster on anyone but would give anything to take this pain from my life.

Nice surprise today!

2010-03-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

I was sent a message earlier in the week from a friend, Malissa, that said she wanted me to stop by because she had something for me. I had no idea what it could be and when I asked, because I am a huge surprise spoiler, she told me she really did not want to tell me. I was lucky to catch up with her today since she is in the middle of moving (with an army of kids!)

When I got to her apartment, she had a wonderful pink blanket with "Olivia" stitched on it. Under the name Olivia is a picture of a little angel girl, sitting on a cloud and praying. It is absolutely perfect!

This was such a nice, unexpected gift. I have not been able to bring myself to buy anything yet and I really think it will help me to get the things I want to have for her. Thank you Malissa, that was so thoughtful and appreciated!

26 weeks-long!

2010-03-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I will be 26 weeks so I well past the halfway point for this pregnancy. Today I sitting here trying to put into words what I am feeling to try to release some of the heaviness weighing down my heart.

In some ways, I never want this pregnancy to end since it will be an end to my daughters life. Other ways, I am ready to move past this and see what the future holds. I know that Olivia will always be a part of me that I do not just move past but I want to get past the waiting. Waiting daily to see if I will go into labor; or if she will just quit moving, we go to the doctor and find out that she is already gone. Living everyday with so much uncertainty is very unnerving for a person as anal as I am. I like living life by schedules and to do lists and I cannot do that right now and it is hard to give up control.

I have to take down the crib from the "play room." Hannah quit using her room this summer when she moved into Makayla's room. By the time I actually had time to take out the baby furniture, I found out I was pregnant again and left it up. There is so much I want to do with the upstairs and I just cannot take down the baby furniture and I do not know why. The crib is not even functional right now with all the toys thrown in there, we do not use the rocker and the changing table/dresser has God knows what in it. I may have to have someone come over to take it down for me when I am out for a little bit, just taking it down solidifies the fact I do not get to keep my own baby. Nothing about this is right, I know I am not the first mother to lose a child and unfortunately, I will not be the last. This does not help to ease the pain that I feel.

I hate this so much and even thinking of the "what ifs." What if I would have gotten pregnant one month earlier or later. What if I would have ignored my desire to have more children and just have been satisfied with the 2 beautiful, healthy daughters that I already have. I have heard so many times that women would not have changed anything once they are through this. I admire that but I would change it, I would give myself a healthy child or not go through this pain at all! I cannot figure out what good could possibly come out of this for anyone, including me, Greg or the girls.

Makayla gets to watch all of her little friends have baby brothers and sisters. She told me last week that she does not want an angel baby, she wants a baby baby. All I could tell my heartbroken 3 year old is that "mommy knows, that's what I want to." She has also said "Why do Mindy and Dillon have 2 babies at home?" I just tell her "well their mommies are just very lucky." How do I explain things to her that even I do not understand? She knows that Olivia will be going to heaven to live with God and Jesus but she is not okay with that. I do get the opportunity to tell her about the beauty of heaven and how happy her little sister is going to be there. This is not always enough for her, she wants to help feed her and hold her. I know life is not fair but that is just not good enough reason for me right now. Greg and I have all the love in the world to give and we wanted this child.

The last week I felt out the cemetery, just to see if I could handle it. As many people know, initially I preferred the idea of cremation and Greg a burial. Right now I really do not have a preference. I decided to drive through the cemetery, just to see how it would feel. To my surprise, it really did not bother me. It was peaceful and beautiful, well maintained with mowing and clean. Then on one of the nice sunny days, the girls and I walked down to the cemetery with our neighbor. Walking through it was not difficult at all and the girls loved it. I explained to them that we do not walk on the headstones and I only had to remind Hannah one time. Now I feel ready to go pick out a plot for Olivia, now that I know I can do it.

I feel very blessed that I only have moments of this deep sadness and pain. Some of the moments are more than moments and last a couple of hours but I do not have a dark cloud over my life at all times right now. I do think about Olivia and what is to come every single day but thankfully it has not completely consumed my life. I will cherish the kicks and crazy movements going on in my belly right now. Greg can now feel the kicks and body rolling around, I can even see them from the outside. There is a life inside me and I will continue to love and nurture her to the best of my ability for as much time I am given with her.

Joy in the most unexpected moments

2010-03-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

Tonight was an emotional night for me, something was triggered early in the day and the down feelings continued to linger. Lucky for me, the girls fell asleep in the car on the way home from gymnastics and it seemed like nothing would keep them awake. I was sitting at the computer reading other stories of women who have been through anencephaly or are going through this journey now. There are so many strong, amazing women who I am blessed to be in contact with to discuss, share feelings and sometimes just vent with. I have to admit that I was feeling quite sorry for myself, which I rarely allow, when my tears were interrupted.

As I was clicking away at the computer I heard Makayla fall off of the couch and start crying. Well, that woke her up and Hannah too! I went into the living room, Greg was sitting on the floor holding a crying Makayla and Hannah was yawning and smiling so sweetly on the couch. I went over to pick up Hannah and sat down on the couch where she had been sleeping only to realize I had sat in a puddle of pee and holding a completely soaked 2 year old.

I'm not sure why it seemed so funny at the time. I stripped her down, changed my own clothes and put her in the tub. By this point she was also crying hysterically. Makayla was still crying and Greg put her on the toilet. Once she was on the toilet, still crying, she started using the bathroom and pee sprayed all over my legs like she was using a water gun. So here we are, two crying toddlers, pee all over me and both of us are laughing. They are both now dry in their pjs, tucked in bed where they hopefully stay the rest of the night.

I am so blessed to have my girls, even at their worst they can make us feel good again. Don't get me wrong, I will probably not be so uplifted by this if it happens again tomorrow! But, for today it was hilarious and helped me to realize that our life will continue to go on, no matter what is happening around us.

24 week appointment

2010-03-02T20:27:00.000-08:00

We had our 24 week doctor visit today which was pretty uneventful. Everything is going smoothly at this point, Olivia still has a strong heartbeat and kicks like crazy. However I did notice that I gained about 8 pounds since my last appointment only 4 weeks ago!!! Usually my doctor appointment days leave me on the emotional side but today I am tired. I will take this as a blessing because I feel normal, which is a wonderful feeling.

My next appointment is in 4 weeks, I have the joy of experiencing the fasting blood glucose test once again. I only have 2 problems with this, I cannot eat breakfast and the orange drink makes me want to vomit. I am hoping this test shows that I do not have gestational diabetes since I'm a junk addict lately. Once in awhile I just want a bowl of ice cream, or the whole container (I will justify this since I eat it one bowl at a time, I do not sit down with the whole carton at once). I'm sure it will be just fine though, I did not have a problem with Makayla or Hannah's pregnancies and I have not shown any signs of diabetes.

I will not be proofreading this post, I am ready for bed and just hope it all makes sense!!!

Headstones

2010-02-27T11:38:00.000-08:00

Most days do not start out with a knock on the door with a random woman asking if my husband is home. Okay, so no day ever starts that way. Soon after telling her that he was working she told me she talked to him yesterday, she is from the funeral home. We had met with the funeral home earlier this month. The first visit was, much to my surprise, easier than I had expected. At the time we were not sure whether we would cremate or have a burial and we were just getting information for each.
I do believe that we are going to do a burial so the lady from the funeral home was dropping off brochures for infant headstones. Those are papers that no parent should have to look at. How do you pick out the "perfect" headstone for your baby? On one hand, it really does not matter, it is just her body that will be buried in the cemetery. It just needs to have the basic information on it but at the same time cost does not matter. We will never be able to buy her birthday or Christmas presents, never worry about providing a car when she turns 16 or even have to try to figure out how to help pay for college. All we can give our daughter is one outfit, a headstone and our love while she is still with us.
I'm going to call the city building Monday so that we can go look at plots at the city cemetery soon. As hard as this is now, I would much rather take care of all the details before delivering. We still have not decided on a memorial service. Part of me does not want to do it but another part of me hopes for closure by going through with it. We probably will have one, I do not think we would look back and regret having one but would not want to look back wishing that we had done one. There are so many decisions in this process that I would have never even considered.
I have a doctor appointment Tuesday and I am hoping to find out if I am dilated more. This week should be informative if nothing else!

Hospital visit

2010-02-18T18:02:00.000-08:00

We had our first "scare" at the hospital today. It all started around 3, I was finishing up a lunch date with my old Yellowbook coworkers and went to the bathroom. I noticed that I was spotting and I had also been cramping a little bit. Not wanting to make a scene I did not say anything since we were wrapping up and getting ready to head out. I continued cramping until I left, I called the doctor's office immediately once I got into my van. After waiting on hold for 10 minutes, I talked to a nurse to see if I should come in to the office to be checked. I received a call back about 4:30 that my doctor wanted me to go to the hospital and get admitted to the labor and delivery floor to have the monitoring done.

Lucky for me, Greg was already on his way home so I did not have to drive myself in. I started to cry, only for a minute though because I did not want to go in with my makeup all over the place....no, I am not kidding. I was scared, I knew this could be it. I never had ANY sign of cramping, contractions or spotting with Makayla or Hannah so this is all new for me. "Am I ready for this?" I thought. That did not matter though, I know I have to deal with this pregnancy as it comes. I prayed silently on the way there; "please God, if this is it, if it is her time, give me peace. Help me handle this because I cannot do it on my own." I felt at peace the rest of the drive. I have never prayed this way before, never felt that I needed to be a "needy" prayer. I am so grateful that I have become that "needy" prayer or there is absolutely no way that I would be able to carry this load.

I get to the hospital, go to the registration desk. The girl working there looked me up and down when I told her what I was there for. I know that I do not look extremely pregnant but I do not need to be looked up and down over it. Once registered another woman came in to wheel me upstairs, the wheelchair was big enough to carry 6 people! She also gave me a look and stared right at my stomach, I just wanted to look her in the eyes and say "WHAT?!?!?" Instead I started smiling like a freak since Greg looked like he was going to explode with laughter at the HUGE wheelchair.

Once at the labor and delivery floor the nurse asked what was going on, I explained the cramping, spotting and contractions. I mentioned that Olivia has anencephaly which my doctor had already made her aware of. She first checked for a heartrate. I knew there would be one, Olivia had started moving more since 3:30 than she has the entire pregnancy. Not only that, she moved ferociously the whole time I was hooked up to the monitors. I was checked for dilation, I am currently 1 cm dilated. After getting me hooked up to the monitors, the nurse started taking my health history. The 3rd question in was, "Do you plan on breast feeding or bottle feeding?" I was stunned, we were just talking about the anencephaly! I just told her "uuummm.....neither." I know she felt bad because as soon as I answered she said "that was a stupid question, I'm sorry," and did not make eye contact with me the rest of the time she was in the room.

After she had left the room I started to cry again, that question triggered the right emotions. I had to get the TV on for noise, the silence was too much to handle. I have not been in a hospital for myself since giving birth to Hannah, it took me longer than it should, and I needed Greg's help to get the TV turned on. I'll blame in on the nerves. I'm glad the crying was not much more than a few tears since the nurse came back in shortly after and this time did look in my eyes. I think I would have lost it if she asked me how I was doing, but she did not and I am so grateful of that.

After being hooked up to monitors for 2 hours, having my urine tested (no infections!) I was sent home with no restrictions. I am happy that I do not have to sit in the hospital bed all night but I still have no explanation about my contractions/cramping that have not entirely let up. I was told that I am not in labor or prelabor so that is some consolation, not much though.

My feelings up to 22 weeks

2010-02-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

The night we found out Greg and I discussed how I did not want this to change my life. I knew that it would, no matter what choice was made but I still wanted to live, have joy and give the girls everything I could. I thought terminating the pregnancy was the best option to move on. Thankfully, I changed my mind from that. I would NEVER judge a mother who decided to terminate but I cannot thank God enough that I had enough time before seeing the specialist, enough time to help make the most difficult decision of my life. After meeting with our specialist, he took us to a desk, out in the open, and said we needed a list. The list he was referring to, with about 6 nurses standing around casually, no privacy to be had was a list of abortion clinics. Not only would I be terminating my pregnancy, I would have to sit in a waiting room with teenagers and women who did not WANT their children. Never in my life did I think I would be 26 years old, happily married and looking at a list of clinics that could rip my own child from my body. The child that we had planned, the child that I cried for each month that I started a period.

One of the first questions that I am asked when people find out is "did you have to carry the baby?" No, I did not. I could have aborted "safely" up to 24 weeks. I could not, under any circumstance imagine actually going through that process. To lay on a table and have my baby vacuumed out of me is absolutely nauseating. Like I have said before, I would NEVER judge a mother who chose that road. Unless you have been in those shoes, to even have to take that into consideration, there is no way to understand what they are going through.

So why do I continue this pregnancy? Aside from being scared of an abortion, I only have 9 months to give my daughter life. I have heard her heartbeat, I have felt her kicks. I am a mother, the baby growing inside of me is my daughter. Who am I to decide how long of a life she will have? If she makes it to term and she is born alive, I will have time with her. Time that I would never have a chance to have if I would have chosen to terminate. All I have to give her in her lifetime is the time inside of me. I will cherish these months, no matter how painful some days can be. Every flutter and every kick is so beautiful. I cry when she stops, I pray to God, please let her move more, I need to know that she is still alive! I look forward to the doctor appointments, never have I NEEDED to hear a heartbeat more than this one.

Tomorrow I will be 22 weeks pregnant. It has been 10 weeks since we have found out that if our baby is carried to term, makes it through delivery, she will die in our arms. I cannot even begin to express the pain that I carry daily. Never in my worst nightmares would I have guessed this would ever happen to me. Miscarriage seems painful enough but to find out 6 months before you give birth to your own child, that you will not get to bring her home. Right now I should be setting up a nursery, filling the closet with more pink clothes than any baby would ever need. Instead I spend my time on support groups with other mothers, ones that are going through the same horrific journey, others have already said their goodbyes. One of the most difficult things for me right now is trying to find that one outfit, most likely the only outfit she will ever wear. I look for it when I see baby clothes. So many adorable onesies and dresses, but none of them good enough. How do you pick out just one outfit when you are planning for your baby?

December 12, 2009

2010-02-16T19:24:00.001-08:00

The day after we found out, I woke up feeling completely empty. My neighbor, Lisa, came over early since Greg had to go into work. We talked about the day before. I was still convinced at that point that I could go through with an abortion.

I had a lunch already planned with a friend that day. She still did not know that I was pregnant so I got dressed, did my hair and makeup and was determined to have one last "normal" day before the sympathy looks started in. I was not sure I would even be able to walk out of my house, let alone drive across town and eat out in public. On the way to lunch I called Greg telling him I cannot do it, I just want to go inside and not see anyone, ever again.

My biggest fears in the beginning was giving up on my life, not being there for my girls, letting myself go. I knew that I could not do that to myself or my family so I drove on. I had a wonderful lunch, talked about my business, her business. Just really enjoyed being out. My father-in-law had pulled up to get gas at the gas station next door. I was so nervous he would see me or walk in, but he didn't so I went on with my day.

I went to my grandma's house after lunch. I had never been so happy to see my children as I was at that moment. What better way to really appreciate life and all that has been given to us than to see our girls just happy to see their mom and dad. I could have hugged them forever if they would have let me. We took them home that night, I did not want to be without them.

The next day was church, the word was starting to spread through the prayer chain. It was not clear to all people what was going on but most people knew there was something wrong with the baby (most people did not even know I was pregnant yet!) I used my children as shields. I LOVE that people care but absolutely cannot handle the look....the sympathy look. It does not make me want to cry but instead I put up an immediate wall. Could there be anything more awkward than somebody looking you in the eyes waiting for you to cry or breakdown? But we made it through that first week and we take everyday, one day at a time.

Every day I pray for strength and peace. I do not pray for a miracle. I would love nothing more than to give birth and find out that she is perfectly healthy, physically and mentally. I have to be realistic and realize that there is a greater chance for that to not happen. I pray for God to lead our lives by His will, whatever is for the good of us and our family will happen. It took a couple of weeks for the reality to set in. It was after our specialist appointment, still not right away. I almost felt guilty talking to my own husband about it, as if I were gossiping about someone else and their problems. But no, this time it as us. The kind of thing that only happens to other people, we have to learn to go on with our lives and deal with it.

December 11, 2009

2010-02-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

On December 11, 2009, I dropped my daughters off with my grandma. I had an ultrasound scheduled, just to confirm heartbeat and due dates. Although this was a routine ultrasound, I did not think my 2 and 3 year old, full of energy would have been appreciated at the appointment. I was so excited, that evening I had a Christmas party to attend and could not wait to show off pictures of my baby (only 12 weeks old!)

The only reason I even needed this ultrasound was because my doctors heart rate monitor was broken at my checkup. He just smiled and said "we'll get an ultrasound, then you can have pictures too."

Once in my appealing white gown with no underwear it was time for the sonogram. Greg had met me at the hospital. The radiologist began and I immediately asked if there was a heartbeat. She smiled, told me yes and showed us and told me I could relax. I was so excited, talking with Greg about how different this pregnancy was and how sure I was that it was a boy. The radiologist joked and laughed with us about my french fry cravings and talked to us about her first grandson being due anytime.

All of a sudden, the mood of the room changed, I just told myself she was doing the boring technical part and was focused. Her face was unusually serious but hey, we saw the heartbeat, the hands and feet were all perfect, the baby was even sucking it's thumb. She then excused herself saying "I have to talk to my radiologist," she patted my leg, "It's not about you, don't worry, it's about another case." Then she was gone.

Greg and I looked at eachother in shock. I told him "she's not checking on another case." Greg agreed and said "she's either lying or she is really rude."

We sat in silence until she came back. She did more tests, told me not to get dressed and go back to the waiting room. That had never happened before, we have done this 2 other times and we are always sent away pretty quickly with a stack of our babies pictures. She gave us just one picture, the baby's hands. No thumb sucking, no long legs that she showed us, no face, just hands. I'm not sure how long we waited when she came in, looked me int he eyes, told me to get dressed and go straight to my doctor's office. I must have started to ask her a questions because she said "I am not at liberty to tell you anything."

I have no concept of time from getting dressed to how long we waited at the doctor office. Greg drove and I called my grandma. We had awhile to wait at the doctor office, we were called back. The office was beginning to empty out for the weekend, happy nurses were on their way out the door. Everything was going through my head. The baby looked perfect to us, it was moving more than our daughters had ever moved inside. I thought that if it was something with me that I would have just gotten a call setting up extra testing, it had to be the baby, but what could be wrong?

We were finally able to see the doctor, he came in and asked us how we were. I wanted to laugh and say "what do you think?" Instead I just said "waiting for you to let us know."

He grabbed a box of tissue, put it by me. Great, that's always a good sign, I thought. He started slowly, "Obviously it's not a good thing to come see me after an ultrasound." His eyes began to tear up, "Your baby has a condition, Anencephaly." He tried to explain to us in technical terms, then I heard "there is no brain, your baby will not survive outside the womb"

My head was spinning, how am I supposed to carry a baby that was going to die? IS this serious? I really have to deal with this? Greg and I had tried for several months to get pregnant, we WANT this baby, can this really be true?

He then went on to say we can carry it to term, some parents find comfort in getting to hold their baby. No way, I thought, what kind of weirdo really wants a chance to hold a dead baby? He told us that medical abortion is another option, he wanted us to see a specialist to confirm and get more information but it would be safest to get an abortion before 14 weeks (if that was our choice). Wonderful, that is a week and a half away, 2 days before Christmas. Before we left our doctor prayed with us. He prayed for a miracle for our baby and if we would not get a miracle for peace for us to get through this. That was the best thing he could have done at that point, nothing he would have said would have changed what we had found out that day.

I could not believe it on the car ride home. I was expected to either abort a child that I wanted so badly -or- carry it to term, get fat, deal with the extra expenses, just to watch my own precious baby die!

My grandmother came over to our house to pick up clothes for the girls. I knew I would have to get my children and they could not be shielded from everything that was about to happen but I did not want them to have to try to comfort their parents when they are just babies themselves.

That night I went to my friend Christy's house so her husband could take Greg to get his car. Greg did not want me alone, which I can now appreciate. As I sat with her, I felt pretty normal, I looked up information on the computer about babies with anencephaly. My mind was made up, I would not carry my baby, I would terminate as soon as possible.